My wife is losing feelings in a LD marriage

lovinghusband83March 5, 2009

Hi folks, this is my first post on here and there has been some very good advice. I am in a long distance marriage and have been for 6 months. I was on the other side of the country for 9 weeks starting in September, i'm back now and working 2.5 hours away from her. I work 10 days on and 4 days off. I have gone back once so far for an evening and go home all the time on my days off. I send my wife multiple e-mails everyday and we talk on the phone every evening and usually during the day too while I'm at work. I love her very much, we both trust eachother but she says that since we have started our Long distance phase, she says she has "changed" and has lost feelings for me. I tell her I love her everyday but being away has hurt our marriage considerably. It makes her cry all the time and I can't stand it. I'm 2.5 hours away now for work, I have a good and secure job in this economic time. I've pondered quitting it to make her happy. She can't relocate because she works at a bank and the town I'm in is so small that it doesn't even have one. What should I do? We only got married in July and have been together for 4 years. Our marriage is less than a year old and I can't see how it can take a turn for the worst this soon in. I'm trying my hardest to a transfer to our town but the company has no money in its budget for another officer. Any help or advice would be much appreciated. We also purchased webcams which I thought would help but it doesn't seem to. Thanks.

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linda117117

THere is no bank in the town that you are working in, but there must be a bank in a nearby town. Im assuming you don't own a home because you've only been married a short time. Why not move her to where you are and let her look for a job there? Unless she is making money that she can't walk away from, what is the point of staying there?

    Bookmark   March 6, 2009 at 8:35AM
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bnicebkind

Because you are still newly weds, (I assume without children and schools to work around) I cannot imagine why she isn't with you. You have a good and secure job. I would think it was more important to have your wife with you, even if she is not able to to replace her job. However, someone who has work experience at a bank should be able to find work with many types of businesses. And if she couldn't, could you survive without her income? Think outside of the box for solutions. Could she start a small business there, like helping people organize their homes or offices, or learning something new by taking a job in something that simply interests her.

People get lonely, and the phone and computer do not take the place of a real marriage with your spouse actually there.

I imagine that you need to sit down together and come up with a solution that helps bring the two of you together in the same location. Go over what you earn, what your expenses are, can you downsize living arrangements to make it on just your income for now? Can you look around the area you work and find out if there are any jobs in that area for your DW? Does she want to live in such a small town?

    Bookmark   March 6, 2009 at 9:05AM
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kec01

Any way you could each do an overnight visit once a week - she comes to you once and you go to her once? Yes, one of you would have to get up really early to get to work on those days, but it would allow for some more time together.

    Bookmark   March 6, 2009 at 4:00PM
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marge727

She doesn't work weekends--why isn't she driving up to where you are Friday night and then returning Sunday? 2.5 hours to a Californian is a commute for Pete's sake. My husband and I drive to downtown Los Angeles for the symphony and it takes 1.4 hours one way. If she doesn't want to drive, there is Greyhound, trains, etc.
I guess you are lucky you arent in the Army. She may just be a small town girl and afraid to go someplace else, but visiting you would help.

    Bookmark   March 6, 2009 at 11:45PM
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mom2emall

Distance can be hard in a marriage. My dh got put on afternoon shift a while ago and it was so hard on our marriage at first. We barely saw eachother, had no time for sex, plus we have 4 children at home that I was pretty much doing everything by myself for!

We had to sit down and talk about it all and make changes. We could not go on with him on that schedule, me working full-time, and me being the sole caretaker for 4 children. I was starting to resent him and his job!

We ended up deciding me quitting my job would be best because he made more and carried the health insurance. Now I work VERY part-time and I do not mind doing most of the housework and child rearing. He also agreed to get up early on the weekends and spend time with the kids instead of sleeping later. During the week he gets up early with me 3 days and sleeps in 2 days. I stay up late on 2 nights a week to spend time with him after he gets off work and on the weekends me and the kids stay up to see him.

You and your wife need to sit down and see what changes you can make! If you do not make some changes and sacrifices for your marriage you may not have much of a marriage left.

    Bookmark   March 8, 2009 at 10:55PM
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geoedwards

These people give great advise. My husband is a flight Attendant and I only see him three days a week. We have two small kids and I am with them most of the time. When he is home, we are all about spending time together as a family. I agree with everyone about you making time to drive out to see each other. If we didn't have kids, my nights would be with him where ever he was!!

    Bookmark   March 11, 2009 at 3:36PM
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