Help with my Marriage

momma2peanutMarch 30, 2007

HI All!

I've been married for 2 years and have a 1 year old daughter! When my husband and i got married he was a virgin and i was not! we got pregnant within our first month of marriage and he lost interest in sex because he feared hurting the baby even though our OB/Gyn tolkd him it was completely fine! after I gave birth I waited the allotted time before even asking for it! he told he wasn't yet ready to start it up again! We went away for our one year wedding anniversary and he did the deed as he said! It's almost as though he feels guilty for performing! before we got pregnant he had issues with performance! he couldn't we talked about ED and drugs but I just decided to relax and let him come to me and it worked! however we are coming up closely on out 2 year anniversary! I've asked him about going away and maybe having a little fun but he shot me down with an I've tried sex and i'm done with it! I don't like it and I don't want to ever do it again! that hurt me! I started crying because I just feel so helpless and neglected! we are 27 (I) and 26 (Him) I feel so miserable.. I love my husband but if I don't get some I'm gonna go crazy! I told him last night that he's going to run me into another man's bed.. he told me that was fine cuz he knows who i'm coming home to! I don't want my daughter to suffer because of my feelings! What can I do to save our little family and my heart????

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Oh dear.Could he be gay??? Maybe that's why he knows he doesnt like sex (because your a woman and not a man)? I'm sorry if that offends you~but he was a virgin,and he says he doesnt like sex.A 26 year old male who is healthy should not feel this way at all,unless something else is going on.
Could he have been sexually abused as a child?

He needs to go to therapy and figure out what is going on.

You certainly cant live this way forever.You're still very young and have many years of sex to look forward to.
There's really only two options here...
Either he decides to work with you and find out what's going on to save this marriage,

Or you get divorced.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2007 at 12:41AM
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it doesn't offend me at all.. i've thought that and asked him about it.. he was like how could you say that and i explained it all to him and he still said no.. the abuse thing is interesting.. he hates his parents, won't talk about them, they've never seen our daughter, when his mother found out i was pregnant she called and left a message for him stating that she hoped I had a miscarriage or at least a terrible time carrying her! oh she's not a nice woman at all! the abuse could be the reason he hates them.. but when my daughter was born he offered to go get his mom and she refused then there were other opportunities for them to be at his brothers house and they cancelled last minute! I'm not sure if that has to deal with her being embarassed by what she said when i was pregnant or if she just doesn't care. I think he's willing to get help.. at least last night he told me he loves me and doesn't like to see me hurting. we'll keep our fingers and toes crossed.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2007 at 12:03PM
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Big-time abnormal. Strongly suspect he's well aware of whatever the issue is and has not disclosed it. Suspect a hidden agenda. Don't know, but it's a deal-breaker in my book. His mom sounds like a real winner, too.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2007 at 12:14PM
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What about emotional inticamy? Does he avoid emotional intimacy in addition to sexual?

    Bookmark   March 31, 2007 at 4:27PM
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If he says he is not gay, how does he know this ? He says he loves you but is not attracted to you, this seems a little strange to me.

His mother is aweful, to say that to you, is just really weird, why would she want that to happen. Sounds like there is lots of built up anger in that family, for some reason.

I really think you need to find out, the whole story. You have a right to know, as it will affect your whole life and will eventually cause you even more grief than you are having now.

Remember your child is related to these people, how will this affect her ?

I think it takes more than crossing your fingers and toes, you need to be tough and determined to get to the bottom of this problem. It is very unfair of you DH to treat you like this.


    Bookmark   April 1, 2007 at 6:47PM
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First of all, the issue here isn't your personal sexual satisfaction (at least, it shouldn't be). There's a far, more serious, more dangerous thing going on that you should be addressing.

I, too, can see there are some serious issues he's not disclosing to you.

That he's gay is a real possibility--he may not be admitting it to himself yet. Obviously, if he married you, he's trying to live 'straight'. I've known guys like that who had a really difficult time coming to grips with their sexuality.

Given the family situation you've described, abuse is another possibility. And it's possible that he's sublimated it--if that's the case, even if you or a therapist press the issue, he's not going to admit it until he remembers it and feels strong enough to deal with the issues. As bad as his mother is--he must be very conflicted about his relationship with her--from what you've posted, he's attempted several times to keep the relationship going.

Here's what I see as the real, and very dangerous problem. IF he's so terribly damaged by an abusive past, how will he know how to be a kind, loving, concerned parent? Unfortunately, it's true that we learn what we live. If he hasn't grown up in a solid, loving family, there's a really good chance that he won't know how to be a good parent to your child. Please, please be very, very vigilant. You don't want to find out too late, that he abused your child. I really hate to give you this warning--one shouldn't have to protect their child from the child's own parent--but the facts are that often those who have been abused turn into abusers themselves.

Not a big fan of divorce, but given the scenario you've described, and his unwillingness to discuss the issue or get help, I wouldn't stick around with a child. As a parent, it was my responsibility to protect my child--from anyone who might possibly hurt her--even if that person was related to her. Have you considered separating from him? Discuss the situation calmly, with rational reasons and suggestions, and explain that until he gets the help he needs, you think it will be healthier for you all to live apart for a while.

And for heaven's sake, don't think, don't threaten an affair. That just makes you look juvenile and selfish--and is emotional blackmail. Threatening or doing it isn't going to solve anything. If you absolutely feel you must get sexual satisfaction elsewhere--do the right thing and end your marriage first, don't commit adultery--what kind of example is that for the young child you're responsible for raising?

As you can see, to me, the issue here needs to be what is right for your child. You have made a 20 year commitment to that precious little person. And you need to put them first, always, until they're grown and able to take care of themselves. Good luck.

    Bookmark   April 2, 2007 at 9:08AM
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Gosh, I've heard of bad mother-in-laws, but wishing a miscarriage on a DIL takes the cake big time! I'm "guessing" your husband has gone through some big time emotional abuse (if not other kinds too) when he was a child. I would guess this has strongly affected his personality and caused many problems.

Have you looked up borderline personality disorder and other problems caused from childhood abuse? Is he open to counseling/seeing a doctor? Hopefully, he is and I would push him to go. He may need to resolve his issues himself before he can share them with you or maybe you can go together..just hopes he gets some help some way.

    Bookmark   April 2, 2007 at 9:35AM
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If his mother was verbally abusive or otherwise,that could definitely make him gay....or weary of women in general. He needs to go to therapy.The only way to get the past out into the open,talk about what happend,and figure out what is going on with him.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2007 at 2:07AM
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Get out. Move on with your life and let him deal with his own issues. I wish I had.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2007 at 10:42AM
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bnicebkind mentioned that if his mother was verbally abusive, that that could definitely make him gay. Is there a study that suggests that if a mother is verbally abusive, it makes someone gay?

    Bookmark   April 4, 2007 at 11:30AM
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"Momma" I wonder if your husband has a mind set similar to my first husband's - he said that when I became a mother I was no longer appealing to him as a wife. I can only guess that it was because of feelings he had about his mother. Your husband probably has some issues with his mother and maybe there is the same sort of transference in your case.

Would your husband be willing to get into some sort of counseling with you or by himself? 26, 27 is awfully young to give up sex.

    Bookmark   April 5, 2007 at 12:36AM
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If there is such a study I still dont believe it. People are born gay. Ask any gay person. It is not a choice.

    Bookmark   April 6, 2007 at 4:26AM
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"People are born gay. Ask any gay person. It is not a choice."

I know this is the current American mantra on the topic. However, there is a political agenda attached to its promulgation. There certainly are "studies" and quite a bit of literature showing other significant environmental and/or cultural influences. Greeks and others in the past. Muslims in the present. And in every time and culture, straight men who are changed by spending time in prison. Some change back. Some don't. Some like it both ways.

"Asking any gay person" sure doesn't cover it. I'm no authority, but you obviously aren't either.

    Bookmark   April 6, 2007 at 10:00AM
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Asolo - You are correct. I am not an authority. I am not gay. I don't know anything about studies, political agendas or mantras. I do know many, many gay people and have talked freely with a lot of them. When I ask if this is their choice, they look at me like I have two heads. What choose this? - to be scorned and disrespected by society as a whole. To be afraid to walk down a street alone at night. There are many, many reasons not to choose this lifestyle. Many of these people knew they were different when they were just children. The sex act is not all there is to being gay. Sometimes it is very easy to pick out gay children in a crowd. As to prisoners, I think because of the abuse, shame and pain they suffered in prison, some of them are like an abused spouse and feel now they are worthless so they stay in the same position. As I said I dont know about a lot of the things you mentioned, particularly, Muslims. Are there a lot of gay Muslims? I thought gays were really tortured and murdered in those countries or am I thinking of another society? I am just saying what I have learned.

    Bookmark   April 6, 2007 at 11:51AM
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After reading this, I don't know what you think. You've gone from in-born to choice/circumstance in one short parargraph.

In any event, I think we've hijacked the thread. Point is: momma2peanut's husband is being weird. Why and what to do should be the focus. I'm done.

    Bookmark   April 6, 2007 at 12:38PM
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In the interests of being perfectly clear, I'm going to be blunt here:

OP - Your husband didn't lose interest in sex because he feared hurting the baby. He just told you he lost interest because he feared hurting the baby. He wasn't "not ready" to start up again after you had the baby; he just told you he was not ready. When he said "I've tried sex and I'm done with it! I don't like it and I don't want to ever do it again!", that may be the closest he's ever come to telling you the truth...

Is he gay? Maybe. Is he emotionally damaged from his strange upbringing and psycho mother? Very likely. Does he know why he doesn't like sex and is desparate to avoid it? (Because he IS is desparate to avoid it.) Who knows? He might; he might not. (Though I'd be surprised if he doesn't have at least some idea, and it isn't you.) But if he isn't willing to take the emotional risk and leap of faith needed to explore this issue honestly in the company of you and a professional therapist, then your marriage is doomed. Quite simply, doomed. Which is a shame because you're both so young, and you've said nothing that would indicate that you don't love him, that he doesn't love you, or that he's a bad husband or father in any other way.

Since you're the one who cared enough to post this question, take the initiative to find a counselor. Find out who's on your health plan and call around and talk to them before selecting one, (you won't 'click' with all, and better to phone-screen a half-dozen first.) and make the appointment for a time you think will work for him. Then tell him when the appointment is for, that you'll be going, and that you really, really hope he will go with you. Your marriage does depend on it.

    Bookmark   April 6, 2007 at 1:50PM
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