I'm so messed up...
I'm sooo messed up and I don't even know where to begin. Sorry this is so long.
I grew up in a very dysfunctional and it was a physically and emotionally abusive family. Then my mom found god and my siblings and me had fundamental Christian beliefs forced down our throats. No offense to anyone who belongs to that type of church, but it was a nightmare for me.
I know a lot of my messed up comes from my childhood. I have been to counseling numerous times and from afar you would think I had the perfect life. People are shocked to know my parents are divorced. If they even knew a 1/10 th of it. We have a lovely home, great jobs, upper middle class,well educated, etc.
So, DH and I met in our late teens, I was 18, he was 19. We went to the same college and were from the same town. We dated for three years and got married. Why so early? I don't know. It was my idea mostly.
We have now been married for 11 years, no kids. The first year was the worst. Year 7-8 were pretty good. First I want to say there is no physical abuse in the realtionship. I know that comes up a lot and I don't want to anyone to worry that I might be in danger. I do think we are verbally and/or emotionally abusive to each other though.
DH's parents were married 20 years. His dad had a secret life and his mom found out when he was 14ish. His mom kinda went nutso when they got divorced and his Dad was pretty distant and he and his dad are not close.
So, from the beginning there was lots of arguing and screaming. I know that I never learned how to handle conflict appropriately and his family just ignores it and pretends as if there are no problems. My family screams and yells and some hit (my grandma and dad for example...my dad beat my mom all the time until they got divorced when I was 13).
We really don't agree on most issues (politics, religon -is there a god, what to eat for dinner, to pay for housecleaning, what car to drive, you name it and we have probably fought about it).
We work for the same large company, which for the most part is fine, because we do not work together on the same projects.
We both make about the same amount of money and make a good income now and though DH was/is very irresponsible with money we have found a system that works pretty well. It just means he gets an allowance and I make sure all the bills get paid. Occassionally, its an issue but for the most part its good. We did have to declare bankruptcy due to some very poor decisions and bad luck. But, since then, our financial situation has improved so there are few fights over money. Sometimes, he will want to buy something like a new car that is not in budget. And I have to be the voice of reason which is not a fun role.
Other than my poor conflict resolution methods, I am so messed up about sex, I think. Not sure if its because of my upbringing or what. When we first met, our relationship was very sexual and now we are just roommates, due to my lack of interest in sex.
First, I have a physical condtion, called vulvodynia which makes intercourse very painful, like as if you took sandpaper to your genitals. I have received medical treatment which helped a bit, but its still very painful. There is no known cure, at this time.
But, I have no interest in sex at all. I could go years without it. Not interested in hugging, hand holding kissing etc. Something is wrong with me and the doctors just say I am depressed. Well I have been taking antidepressents for 7 years, celexa now, and they help a ton with the depressive symtoms. They do not increase or decrease my desire though. I am only 32, so its not like I should be sexually dead.
DH would like to have sex daily, but honestly just once a week he would be thrilled with. Before, there was lack of sex he was addicted to porn which made me very angry. I am talking about hours upon hours and money - not the free kind. Of course now, there is no sex, so I can't be angry about it. I have just accepted that he has to do it. I admit I used to be very angry about it.
I have tried counseling and they were not helpful with the sex issue. I went to one, DH went to one and we saw mine together. I saw mine for 2 years, weekly. She did help me with other issues, such as work and communication.
I don't want to get a divorce and neither of us are happy. I am open to going to counseling again, but I need to find one that can help with the sex issue and not just the normal stuff.
Advice? Is it hopeless. I feel like we both still want to make it work, but if something doesn't change soon, its going to be over.