Husbands Habits Making Me Miserable

graciebugMarch 30, 2013

When I lived with my son prior to my marriage to my husband my house stayed clean. My son picked up after himself, and it was just clean all the time. After 5 years of marriage with my husband, I'm about to lose my mind. I am the type of person that feels everything needs a place, clothes go in a hamper, throw food wrappers away after you eat them, if you empty a box from pantry throw it away, etc....My husband continues to be basically a slob. He brings food to bed every night leaves his wrappers, plates, whatever all piled up. I picked up his clothes this morning he just threw in our bedroom floor, shorts thrown in the floor in the closet, shoes laying out in closet I about trip over, junk piled up on my jewelry cabinet, his end table is always a mess, got in my purse to pull out my check book, never bothered to put it back, just left laying out for me to get. I spend my entire weekend picking up after him and now my son has started being just like him. I have a 2 year old with health problems and I work full time. But I'm a teacher and I guess to some we don't work as hard as other people. I have an auto immune disorder and I hurt all the time and I am exhausted. Sometimes I would just like to walk away and not look back. This compounded with a busy body mother in law and his constant hateful attitude and laying around all weekend while I work, I just don't know if I can do it anymore. Doctors tell me to get more rest and less stress, its not going to happen married to him. I don't know what to do. I've never been a quitter, and I don't want my daughter dealing with things my son had to, but when is it ok to remember I existed as a person before him, I had hobbies, I was somebody. Now I am his maid and I don't know what else. Help me, I can't deal with it much more.

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Find a therapist and go. You also need him to go with you. With an auto immune disorder, a full time job and a two year old your stress level is sky high.
Everyone has different comfort levels when it comes to neatness. But, what is happening here is not acceptable.
How is your marriage. How would your husband feel if you told him you needed changes or you are out of there?

    Bookmark   March 30, 2013 at 9:28PM
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I hear you! I mean I REALLY hear you. And my DH has a mental disorder, so I can't police him or his everlasting mess. He came from a nice, clean home, but acts as if he was raised by wolves. Does yours hoard?

    Bookmark   March 31, 2013 at 12:35AM
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you didnt say what your marriage is like outside the fact that he is a slob. I'm not minimizing his sloppy habits, but if everything else is good, i.e. he contributes to the household in other ways, he's a loving husband, a good father, etc., then maybe you should try to overlook some of the sloppiness. My first husband was sloppy too and a terrible house cleaner, but he did most of the laundry, cut the grass, took care of both cars, made the kids lunches everday, helped with homework, etc. Sometimes you have to focus on the positive. But if he's sloppy and not doing anything at all to help you with the household, that's unacceptable. You also didn't say whether you've tried to discuss this with him and what he's reaction was.

    Bookmark   April 1, 2013 at 10:56AM
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I was thinking kind of what Karen asked- how is he otherwise?

My DH can be a slob of sorts, not putting things back where they belong, leaving glasses and empty boxes around, as well as anything he's been tinkering with, and is lousy at helping around the house unless directly asked... but, he does the yard work, maintains the cars, great dad, and basically all around nice guy, so it's easier to overlook some of those habits and just deal with them.

I also have some significant issues with exhaustion, so know how frustrated you might be on that front. I can tell you what I've considered doing in the past to make a point- haven't gotten to the point of actually do it, but you never know... Anyway, I've considered buying a couple of those HUGE rubbermaid type tubs with the tight lids and putting them out in the back yard, labelled with names. Then, anything that belongs to that person, goes outside in the box- including the trash they did not properly dispose of. Hopefully the end result of this would be that the house is clean enough for my tastes, they know where to find their stuff if they want it, and maybe they could finally grasp the magnitude of stuff that I end up managing through. My biggest fear of starting this though, is that the tubs get full and new tubs come- because nobody cares about the stuff anyway. At that point it could be argued just to toss it, but of course that would fall to me too...

Good luck to you.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2013 at 2:55PM
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My theory is that people like that are wanting to be taken care of. And the more you clean up after them, the worse they will get.

Having given up on asking, reminding, etc, I just hand him the toilet brush or whatever it takes to clean up his latest mess and make sure he cleans it up. Sometimes I don't say a word.

    Bookmark   April 6, 2013 at 2:30AM
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We have bought a new hand held super duper vacuum cleaner that is so easy to use, and dare I say fun to use. We have also bought a new washing machine, our old one was 30 years old, and clunked and groaned. The new one plays jolly little songs and is whisper quiet.

I have seen an amazing transformation in my DH from one who never did much cleaning around the house to someone who is fascinated with the workings of our new cleaning equipment. He uses them all the time now !

I am sure there is some sort of message in there - um - perhaps someone can work it out and relate it to husbands who are messy.

    Bookmark   April 6, 2013 at 9:39PM
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"Being messy" and being an all-out pig are two different things.

The OP has raised a son, how did he get trained to clean up after himself? Because that is what she must do with her baby of a husband.

We discussed this issue in marriage counseling this week and our counselor said I should withold his privileges if he doesn't clean up. For example, he's hungry. Ok, dinner will be served when he vaccuums up all the peanut shells he dropped on the rug two days ago, No clean up, no dinner.

But I don't know. Is this really the way I want to be as a wife? .Yet it gets down to self defense, almost.

    Bookmark   April 7, 2013 at 3:24PM
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Try leaving it where he puts it, let it build up until he complains. If you have an extra bedroom move in there. If you know you are having company explain to them before hand what's going on. Hopefully one of his friends will drop by. If anyone looks shocked, just tell them you got tired of picking up after him.

    Bookmark   April 10, 2013 at 12:34AM
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