Any other grass widows ??

grass_widowMarch 8, 2007

I am what is known as a grass widow (husband works away frequently).

After being married for 6 years; the first year was great, the second year he got a new job that involved him working away about 60% or more of the time, after a few years of that he was promoted to a high paying position that meant he didnt have to work away anymore but that also meant more working hours. He has been promoted again and is now in a position where he has to work away frequently again, im so sick of this lifestyle of the grass widow.

When my husband is at home he leaves for work at 5am and comes home no earlier than 6pm. He also has so many after work activites that he does that means he is out 2 nights a week and one day on the weekend.

I feel like I talk to him more on the phone than in person!

He is a self confessed work-a-holic, he cant seem to sit still for more than a minute. If we watch a movie at home he will be tapping away on his laptop at the same time because he cant just sit and watch the tv.

I have tried asking him to cut down on his weekend work and after work activities so now he only goes 2 nights a week and works one weekend day - but he makes me feel like im so needy for even asking him to do that, am I ??

I have had a long term live-in relationship before meeting my husband and that partner didnt seem to have any problem with wanting to be with me and spending time with me. My previous relationship didnt have any problems in the bedroom either, but my marriage is sexless and we sleep in different beds (his choice).

I feel like im sharing a house with someone and not actually married.

I dont seem to have developed any skills in learning how to cope with his working away and with him being a work-a-holic, I would appreciate any advice :)

Thanks in advance,


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I've never heard the term "grass widow". Any event, you don't mention what you have going on of your own. In a marriage, it usually works out better if both spouses have separate interests as well as friends and interests in common. Are you sitting home waiting for you husband to come home, or do you have a full life while your husband is working?

I am not sure why you talk about your previous relationship? Obviously, you did not marry that individual.

Get a job, volunteer, learn to do something that interests you, exercise, heck, do what you're passionate about. What I am reading is that you don't have anything going on for yourself with the exception of your husband. Not a good thing.

I have a workaholic spouse, however, I have other things going on so I am not obsessed with trying to change him. His being a workaholic pays for alot of nice things we have and can do, that would not be possible if he pumped gasoline or punched a 9-5 timeclock. Nothing wrong with pumping gasoline (not trying to incite a riot over the example), but if you want a husband that has a 9-5 job and only wants to spend time with you when he's not working, it doesn't sound like you married the right guy. Even if your husband wasn't a workaholic, he should have separate interests and hobbies as should you. That's what makes a relationship interesting, what each person brings to it. What are you bringing to your relationship??

I think two married people who do nothing but spend time with one another while not at work are boring.

I can be a workaholic as well. I can't sit still most times to watch a movie because frankly, there are things I'd rather be doing. Doesn't make me a bad person.

I think if you want to stay married to this person, you need to work out the sexlife or lack thereof situation. I think your sex life is a barometer of your relationship. JMHO. Most couples who have a good sex life seem to roll with the punches with the rest of things that present themselves in life. If your sex life is as bad as it sounds, you need some help.

I wish you the best. Please do something for you and it may change your outlook on things.

    Bookmark   March 8, 2007 at 12:41PM
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You might want to reconsider the use of the term 'grass widow'. Might be a regional thing, but around here that term refers to a divorced woman.

Is your husband is truly working, and not using 'work' as a cover for something nefarious like an affair--then I don't see that you can really do anything to change him. People are who they are, they cannot change their basic natures. And there are a lot worse faults someone could have than being devoted to their job.

That being said, you need to explain how abandoned you feel. You've already compromised some, see if there is any more room for that. And then, you need to get yourself a few hobbies and activities. Your husband isn't your social director--you should each have interests and be able to entertain yourselves when the other isn't around.

BTW--I totally understand your husband's TV viewing habits. I can NEVER just sit and watch TV. I have to be doing something constructive while it's on--working on the computer, sewing, knitting, even playing an electronic game. But to me, it's kind of immoral to be just sitting in front of the TV doing nothing.

    Bookmark   March 8, 2007 at 3:53PM
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Perhaps working on your own happiness will help you focus on something other than your husband.

I know this sounds like something contrary to what you are actually trying to achieve, but my point is, if you where happy with yourself, then you would be able to deal with your dilemma with clarity.

Just trying to look at the situation from a different perspective.


    Bookmark   March 9, 2007 at 1:24AM
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I would be frustrated to if I were you...and I do have other interests outside of my relationship. My boyfriend travels quite a bit as well. I actually moved 1800 miles away from my family and friends to be in a relationship with him. I love him and that was my choice. But I do get lonely when he is out of town all the time.

What I do? I keep busy like the other posters mentioned. I love cooking so I will cook a nice meal for myself. I will take a walk or a drive. I will have a Sex and the City marathon night with a cocktail or two and some pizza! But I don't mind being alone. I think my frustration is just from missing him.

Your sex life is probably suffering because he isn't taking the time to be with you and connect with you. My BF and I make sure that we connect after his trips. A simple date night can cure a lot! If he could just drop some of his nightlife activities (that don't sound like they are work related) to be with you to connect, it would probably make a huge difference.

I agree to some extent with the previous posters but I think they are a bit extreme. He needs to compromise, to some degree, to be with you. He is married to you and, if he doesn't want to pack his bags, he should be trying to make his marriage to you work! Just simple things like date nights, sweet notes from time to time...just simple connection time. I agree that you need to find some activities that make you happy but, as much as I agree with separate interests, one common interest should be making each other happy. And that should be priority.

Good luck!

    Bookmark   March 24, 2007 at 7:38PM
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This doesn't sound like a marriage to me. What DO each of you get out of it? I suggest counseling to see how you want your life to be focused because right now, you are pointed at an empty chair. Life is too short not to be enjoyed.

    Bookmark   March 26, 2007 at 9:57PM
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