Needing some female advice

mrmarqueeFebruary 2, 2006

Ladies,

I am in dire need of advice. I have been married to a wonderful woman for a year and a half. We are both very young (23 and 21) but already a beautiful home and great careers. I think we made a huge mistake. I think we were so caught up in trying to grow up so fast that we rushed into this. I really love my wife, but not as a life long partner. Shes my bestfriend, but not a lover. We do have issues... I cant stand her family, they dont care for me, intimacy, Im very busy with my career, etc. Fortunetly, we have no children. In fact, I dont think Id ever want children with my wife...ever. I just dont have that connection with her. How can I tell someone that I really do care about, and love with all my heart, that this isnt going to work? I dont want to be hurtful, but Im affraid no matter how I do this, its going to be. Its not a matter of another woman, its a matter of this marriage not feeling right. We were young and made a mistake. I dont want to live my life settling for the now. Please help.

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texasgirl54

You should talk to her. Maybe she feel the same way?
Talk to her carefully and listen what she has to say.

    Bookmark   February 2, 2006 at 9:06PM
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happyhanna

I agree....talk to her. I mean if you are "best friends" then as you already know..."best friends" sometimes tell each other what they already know, just in a way that makes it clear.

As far as the family...that is usually the first lesson learned in any marriage...you don't only marry the spouse, you get the family too altho there are exceptions.

How you tell her is with honesty and love, be gentle, but chances are she already knows this too and is just waiting to see if you will make the move.

Best of luck to you, keep us posted.
Deb

    Bookmark   February 3, 2006 at 1:47AM
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over_n_under

I understand not wanting to continue in a relationship that isn't everything you want it to be. But are you giving the marriage (and her) a fair chance at it all? I don't advocate staying in a marriage that won't work. But I also don't advocate just giving up because there must be something better around the corner. It sounds to me like you have already given up without giving it a chance. "I think we were so caught up in trying to grow up so fast that we rushed into this." Maybe you did rush into it. So do you really need to rush out of it?

I think you need to take a serious look at what you expect a marriage to be. You say "its a matter of this marriage not feeling right." So what would make it feel right? And are those expectations reasonable?

As for the in-laws - I wouldn't rate that part as being too high on the list of "must-haves". Sure it's great to have a good relationship with your in-laws, but not necessary. I think there is a good reason why there are so many in-law stories - it is hard to suddenly become a part of someone else's family. They probably don't think you're good enough for her. Just think of that point this way - they are merely trying to protect her because they love her - and they just don't have the capacity to do it in a civil way.

    Bookmark   February 3, 2006 at 8:41AM
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rosewood42

WOW! There's no easy way to tell her something like "I married you but now i want out". All i can say is i'm glad i'm not in her shoes, if she doesn't feel the same way she will be devastated. Definitely tell her because she may be planning a family with you and you said you definitely don't want to have kids with her or even see her as your soulmate, yet you married her. I pray she does not log on here and read your post. I'm wondering what were you thinking when you asked her to marry you? Yes you both are still very young so she can recover from this I hope and move on with her life. Personally I think you did get married too young because at your age you are just learning about life and relationships. Did you guys date at all? You also said that you are settling for the now. You definitely are going to break her heart if she doesn't feel the same as you do and I'm sure she may be thinking everything is ok but you need to be honest and sit down with her and tell her how you are feeling. I'm wondering if the strain and pressure of disliking her family has anything to do with how you are feeling? I wish you well and let us know what happened.

    Bookmark   February 4, 2006 at 2:54AM
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good36

I just went through this with my niece and her husband. They are best friends but not intimate. They are now separated. The one question I asked them was..... What if you saw your spouse with another women/man... would you be upset? Neither one said they would be. They acually thought it would nice for the other to find someone else. To me that says alot. They truly love each other, but like best friends.
Just a thought
judy

    Bookmark   February 4, 2006 at 2:32PM
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winter_unfazed

*They truly love each other, but like best friends*

Well gee, isn't that better than not loving each other at all? Their "problem" is laughable when compared to millions of other married people who wish that was their only problem!

It sounds like a situation of over-expectations about marriage. Someone who expects a good marriage to be a flippin'-upside-down, whirl-me-'round vertigo of romantic feelings. Also, if they aren't very motivated in life generally, then this dissatisfaction could be a facet of that. I always find it preposterously amusing when someone is "worried" about a marriage, especially a new marriage, because it "just seems like a friendship" (I once heard someone call in a radio advice show because her daughter was marrying someone and it seemed like, as the mother put it, a brother-sister relationship). Ironically, those often end up being the ones that last, because they are based on something deeper than fleeting fireworks of impassioned emotion.

    Bookmark   February 5, 2006 at 9:38AM
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Not4Ever

Go see the movie Match Point, it could help you decide :)

    Bookmark   February 7, 2006 at 5:39PM
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TypoQueen

you need to ask yourself:

what did my marriage vows mean?

am i being chidish now?

    Bookmark   February 11, 2006 at 9:50PM
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gurley157fs

First of all I want you to realize I'm not attacking you here. You seem to be earnest in your desire not to hurt her.

If you are the only one who feels this way then there is no easy way to do it. She will be devastated. If you truly don't love her and don't want a family with her then you cannot continue on. Resentment will build and eventually you will both be unhappy.

So you can expect that she is going to be hurt.
Do you also expect her to give up the home that you have built together? Are you going to expect her to divide up the property? If she loves you, married you, took the vows that promised you her heart and her life....
then it is only fair that you walk away empty handed and leave her home intact at least.

    Bookmark   February 13, 2006 at 8:57PM
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gurley157fs

P.S. Oh by the way. If you do walk away from this marraige - do you plan to come back if you change your mind?

What if you go out there in search of the 'love-of-your-life' and find out you left her at home? Will you go back and turn her world upside down again? Or will you simply realize that you made a terrible mistake and will just have to live with it?

    Bookmark   February 13, 2006 at 9:01PM
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moncurlady

I think it would be kinder at the moment to suggest a separation. Tell her you are just not feeling right about things in your lives, and need a little space to figure it out. Perhaps she feels the same way.

This will give you time to reassure yourself that you're doing the right thing, and your feelings about her are correct.

    Bookmark   March 7, 2006 at 12:56AM
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Vickey__MN

You don't mention how long you've been together, so that doesn't help, the reason I mention it is because there are things people "don't tell you".

There is something called a 3 year itch. It is similiar to the 7 year itch (Which is VERY REAL). You are tired of compromises, and wonder if you've made a mistake. Many marriages go through that. WHy do some make and some don't. Is it some couples LOVE each other more? Maybe, I personally think some people are more stubborn and WORK at it. Marriage isn't easy, and it is harder some years that others (yes even when you've been married a long time..it's been over 20 for us, and some years have been a b!tch). If you love her with all your heart, why do you feel you've settled? Truely feels like a 3 year itch. Read up on 7 year itch, and apply to 3 years, you'll be amazed.

Vickey-MN (Married at age 23 by the way, regretted it at times, still do at times, but love my husband..and maybe regret isn't the right word, just wish it was easier or easy all the time is more the case)

    Bookmark   March 9, 2006 at 8:27AM
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lynne_melb

As someone else mentioned, families are often a problem.

Please try some marriage counseling - it may help with the other issues. I know a number of couples where it really helped. Even if the counseling does not help, you will know that you tried your best. You really owe it to yourself and to her. Good luck.

    Bookmark   March 11, 2006 at 9:42PM
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jcs7

Counseling, read books on marriage, and whatever you do - do not have children unless you and your wife have several honest conversations about your future together, or apart.
Good luck.

My sister often points out, "No one really understands what they are getting into when they 'promise to love and honor all the days of their lives.'"
So, it's pretty amazing and inspiring when I meet people (like my parents...) who have kept their promise for sooooo long, They just celebrated 50 years. My mom said, " Yeah, it's been 25 good years."

    Bookmark   March 13, 2006 at 12:12PM
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popi_gw

You seem to have made up your mind.

You must deal with the situation. Make "I" statements.

Hurt feelings will consume you both, but better to sort it out now, than later, with children etc.

    Bookmark   June 12, 2006 at 11:21PM
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tuanh

"family problem!" i am about to marry and now just realized how my family is "over-protected", Mom and sis- tell me i need to get prenuture agreement (to any girl that i am marry to not just this one!) before say "i do". I don't know if they are trying to help or ruin my marriage but i know my wife gona have tought time to deal with the "inlaw!"

    Bookmark   June 17, 2006 at 3:50PM
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victoria1

You are feeling trapped it sounds like, because you grew up too fast and feel like you missed out on something, someone. Did it feel right when you married her? Once married, it is no longer about just you. Marriage is a bond not to be broken for reasons such as having a fickle period. Love, devotion, friendship....all those are bonds that will make a marriage work, not just intimacy and wanting children. Either you love her and want her, or you dont. I think the two of you need to reconnect on an intimate level....do something new and refreshing to fulfill what you are missing. Dont worry about the family....if the two of you love eachother, they will learn to accept you as a part of her and vice versa.

    Bookmark   June 29, 2006 at 10:17AM
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victoria1

You are feeling trapped it sounds like, because you grew up too fast and feel like you missed out on something, someone. Did it feel right when you married her? Once married, it is no longer about just you. Marriage is a bond not to be broken for reasons such as having a fickle period. Love, devotion, friendship....all those are bonds that will make a marriage work, not just intimacy and wanting children. Either you love her and want her, or you dont. I think the two of you need to reconnect on an intimate level....do something new and refreshing to fulfill what you are missing. Dont worry about the family....if the two of you love eachother, they will learn to accept you as a part of her and vice versa.

    Bookmark   June 29, 2006 at 11:25AM
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postum

It's 5 months since you posted and I am wondering how you have worked things out.

When I was young I found that a lot of men felt that they were no longer "in love" because they didn't feel that crazy lust that happens at the beginning of a relationship. Books and movies lead us to believe that these intense sexual and romantic feelings should last forever. I have never known a case in real life where they do.

When you're older you'll probably be happy to be in a relationship that is founded on love, trust, and friendship - as your marriage is now. I've heard a lot of men say "I don't know why I left her; she was the best thing that ever happened to me." I hope this doesn't happen to you.

    Bookmark   July 10, 2006 at 12:37PM
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