Marriage in Trouble

majorxlr8nMarch 18, 2010

OK - married 8 years, have been together 11 years. my wife has slowly begun to change since early last summer. Her Blackberry never leaves her side - constant texting, emailing, Facebooking. She's always on her laptop. She gets up about 2 hours earlier than she used to, so she can talk to her "friends" in the early am, which necessitates naps throughout the day on her days off, and naps during evenings on days she works - which impacts time we can spend together. I calmly brought all this to her attention - she said I'm being controlling & that she is not giving up her friends. She does not drive, so she doesn't have much (if any) interaction with the outside world. I told her that if the roles were reversed, she surely would have a LOT to say about it. She also stopped showing me any affection and attention. I agreed to a compromise of not stopping her interaction, but make time for one another - she agreed. After this, things changed for a day or two, but then went right back to the new behaviors. I became suspicious and began checking her email. I found naked pics of some guy and I brought this to her attention. She denied it until I told her that I knew who it was, and if she didn't fess up, I would email the guy's wife. She finally admitted it but shrugged it off as "he's a pig & sends pics to a lot of women", that emailing his wife could ruin their marriage, and was worried about his kids. I was floored by her defending him. There had been some joking around with this guy that went a little too far, and the pics showed up. Made sense, so I let it go. A month passes after the pics incident, then I find an email to one of her other male friends - a confession letter about a new guy! Details were written of hot kissing, hands all over one another, and hot conversations via phone, text & email with some other guy that took place in July. They actually had a sex rendezvous planned, but by some devine intervention of my taking the night off from work, their plans got nixed. He then got cool and dumped her. Now, she tells the email recipient that she needs a hug & wants him to play with her hair the next time THEY see one another. WTF?!?!?!? I freaked. I have been dealing with her anxiety, going to ALL her therapy sessions with the psychologist, I drive her everywhere, have provided a lovely home, have been faithful, keep the house clean, do laundry, cook, and even pushed away my own family due to their evil antics/behavior. Our communication had always been very open, with very little arguing.

Well, I threw her out but she came running back. Her "beau" in the email is actually a director that works in my building. I want to dismember this guy, but it could impact my employment and also get me arrested. While she did not sleep with him, I'm crushed. I turned my family away, and she was really all I had left (we have no kids). She always worried about my being alone if she died (totally out of her control), and here she was almost ensuring that I would be alone, and she was in TOTAL control of her actions. I just cannot believe the selfishness of all her actions. Granted, I'm not perfect - I can get funny about things, but it quickly passes and I'm man enough to apologize ANY time I mess up. I used to get annoyed with people over stupid stuff, but I have worked with a therapist and have gotten much better with that. I've always loved her dearly - told her, showed her, always payed attention to her. Used to sing to her, show her a LOT affection, get doors for her. So much respect and love. Now this. My ambivilance runs high. I love her but I want to kill her at times when my mind gets thinking about all the sneaking around, and how she wanted to give up a pretty decent man (me) for someone else. I just dont get it.

NOW - I have been begun corresponding with some other gal, but don't want to get involved too far. I know having her on my mind does NOT help. She wanted to have a sex meeting between us, but I said no. After all I've been through, I actually had the strength to pass this up. She's a very caring, wonderful & beautiful gal too. She has offered to go with me to a specialist as I have a bone tumor on my knee. My own wife has not showed much interest in this, and did not even mention going with me.

I really love my wife and have been working hard to make things good again, but I don't know if my love for her is clouding my vision. Going on with her may cause me to end up getting me ulcers (already have new stomach issues), or worse case, an emptyness if/when she finally DOES ditch me for another conquest. She has a bad track record with men - affairs, promiscuity in her younger days, and this is her 2nd marriage (with me).

I've actually thought of just ending it all as I'm that miserable, but I have a stronger will to live. I just hoped it was going to be with her until we got old. I really want that.

Any words of wisdom or thoughts would be so appreciated. thank you kindly for reading my saga...

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Major, I think you're answering your own question. You know what you SHOULD do. You are being clouded by your love. You have found the proof of her attempts at infidelity. If not for the time you stayed home from work, she would have been with another guy. Then there is another one that she wants to "play with her hair". She certainly isnt acting like a married woman. THere are no children involved at this stage. She is letting you know how committed she is to your marriage. She doesnt make an effort to correct the situation even after you have talked to her about it. What are you waiting for? Get out now, this situation is only going to get worse. You sound like a great guy, find someone who appreciates you.

    Bookmark   March 18, 2010 at 8:30AM
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"She wanted to have a sex meeting between us, but I said no."

sex meeting????

    Bookmark   March 18, 2010 at 7:52PM
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"She also stopped showing me any affection and attention."

Hmmm...a clue.

"Well, I threw her out but she came running back."

Good move....but why did you allow her to return?

You're analyzing this thing into the ground. Get her out of your life and move along. I hope your commercial position doesn't involve any important decision-making. Almost a year of this and you still can't make up your mind?

    Bookmark   March 19, 2010 at 12:13AM
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Asolo brings up a good point (again) long are you prepared to endure this tumultuous situation ? There surely comes a point where its time to move on and sort out your life.

What sort of future do you want ? Ask yourself that question.

    Bookmark   March 19, 2010 at 8:32PM
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She has a Blackberry and a laptop but doesn't drive. This post sounds very fishy and unbelievable to me. Was it a dare or are you just bored?

    Bookmark   March 20, 2010 at 1:42AM
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Kathy--I, too, was suspicious before I got through the first paragraph. This sounds VERY much as if it were written by a woman, not a man--the sentence structure, emotions, and situation just don't fit for it to be a man. I'm not saying it's not true--it may be someone who is in a situation, who was trying to ask for advice but wanted to disguise their true identity--so reversed the partner roles. But there's definitely something about the post that doesn't ring totally true

    Bookmark   April 6, 2010 at 7:44PM
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They won't be back. Seems to me this forum has become a testing-ground for romantic fiction.

    Bookmark   April 6, 2010 at 8:20PM
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Well thanks to some of you for your strong disbelief in my dilemna. A quick check of my profile, which I have seen you folks boast about in other posts, would have shown that I have been a member since 2001. I have not been a participant much on the Gardenweb forums (namely tractors, lawnmowers & tool shed) as I now am a moderator of my own OPE forum & need to focus there. Guess you folks aren't used to a man posting with proper grammar, sentence structure and emoting in a clear, concise manner.

I attempted to keep the content brief, and in doing so, left out a few things. My wife suffers from general anxiety disorder (GAD) and she has a problem being behind the wheel of a car. She can drive very short distances of about 5-10 minutes before she has a panic attack. She did NOT have sex with the other man but there was heavy kissing & petting. The "sex meeting" was to be a sexual rendezvous with my female friend.

Yes, I have analyzed this to the ground. The reason being that I do love my wife and wanted to try to sort things out. I could have taken the easy way out and just left her behind but chose not to. Our marriage counselor & her psychologist have helped immensely but I still struggle with love/hate at times. Many other issues came to light that were underlying and not talked about until recently. I am guilty of doing a few things wrong and am in the process of working on them to BOTH my & my wife's satisfaction. She has also recognized (by association with ME in her position) that things need to change with her activities and behaviors. The latter was a huge step in her seeing what was done by her actions. To sum up, we're working on our relationship and it has actually been pretty good lately. There has been a steady amount of concern, affection, love, touching on a regular basis. I almost feel like I have a new love, which in fact I really do. If things go sour again, I'm out though and she knows it.

Saving the best for last, I wish to convey a huge THANK YOU for those who took the time to respond and provide some thought provoking insights. Its appreciated!

    Bookmark   April 8, 2010 at 1:03AM
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You may suffer from a case of ENABLER, and shes got you wrapped around her finger. she sounds bored with a B, not that your boring, how could you be, you use words like analize and have a very well spoken and articulate understanding of behavior. Neato. Sounds like it (your relationship) is running its course however it shall be,taking the sweet with the sour. ahh,marriage. Somthing i heard once, nice guys finish last, or somthing like that, i guess it means the real good ones have a rough time at, goes for women too. BoL

    Bookmark   April 20, 2010 at 4:27PM
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