empty marriage

kendio310March 14, 2012

I have been marries for nearly 20yrs to a wonderful husband who is a great provider, helper and father. However having had a fantastic sex life before we were married, it eased of slowly but surely over the years. There was always an excuse of being tired, sore, stressed etc etc and promises!! As time went by I began to try all sorts of weird and wonderful things which gave off some sparks but then petered out again. We recently moved to the other side of the world for a better life for us and the kids and we have had sex twice in 3 months.....its always the same way .... I do love my husband but things have stared to become resentful and I feel so angry towards him...it hurts so deeply that I feel that my husband doesn't want me...he tells me he does but he would rather spend time in front of the pc than with me. As our kids are all at school during the day and he works shifts we have more alone time now than ever...I know he still is interested as I catch him looking at porn.

I dont feel that it will ever get better and realise that once the kids are up and away that we will part.Before we left I had met up with an old friend from my schooldays and we realised that we were still deeply attracted to each other and began a very passionate affair...we are still in touch via fb..he is also married and has young kids but like me he plans to stay around until his kids are away...I do feel though that if my husband had shown some interest I never would have gone down this road...its so hard and painful.....but what can I do?

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mkroopy

So glad you are being honest and upfront with this "wonderful husband who is a great provider, helper and father". He deserves a lot better than you. You should have the courage to put on your big girl panties and confront him about the problems in your marriage, and together decide whether to attempt to fix them, or to go your separate ways. Then, if you split, you can have your little "romance fantasy" with your old friend....which, by the way, is usally fool's gold anyway, because if you spent a few years with the new guy, do you really think all those sparks and butterflies in your stomach would still be there when you are around him? Please....that is all romance novel fantasy sh*t...

For the sake of full disclosure, except for the lack of sex part, your letter could have been written by my ex about 8 years ago. But instead of lack of sex, it was lack of attention. So she went the way you did, had affairs, broke up our family, and has now been going out with the guy she left me for (the 2nd affair guy) for about 5 years, and she complains to me about him all the time...so I guess those "butterflies" were not really permanent, were they?

Be a f*cking adult and give this "wonderful husband who is a great provider, helper and father" the respect he deserves and be honest with him, and let him be part of the decision making process on whether to stay in the marriage or not. My cheating-wh*re ex never gave me that respect, and I will never forgive her for it. I just hope she dies first so I can have the last laugh and sh*t on her grave....

    Bookmark   March 14, 2012 at 10:57AM
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amyfiddler

Ok well not sure that was helpful.... LOL - but glad you could get that off your chest!

Kendi, do you think your husband does not know about your affair?

    Bookmark   March 14, 2012 at 11:25AM
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mkroopy

I posted it to show how her "wonderful husband" might view the whole scenario, were he to know what's going on....from someone who's been in nearly the same exact situation.

And yeah, a little venting once in a while helps too.....

    Bookmark   March 14, 2012 at 12:01PM
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readinglady

Live in a sexless marriage or have an affair - surely there are other choices besides those two extremes.

Have you told your husband what you told us, that you don't see your marriage surviving if things don't change? Have you asked him why he doesn't respond any more? Why he's focused on porn instead?

I don't know the circumstances of your life, but it's possible he's depressed or there's something medical going on. Who knows?

The main issue is that your response to your husband's "neglect" was to go for the worst possible option, to have an affair rather than considering other options.

    Bookmark   March 15, 2012 at 4:13AM
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tracystoke

He was probably having an affair too ,and maybe he is on the pc keeping in touch with her too ,well it happens.

    Bookmark   March 15, 2012 at 2:55PM
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lonely

I was once in the same situation. Having an affair wont solve any thing sit down with your husband and talk things.
Make him open up to you, definetly you will find the problem. If you are realy spending the better time together then surely there is something wrong.
Dont comment on him seeing porn than performing, he might over react on it, insted join him maybe it myt bring him around.

You have been very patient, its time you spoke and found a solution. Dont hasitate marriage is nice when you are talking and solving issues together.

    Bookmark   March 16, 2012 at 7:47AM
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azzalea

I have to ask a question, one that you should be asking NOW.

How old is your husband, and what's the state of his health. There are are a number of health issues that can affect a man's sex drive--some are VERY serious like prostate cancer. Sometimes, meds taken for other conditions can lower a man's ability to have sex. Some things--like enlarged prostate--are treatable (and bonus--the meds used to treat that can delay the onset of prostate cancer!)

It is nature's cruel joke that women reach their sexual peak in their 40's, when men's is generally waning.

Before assuming HE's having an affair, or starting one (even an emotional one) yourself, GET HIM TO A DR for a complete physical, and find out if there's a medical reason for his apparent lack of interest.

And beyond that? IF you love him--or did once--why would this be a deal breaker for you? When you love someone, sex is SUCH a small part of the relationship. My husband does have some of those physical issues I've discussed, and we haven't had sex in several years. But there's no way on this earth that I'd ever consider even thinking about another man. My husband is my soulmate, he's my lifelong love, he's a wonderful person--and whether or not we have sex like bunnies doesn't change those things nor our relationship.

Whether or not you can say the same about your marriage, it's past time for you to sit down with your husband, discuss the situation, find out what's going on with him, and figure out between you what you're going to do about it. And while you are still married? Don't go looking for trouble by communicating with someone else. Get one relationship sorted out before starting another. Once you're free, you're welcome to have whatever interaction you want WITH OTHER FREE, CONSENTING ADULTS. But you stand to hurt a lot of people very badly if you continue as you are. I think you know that, but were hoping by posting, you'd get some support to help you assuage the guilt you're feeling. Sorry, not from me. I believe in marriage and marriage vows and take them very seriously.

    Bookmark   March 29, 2012 at 10:35AM
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ltran54

Azzalea, I completely agree with you on your advice for Kendio. I also take my vows seriously. The day I said "I DO" and moving forward until I died. I only look straight and never ever thinking of another man, beside my husband. "When you love someone, sex is SUCH a small part of the relationship" (for me for sure). A good man is hard to find, and I have one.
I once read in the magazine: "You can't find happiest by getting what you want, you find it by wanting what you get."

    Bookmark   March 29, 2012 at 5:11PM
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