My wife of 3 years cheated. How do I know how far she went

marriedandnervousMarch 18, 2010

About 8 months ago my wife and I had started to have some communication issues. I am not gonna lie I am really stubborn and hard to talk with, especially about sensitive things. Now apperently my wife had been reunited with an old friend of hers from highschool. They were talking here and there. But I started to notice that my wife wouldn't ever leave her phone around anywhere and would get really defensive about me seeing her phone. Well one night when she was asleep, I thought in my mind I'm gonna find something here if I snoop around but I have to look, so I looked in her text messages an of course she would delete suspect messages, leaving the conversation very broken. I looked thru her emails and found nothing but she was not to slick. She did erase her outgoing mails but didn't erase the trash!! I looked and low and behold I found messages to and from " Eric" we'll call him. Pictures I have never received from my wife. Showing a little bit of cleavage, showing her blowing kisses and little things that she wouldn't do for me. All this I decided to look thru because she was very adimet about going to Eric's nephews baptism, alone without our son( I had to work that day) and I kept saying why can't he go, why are you gonna be there so long. I mean really who wants to be at a baptism for more than 2 hours. And she was so angry. So I seceded to snoop. Well I had enough of what I saw and decided how should I wake her up. With a smack to the face, with the phone in my hand or I could have easily sent the pictures of the two of them on a bed together, with clothes on not provacative at all but still on a bed, and been gone and leave those pictures for her to see that I knew she had and me be gone. But like I said we have a son, the cutesy most happiest you could find. So I said no this is my house, my son my family she should be gone. So I decided to wake her up at 4 in the morning with her phone in my hand. Boy was her face ever telling!!!! Leaving out details, I was furious with her and I'm not gonna lie I did put my hands on her, but not to hit her or choke her, just to sit her down from running from the truth. After lots of talk she told me that all it was between them was flirting through texts and one day when she told me she was with her cousin, she lied and went to see him off( he lives in Vegas ) she went over to where he was staying and apparently when the bed pictures were taken , oh and he and all her friends know she is married, no one said anything to her to tell her that what she was doing ( lying on the bed with him) was wrong. So as Eric was by the car they hugged and apparently kissed. She says a lip kiss and not to open mouthed were tongue was involved. But people, in the face of absolute despiration, will lie to save whatever they could. So who knows. I live with this thought every day. Did my wife sleep with him. Now things have gotten better, our communication is 100% better, we hardly fight any more. But I still can't get that ou of my head. Some of her friends that know her well say that there's a good chance she did sleep with him. But my wife says she stopped kissing Eric because she felt disgusted and horrified by kissing another man. She says all she saw was my son and me gone away from her and her miserable.

What am I to do?

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Let me tell you that if I saw pictures of my DH in bed with another woman, even fully clothed, he'd have lots of explaining to do.
But, after finding these pics and seeing as how she was hiding her phone and finding out why....I'd just wait it out and see what her future and current behavior is.

If she has plans, meetings or outings that are out of norm for her, I'd check those out.
If her appearance changes as far as weight, hairdo, clothing...I'd look into the reasons why.

If she went looking elsewhere because you're stubborn and a non- talker, then change your style because it ain't working for you.

If you want things to work, then you both need to meet in the middle.

She may have slept with this man. but if she did and you love her and don't want to lose her then just deal with it. It may have been just a fling to prove that someone else found her attractive because you didn't make her feel that way.
if she's got what she wants at home, she won't go looking elsewhere.

Hope it works out for you.

    Bookmark   March 18, 2010 at 12:06PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

You know, though I don't like to talk about things, I would treat my wife very good. Anything she asked for was hers. Purses, clothes, jewelry, I would pay attention to her very well. So I know it wasn't a thing that she felt neglected. It was more of a I didn't like to talk about our problems. I would just try to get her to stop talking as soon as possible about our problems.
I might be playing down the pictures but, the pictures of them were not so provacatove. Simple ones of them facing up on the camera just taking pics is what she says. Now things between us have gotten better but like I said how do I know how far she went. She says she couldn't bring her self to do anything else with him because it wasn't me and she felt disgusted. Is that something believable??

    Bookmark   March 18, 2010 at 12:53PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Does she have a history of telling untruths? If not, then believe her when she tells you nothing else happened. Ypu have nothing to gain by believeing the worst.

If it turns out she's not being truthful, believe me you'll find out soon enough.

But, you mentioned "problems" that you don't want to talk about with her. If there are problems and they're not addressed how do you expect they'll get fixed?

You gave her "things" but were you giving her yourself?

    Bookmark   March 18, 2010 at 1:15PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

"but like I said how do I know how far she went. "

Don't ask. It really isn't that important, and will only make you anxious, suspicious and (probably) mean. Don't ask. Don't think about it.

"She says she couldn't bring her self to do anything else with him because it wasn't me and she felt disgusted. Is that something believable??"

For a woman, yes, that's very believable. Without knowing your wife, I certainly can't say if it's true or not -- but it's very possible. The thing is -- If you love your wife and want to save your marriage, you need to believe this. I'm not saying close your eyes and bend over. In fact, Mona's suggestions and questions are very prudent. Try to find a balance between too much suspicion and too much naivete -- trust but verify, as they say.

And stop driving yourself nuts worrying about something that may or may not have happened in the past. Work on the future.

    Bookmark   March 18, 2010 at 1:37PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

You sound like a real prize as a husband - not! I don't blame this poor woman for looking elsewhere.
And if you ever "wake her up with a smack in the face" I hope she calls the cops on you.

    Bookmark   March 18, 2010 at 4:23PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

what scarlett said.

You snooped on her, you violated her privacy, you don't trust her now, you'll never trust her, you've already woken her up in the middle of the night to terrify her, you'll get more & more obsessed with her "cheating", & you'll eventually do something that will cause both of you a great deal of misery.

Get a divorce & move on.

    Bookmark   March 21, 2010 at 7:31PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

yes you sound scary to me.

Either forgive and move on, or don't and leave. It is a simple choice really.

The fact is she looked for love and affection elsewhere, why did she do that ? You must show that she is loved, care for, listened to ... and you don't show this by buying her stuff.

Read a book on love and how to show someone you love them, even your son will benefit from those skills.

If you truly love her, forgive.

Don't spend your days blaming, fuming and being angry, it doesn't do you any good or her, or your son.

I must say, you have admitted to some short comings in your character, which is wonderful, for you to face up to that. That is one step closer to you being a more open person. Well done.

    Bookmark   March 21, 2010 at 9:37PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

OP, the bottom line is, you may never know how far she went. IMHO, a major question here is, can you live with that? Can you put that behind you, and move on?

Another major question is, are you willing to deal with faults and weaknesses in your own life which may have contributed to this problem?

Looking at the big picture -- both sides of the situation -- can help to prevent bitterness from building up in you. Bitterness will only eat at you and cause major problems for you -- not only in your marriage, but in virtually every area of your life.

I encourage you to get counseling for yourself, and counseling for the two of you together at some point if both of you feel it is needful.

All the best to both of you.

    Bookmark   March 30, 2010 at 12:35PM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???
We are in our 40's.Both of us in good shape.We are...
I don't think my husband likes me anymore
When we first started dating he always wanted to be...
how my husband requests sex
whenever my husband asks for sex, he first requests...
Am I Wasting My Time?
So, I have been with my fiance for 5 years. In the...
Age Difference
I posted this on the Parents Forum but it was suggested...
Sponsored Products
Camfora 3 Piece Outdoor Patio Sectional Set in Espresso White
$799.00 | LexMod
Sonneman Accanto 40 1/4" High Polished Chrome Wall Sconce
Euro Style Lighting
Hughes Leather U-Sofa Sectional (3 piece) - Brighton Energy Pink
Joybird Furniture
Blue Mini Donut Maker
$18.99 | zulily
Diamond Sofa Urban Collection Three Piece Arm Sectional with Square Corner Chair
Beyond Stores
Safavieh Handmade Ancestry Tan/ Ivory Wool Runner (2'3 x 8')
Personalized Pet Treats Jar - V
$125.00 | Horchow
Logico Single Ceiling Mount
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™