need your help, please!! Am I in a bad marriage? (long)
Just wanted some outsiders help. Here is my problem. I am remarried for 4 1/2 years now. I have 2 boys from a previous marriage, 11 & 12 1/2 (I was married for 8 years before-he was mean and abusive-I left after I got a backbone and some confidence!) My current DH has never been married before, he is 40, I am 38. My DH lived single in a condo when I met him, he never had the responsibility or privilege of being a home owner.
I met my DH before I filed, I bought a house after my divorce and my DH and I dated. He hung around a , o much, while we dated, I asked him to back off and he said, "I hurt his feelings", so I let it go and I married him 2 years after my divorce. I felt like I loved him, but I wasn't totally in love, I just thought he'd grow on me. I guess I wasn't ready to get married again. Anyway, we never argued and always got along pretty well, until about 1 1/2 years ago. The biggest problems:
1. He smokes , when he has it, he can smoke it 3 times a day. I have asked him to stop, or at least cut down to only when the kids are at their Dad's house every other weekend, he refuses, states that I was aware of it when we met, so I have the problem. ALthough he told me he smoked weed, I had NO idea that it was to this extent. We are both, at least I am, Christians, he claims the bible says nothing bad about weed, I disagreed, we are to "treat our bodies like the temple of the Lord" - he is apparentely getting Jesus high on dope.
2. When he doesn't have weed, he is a VERY depressing, half-empty person and will have no energy or motivation to do a damn thing. He is a half-empty, depressed person with no energy anyway, so when he has a "dry spell" he is 100 times worse. He was never physically active and is a couch potato who loves to feel sorry for himself. I thought that I could turn him around when I married him, I am full of energy and rarely sit down, I am always doing something constructive or looking for something to keep me busy.
3. He has absolutely NO sense of responsibility for his obligations as a homeowner, husband or step-father. He has actually become my third child instead of my responsible, reliable DH. Maybe it is because the kids are not his, he used to be more involved with them, now he is just plain impatient and moody.
4. He is NOT a man of his word, if he promises to do something around the house, big or small, 9 times out of ten, he will not do it. His excuses: "I don't feel like it", "I don't feel good", etc.. He is also a hypochondriac, looking for an ailment (I am a nurse, he is ailing to the wrong person, lol!)
5. His memory is shot. When we have discussions/arguments about the problems in our marriage, he will not remember the details a week later. We had a big blow-out a few weeks ago and he wanted me to "refresh" his memory on what the final soloutions were, I refuse to refresh him memory anymore! Sometimes it is frustrating to talk with him, his attention span sucks and his memory!!
I feel like I am stuck in another rotten marriage, besides all the above, we have NOT had since September and he has NO libido. He rarely initiated it before, I always did, but I got sick of being the "man" in this relationship, I wanted him to wine and dine me, instead of me always taking care of him. I do everything around here, the bills, the maintenance, laundry, dinners, etc.. I have delegated things to him, but have to remember that he may give an excuse and not do it.
Should I give him an ultimative that if he doesn't get therapy, I will kick him out?
As a Christian, could I justify a divorce?
As you see, I am limited on who I can talk to since this involves . Interestingly enough, I did a research on use and depression and decreased libido on the internet this morning and is has my DH's symptoms ALL OVER it!!! Depression, getting mad over petty things, decreased libido, hypochondriac, decrease interest in everyday responsibilities, etc.. I couldn't believe it!! Hit the nail on the head!!
Please be frank with me, my DH and I are not trailer-trash, I am a college-educated nurse, he is a white-collar supervisor for an automotive company, we live in a middle-class area and are decent people. I am just embarrased that he has this problem, thanks for understanding and I look forward to hearing your advice.