price pay after the affair

sufferMarch 9, 2011

we had been live together for 10yrs. during these years we had tough time, he wanted to quit smoke but was not success. He got in to depression, and his personality changed. He didn't spend time with me, his best friend was a computer. we didn't have sex much due to the depression medication he took. He was on medication for six years and during this time I was so lonely, sad, have no one to turn to

To make the story short, I went online and meet this guy I called Lover, talk to him for a short time, get caught by my husband. We had big fights so many time but my husband forgave me. Six months later, life with my husband was horrible sad, lonely, no sex, no supportive, no communication and ect..., my husband fall deeply into depression. I was blue, don't see any future, I reconnected with Lover and felt in love with him.

I lied to my husband to go on business trip so I can flight to the Lover. My husband found out when I was with the Lover. He called me home and my life suffer from here.

I understand the reaction of my husband. He was violent, verblely and physically abuse sometimes just because he love me so much. He wanted to know the information of the Love, I didn't give it to him because he threat he going to kill the lover (the scare was over the love. I scare not to give the information because I thought my husband was meant it by the way he talked). My husband even hurt more because he thought I love the lover and protect him.

The affair was almost three years now and we had been working on it. I had to leave home for several times due to stress, violent, and verbly abuse from my husband. He regreted every time he had done bad things to me and called me home.

this time I left my husband for four months without seeing him, and recently reconnect with him on the phone. He told me as usual to come back home, and open a big door welcome me back. I am debating. I strugle to live out side too because I don't have a job, lonely, and it wasn't easy to live with a friend.

Is anyone here in my shoe and had this experience, please share with me. Shoud I come back to my husband or not. Do you think this married will work?

Please don't advise me to go back to my parents or relatives for help. I am on my own.

Oh, did I meantion I am 37yrs old and I don't have any kids.

My life turn up side down since the affair. this is an lesson for my life. it will never happend again.

Thanks for reading my post and giving me advises.

Ps. for those advise me to come back to my husband (if any) what should I tell my husband if he ask for the Lover information. Last time he asked, i said I don't remember. He said I am a liar and screamed at me.

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suzieque

I suspect that you'll keep going back to your husband and leaving him and going back, despite any advice you receive here.

However, I'll offer mine. Don't go back to your husband. Get a job. Get into an emotionally heathy life. Earn some self-respect.

Shame on you for having an affair. Shame on you for leaving, returning, leaving, returning to your husband. Shame on your husband for abusing you verbally and physically. And shame on you for thinking that he's justified in doing so.

Change things now. I repeat - stop the back and forth. Get a job and take care of yourself.

    Bookmark   March 9, 2011 at 12:01PM
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asolo

Agree with suzieque.

You can take charge of this if you have the grit for it. Never a better time than right now to start over and shape up. Your future doesn't have to be like your past.

    Bookmark   March 9, 2011 at 12:53PM
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suzieque

Wait a minute. I knew this sounded familiar. Interestingly, I found the thread below. Eerily similar, no?

Here is a link that might be useful: Post from June 2010

    Bookmark   March 9, 2011 at 1:25PM
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asolo

Then, again, is there anything we haven't heard before?

Suggested solutions are usually variations on the same theme: Change. Deal with reality instead of wishes. Stop doing dumb stuff and learn how to be smarter/better. Seems to be the last thing anyone wants to consider, doesn't it?

    Bookmark   March 9, 2011 at 2:20PM
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suzieque

True, asolo. But I do think that suffer and woman2010 are the same person; notice the words "suffer" and "lover" used throughout, as well as the other details. If that's true, then she didn't take anyone's advice last year. That doesn't mean that she's not worthy of advice again, because leaving is truly hard. And suffer, my advice stands - stay away and get your life together and let your husband get his together.

I apologize if you're not the same people. However, you may get some value out of reading the replies to woman2010's post.

    Bookmark   March 9, 2011 at 2:33PM
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asolo

"....my advice stands - stay away and get your life together and let your husband get his together."

Agree, regardless of identity. OP has described two messed up people. She can only deal with one. I suggest she deal with that one.

That's you, suffer. Own your stuff and move along. You can do better than this. If you become a better person, you will find and attract better people. It will take a while. Begin now. Begin with yourself. And I can start you with at least one suggestion that you can put in the bank......you won't be finding any solutions to anything you're concerned about with online lovers.

    Bookmark   March 9, 2011 at 6:39PM
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sweeby

I said it in the other post (worth reading Suffer, if it isn't you)

How long do you want to live on that hamster-wheel?

How many times do you want to go through the abuse - move out - apologize - move in - abuse cycle?

If you go back, that is what will happen.
You know that.
Is that the future you want?

    Bookmark   March 10, 2011 at 12:53PM
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popi_gw

"If you become a better person, you will find and attract better people. "

This is very true. Well worth working on how you can become a better person.

Think of yourself, get some training, make yourself more employable and move on from this rollercoaster marriage.

    Bookmark   March 10, 2011 at 11:08PM
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