A little vacation from marriage - ok or not?

scarlett2001March 4, 2009

It has been a tough six months - my dad was terminally ill, then died, the rest of the family erupted into chaos, my job has been hectic and my DH- who is not a bad husband- has several annoying habits that drive me nuts.

So a few of my women friends are planning a kind of retreat at a timeshare one of them has. Not at all expensive, I have vacation time coming and I would sure love to just get away for a week.

But is this right to do? Is it healthy to get away from your spouse or is it the first step to "getting away permanently"? I really want to do it, but not at the cost of damaging the marriage.

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Absolutely! Sometimes a week away is great for a marriage!

(So long as you don't do anything that would damage your marriage, like pick up other men or 'diss' your Hubby to all of your girlfriends.)

    Bookmark   March 4, 2009 at 12:44PM
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how many weeks vacation do you get a year? In other words, is there vacation time left to spend together?

Second, how does your husband feel about the idea? You realize that if you go, he may start doing "guy's trips with his vacation time...are you OK with that?

And I second Sweeby's response...a girls trip can be a good thing as long as you are not doing anything that would damage your marriage (like picking up other men) or dissing/putting down your DH to all of your girlfriends. It is amazing how many women do this...and those same women would be livid if their DH shared all their flaws with his friends.

    Bookmark   March 4, 2009 at 12:55PM
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I think that people need time to themselves, but calling it vacation from marriage? That sounds different.

Just a break with friends shouldn't be a problem, but only YOU know if it's ok or not.

    Bookmark   March 4, 2009 at 2:48PM
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You know, your phrasing 'vacation from marriage' caused me some concern also. But then I read your post and ignored that little question...

But only you know what you really mean --

Is it a case of problems going on 'around' you two?
Or problems getting 'between' you two?
Or is it both, where the problems start outside, but you're allowing them to come between you?

    Bookmark   March 4, 2009 at 4:21PM
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This sounds great.....as long as you keep it to your group of ladies. Are the rest of them single or married?
I took a short trip with 3 other ladies last year and it was great.....we did things that men usually are not interested in.....you know, "house stuff" and "chick flicks"....and enjoyed it so much that I would like to do it again......but of course, my DH doesn't mind me doing things like that. Too bad you and your DH can't get away for a week, just the two of you, and do things that you "used" to enjoy together.......maybe you can do both~~
Good luck and sorry about all the trying times you have had recently.

    Bookmark   March 4, 2009 at 6:37PM
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To me a "vacation from marriage" means a break from your marriage vows. What you want sounds like a vacation. As long as you don't do anything you wouldn't tell him about I don't see the issue. I'm going to spend a a week out west with my oldest friend this summer, I don't consider it a break from my marriage. DH goes on hunting trips, after all.

    Bookmark   March 4, 2009 at 10:28PM
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Im in agreement with the others that "a vacation from marriage" is an odd way to phrase a girls vacation. My husband takes hunting trips every year, I take a girls only trip every year. Being married doesnt mean you have to do every single thing together. He loves his hunting trips, i have no interest in that. On the other hand, girls (at least the girls I go with), love to lay on the beach or by the pool and have those drinks served up all day long. My husband would be bored out of his mind with that. We also do a vacation together. I think thats a healthy marriage and would never phrase it as "a vacation from marriage".

    Bookmark   March 5, 2009 at 12:18PM
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Do it...every marriage needs a fun break whether it be alone or with friends. This won't make you a bad wife, and you'll probably find that you'll enjoy doing this several times a year, if able. And surely, if he ever wants to get away with the guys for a fishing trip or weekend golf outting, by all means, let him. Just because you're married doesn't mean either of you can't go away without the other. It makes for a healthier marriage, IMO. We've been married almost 26 years and it works for us. Of course, we are very trusting of each other, and not the jealous type. And we certainly have plenty of together vacation time.

You'll always have vacations as a couple to look forward to too.

    Bookmark   March 5, 2009 at 9:48PM
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My girlfriends and I do this for 1 week every summer. One of my friends has a lake house and she has the gang up for a "girls only" week. It's wonderful for our marriage --- absence does make the heart grow fonder.

    Bookmark   March 6, 2009 at 4:02PM
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Sorry to hear about your Dad, Scarlett. I live near you and a bunch of women going to a timeshare is pretty common. Some of my friends go to the Oaks at Ojai or Palm Springs timeshares. Its always been a relaxed weekend--you don't have to get the big meals that you do when husbands are along, and its a real respite from watching football, soccer or baseball. You can sleep late, go shopping and do manicures, etc. I would think twice though if the timeshare was in Mexico--with the drug wars it would be more exciting than you planned.

    Bookmark   March 6, 2009 at 11:33PM
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I was also concerned about the title. But with all that you have been through with the death of a parent a week away from it all may be just what you need! (Just do not do anything to put your marriage in trouble!)

Last summer I had a good friend in another state going through a bad divorce. So I packed up my kids in the car and we made the 9 hour drive to see her and her kids. We spent a week there going to the lake, visiting state parks, and doing all the other free fun things together with the kids. It got her mind off the sadness in her life (and her kids minds too!).

Plus my hubby missed us all so much! And it gave him time to do a few home improvements he had been putting off--YEA!!! We got home and I swear we had the best love making session we had in a long time that night!!

    Bookmark   March 8, 2009 at 10:46PM
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Yes, poor choice of words in the subject (or surely not a Freudian slip!) But definitely, I am not seeking any contact with other men. In fact, I would be happy not to have to get dressed up or wear makeup, etc. just a real rest. Sunday I just stayed home and did a lot of nothing all day, but it was not enough of a change. I really want a getaway - and you can't get away if you take it with you.

    Bookmark   March 9, 2009 at 4:20PM
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yes it is OK, unless you are planning on spending every vacation wihtout your husband. but once in awhile is a great idea.

    Bookmark   March 9, 2009 at 8:06PM
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My DH doesn't do vacations or even socialize much so I go out by myself and do take away time at least once a year. I never forget I'm married however and I have as many or more guy friends as girlfriends.

So what you propose is healthy, can be done without threat to you marriage and I suggest you go, have fun and refresh yourself. No guilt.

    Bookmark   March 10, 2009 at 4:47AM
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Well, I told him and he completely nixed the idea. He thinks we should go away together. How honest should I be? Cause the honest truth is that it would not be a vacation or rest for me to have to hear him 24/7. We tried that on a cruise once and I about jumped overboard.

    Bookmark   March 17, 2009 at 8:18PM
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Does he normally have 'veto power' over most decisions? (I do agree this is not a 'typical' decision, and that if he really objects, you should not go.) Would he be willing to say why he hates this idea so much? And would you be willing to do both? A girls' weekend and a you-two weekend?

    Bookmark   March 18, 2009 at 12:35PM
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So scarlett, when you say he completely nixed it, we're hearing him say "No, you are not going to go do it." or, "Absolutely not."

Is this what he said? Or did he say something more like, "why don't we do these things together?"

Big difference - can you clarify?

    Bookmark   March 18, 2009 at 4:58PM
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Neither of us dictates to the other. But by his body language and tone of voice, I could "get it" that he really is not comfortable or agreeable to this idea. Of course if I really want to go, I will. But then if he really wants to do something I'm not comfortable with...well, turn about is fair play, no? So I'm weighing how much I want to go and the efffect on DH's feelings and possible results down the road..will it be worth it?

    Bookmark   March 19, 2009 at 12:51PM
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Perfect - this is what I thought was the case. Rarely do you see 'dictators' in marriages - well, they exist, but not as often as is suggested.

Okay, so couple of things. First, think about this quote: "You don't live with the spouse in your home, you live with the spouse in your head." This suggests that most people often don't 'really' know their partners, for lack of clear communication. I would say that just from your last post, there is a lot of second guessing, supposition, and future prediction going on without even really talking about it.

Sometimes there is a value to meta-communication, talking about how you talk. So forget the content for a minute, let's focus on the process.

Also, if part of YOUR body language/tone suggests that this trip is an opportunity to get away from him, of course he's going to feel abandoned and threatened! Simply by you giving this thread it's title speaks volumes about how you feel about him and your marriage. You can't blame him for having those feelings, of "Gee she wants to get away from me. i don't like this!" That's normal. That's a far cry from, "My husband nixed the idea" which suggests he's an arse.

Finally, marriage is about negotiation. Sometimes, you're going to do things he doesn't like, and vise versa. The key is to negotiate these things so that no one feels used, or abused. It's okay to say, I know you're not crazy about me wearing red, but it's my favorite color. Is there a way we can work this out so we can both get our needs met - maybe I can wear red during the week, and when we're together on the weekends i can wear your favorite color?" Silly example but you get the point.

Sometime when emotions are high, we abandon the very basics of human interaction: Clear communication, negotiation, and kindness.

Good luck with this - I don't think the underlying issue is this vacation, but it's a good distraction anyway.

    Bookmark   March 19, 2009 at 1:28PM
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Well, the girls' weekend has come and gone and I chose not to go. Today they have all called me to say what a great time they had. So now I have on my martyr hat and am feeling sorry for myself - and also feeling some disgust for being like that. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever grow up.

    Bookmark   March 23, 2009 at 9:49PM
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That's unfortunate, scarlett. Martyrdom is not a pleasant place to be - plus, it places the blame everywhere but on yourself, and part of "growing up" is taking responsibility for yourself.

Hard lessons, no? Maybe you can give yourself a hug and toss away the disgust (because it isn't much use) and promise that you will take better care of your needs in the future - and that you will be more clear with what your interests and needs are.

Have a good evening, and maybe you can plan the next 'getaway' so you don't have to wait too long for the next go round to do it right! :)

    Bookmark   March 23, 2009 at 11:54PM
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