She is the best friend that I have ever had in my life. No one, and I mean that...no one... has ever understood me the way she does and vice versa. We are the best friends imaginable. I seriously couldnt imagine having a closer connection to someone. She opened up my heart in ways that it hasnt been opened ...ever. There is a side of me which I have never experienced until I met her. She has challenged me in so many ways, and I her...we both have changed dramatically since this relationship started. Everyone sees the parts of our relationship where we messed up (which we did), but few want to admit that there is an overwhelming amount of good that she and I have accomplished in each others lives. There is an openness and willingness in her that brings out the best in me. That goes both ways, I know she has experienced exactly what I am describing. With the kind of love that we found in each other, intimacy was natural and came without us even trying. Not just physical intimacy, but intimacy on all levels. Open, honest discussions, ones that I doubt I could have with anyone else ever. Our friendship runs deep and has changed us both. We are both married, thats the point where this all gets horribly messy.
Can I survive without her, sure, I can. And I know she can survive without me. But knowing she is out there, knowing that a woman exists who loves me at such a deep understanding level...its hard to imagine having a marriage without that in it. Our personalities sync up, our dreams line up, we both have similar interests and spiritual longings, its...overwhelming...
So, yes, things are difficult. When you love someone with your whole heart, I couldnt go back home and pretend I love my wife in the same way. I couldn't. Also, I couldnt pretend that I dont love this new woman in my life. My wife is a wonderful person, and I do love her, but she and I have had issues from day one. The pain from our relationship and lack of communication has led me to make horrible decisions in my life, lots of them. I shut her out of my heart years ago. I couldnt keep loving her and do all that I did behind her back. I was looking even then for understanding from someone...something I didnt have at home. Acceptance. I knew there was something inside me that had to be expressed, and I needed to know there was someone out there that understood me... I didnt expect what happened, we became best friends, then I fell in love with her, and all the while ...she is married too.
So...there it is. Currently, she is in the middle of this as well. Except she has very few if any close friends to lean on. Her husband doesnt communicate well at all with her (similar to my wife and I - their relationship has been painful, lonely and full of problems since it started). Still, she loves her husband, much like I love my wife, but in a way that is preventing her from deciding how to manage all that is going on. Neither of us like making hard decisions, but for me, getting out of the house was inevitable, my wife made me leave. For HER, her way of avoiding the decision to leave the house is by trying to find a job somewhere else in the country so that she will have to move. What she wants to do is escape the situation completely and leave both of us for now. She wants to be alone and find peace in her life. Then she can evaluate things more clearly. She knows she doesnt have to move across the country to do that...but this is a hard decision for her and she feels she cant just move out of the house...for some reason. Too difficult and she doesnt want to hurt her husband. I know, I know, moving across the country away from him, thats 100x worse, but she feels stuck and pressured by both of us to make a decision on what she is doing with her life and marriage.
Its killing me, because I struggle between pressuring her (which I know she hates!) and just relaxing and being her friend, which is what she needs right now. And so do I. So, I am waiting...
The last 30 days was suppose to be her telling her husband everything, totally clearing her conscience. Then letting him decide what he wanted to do...and giving him a chance to change so that they can meet each others needs better. Instead, she tells me today how she feels alone again...she has told him everything she can, and he is trying, but for her to express to me that same loneliness that she had back when I first met her...that hurts. I know she is trying to convince herself of something that isn't going to happen. Ultimately, she will realize he cant be everything she needs in a spouse, but she still hasnt found the courage to move out of the house and find peace away from him. Her way of doing that is looking for this job. Even then it sounds like she has discussed with him the option of him moving up to be with her...maybe...later...similar to the discussions that she and I have had. So, its tough to hear, to know she is still clinging to someone that has a limited ability to truly make her happy.
So, I am out of the house, pending a legal separation. She is still with her husband. We both have children. Neither of us have been happy in years. But when we are together, we find a level of happiness and peace that we have never experienced before. If soulmates exist, I have found mine. Now, I just dont know what to do about it.