Abusive/jealous Husband

wornout25February 23, 2012

We have been having trouble for several years. Recently, it has been really bad to the point where I have divorce papers, unsigned, in my room. (we are living in separate rooms) A couple weeks ago, my mother-in-law named his treatment of my as abusive: verbal, emotional, and physical. I know that's a strong word and thats probably why for years, I was never the one to say it. I don't end up with broken bones or black eyes, so I refused to truly believe that I was in that situation. Unfortunately, I know I am. He has called me every name under the sun from stupid to all kinds of curse words. He screams at the top of his lungs, literally inches from my face. He has broken at least 4 pieces of furniture and put holes in the dry wall. He broke his own hand on the door and dented a car with his knuckles. He never punches or slaps me, but he does shove me. I have had 2 falls from the shoves and bruising from being pushed out of bed. He threw our truck keys at me and they scratched my face. He has told me that I'm fat (5'7", 125 lbs), lazy, a horrible wife, etc. Its exhausting. After a particularly awful fight 3 weeks ago, he moved the furniture and banned me to an air mattress in the office. He also "suggested" very loudly that I get the divorce papers. He even checked on me and became more violent when I had not gotten them.

Through all of this, I came to peace with my situation and impending single life. I was ok with being on my own and even looking forward to the peace an quiet. I looked at it as an opportunity to be with someone who doesn't think I'm such a failure... ME! Unfortunately, I was not yet as strong as I thought I was and when he came to me last week telling me what a jerk he had been and that he knew he was wrong and would work on himself, I resisted for a couple days and then I believed him and started the painful process of trying again. One week, 3 ridiculous fights: 1 - its weird that I drink out of a straw; 2 - its weird that I turn my clothes inside out when I take them off and put them in the laundry basket; 3 - he's jealous of my success and swears I did nothing to earn it (ok, the 3rd one isn't ridiculous, its def more serious)

I don't have much more to give. I'm broken and battered and he swears I dont show him I love him. I am finding it more difficult to do that with each passing day. I still love him and probably always will, but I am looking out for me now. I just cant open up the way he wants me to when I'm constantly on the defensive.

I've read that crazy highs and lows are normal for an abusive relationship, but when we are happy, we are really happy. We have dreams. He is really close to accomplishing his major career dream. I don't want to lose the possibility of the happiness we share when everything clicks. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want him to lose sight or motivation of his dreams. At the same time, he has been telling me he's unhappy for years. I can't help but wonder if signing these papers will be better for both of us in the end. Maybe he'll grow up or find someone better suited for him or just be happier without me. I know I'll be happier without him. I just worry about him. I know it seems crazy. Believe me, I'm reading this too!

We've been married for 6 years, together for 8. I'm 25 yrs old, he's 26. And no, I didn't see this treatment before we got married, but it did start about 8 months after. However, I was 19 and now that I look back, I can see some definite signs. I was just too young to recognize them for what they were. We have no kids, but we have a dog and a cat who hide behind me when we fight. He gets mad and says that no one in the house likes him because they stay with me in my room. They love him, just not when he's scarey.

I was just wondering if anyone here has had similar experiences and had any suggestions. Also, this fight of the night is the jealousy and I have no clue how to respond. He's a smart, talented guy with a great career ahead of him, but when I tried to tell him that he got angry and said that I was trying to tell him what he was feel was wrong. We are military. He's been in 6 yrs and I've been in 2. He's enlisted, I'm commissioned. He's the one who encouraged me to go for the commission. If all goes well, he'll get his commission at the end of the year. But he's angry that (according to him), he has to work so hard while it was so easy for me. I don't appreciate all my years of hard work being disregarded, but I am trying to let that fly and do what I can to help. Unfortunately, I don't know what that is. It makes me wonder if all the verbal abuse is done in order to make him feel better about the job thing.

Sorry for the length, its been a long 6 years. I'm worn out and running out of options. Is there anything I can do about anything? I contacted the base chaplains today to set up some counseling, but I was wondering if anyone here could help me see things more clearly. I'm scared of ruining his life. I'm strong, so he can't ruin mine. I've kept on despite his issues. I'm just tired.

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popi_gw

The answer is simple.

Put it all behind you and move on with your life.
There is no happy future with a person who is abusive.

Ask yourself if you could stand by and watch him do, what you have discribed, to any children you might (foolishly) bring into the world ?

You have youth on your side - don't waste your youth on this person, who has caused you great harm.

    Bookmark   February 23, 2012 at 11:16PM
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scarlett2001

The man you are describing is mentally and/or emotionally ill. He's functioning, but nuttier than rat poop in a peanut factory.

    Bookmark   February 24, 2012 at 2:21AM
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colleenoz

I gotta tell you, if my husband "banned" me to an air mattress in the office I'd be moving into a hotel for as long as it took for me to get my own place and serve the divorce papers.
Your _mother-in-law_ calls him abusive. It must be BAD. Most mothers-in-law think the sun shines out of their boy's backside and the DIL is a witch. If yours thinks he is abusive, LISTEN TO HER. LEAVE. Don't waste another minute of your life waiting for some outside agency (like a commission) to magically make your husband happier. If he's not a happy person, he'll stay that way, just be an officer who's a jerk.
Of course he came to you all apologies and soft soap. He's realised you'll get half of everything and he wants it all. You'll just have a lull in proceedings and then he'll be back to the calling you names and hitting the wall phase. Only one day he won't hit the wall, he'll hit you.
Don't worry about "ruining his life". He's already made himself unhappy and you don't have the power to make him happier or unhappier. Even if you did, why is his happiness more important than yours? If his success has to be predicated on your putting up with his crap for the rest of your life, it is NOT WORTH IT.

    Bookmark   February 24, 2012 at 5:24AM
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mkroopy

"We have no kids"

That's all I needed to see.....you stay with a dude like this you are crazy, and you sort of lose your right to complain about it in the future....because it will never change. People don't one day wake up and say "wow I'm an a**hole, I better change".

No human being deserves to be treated like what you are describing. You are young, and not bound to this guy with kids.....you can simply remove yourself from his life and find happiness elsewhere. Good luck.

    Bookmark   February 24, 2012 at 10:54AM
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riograndegal

I would like for you to go back to your original post and read everything you wrote. Your answer is in there, but better yet, pretend someone else wrote it and what your advice to that person will be.

I was 16 when I married my first husband. He was 21 and he was imediatley verbally and physically abusive. I was at the point of committing suicide because I felt I had no way out. One day he hit me on the head and I tell you he hit me so hard, that I felt no pain, but can remember falling in slow motion. When I regained my consciousness, he was kicking me. I got up and fought back with everything I had in me and it startled him because he did not expect that. I left him that night and I never looked back. I was about 3 weeks pregnant and I did not know it at the time. I have had the most wonderful life with my present husband, I married him when I was 27 and has always seen my daughter from my previous marriage as his. We have been married for almost 23 years. My point is, if a 16 year old girl can toughen up and make a big girl decission, so can you at 25. You are young and don't let anybody steal the most precious thing you have,that being the rest of your life. Now go sign those divorce papers, and start living again.

    Bookmark   March 24, 2012 at 2:06AM
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gardenandcats

Soon if you don't get out he will be hitting you! Your young and have no children get out now!! You have all the time in the world to start a new life!

    Bookmark   April 1, 2012 at 11:49AM
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pekemom

That's no "marriage". Get out before it escalates any further..and it will.

    Bookmark   April 2, 2012 at 10:17PM
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lonely

you wil be doomed if you stay in that relationship. get out while there is still tym l almost committed suicide at one point in tym then l asked myself why should l suffer like this, why should l kill myself because of him? to hell with him.

    Bookmark   April 12, 2012 at 7:14AM
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silversword

Wornout, I'm 34 and have been with my husband for six years. I too have holes in my drywall. No physical violence at all, which is what made identifying it so very hard. I too worried about what would happen to him.

But who is worrying about you?

Get out, get on...

You are so young. Blessings to you, and I hope you stay strong. NO ONE should treat another person in this way. There is something wrong with him... don't make it your problem too.

Take care.

    Bookmark   April 20, 2012 at 1:07PM
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