Husband's disinterest in sex is hurtful

geminidream61March 6, 2008

I feel as if I have been banging my head against a brick wall for a few years now. I'm an attractive forty six year old woman who keeps herself up physically and I don't understand why this keeps on "not" happening.

My husband is eleven years my junior and we have been married for seven years this September. About three years ago, I found out he'd had an affair in the workplace. They ended it and we began working on us. While he was involved with her he would refuse to make love with me, at the time I didn't know he was involved with anyone but me. It really tore me up and hurt my feelings alot.

Well here we are now, still no real affection and as of late, he's started rejecting me sexually again too. He will literally and physically push me away and turn away from me. I've also tried not instigating sex at all and still showing affection, but still, NOTHING!!!

You know, I have to wonder if he's seeing someone else again. When we do end up making love, I'm always the one instigating it and it's really getting to the point of me trying to decide if it's really worth it or not. I can't handle feeling like a roomate instead of his wife anymore.

I don't know what to do, I've tried everything from sexy nightys to new things in bed. I get ignored. I'm really wondering if he is cheating again though he says he is not and there are no incidents of him being out late like before or anything concrete on him having another affair.

I'm just sick and stressed out about this and wanting it to either change for the better or to end so neither of us has to go through this, I'd rather stay married to him and have him be like he was with me before the affair, but it doesn't look like it's going to happen. Have any of you ever gone through this? We have no kids, no financial worries and there shouldn't be a problem. I'm pissed off and hurting so much right now. Don't know what to try next.

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asolo

I must assume you've discussed this. How did that go?

Are there issues of "preferences" that have been issues when things were different? Back when things were ok, how "ok" were they?

    Bookmark   March 6, 2008 at 11:47AM
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geminidream61

Yes, we did discuss it a multitude of times. Each time ended up with him closing himself off to me physically and emotionally and with me getting angrier and more hurt each time. We've tried counceling, it didn't work because he wouldn't talk to the counselor either with or without me. No issues of preference from before at all. And "ok" before was great, it was a very good connection with lots of love and affection and caring. These days, well since his affair, I've been lucky to even get eye contact. This whole situation is really just killing me emotionally.

    Bookmark   March 6, 2008 at 12:32PM
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asolo

If he won't even attempt to work it out with you or with a counselor, you may have a decision to make. Clearly, there's something he's not willing to disclose to anyone. Without acknowledgement, willingness, and effort on his part, you're left with nothing and no hope. I would find it difficult to consider building a life with a person like that.

    Bookmark   March 6, 2008 at 1:25PM
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scarlett2001

Ditto to what Asolo said. There is only so much one person can do. It takes two. I wonder if he is hiding bi or homosexual feelings? The fact that he wouldn't talk to the counselor means he has something pretty big to keep to himself. And it could have nothing to do with you at all.

    Bookmark   March 6, 2008 at 2:18PM
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sweeby

If he won't even make eye contact? It sure sounds like he's hiding something and/or being dishonest.

It could be something as 'forgiveable' as a sexual performance problem that wounds him to the very core of his masculinity. It's a sensitive area and some guys take performance problems very, very personally. To the point where they'd rather lose a marriage than admit the reason for the problem...

But the way he's closing himself off and avoiding eye contact just seems dishonest. I ask this in all earnestness -- Can he truly tell you anything without fear? Would he geniunely believe you if you promised him you wouldn't get mad if he told you the truth? But that his silence is killing you?

    Bookmark   March 6, 2008 at 7:08PM
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geminidream61

Asolo, I'm beginning to think that way too. Scarlett, none of those tendencies, and no, I'm not blind to that possibility. Sweeby, I'm thinking like you that he is being dishonest and hiding something there. Yes he knows he can come to me and not have to fear anything, his silence is deadlier to me than if he told me. Only if he is having another affair does he know that I will leave him. This is his second chance with me and he does know how important loyalty and fidelity is to me. I just won't put up with it again.

    Bookmark   March 7, 2008 at 8:41AM
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scarlett2001

I think you just answered your own question.

    Bookmark   March 7, 2008 at 11:34AM
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shaun

I was wondering, back when he had the affair, how did you find out about that?

    Bookmark   March 7, 2008 at 4:28PM
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geminidream61

I found a cell phone that I didn't know he had and on it incriminating pictures and texts.

    Bookmark   March 7, 2008 at 5:24PM
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shaun

Oh ok. I guess he had to admit it last time since you found the pictures.

I was thinking if you had evidence this time, maybe he'd admit it. And since you don't have evidence, he's not admitting to anything.

You said: he knows he can come to me and not have to fear anything

His fear I'm assuming is that he knows you will leave him if he cheats again so he's not owning up to anything....until you have proof.

Good Luck to you.

    Bookmark   March 7, 2008 at 9:58PM
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geri_2008

I can understand your frustrations. I'm going through the same thing. I'm an attrative 42 year old with a 19 month old and a 15 year old. I've lost all my baby weight and then some!! I recently found out my husband used and escort service while on a business trip. I'm seeing a counsoler and things still are not any better. Your post sounded just like me taking to my doc. I hate going to bed at night, and I feel like a roommate too!! He is going to try a session with my next week. My doc thinks he has an additction to porn. Hopeless......

    Bookmark   March 12, 2008 at 11:40AM
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blondiel

Do you feel that the age gap has widened and he is no longer attracted to you? My husband is eighteen years older than I and as both of us age, I sense that the gap appears to grow wider. The age difference is something that both people have to work on and I am not sure that most people realize that. I didn't.

    Bookmark   March 16, 2008 at 4:45PM
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sandura

This is a late follow-up, but I would ask about verbal intimacy--do you take time to lie around and just talk about what other aspects of your lives feel like, expressing interest in and compassion for one another? And about dominating--does the more interested partner make the less interested partner feel dominated and "unheard"? Typically, the person who feels dominated (bossed around) must protect his or her sense of integrity by shutting down sexually--maintaining the boundary of the body since the other partner violates some psychological boundary, perhaps through needing to "win: or be "right" rather than listening actively. A man or woman who feels like he or she is not being heard is often in fact being told how he or she feels, or that he or she is wrong, etc--nothing will shut a person down sexually so successfully as that.

    Bookmark   August 15, 2011 at 4:06AM
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sandura

Although I will add that I believe that the dynamic is different for people who were sexually abused in youth or childhood.

And that anyone who starts to feel that their body is being transformed by their partner into merely a vehicle for that partner's sexual gratification--with pressure to perform on top of that (e.g., you have to pretend to be enjoying the process of your body being used as someone's tool for better masturbation) will naturally turn off sexually. It has nothing to do with rejecting the look of the partner.

It has everything to do with issues of pressure, intimacy, closeness, trust, respect, a measure of autonomy, etc. A long-term partner is essentially more of a friend and family member than anything else after those first two or three years. Keep up the genuine praise (it must be truly felt, and stated calmly) and kindness, keep being repeatedly respectful, be somewhat autonomous but not aloof, listen carefully, do things outside the house together, engage in non-sexual affection with no groping whatsoever 8 times a day, be affectionate and patient through illness and stressors, be consistently supportive to each other, and you will have a happy enough sex life. Above all, listen, be brave in talking, be calm, and be devoted to your partner--focus on her or him, not your unmet needs if possible. Clean the house together. Laugh, play, spend time having fun, pay honest compliments.

    Bookmark   August 15, 2011 at 4:43AM
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