20yr marriage down the tubes

glennczMarch 4, 2007

i believe in marriage and i am willing to stick with the committment i made to my wife. my wife has an anger problem, is often depressed and just doesn't have enough going on in her life to keep her happy. two months ago she went into another rage and jan 1st and it has been bad ever since. we have had weekly marriage counseling sesssions with an excellent counselor, but it is not helping. weekends are very difficult with this women because she is hostile to me and just doesn't seem like she wants to play this game of marriage. and funny thing is, i do think we are compatable. she has a bad outlook on our financial situation even though we are quite prospoerous, she doesn't even like my gardening, me trying to make our property more beautiful. she is anti- everything. i think much of this has to do with the fact she is through menopause, she tells me her sex drive is nil, and subconsciouly, she feels she can't even do that right anymore. every weekend living with her is Pain! weekdays i can tolerate because of work. Sometimes I think she would be quite happy if I found a girlfriend and broke up this marriage. That would be her easy way out.

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I can't imagine where her anger could be coming from.

"Sometimes I think she would be quite happy if I found a girlfriend and broke up this marriage. That would be her easy way out."
What a guy!
You'd go out & "find a girlfriend", messing up still another woman's life, *just* so your wife would be "happy"...*and* you'd resent your wife for it!
("her easy way out")
Do you wonder that your wife has an anger problem?

Here's the only other posting I found for glenncz, on the thread "her weight has killed our sex life":

Posted by glenncz (My Page) on Tue, Aug 15, 06 at 4:56

god bless you buddy, my heart is out to you, one of my greatest fears. I am 100% for marriage and all the bull that most of us have to put up with one way or another, but i don't know how i would be able to bear living with a huge, fat wife.

Again, what a guy!

    Bookmark   March 4, 2007 at 10:55AM
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>I can't imagine where her anger could be coming from.

your post reminds me again why i stick with my wife, there is obviously much worse news out there. my wife had an anger problem before and when i met her, it just continues as a part of her personality. there is NEVER an excuse for bad behavior, no matter how it seems reasonable to You to blame it on someone else.
>You'd go out & "find a girlfriend", messing up still another woman's life, *just* so your wife would be "happy
It is my wife who is talking about tearing this "family" apart, not me.
>Again, what a guy!
hope(for your husbands sake) you didn't take me previous post too personal!

    Bookmark   March 4, 2007 at 12:23PM
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My first thought - if you've been reasonably content for 20 years, but are having trouble now - is that her hormones are out of whack, and that is playing havoc with her moods. I hate to sound sexist here, but when a woman's hormones are off, her moods are often WAY OFF. And getting her hormone levels back in balance may be the biggest step toward fixing your problems. A really good endocrinologist (one who listens!) is on order.

You also remarked that she's depressed and doesn't have enough to do. Finding some worthwhile volunteer work or a part-time job might really help. Or a light exercise program? Again, hormones could be responsible.

And if you haven't tried it -- a strong statement of love and emotional support from you and concern for her feelings might go a long way. Along the lines of how you can see that she isn't happy and that you really love her and want your marriage to work out -- and what can you do to help? Then be quiet, don't get defensive, and really listen to what she has to say.

    Bookmark   March 4, 2007 at 4:50PM
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Yep, I think if you followed Sweeby's advice you would be on the right road.

All I can add is that she sounds really sad, its aweful feeling the way she does, and if she is overweight as well, well she is feeling pretty unattractive as well. I am sure all women feel like this from time to time. Its really hard to get through the day, when your hormones are all over the place, nothing makes you happy, you dont like yourself, and you can't understand why anyone else would even like you.

I would try not to take all this personally, I know that is hard for you.

You only avenue of action is to give her a hug, and follow Sweeby's last paragraph.

She certainly needs a health checkup.

But maybe you have been doing all what is suggested, what then ?

Ask the counsellor, say to them what you have said here. Are you honest in what you say to this person ?

I think its good that you have posted here, good to get it off your chest.

All the best, keep us posted.


    Bookmark   March 4, 2007 at 6:16PM
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Pretty big combination of annoyances converging -- combined with a 20-year investment.

At a minimum I think its quite reasonable to expect that she accept some responsibility in allowing herself to be examined -- to acknowledge that the present state of affairs can't be allowed to continue. Everybody goes through "phases" in their lives. However, if it appears that this is how its going to be for the rest of your lives, I'm sympathetic to your considering your options.

    Bookmark   March 4, 2007 at 6:45PM
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are people really happy in >20 yr marriages? my one friend is getting divorced and my other is in a terrible marriage. others have divorced already. don't even know why i posted here because there truly doesn't seem to be anything i can do. ever hear the saying, act "as if", well, she act like i don't care about her and then she waits anxiously for me to prove it to her. sad thing is we have so much to be grateful for, we like the coummunity where we live, i have been successful in my career, our kids are decent enough. i love my life! of course my dad always said life balances out, i can't have it all, can i. i have great hobbies, great friends, and at least "I" think i can be a good partner, i think i'm good marriage material, trouble is my wife don't think i am, i analyze it, and just don't know what to do. yes, hormones, wife going through big chance is part of it, but i can't tell her what to do. from my "man" perspective, if i was a woman at 50 i would go on just a dab of estrogen to keep the sex drive and feminitity going, even for self-satisfaction, because i think when a woman turns 50 she knows it's OVER, and that can be hard to accept. some woman get mean because of it. anyway, sounds like there are some mature women around here, not kids.

    Bookmark   March 4, 2007 at 9:25PM
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How can I say this diplomatically? uh... well... Glen - You're not sounding terribly sensitive and supportive here. In fact, you're sounding pretty dense and not at all well-informed about women's health issues. A lack of information can be forgiven if you'll just ADMIT you don't understand it and not try to pretend that you do.

Balancing hormones out is a LOT of work. It's NOT just dabbing on a a bit of estrogen and getting happy again. If it was that simple, we'd all be happy. Not to change the subject, but just to illustrate - my endo and I have been working for well over a year to try to get my hormones back in semi-balance, and I'm NOT even going through the change. Mine's a relatively 'simple' one-hormone problem, and we're at almost $5,000 or so in medical bills so far. I'm much happier than I was a year ago -- but if you understood how little that really says, you'd have a lot more sympathy for your wife's feelings.

And to hear you say "when a woman turns 50 she knows it's OVER, and that can be hard to accept. some woman get mean because of it. " -- Well, that just makes me want to thunk you over the head with 2x4. More than once! And I'm guessing I'm the "mature" and reasonable one!

Sometimes - the most important thing you've got in a marriage is determination and a refusal to give up -- that old committment to your team mate. But to make that work, you have to stop blaming her for feeling bad, understand that she's acting bad because she feels bad -- and stop trying to fix complex problems with a dab of estrogen cream.

    Bookmark   March 4, 2007 at 9:41PM
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"...when a woman turns 50 she knows it's OVER...."

I don't know what kind of women your neighborhood is populated with but that sure isn't the case where I live.

Back to the topic........ How much sympathy does one termagant require? For how long? You're on the receiving end. You also may be her only hope.

Every good wish in your deliberations.

    Bookmark   March 4, 2007 at 10:31PM
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"I think when a woman turns 50 she knows it's OVER,"

This is so not true! My aunts are in their 50's and they STILL look better then some girls MY Age do!!! They take care of themselves,exersice,go to the dentist,eat right right,and they are absolutely stunning. I can only hope to look so good when I'am that age.
Your wife sounds as though she isnt taking care of herself though. I bet she could look alot better if she tried,but maybe she's just too depressed to try. I totally agree with sweeby that she should find a good doctor.
Marriage is supposed to be for better or for worse.I'm sure you havent always looked that great either.
However,if she is really being MEAN,tell her you want her to get help or that you wont tolerate her mean behavior anymore.

    Bookmark   March 5, 2007 at 1:06AM
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In my neck of the woods, 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce, so I don't have to look very far to find friends who are in this process, or have been through this process.

But, you know, I think that makes me work out what makes a marriage last. I certainly dont start thinking, maybe I should join them.

Glen, look at the big picture. What do you want from your marriage ? You said you have a lot to be thankful for, well why would you want to throw it all in.

Be clever, be resourceful, help your wife, work out what her problem is, take control and get her moving into some sort of action plan to sort out her health issues.

But you heart has got to be in it..and it doesnt sound like it is.

Lots of "I"'s in your previous post, perhaps a bit more "WE"'s might keep your family unit together.


    Bookmark   March 5, 2007 at 3:43AM
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I've read through this thread several times and I have to say that you (OP, Glenncz) don't seem to have ANYTHING positive to say about your wife. SHE has an anger problem. SHE doesn't like your gardening. SHE would be happy if you found a girlfriend. SHE has hormones out of control.

YOU, on the other hand, are good marriage material. YOU are willing to stick with your commitment. YOU have a successful career. YOU have great hobbies and friends.

It sounds to me as if you don't really like her much. And you don't seem to have a lot of respect for her either.

And maybe she has noticed that.

That would be enough to sour my mood. I think you need to look at your own attitude and ask yourself if she has been hurt by it. My guess is that she has and that her self esteem has taken hit after hit through the years. She finds herself getting a little older and - heaven knows - that isn't going to make it any easier to get in your good graces. Who raised those good kids? Is she a stay at home mom? If so, her feedback comes pretty much exclusively from you. What has she been hearing?

No wonder the poor woman is a bit down. Been there, done that. Don't wear the t-shirt no more.

    Bookmark   March 5, 2007 at 10:15PM
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I know the feeling from the opposite side of the fence. My husband says I have an anger problem, twice I have been through counselling for it and both times they are saying it is not all me. This time although he is willing to do the counseling with me, supposedly if it fits in his schedule. Nothing ever does. It is not my hormones. He works 12 hours a day, 5 days a week. He does very little around here and I am a stay at home to 3 beautiful girls. I cannot work due to a disability, MS. A few months ago the oldest girl competed in a contest where his exgirlfriend was a judge. She copied the email (home and work for him) from the daughter's forms and they got together for lunch and one late night when they "needed" to talk (he says nothing but a hug happened). The only way I found out was an email. Do not do this to your wife, it hurts so deeply and trust is something a marriage needs. I know. Right now, I am facing the rest of my life alone for I cannot trust him and he finds that wrong. As I type this I cry, I am so hurt. I guess I need someone to talk to today. Anyway, take care have her ob/gyn test her for menopause and then get help if it is it. I thank you for listening and hope this helps. Lizzie2

    Bookmark   March 9, 2007 at 1:35PM
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