HowtohandleFebruary 2, 2012

I forgot to mention . That when he has dreams about her he lets me know. Where her accident happen they set up lights their. So when he drives by the lights he will call me to tell me if they are bright or not bright. Im his wife now..Please dont think that I dont care because I do its just I here it so much that its hard to feel like his wife. He wont go see anyone because he doesnt feel there is a problem. He said I couldnt go because I only want to go so they will tell me what I want to here. Thats not it. I just want to know how to deal with him always bringing here up like im his friend and nt his wife..

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He doesn't get to decide for you whether or not you get to go for help...and you should tell him that. Therapy may help you to deal with him and his loss of his long time wife. You didn't ask but in my opinion you married to soon. He is not over his wife. Therapy may help him with his grieving for her. But like I said go if you desire. He doesn't get to decide for you. NancyLouise

    Bookmark   February 2, 2012 at 7:57PM
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I can understand you problem.

I think you would benefit from counselling, as it would help you to deal with your situation. Give you tips on what to say to your husband.

He is clearly not behaving in a manner that is respectful to you. Of course you are sympathetic to his loss, but he needs to move on and make a future with you. His continual referal to the past is not helpful in your marriage.

He may feel that to not talk about his wife, will diminish her memory. He is still grieving, in my opinion. To take on a marriage when he is still grieving is not ideal.

Certainly go and talk to a counsellor. It is quite reasonable for you to say to your husband that YOU are having problems and need help.

Good luck with it all.

    Bookmark   February 2, 2012 at 8:26PM
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Agree,.. tell him that you would like to seek counseling, ...see what he's answer is, if he is willing to do it with you then all the better.

    Bookmark   February 2, 2012 at 10:02PM
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I would just tell him sraight,what you have told us.tell him you are tired of hearing about it.its not fair on you.

    Bookmark   February 3, 2012 at 2:29AM
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As the others have said, he doesn't get to decide whether you get counselling or not. If you thought you had a broken leg, would he get to decide if you see a doctor because he doesn't think it hurts that much? The counsellor may well tell you your husband seems to be still grieving for his first wife, but just because that may be what you want to hear doesn't make it untrue.
Clearly your husband isn't over the end of his first marriage if he needs to talk about it in front of you all the time. And that's hurtful to you, and insensitive of him. Frankly, I think you are getting a raw deal here.

    Bookmark   February 3, 2012 at 5:43AM
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Your husband is incredible insensitive to the point he is cruel. He does not allow you to see a counselor because "I only want to go so they will tell me what I want to hear", but he forces you to hear what you don't want to hear every single day.

He is self centered, is taking advantage of soft hearts of yours and others. People grieves in ones own way, but losing a spouse does not give him a license to dump his grief to people around him. No one is obligated to actively participate in his grieving. He needs to break the habit.

Of course you feel bitter. You are entitled to have a happy life instead of hearing stories about your husband's deceased ex spouse all the time.

You may not be able to change him, but you can change yourself. What is your expectation of your marriage? How do you want your husband to treat you? Where would you draw the boundary, emotionally and financially, between you and your husband? What would you do if your marriage does not meet your expectation? What course of action do you want to take if your husband is not treating you the way you desire?

    Bookmark   February 4, 2012 at 6:39AM
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I dont want to hurt my husband thats the most importaint thing. I feel he has had enough hurt already. My expectation of a marriage is to be their for my husband good or bad. To try and bring him happyness and a smile to his face and to want him to see that even through he has had a deep loss that life is still worth living. I try to do everything I can to be a good wife because I love him.
I would love for my husband to make me feel like I am his wife that every once in awhile he would like to take me to dinner. My husband has a very good heart. I feel like an idiot because as im trying to answer the things you have asked im crying. I do love him so very much I have tryed all I can to make him happy. He said he was ready to start over. In my heart I look at everyday as a new day. I want my marriage to have more laffter in it. I want him to apperate me to make me feel I am someone that he is happy to have here. When I met him I feel like I had died and went to heaven silly isnt it. I have never told him to please stop talking so much about the things he does because that would be like trying to make him forget about his memories he has a right to them. And I been reading on grief and it says they need to talk so they can heal so I let him talk.As far as being able to sit down and talk about this he is not the type of person to do that. He wasnt like that when we were dating we would talk for hours he was so funny when I met him and his smile it was worth a million and we would do things together. I remember thinking if God had made more men like him every woman on earth would be so happy. Emotionally I have been crying alot because I want to feel his love he says he loves me and his friends tell me he loves me but I want to feel it . Financially my husband is ok I help him with his Company like paper work and faxing and doing all the erands but with the ecomony things are slow I have tryed to find a job but their is nothing I dont really have to work is what he tells me. Divorce is not an option for me I think if you love someone you give it your all through the good and bad and pray that one day it will all come together. I would love to be able to sit down and tell my husband how I feel to tell him that every once in awhile if he could make me feel like i am special to him that he married me because he loved me for who I am and not because he didnt want to be alone.

    Bookmark   February 4, 2012 at 10:58AM
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Sorry Howtohandle, your husband is not the only one in this "marriage", and I put that word in quotes because imo what you have is not a marriage. Hubby's feelings are not the only ones to consider. Hubby's opinion is not the only one to be considered. His hurtful words to you are not loving nor are his actions. He knows that they are hurting you and he does nothing to stop or change his behavior. He doesn't care to. I wouldn't stay in a marriage were one person gets everything and the other get nothing. But evidently you believe differently. Get counseling for yourself even if he chooses not to. I wish the best for you I really do. I just don't think it will be with this man. NancyLouise

    Bookmark   February 4, 2012 at 4:45PM
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Howtohandle, marriage is a two way street. I hear you say how you do all these things to make your husband happy and he does nothing to make you happy, in fact what he does makes you unhappy.
I don't think he was honest with you or himself when he told you he was ready to move on. If he was then he wouldn't be making his first wife's death such a prominent topic of conversation. He would mention things from time to time as one does, but not constantly. Asking him not to talk so much about his previous marriage isn't denying his right to his memories. What he is signalling is that his first wife's death is still uppermost in his mind, not his being married to you. You are being shortchanged.
"I would love to be able to sit down and tell my husband how I feel to tell him that every once in awhile if he could make me feel like i am special to him that he married me because he loved me for who I am and not because he didnt want to be alone." That's EXACTLY what you should be doing. If he can't respond favourably to such a minimal request then I really don't know why you would stay.

    Bookmark   February 5, 2012 at 3:13AM
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You believe as long as you love him, selflessly give him all you have, deprive and sacrifice yourself, until the end of the world, eventually you would be rewarded with his love. Will things really work this way? If a person loves you, would he put you in situations like this? If he is not fair and does not care about you, would he be indifferent no matter what you do?

You are not responsible for your husband's happiness, no one can put smile on another person's face except himself/herself. Each person is responsible for his/her own well being. In fact, I believe before and after committing to a relationship, to be able to give and receive, each person needs to be healthy, balanced, self-sufficient, and to be entirely happy with himself/herself. Relationship does not make a person, it makes a person's life more satisfied.

I don't understand what makes you think one should continuously talking about a deceased person in order to preserve the memory? Are you making excuses for him? Isn't it true once an event occurred, it became a memory? In this case, even if the memory is lost, so what? What harm would it do to the deceased person? If the living one could not remember, what damages would it make?

Same as love, you don't need to say it all the time. It shows in little actions, cares..etc. It is like sun rays shine on a person, your feel it. Chance is if you have to ask if it is there, it is not.

You said he is hurting, it is true. Yet there are lots that hurt worse than losing a spouse. Ask Stephen Hawking what is like to live his life. Ask parents who lost a child, ask scientists who realized they were on the wrong paths after spending decades of effort. Dragging people down with ones grief is no healing. What you described he is half living in the tomb of his deceased wife and cannot, does not want to get out. It is up to you if you want to go along.

You don't want to hurt your husband, but it seems he has been hurting you with no mercy. If he knows it hurts you but he is still doing it, do you think he loves you? If he does not know it hurts you even after you have told him, do you think he deserves your love? What he has done to you does not sound like a man with good heart, let alone a loving husband.

Apparently you believe "marriage til death do us part", as most of us do. But it never says one should stay in a marriage regardless. If one spouse abuses, or tries to kill the other one; does the receiving spouse still need to stay? Marriage takes work, "til death do us part" means you are committed to work together to make your marriage work. It takes two to have a marriage. What has your husband done to make this marriage work?

Why your husband is doing what he is doing is his problem. The bigger issue you are facing is you really need to take care of yourself. Get counseling should help you to find out what exactly you want, what you need, should do.

    Bookmark   February 5, 2012 at 3:10PM
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"...he doesnt feel there is a problem. "

Still doing this stuff after five years....four of them married to you? Oh, yeah, there's a problem. Anyone with any sense would tell him so if he would hear it. And I agree with others that it's his problem, not yours, to deal with. People grieve differently but what you've described is ridiculous. I think you've been patient long enough. Lay it out for him. Personally, I'd suggest an ultimatum. He's not healthy. He needs to pay attention to it. If he refuses to move ahead, I'd pack your bags.

Also curious about what "paper work" might remain five years after the death.

    Bookmark   February 5, 2012 at 4:44PM
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Ah...forgot to notice the bit about lights set up at the accident scene.

After five years, this is sickness. Calling your attention to it every time you drive by it is practically sadistic. The man has serious issues. He's embraced his grief to the degree that he regards it as "sharing". This is really bad news.

    Bookmark   February 5, 2012 at 4:55PM
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"I would love to be able to sit down and tell my husband how I feel to tell him that every once in awhile if he could make me feel like i am special to him that he married me because he loved me for who I am and not because he didnt want to be alone."

...and why can't you do this ?

    Bookmark   February 5, 2012 at 5:56PM
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Sooo howtohandle, have you been thinking about what advice we all have been giving you? Do you think you can grow a backbone and take a stand for yourself? NancyLouise

    Bookmark   February 5, 2012 at 6:54PM
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good advice everywhere, but especially what asolo said.

This isn't grief;
your husband is using "grief" to make you miserable, to grind your nose into the perfection of his previous marriage, & he pretty much says that your unhappiness is your own fault & your own inadequacy ("I don't have a problem & you can't get help with yours" is not only cruel; its result is that you become more isolated & more vulnerable to his sadistic nonsense).

That's abuse.

Get outta there.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   February 7, 2012 at 3:30PM
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I understand that you desperately want this marriage to work. But marriage must be a mutual commitment. In that respect, it sounds like you're married to him and he's married to his first wife.

Think. If marriage is 'till death, do you really want to die twenty years from now never having moved one bit from the spot you're currently in?

That doesn't necessarily mean divorce. Divorce is the last resort, not the first. But it's appropropriate to tell him you need something that demonstrates movement, no matter how small, that gets you both to a better place.

Otherwise you need to consider if that tiny bit of good is sufficient to compensate for a joyless neglected existence as an afterthought in your husband's life. That truly is cruelty.

If he and his wife were involved in a fatal accident, it may not just be grief. It may be PTSD and that would definitely require some treatment. He is probably also depressed.

Could a doctor's appointment be scheduled? Before he goes, call the doctor and tell him what you're observing. He may be able to get some traction where you can't.

I agree with other posters that regardless of your husband's choices, you should get counseling for yourself. In counseling you can get skilled help and strategies to deal with this most difficult marriage.

You sound like such a decent and loving woman. You definitely deserve better than what you're getting.

    Bookmark   February 8, 2012 at 5:22AM
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So howtohandle, have you been mulling over what you will be doing with your husband and "marriage"? Lots of great advice here. Did you take any of it? NancyLouise

    Bookmark   February 18, 2012 at 7:25AM
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I think you should read (or see the movie) "Rebecca" by Daphne DuMarier.

    Bookmark   February 19, 2012 at 10:59PM
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