Facbook issue-What is your opinion?

turkeytrottMarch 12, 2009

My hubby is new to facebook and I created the account for him as he likes the bingo's on it (which he had played on mine) The other night I was chatting to my niece in the kitchen and he was on the computer in the other room, (normally we are in the same room.) Anyway he happened to come across his ex-fiance (people you may know tool) from years and years ago and added her but of course didn't mention it to me, so when I signed on mine it said hubby and--- are now friends. Well last night I tried to talk to my husband and of course it turned into my fault I really didn't care if he spoke to her (they used inbox and nothing personal was said) but I felt out of respect he could have asked if it would bother me. I would never add a guy from my past as I would feel that is not right. I feel that he dis-respected me and hurt my feelings. For about 6 months now we have been doing great although for a year and a half before that we were on the verge of a divorce. Last night he implied that we could still end up there this is so crazy it was like I am not entitled to have my own feelings unless they are approved by him. Tuesday we will be married for 19 years and now I am really hurt because I do feel that I should be able to have my own feelings without him freaking out and blaming me. As if this should have caused a world war but it seems it has. This morning he left without kissing me goodbye and that never happens not even when we were about to split. We were going away this weekend to see our Daughter and we were going to rent a motel room with jacuzzi for our anniversary that I am sure is not going to happen....lol. So tell me all what you think would this hurt you or would this be ok that he didn't feel it necessary to let me know?

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Yep, that would really hurt my feelings too. If he can't see that what he did was wrong, I really don't know what to tell you. I know not to friend my old boyfriends, duh...

Could you try to friend the ex-fiance too? If it's all in fun, why not? At least you could sort of follow what is going on between them. Although having to have to do that is just wrong, IMHO.

I don't want to create a war between you two. But, I think it's extremely disrespectful what he did to you. First off, he should not have friended the girl, and then not telling you is wrong too. I really don't think you can trust him on facebook. Sadly, I suspect many people are doing this kind of thing and it will lead to many marriage breakups. There's a reason not to have ongoing relationship with your ex's (even if it's just thorugh Facebook). It's generally just not healthy for your current marriage/relationship.

    Bookmark   March 12, 2009 at 9:38AM
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I consider myself fairly open, yet I wouldn't care for having an ex fiance on my hubby's facebook.
And he didn't just "come across" his ex...he looked her up :(
Lots of times people who know they're in the wrong protest most.
And if you're not comfortable with it, why would he want to hurt your feelings?
Throwing the word divorce in the mix...big no no. Unless he plans on leaving, I wouldn't tolerate being threatened each time you disagree.
I wouldn't even dignify his accusations about it being your fault with a response. Child like behavior on his part.
And by him not kissing you goodbye? Are you a naughty girl who needs to be punished?
Nope, he needs a wake-up call.

    Bookmark   March 12, 2009 at 2:43PM
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I think you should really think of k*lling the bas***d

    Bookmark   March 12, 2009 at 3:21PM
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Divorces are so messy, besides I did that once... it was too painful. I hated having to share my things with him. I mean WOW, it was so much work. So take my advice and shoot him so something like I can talk you through LOL

    Bookmark   March 12, 2009 at 4:00PM
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I may be the lone voice of dissent, but do you really expect your husband to ask permission before he friends someone? It's not like he sought her out or did it in secret- it gets announced to all of your friends (so it's not like he did it in secret), and it's not like Facebook friends are your real friends- they're people you care enough about to read about, but not enough to actually talk to.

    Bookmark   March 12, 2009 at 4:26PM
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Ok, here is my two cents:

There is a lot here, (in your post), that says there is a lot more issues then just the facebook incident. I am in no position to give advise, but I am just telling you my opinion.

You do have the right to be upset about the facebook incident, but let me tell you something, men are wired diferently, they dont think how we do, to them (men) is no big deal that he is talking to his ex, it's just emails (he says) right? That is because he does legitimaly thinks is not big deal, but, I would keep my eyes open, because it could very well turn into something diferent. Now, back to you, yes I agree that it must of hurt your feelings, it hurt mine when I found out my DH was texting and emailing his ex, they think just because it is not sexual its no big deal, I know, I know, it is stupid how they think, but if you want to stay married, you have to be smart and pick your battles, there has been talks of divorce before and again recently right? Do you want to get divorced? Do you want to stay married? This are two things you have to answer for yourself. If you want to get a divorce then the answer is easy, but if you want to stay married, then pick your battles, be smart about how you approach things, on this issue, you have told him how you feel about it, he got mad, now what? I think you should drop it (if you want to keep the peace)and just keep your eyes open, if he leaves the messages out in the open, for you to see, then maybe it is all innocent, he knows (I think, from what I gathered from your post)that you will see the conversations beetwen them two, if he did not erase it, then maybe there is nothing to worry about, do you see what I am saying? My DH, he DID erase everything, txt, emails, history, so I knew there had to be something he did not want me to see, why would he be erasing it?? Its a no brainer....But with you, if he is not erasing nothing (yet) then I would just keep an eye on it. About the not kissing you in the morning before he left, again, pick your battles,

my DH did not kiss me goodby today either and he always does it too, but, I have more things to worry about, enough to keep me occupied then to worry about him not kissing me this morning. Yes it could be a sign, but then again it could not, men dont look at things the way we do, he probably did not mean not to kiss you. Look , things are pretty shacky, rigth? Pick your battles, if it is anything like my situation, there is a lot of problems, and some are bigger then others, I would rather fix the big problems and get on with life then bickering about wehther he kissed me or not.
I hope this helps you even a little bit, if you need to talk, come here and vent, you can then pick the best advise that fits your situation! Good luck to you, and I wish you the best!

    Bookmark   March 12, 2009 at 4:56PM
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A guy's perspective...

I would not be worried if my wife Facebooked an old BF and did not try to hide it.

I would be a bit uneasy if it was an ex-fiancé.

I would be a whole lot upset and confused if she threw around "divorce" when asked her about it.

Your husband's bringing up past troubles to scare you from asking questions; that's not right. "Divorce" is not a word one throws about lightly. You pushed a button of his; what that means I cannot say.

As for me, there are no "ex-fiancés" in my life. As for ex-girlfriends, I've no interest in looking for any of them. They're "ex" for a reason, ya' know.

Good luck.

    Bookmark   March 12, 2009 at 6:16PM
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First off no I do not expect that he needs to ask permission but out of respect I think my feelings should have been taken into consideration. He added her from the people you know tool so therefore yes he did look her up. However you are entitled to your opinion. The contact was done through the inbox not on the wall so it is private not announced.
I do realize men are wired different as he believes anytime I feel hurt I must have done something wrong lol. This is not about me being insecure it just came across as disrespectful. As for him not erasing it, she wrote back after he was gone to work the next day so I saw it first. I do love him but I refuse to walk on eggshells throughout my life if I am hurt I feel as my husband he should at least try somewhat to understand why. He doesn't have to feel the same though. I do know that if I put my ex on there he would have a fit although he denies this. I am very easy going and he was the one that wanted the divorce before not me, he is also is the one that said he wanted back in this marriage 100% and asked me to buy him a new ring as his had gotten to small. I did not mention it this morning to try to allow him time and we talked about normal things so I don't feel he needed to walk out without trying to make me feel a touch better about all this. I felt by me talking with him normally I was extending an olive branch, I won't do it again only to get it snapped back in the face. (not litterly lol)

    Bookmark   March 12, 2009 at 6:37PM
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I'm just throwing a different perspective out here.

Maybe he is upset that you got so upset about it. Maybe to him it seemed innocent and the way your reacted set him off? I know with my dh we have gotton in arguments over things because of the tone of voice or attitude the other person got about something. After things have settled down and we are able to talk calmly things have been seen in a different light and we will see the others point of view.

Is it possible if you two talked about this calmly and not in an accusing way it would make a difference?

I have facebook too and my husband does not have it. He is not really into that stuff. I don't discuss everyone on my friends list with him. I have family and lots of friends (male and female) from my past on there. If he wanted to see it I would show him because I have nothing to hide.

But I do see your point about being friends with a serious ex. I dated a guy for quite a while before meeting my dh. He was friends with one of my friends husbands. Anyways after breaking up he graduated from the college we attended and went off to medical school and we lost contact. My friend has him as a friend on her myspace now and as curious as I am to see his profile and how he is doing I don't because I would not want my dh catching up with a serious ex.

    Bookmark   March 12, 2009 at 10:49PM
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Can I ask what happened before that he wanted to end the marriage and changed his mind? Did he have an affair and then decide that he did not want to leave you for the other woman afterall?

Just asking because if that was the case I would take this facebook thing very serious.....

    Bookmark   March 17, 2009 at 9:47AM
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I really don't know why he wanted out of the marriage , seemed to maybe be about our age, kids leaving home, first grandbaby was born, hating his job not happy with anything. Although he said he wanted out he never left and was always home at the same time as he has for the last umpteen years, still wanted me meeting him for lunch whenever I could. I really don't know what the issues seemed to be he would just say I am not happy and I don't know why. I think depression and I believe it is still an issue although he has gotten happier with work and has now had time to adjust to all the changes that happened in a few months period. The only problem here for me is because when that first happened it was so out of the blue that now I feel insecure and don't have a clue how to sart feeling that way when as soon as an argument hits he mentions divorce. But I do want to clarify I was wrong in my original post it was her that looked him up I checked the mailbox that is associated with the account. I still feel that it is not a necessity for him to have her on his facebook but I did apologize to him for not believing that she wrote him first.

    Bookmark   March 17, 2009 at 3:29PM
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Have you asked him to delete her from his friends?

I have not been married more than a few years so I really think I have less experience than you.

If it were me though I would tell him how I feel about the woman and ask him to delete her from his friends.

I would also let him know how much it hurts when he threatens me with divorce. And I would go as far as to say that if he continued to threaten me with it then I would go ahead and do it! You deserve to be happy and enjoy your life...not walk on eggshells with your husband of 19 years!

    Bookmark   March 19, 2009 at 11:08PM
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So he took me out for supper on the 17th and all seemed to be going fine. I did not ask him to remove her but I did say I did not think it was a nessecity for her to be on it and dropped the subject. So we agreed to do our anniversary gift/card exchange on the weekend. On friday night he comes home with a dozen white roses and a 2009 Ford Escape for me! To say the least I was like totally baffled, he traded in my 2003 Ford Windstar that worked fine (and I had paid for) as it was in his name. I know I should have been thrilled but who makes that kind of decision without consulting with their spouse !! It is not like he had the money in the bank for it. I believe it to be more for him to be able to say you can't leave now you can't afford the house and SUV. Anyways on the computer I found a conversation that his buddy and him had while I was gone the weekend that we were suppose to go away (I went alone) It was saying stuff like waiting for a girl to come online see if she wants to go for a drink, going downtown blah blah,and he has to behave 'til our dd wedding may 30. Well he didn't go anywhere and I think he was just blowing smoke so to say. Anyway work gave him a ticket for a show in town this past weekend and he kept saying well I won't go as he knew I felt we both should have got a ticket cause originally there was suppose to be 1 for me and then of course due to mix ups there wasn't one for me. Anyway 2 hours before the show he announces he is going to it....this pissed me off due to what I had read in that convo and said you want me to tell you why I am not comfortable with this so I showed him a printed version of the convo. He had no response really except crap. I am totally fed up!! I told him I felt my suv was just his way of trapping me but I am not going to live like that he said I will pay for the SUV. Anyway I flipped to say the least about the whole convo and his nonchalance attitude about it. I told him this just can not keep on like this, I have caught him in many small lies etc. but of course everything in this house is always my fault. Anyway he went out and slept on the couch when he came home, well my feelings is he can just stay there I am totally fed up and sick of being at fault it seems for everything (I guess including what he types) I look forward to your responses.

    Bookmark   April 6, 2009 at 6:17PM
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Lovelaze said: "There is a lot here, (in your post), that says there is a lot more issues then just the facebook incident."

I think this is becoming pretty clear. I'm not a fan of facebook anyway, but you've described undercurrents that lead me to believe this recent thing is only one factor of many.

    Bookmark   April 6, 2009 at 7:10PM
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