If you knew a friend was cheating would you tell?

waddles28March 13, 2002

I have a friend well actually both of them are friends of ours and she has revealed to me that she is having an affair. I don't know if I should tell her husband or not. In one way I think that it is none of my business but she told me. The other side of me wants him to know so that he can deal with it. Then I think she wants me to tell him because she told me. I almost want him to ask me so that I can tell her that I don't lie and I wouldn't lie to him.

What would you do in this situation. It is not like we can drop them as friends because my DH and hers work together so we are always in situations where it is the four of us together.

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Stay out of it. Don't approach the subject, wait until it comes to you. Then decide then. In situations like this, you can loose both friends. These "family issues" run deeper than most people who have never been through them understand or know.

    Bookmark   March 13, 2002 at 10:15AM
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I understand you're wanting to tell the other, i would too, but i'd stay out of it. This could be a "meaningless fling" (if there IS such a thing) that she's over with in a few weeks and she and her DH could spend of their years together very happy him none the wiser. Regardless, it's a sign of definite trouble in the relationship. Since she did tell you, however, i'd approach her with the same questions you've asked here. Did she want to do say something or was she just revealing a confidence? Perhaps you could suggest she get some counseling. It takes two and lots of compromise on both parts to make a marriage work, she's not being very fair to her chosen life's partner.

    Bookmark   March 13, 2002 at 12:39PM
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I knew a couple where one was cheating. I "found out" by accident and I was sorry I did. I couldn't look either of them in the eye for months. I didn't tell either what I had found out but it made me sick to hide it and socialize as if nothing was wrong. In fact I have drifted away from them because of it. I didn't feel like it was my place, I was not very close to them. If I were very close to one of them I may have said something - its so tricky. In your case I would NOT - it doesn't matter what the woman wants you to do for her, its not your job. I would be angry at the woman for telling you knowing the awkward place it puts you.

    Bookmark   March 13, 2002 at 3:06PM
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I would REALLY encourage HER to tell her husband, or to leave her husband, or to quit cheating. But I wouldn't take matters into my own hands. I wouldn't have a friend who (1) thought it was okay to cheat and lie about it and who (2) put me in that position. So tell her that you think it's wrong, and that you care about her and her husband, and that you wish she would be an adult and deal with it. But it isn't your place to do it for her. Just MHO.

    Bookmark   March 13, 2002 at 6:57PM
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Don't say a word!

    Bookmark   March 14, 2002 at 12:04AM
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I agree with Mausie - and I wonder if this friend told you about it in hopes that you may say something to her husband. She could have easily told a friend who was not associated with her husband. I think if my spouse were cheating on me I would want to know, (not necessarily from someone else) but it means they have problems in their relationship that need to be addressed. It's terrible that she made you feel the way you do by confiding in you about another friend that way. I would also encourage her to say something to her husband, rather than tell him yourself. Then I would examine the relationship you have with this woman. Just my opinion.

    Bookmark   March 14, 2002 at 8:17AM
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I wouldnt say a word either, i have been in the situtation like yours my best friend was cheating and i knew it i also understood why mainly cause i had done the same thing. There may be reasons that you dont know about you never knows what goes on behind closed doors. My EX was very abusive both phyiscally and mentally but he was smart enough not to make bruises where they would be seen and if we were out in public you would have thought he was the sweetest, kindest man ever I cheated on him for 7 years before i had saved enough money and courage to leave ( i had 4 small children that had to be considered too) he always said that if i tried to leave he would kill the boys *he knew that was the one thing i wouldnt risk , killing me would have been worth the risk* he came in drunk the last time i ever saw him and was hitting me i ran upstairs grabbed the gun that i had found that day while cleaning and cocked it pointed it him and told him " you m fing sob you ever come near me or my boys again and i will blow your f***ing head off and then had him arrested for domestic he had blacked both my eyes and knocked out 4 front teeth. I got a restraining order, an order of protection, and filed for divorce ~ he didnt come to court, didnt send a lawyer and didnt contest it so i have not seen hide nor hair of him in almost 6 years So if you want or need to be involved be there for her and encourage her to talk to someone if she needs it but dont tell

    Bookmark   March 15, 2002 at 6:31AM
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I have a friend who was cheating. She divorced her husband but the man she's sleeping with, is still married and living with his wife. He promises to leave his wife "after his daughters have graduated from highschool" but I think he's just stringing her along. I've warned her to be careful and she knows that I don't approve. To answer the OP's question, would I tell? Under some circumstances, yes I would tell. But, most of the time, I would keep my mouth zipped.

    Bookmark   March 15, 2002 at 9:57AM
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Don't say anything. I have a friend that I've been close to for about 6 years and I tried to tell her numerous times that we or someone we knew saw her boyfriend with other women. She would get upset and confront him, he'd lie and then we'd be the bad people for a few months and they'd come back around again. No matter how close I was to my friend I realized she wasn't going to listen to me. She listened to her boyfriend and believed every word he said. It did us no good to warn her because she didn't care. She just wanted to be with him. Well, they recently broke up after about 4 years and when they got back together he decided to come clean. Guess who was right and who was wrong? She's apologized and feels bad but still she takes this guy backand believes him over others. Nothing I say will stop her and I quit telling people things I know like this. We just have to hang out and deal with them without saying a word. I've just come to a point where I've realized that you don't have to like everything about a person. If you do like that person and they're doing something you don't agree with, you can't suddenly ignore them and avoid them all the time. We all do things that others don't approve of. I guess what I'm saying is wait until it comes out. Either the wife will fess up or the husband will catch on to something being wrong. Let them deal with they're problems.


    Bookmark   March 19, 2002 at 11:38AM
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I am a true believer that you end one relationship before you begin another. If you find someone better, have the guts and decency to say so BEFORE you sleep with them. And if things are not going well with your spouse (abuse, other marital problems, etc) then you are not in a good position to start another relationship with someone else anyway. You need time to heal yourself before you start "dating" again.

I would want a friend to tell me. These days it isn't just a matter of cheating. There are diseases out there that can kill you (hepatitis, aids, others). I could not forgive someone for taking MY life in their hands and being irresponsible with it. And if a friend knew my DH was cheating, they are doing the same thing in my eyes if they don't tell me.

And I don't like the idea of a bunch of people sitting around and pitying me because my DH is running around, and not saying a word. I think that bothers me the most.

In this situation, I have mentioned to the person doing the cheating "You want to risk yourself, fine. But don't risk someone else without their knowledge. I will not lie for you. I will not cover for you. Either you tell, or I do".

I would hope my friends and others around me would do the same.

Who understands that all situations are different, but still believes she should end one relationship before she starts another.

    Bookmark   March 20, 2002 at 8:50AM
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Well here is an update:

She got caught. The "other" guys girlfriend called and spoke to the husband and told him what was going on. They are going to go to counseling and try to work this out. Hopefully they will be able to they do have 3 teenage daughters and I think they might get pass this.

I keep asking her now was that worth it? Sometimes I can be very blunt and other times I hide in the bush.

I am just glad that it is out in the open. The husband had a long talk with my DH about the situation. Then the whole way home my DH kept saying you would be out the door so fast it would make your head spin. I just kept saying I think I would have to be in the situation first before I say what I would do.

Now I am going to post that question for everyone.

    Bookmark   March 20, 2002 at 10:07AM
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No. I have been in the situation where my best friend was having an "emotional affair" and her husband came to me wanting to know what I knew about it. I said nothing. I am friends with both of them, but she is my friend and she trusts me with these secrets for a reason.
We have been friends since we were 11 year old and we both know that the other one is there no matter what.
My friend had the good sense to end this "affair" before things went to far, and their marriage is fine (this has been about 10 years ago).
Sometimes, silence is golden.

    Bookmark   March 20, 2002 at 2:47PM
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Before you tell, you should realize that this is a no-win situation for you. The person you tell will remember you as the bearer of bad news and your friend will, of course, be mad that you told. If they stay together, odds are you'll be knocked off their list of friends. If they break up, the same thing could happen.
With that in mind, if you think that you really need to tell, then go ahead. Just be aware of the real consequences.

    Bookmark   April 1, 2002 at 1:09AM
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Your friend has put you in a horrible position, you need to slap her for that. NO please dont slap her i'm just saying how dare she tell you something like that knowing that all of you are friends.
I would tell her she has put you in a very uncomfortable position and its not fair. Tell her she needs to tell her husband what she is doing. It's not your place to tell him but I definitely understand where you are coming from.
If it bothers you that much you may have to reveal it to your husband and see what he thinks and let him know that you can't be phony around them acting like you don't know whats going on. You may have to cut off that friendship because I don't know how you can stand being around them together knowing what she is doing.
When it all blows up in her face, come back to the forum and let us know what happened especially me because im nosey.

    Bookmark   January 21, 2006 at 5:11AM
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My friend confessed to me that she was having an affair. I kept quiet for a year. Everytime we got together she would be pissed off when I told her the guy she is cheating with is a liar. He is married and manipulates her everytime. I have seen her cry of desperation, do crazy stuff and yet she lies to her husband which is my good friend all the time. Sometimes she even uses me to cover her late nights or else.

I know the guy she is cheating with superficially. I have made clear to her that I dont like him and I don't approve what she is doing. My girlfriend says that she loves this guy. So I told her if you love him then let your husband free so he can find his own happiness. She is been lying for over 3 years now. Recently he called me up to ask me for a Divorce Lawyer, when he called me he was so pissed because she was seen with this dude by his friends. When he asked me questions for more I wanted to, I couldn't lie. I don't condone dishonesty, especially when you have had thousand of opportunities to come clean.

To make this short, she is a good girl just lost, he is a good guy but he can't seem to get her attracted to him anymore. He confronted her and the bomb was out. She of course hates me because I did tell.

I am not a kiss and tell person but if someone comes to me asking for questions you better believe I will give answers. If I was in his situation, I would be very very hurt that not only my spouse was cheating but also my friends were aware, so humiliating!

Truth is not for everybody and some people would rather die with a secret than to face an ugly situation. I have cheated before and I have been cheated on too. I know by personal experience that nothing is more satisfying that knowing you are true, you are honest and people make life choices.

I feel sad I lost her and I would do anything to have protected her if this was good for her, but that other m@#$%^ Fu^&*( lied to her, used her. Friends help each other but also speak with the truth.

That's my 20 cents.

PS. If you do something, whatever that might be, there will be consequences. Good Luck to you all!

    Bookmark   April 27, 2011 at 1:32PM
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I would hate to have any of you as friends, seriously. I don't understand the logic of turning the other way while your "friend" cheats on their spouse when you're supposedly friends with their spouse as well, all so you can spare yourself some discomfort.

I was in this position before with a female friend who was cheating on her husband and I chose to end the friendship. She had confided in me, hoping I would be the supportive, passive friend that would listen to her exploits but keep my mouth shut. I decided that she was not the kind of person I wanted in my life. If she could betray and lie to the person she was supposed to love more than anyone else, what else was she capable of? She ended up coming clean to her husband and they divorced soon after.

    Bookmark   May 23, 2011 at 9:16PM
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Wow, so glad to hear someone else is going through this torment. I just told my husband's friend about his wife. She/kids are gone for few days. I'm pretty sure I'll never hear from her again. But I would want someone to tell me if I were in the situation. I wouldn't want to walk around like a fool. Hope you will post what you decided to do- say how it turns out.

    Bookmark   June 11, 2011 at 4:26PM
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Depends on how close I was to the friend, but I think in general, I would probably tell.

I've been on the other side, ex-wife had a 9 mo affair on me, for the first 6 months I had no clue, then started to get bad 'vibes', started looking thru her cell, papers, etc...finally after another month I pieced it all together. If a friend knew and told me, he/she could have saved me months of sleepless nights, confusion, pain and worrying if I was gonna lose my kids (before this I was clueless as to the law and just figured it was like the 50s and moms always got the kids....not the case anymore, thank god).

If it was a good friend, I'd probably talk to him first....tell him he should either come clean and get out of the marriage, or tell his wife they need some serious counseling.

    Bookmark   June 14, 2011 at 1:30PM
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