DH and I have been together 10 years, married 4. We LOVE each other, we work together, we are best friends, we make each other laugh constantly. I really don't see myself bonded to another man the way I am with DH, and he feels the same about me. We have been very fortunate financially and for the last 5 years or so have been able to travel to exotic places, have nice things, bank some $$...life has been blissful.
We originally didn't think we wanted kids (in our early 20's) but it was not a deal breaker or totally off the table. We starting having our niece and nephew over nearly every day as I am tutoring him in reading. Niece and nephew ADORE him, he is so imaginative and playful, I didn't even know men were capable of being that great with kids. This experience gave us the rare opportunity to see how we would be as parents. Was great: same values, same disciplinary styles, shared responsibilities well, it worked. So around the time we both turned 30, we mutually decided that we would like to start a family of our own.
We have been trying (well not preventing...we weren't ready to *try* as we feared it would ruin the intimacy) about 9 mos. Then came the week I was late. I was getting ready to go out and pick up a pregnancy test when he hit me with a train: "I want to wait to have kids." Great timing, right? I was devastated. Thank goodness I wasn't pregnant as I would have been so conflicted about the news.
That was a couple months ago, and since then the sex has been non-existent. Tension galore. We finally had it out a few nights ago where he confessed that he's not ready to have kids and might not ever be. He was crying as he feels so guilty about it, and apparantly consulted everyone he knew who had kids in what he calls "market research" to try to change his own mind...for me. He is the sweetest, seriously, I know this really pains him.
But I am so sad now hit with this realization. I was totally in baby mode. I would be a great mother and he a great father. I feel I am ready for the next phase in my life. I had this vision of my future going down path A and now I am really struggling to see my life going down childfree path B. I don't know what he thinks we are going to do instead, what he feels he'll be missing out on that we can't do if we had kids. I don't want to put him on a constant guilt trip, but right now I just can't even look at him and not be so sad, and he knows it. I feel like we ruined such a wonderful thing. I don't know how to bring the intimacy back between us...there's no question that it will be on the forefront of our minds if he puts on a condom or I pop a birth control pill. Akward.
I'm 30 so I know there's time, but if he ultimately decides he's in the "never" camp, I just don't know how I'll feel about that, or how long I'm supposed to wait for him to decide. I would never force him to compromise if that's really how he feels, it wouldn't be good for the child to have an unwilling or miserable parent. But at the same time I can't help but think that he's just scared as our life is so comfortable now, but once in the situation he would absolutely love being a dad. It's so sad, we had the best marriage ever. If anyone has any advice or words of encouragement it would be appreciated.