Need opinions please!!!

bulldinkieFebruary 11, 2002

My sister has been married 31 years, Shes having doubts about her hub right now. she asked me what I thought Id rather not get invoved but Im wondering. He said he never cheated on her but whenever, say something comes up on tv. about spouse cheating he gets upset. she told him she would not give him 2nd chance if he did.She bought him a new wedding band 2 years ago its still in box.He told her he doesnt have to tell her he loves her.He says the wedding certificate means nothing, He does check out women when theyre out together.He says its instinct. I dont know to me it sounds FISHY!!!! What do you all think.?

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Wow, that is a hard situation for your sister to be in. It does sound fishy but she made one fatal mistake, saying she would never forgive him, if he values his marriage at all he probably isn't going to tell her for fear of divorce, I know honesty is the best policy but with the law your sister has laid down he might be hesitant, counsling sounds like the best solution for them, it sounds like there are a lot of other issues to. Best of luck to your sister, I hope someone else has better advice for you :)

    Bookmark   February 11, 2002 at 11:54PM
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Certain things that you mentioned have no relevance... unless it is something very different from what he always exhibited. My husband has rarely told me that he loves me, but he has showered me with his love for the 30 years since we met. That means much more than words. There are men out there that say those words casually and mean nothing. My husband has never worn a wedding band. He also can't stand watches or any kind of jewelry. Once, to please me, he wore his wedding band and we stopped at his parents home. His Dad asked him to help him lift this humungo compressor, DH got his wedding band caught on something and nearly had his finger crushed as a result. I never asked him to wear it again. He does a lot of this kinds of work and I know that jewelry can be a hazard. Despite the fact that it is a very special piece of jewelry - it is nontheless, still jewelry. As for looking at women ... he isn't dead, he's married. I even point out the gorgeous women to my DH because I know that he appreciates the sight and also because he's getting a little slower to notice now!! When we are very young and feeling insecure, we NEED to have the whole world know that this is our man by wearing the ring, keeping the blinders on, etc. When we are very secure in our relationships, these things don't matter that much. You ask how can I be so sure about DH?? We are together 24/7. Own our own business and work together. I would be more concerned about why your sister suspects that something is going on... not the outer things that worry her, but there is something deeper that has undermined her confidence in their relationship. Anyone that has a marriage of many years knows that relationships can become stagnant. You've got to shake it up a bit with some razzle dazzle. Its sometimes easy to become complacent with yourself. I have a friend that has worn the same hairdo since the day her first child was born 20 years ago and I could swear she wears the same clothes. Maybe your sister isn't feeling good about herself. Maybe there is more that she isn't telling you ... or maybe her sixth sense is telling her something that isn't obvious to the outside world. Valentine's Day is coming - great chance for a romantic get-away! DH and I do it all the time - we just stay home to do it!!! As soon as the kids get on the bus, DH cracks open a bottle of wine while I start a nice long luxurious bath ..... its not just a great chance to connect physically - but a chance to rekindle those feelings of emotional intimacy. This world is always tugging at our lives. WE have to take it back!!! Let our souls reconnect!!!

    Bookmark   February 12, 2002 at 5:11AM
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i agree with the above post my husband of 2 years dont wear a wedding band cause of his job he dont even have one we didnt buy him one cause we knew he wouldnt wear it.Sometimes when we are out women come on to him and he is always polite to them and will talk to them and that is fine with me cause i KNOW that he wont cheat on me (i trust him totally)and besides im flattered that women find him attractive cause i know he is coming home with me. however my ex never took his off and he would bring his girlfriends home to our bed (i know cause i caught him twice) i put up with the cheating because if he was with them he wasnt home beating on me but yet he loved me (he said so... right) bill my new hubby dont tell me that often but shows it many times a day in lots of different ways so unless she has something to go on to suspect him of doing something wrong i would say a nice getaway for just the two of em to get back in the groove of things. hope it works out for her

    Bookmark   February 12, 2002 at 8:07AM
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First off my DH of 25 1/2 yrs. doesn't wear his ring and neither do I but that doesn't mean either one of us is cheating, also my DH checks out other women to but he always turns his attention back to me. It is very natural to check out the opposite sex. Its nothing wrong with looking at the merchandise as long as you are faithful to your spouse by not straying. To me if I was your sister after being married 31 yrs. I would trust that he is being faithful unless she has very concrete evidence that he has cheated on her then I wouldn't worry so much.

    Bookmark   February 12, 2002 at 10:45AM
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i dont know, i always tell my wife i love her, i always wear my ring, i would never cheat, trust is everything! and i always check out a good looking woman, just because iam on a diet , dosent mean i cant look at the menu.

    Bookmark   February 13, 2002 at 5:23AM
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I think you're both reading way too much into it, and making assumptions (and we all know what happens when we assume). :-)

Walls go up faster than you can say 'divorce court' when there is no communication and people jump to conclusions. (by communicating, I don't mean seeing a cheating couple on TV, and saying what would you do if that were us. That conversation is doomed from the start - kind of like saying, 'do these pants make me look fat', or 'if I die will you remarry...').

The ring thing has nothing to do with the TV thing IMHO. Sometime, when they are having dinner together, she should say (in a nice way and unsarcastic), "Honey, I was wondering why you don't wear the wedding ring." (and don't 'read' anything into his answers, don't look to jump on him and get mad. Simply communicate about it!!!) He might have some good reason like the hubbies mentioned above.

The comment about the marriage certificate could have been his way of saying something nice, that came out the wrong way. Goodness knows, my DH can have a funny way of making a backhanded compliment and I'm standing there going, was I just insulted or complimented?

After 31 years, there may have been some small, nitpicky thing (could be the new ring) that has been eating away, causing her to draw conclusions that may not (or may) be true. I know there have been times that DH has a chip on his shoulder for days and won't tell me what's eating him. Then I'll finally get to the crux of it, and it would be some little thing that happened weeks ago!

    Bookmark   February 13, 2002 at 8:19AM
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I think if he used to wear a wedding band and now all of a sudden he doesn't want too it may be a mistress lurking around the corner.
HECK, call cheaters they will find out everything you need to know, just be willing to deal with the outcome as you have been married a very long time.
If he's checking out other women when he's with you he is wrong for that if he is disrespecting you.
If you are on a diet you have no business looking at what you can't have.

    Bookmark   January 21, 2006 at 5:20AM
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