Would you consider this love?

rickjadMarch 26, 2006


I had an argument with my girlfriend last night. We have worked our way through a lot of things and are hoping to get married once we have our problems sorted out. Last night we were talking about loyalty to each other and she said that she feels that it is ok to think of other people while we are having sex. This notion makes me physically sick because i cannot consider that love or loyalty if my wife is thinking of other men while im having sex with her. The same will be true for me. I would not consider it love or loyalty to/for my wife if im thinking of some women from my office while having sex with her. We had a huge argument over this. Those of you who are married , have you ever done that to your spouse? and do you consider this love/loyalty?

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I think that it's something that people (married or not) may do from time to time, but who actually says that they do it? What would that accomplish? All I can see that statement doing is hurting you. Does she now think that you two can have sex without you wondering who she is thinking about it? Wondering who's face she's picturing on yours? Can you elaborate a bit more on the situation that brought this statement up? I can't just think that anyone would be like "Hey, while we're having sex, I'm going to be thinking of other men. Hope you don't mind honey!" What brought this up? What did she think her statement would accomplish?

    Bookmark   March 27, 2006 at 8:53AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I think that a *bit* of fantasising is perfectly healthy and normal, and it isn't a gauge to how much a person loves their partner. I also think that this is a private matter and saying something like "Thanks baby that was great, I pretended you were Brad Pitt.." would be unfair and unkind. However, if you were having a conversation and this topic came up, you should be happy that your girlfriend was willing to truthfully answer you.

In my opinion, the only time this becomes a matter of love/loyalty is if the fantasising is frequent *and* about an ex or co-worker, male friend, etc. because that could be a sign of an underlying issue of truly wanting to be with someone else.

In a healthy relationship your girlfriend should be with you most of the time when she's "with you", but realize that a little bit of fantasy every now and then, is just something that adds a bit of spice. Often when a person fantasises there may not even be a specific "face" they're picturing. Some women like a man in uniform, some like cowboys or "badboys", etc.. Considering finding out what your girlfrinds fantasy "type" is and, if you're up for it, do a little role playing.

Remember that usually a fantasy "type" is just that, fantasy. If she truely wanted to be with a cowboy/badboy/moviestar/or whatever, she wouldn't be in a relationship with you, she would be out there finding one. She's in a relationship with *you* because she loves *you* and want's to be with *you*.

If you still find the thought truely offensive, but your relationship is otherwise healthy and loving, then you may just want to incorperate a policy of "Don't ask, Don't tell" on that issue. Let your girlfriend know that it bothers you and ask her to not bring up the topic again (and don't do it yourself either). Then forget about it and just enjoy the fact that you're (hopefully) getting regular satisfying sex with a woman who *does* love you.

    Bookmark   March 27, 2006 at 1:37PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Partner's can't be "mind police". Sexual relations are filled with fantasy -- at least if they're good ones.

    Bookmark   March 27, 2006 at 1:47PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I agree.

Furthermore, consider here:


Here is a link that might be useful: http://globalsino.com/marriage/marriagehelper.html

    Bookmark   March 27, 2006 at 4:33PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Get lost "helper" - no advertising is allowed here.

    Bookmark   March 28, 2006 at 3:37PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I've emailed GW about helper; it's been on a couple of forums.

    Bookmark   March 28, 2006 at 4:20PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

ricgad...it seems that if she needs to do this to get turned on so early in your relationship...well...doesn't sound great for the future...like 10-15 years from now. This should be a time when she is so into you, that it occupies much of her thinking, at the early stages in love. Where the whole world seems better, just because you are in it! Just my opinion for whatever it is worth. Seems that you should calmly open up some areas of discussion about all of this without getting angry, so that she will feel free to tell you the "truth" about what she believes. There are people who think it is OK to sleep with other people. Is she perhaps someone who thinks that way? Can she imagine herself faithful to you for the rest of her life? I think you two need to really talk about all of this...and don't blow up at her because then she will just tell you what you want to hear to avoid the arguments and fighting. And I think you need know "the truth" so you know if this is someone that has the same beliefs as you do, instead of finding out years later...once you have kids, etc. Have the courage to find out her beliefs now. Perhaps you could ask her...what would she do if 5-10 years from now, and the newness and excitement has worn off...and if she didn't feel attracted to you...would she feel it was OK to sleep with someone else? How does she feel about all of this? How do you feel?

    Bookmark   April 10, 2006 at 11:13AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I'm still laughing at jenfur's post, that was funny. I think that was a stupid thing for her to say and if she can say something to you like that without caring about your feelings you should proceed with caution marrying her. It's a proven fact that what one thinks on sometimes they will act on, so if she's thinking about having sex with her ex while sexing you chances are you might walk in on her having sex with her ex one day. Just a word to the wise. I can't begin to imagine telling my husband i love you and i'm loyal to you but when we have sex i don't think about having sex with you i think about having sex with another man. I think that would absolutely crush his ego and he would be so self concious about sex with me probably till the day one of us died. That was very cruel of her to say and I think you should really reconsider if you want to marry a person that would say that to you.

    Bookmark   April 12, 2006 at 2:44AM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
I don't think my husband likes me anymore
When we first started dating he always wanted to be...
Cheating Husband
I met my husband 23 years ago. We married 1.5 years...
My marriage is falling apart, I don't know what to do
There is no short way to put this. I am going to include...
Age Difference
I posted this on the Parents Forum but it was suggested...
Viagara - Sorry long
Here's my issue a few months back my hubby (45) had...
People viewed this after searching for:
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™