Emotional Affair(him) and (me)drinking Help!!

lovelaze2009March 11, 2009

Sorry, this is long!...married for a little over a year now, been living together for 6 yrs.

ME:I used to drink a lot (at parties, holidays etc.)which caused a lot of arguments, latest one, New Years Eve.

HIM:I cought him texting his ex-girfriend about 100 times a month average for the first three and a half years of us living together. He promised to stop, and so far I think he has, no I am not delusional, I have not seen any thing that might tell me he is still in contact with her, he says nothing sexual happened...

The latest argument (last night) was about his refusal to put my name on his house, he says he does not want his kids to get screwed over, I tell him that if something happens to him, I will be kicked out of the house, and I would have no place to live, I have said to him many times before, that it is not the house that I want, just the security of knowing I would have a place to live if something happened to him!

I would not, if we ever got a divorce, fight him for the house, our estate laws would automatically give it to him, since he owned it before we got married, and I have told him this many times!!

Any way, as he has done before, he turned it around and started mentioning my drinking, I made a fool of myself new years eve and I have promised him that I will quit drinking, he does not belive me, I dont blame him, I have said that before, but this time I mean it and dont know how to get hime to belive me, I have cried wolf to may times!! I am willing to go to AA meetings if that is what it takes (I will tell him that tonight) He says he loves me, but not like he wants to, he is thinking about ending the marriage and I know that would just kill me!! I have had a lot of bad relationships before and I cant help to think something is wrong with me!! All the other relationships did not involved me drinking, it all started after my last divorce when I found out my ex-husband molested two of my daugthers, he (my now H) knew about my drinking and all about my past. I used drinking to ease the pain, I really dont consider my self an alcoholic, because I dont "need" to drink to have fun, but when we used to go out dancing or at a friends party, I would drink, and I would get very jeoulus about his texting and would get into big fights. In the past year, I only went drinking three times (all ended up in fights)he is holding grudges at me for things that happened a long time ago (things that dont involve drinking), we had disscused them and I thought they got resolved at the time, but last night he brought up a lot of them! But I am not allowed to bring what he has done!! I dont know what to do!! I dont want to lose him!! He is otherwise a really good husband. How do I fix things? How do I get him to belive me? How do I get him to fall in love with me again? Please help me!!

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

OK, this is not what you are going to want to hear so stop now if you want a soft touch.

You need to focus on your alcoholism, get treatment, get sober and focus soley on maintaining your sobriety before you can even think clearly about relationship issues. Just like I cannot make a decision (and trust me I am incapable of it right now) until I have dealt with my current depression.

Now is the time to put your well being first and get the help you need. Yes, you are married and should know that if something happened to your DH you would not be homeless. But you are married not living together right? I would think if your DH died you would get the house. I understand this as our current home has never had my name on it, however I know if we weren't together I would have never stayed there anyway, so for me it wasn't a issue as much as it was never considered my home-I just lived there. This however seems the least of your problems.

I think you need to believe in yourself and do what you need to do get well first and foremost. When he sees you putting your self first he will either follow suit and realize what a treasure you are or you will get on with your life, sober & happy.

I will keep you in my thoughts and wish you all the best on your journey.


    Bookmark   March 11, 2009 at 3:57PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Thank you for responding to my post. Dont worry, I was not really expecting soft talk, I knew that everybody was going to concentrate on my drinking, I dont drink regularly, or daily, just on special occasions, I dont even drink beer at home, he does, 2 beers at night, it does not bother me at all, I just dont care to drink every day, specially beers. The bad thing about it is that when I drink, all my anger and frustrations come out, and I confront him with the things he does and has done in the past. Yes, we are married, but he said that he has his 27 yr old daugther on the title for the house and his 401K, savings and checking accts. My name isnt on any of them, I really dont care about the money, is the fact that he thinks I am going to screw his kids over, I like his kids!! It upsets me that he does not give me the place of a wife!! He buys things and pays for every thing, (I mentioned before he is a good Husband)but he never consults me on anything!! He told me last year that they had a Yukon for sale at his work, the next thing I knew he drove it home! I just want ot have a happy family, one were the two parties share each others problems, desires, dreams, is there such a thing?? Thank you again for responding.

    Bookmark   March 11, 2009 at 5:36PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Love I think just the fact that you have to explain your drinking means there is some sort of problem. You dont have to drink every day to be an alcoholic. If you want to make your marriage better, then get yourself some help for your drinking problem. Once your husband sees you are doing something about it, you can talk to him about giving you a life estate on the house. This means if anything happens to him, you would be able to stay there for the rest of your life. Once you pass, the house is his kids. It would give you the peace of mind you are looking for.

    Bookmark   March 11, 2009 at 6:11PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

It is not that I have to explain my drinking, is just that since the readers dont know me from adam, I felt I had to paint the picture. I was already thinking today to talk to him and ask him if it made him feel better if I went to an AA meeting. I want him to believe me that I am for real this time!

Thank you for your info, I did not know about the Life Estate on the house. I have three potentialy deadly diseases and I am probably the one that is going to die first anyway. I dont want for him to die first and I end up with no place to live and battleling my sickness,you know? I pray to God nothing ever happens to him, as I do love him very much, but he rides his motorcycle very fast and when I am riding with him on the back I get mad because he is putting not just his life in danger, but mine too. Thank you for your advice, I think you are right, I am going to go to AA and show him that I am for real this time! He should be coming home anytime now. wish me luck!

    Bookmark   March 11, 2009 at 7:35PM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
hausband say bad words after he gives me gift!
hi, I appreciate any suggestions. We are married for...
Am I Wasting My Time?
So, I have been with my fiance for 5 years. In the...
My husband became cold, apathetic, after we came back from vacati
Me and my husband have been together for 13 years,...
Viagara - Sorry long
Here's my issue a few months back my hubby (45) had...
I don't think my husband likes me anymore
When we first started dating he always wanted to be...
Sponsored Products
Tress LED Pendant
21 Lights Dark Red Fabric Shade Antiqued Brass Chandelier
Foscarini | Aplomb Linear Multipoint Pendant
6 Lights Brass and Iron Frame Black Fabric Shade Chandelier
Moooi | Rabbit Table Lamp
$546.00 | YLighting
Three-Piece Chip & Dip Set - MULTI COLORS
$70.00 | Horchow
Teardrop Side Table in Black
$149.00 | LexMod
Zebra Lovin Canvas Wall Art by Nikki Smith - NSM027HN
$129.99 | Hayneedle
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™