Trouble Instigating Sex

SaintRuthieFebruary 27, 2011

Hi. I'm 28, female, and have been married almost 2 years. My husband and I have been together about 6 years, and were close friends for about 5 years before that. We get along just fine, although we are both stubborn and of course we argue over things occasionally.

Lately our biggest arguments have all been about me. I have serious self confidence issues, as well as some past nightmarish relationships that have greatly impeded what little self confidence I had. My husband is quite confident in himself, he knows who he is and what he wants from life and has no trouble going for something when he wants it. I am shy and quiet and fear new things, and my self confidence is so low that I rarely even set goals. But let's get to the real issue of this post.

I NEVER instigate sex. Ever. I can think about it all day long, and want it so bad I can taste it. I cannot, however, express the need for it. I also have a HUGE problem even showing affection, despite a very deep love I feel for my husband. We decided a few months ago to try to start a family. Of course, in order to do that you have to have sex. Since I don't instigate it or even so much as say "hey, lets go make a baby" my husband has always been the one to start anything. It's gotten to the point to where it's a chore for him, even though he is attracted to me he's sick of always having to be the one to say anything or do anything. Even when we get into bed I am so petrified of doing something wrong or being rejected in ANY way that I hardly participate. I also have (as stated above) some things from my past..the images of which tend to pop into my head sometimes, even if I so much as think about sex. It's become a very serious issue in our relationship. Despite that we both love each other very, very much, my husband is doing all the work physically. I can't even hug him or hold his hand without the fear of rejection in any way. Recently we've discussed me seeking professional help (and obviously I need it) but I am wondering if any of you have ANY suggestions that I could use to show him that I love him and I am attracted to him and I definitely want to touch him. I don't want our marriage to fall apart because of this, and that is the main reason I've decided to get professional help. I think anything could help at this point.

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Professional help will help you.

You just have to work on overcoming your intimacy issues.

I think it would be wise to put any baby plans on the back burner at this point until your have resolved your current problems.

If your find it difficult relating to your husband on a loving level, then a baby would demand that level of attention, also.

You will get there, go and get professional help today.

    Bookmark   February 27, 2011 at 6:58PM
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What happened to make you feel you'd be rejected? That's what needs to be resolved.

Start by communicating with your DH. DO NOT HAVE A BABY YET!!! You need to figure this out before you bring a demanding, dependent into your life. Babies are great but your life will never be the same again.

    Bookmark   March 2, 2011 at 12:47PM
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Ditto with silverwood!

Are you willing to write down your sexual thoughts and feelings and have your DH read when you're not around. Putting pen-to-paper can be very helpful for you - vulnerable but not having to face a PRECEIVED rejection and quite the turn on for him. You will be taking baby steps towards vulnerability and this would provide him with messages of your desire for him.

    Bookmark   March 3, 2011 at 2:15PM
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We had a long talk the other night and have decided to hold off on starting a family until I get help with these issues. I really appreciate the input, everyone!
I had not thought about writing my thoughts down...that's a great idea! I have a much easier time expressing myself on paper than vocally, and I think you're right - it would definitely be easier on me as far as the "perceived" rejection. That's what it is, and I know it.

To answer silversword:
The rejection stems from a sexually/emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend and a very bad home life as a parents ignored me most of the time - my father refused to speak to me as a teenager until I was 23yrs. old because he thought I was "too strange" and my mother was disappointed in me for not being "as good as your little sister". Rejection is something I have struggled with for longer than I can remember. Luckily, I have a VERY supportive and understanding husband who's willing to go far out of his way to help me work through all these issues. It helps that he "knew what he was getting into" before we got together. He's always been there for me, and it's very difficult for the both of us that all these things I've never dealt with properly are causing issues with our relationship, despite none of the problems being with the relationship itself. He has never rejected me, but the overwhelming fear of it happening has caused me to give up on trying. But, as I said before, I am now seeking help for all of this.

Thanks to all of you again for your input. I hadn't even thought about the damaging effects my problems would have had on a child or how demanding it would have been. I just had that nagging voice in my head saying "you need to have a baby", and my husband was very excited about the idea. Obviously we should have put much more thought into it. It's something we still very much want to do, but it will have to wait until I'm able to devote myself fully to someone so dependent as a baby would be instead of still having all this inside me to come out at the worst time, to have it distract me from the responsibility needed to properly raise a child. I will have to keep hitting "snooze" on the biological clock for now, and I am willing to accept that it may be a few years before it's safe for me to let it ring.

Thanks again.

    Bookmark   March 4, 2011 at 9:46PM
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I had the same problem for a long time and for similar reasons. What helped me was taking time every day to think of positive things about myself and to force myself to do things that I wouldn't normally do. If I was sitting beside my honey on the couch, I would reach out and touch his hand even if I was convinced that he would pull it away or snuggle up to him even when every bone in my body told me that he would move or something. He never did and gradually I was able to do other things.

    Bookmark   March 4, 2011 at 11:56PM
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I don't think you realize how wise and mature you really are. Even after coming out of a home that was less then supportive, you found a husband that was a good man. Just by that choice alone, you have set your new family up for a positive outcome instead of prolonging the abuse another generation.

I affirmed Silverwood's suggestion of postponing starting a family, not so much because I don't think you would be a wonderful mother but more so because I know how demanding having a child can be. That first year is full of transitioning into being a full family instead of just being a couple. You owe yourself, your husband and your child the time to heal your hurt. It will enrich your family forever. You sound like not only a wonderful wife but a wonderful person. Good luck.

    Bookmark   March 6, 2011 at 9:51PM
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You sound like you have a really lovely husband and all credit to you for recognising that in him.

You do sound very sensible, with your determination to become the person you have inside you, you have the foundation for a happy home life.

Your parents are a real worry, unfortunately their model of parenting is not what you want to emulate, so be mindful of that when you do have children.

I wish you well, be good to yourself and your life will blossom.

    Bookmark   March 7, 2011 at 1:30AM
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I agree with everyone above. Identifying WHY you are feeling the potential for rejection is so important.

Work with your (what sounds to be a very loving husband) and maybe, if you can verbalize, start small with little noises (um... um-humm) when he touches you and you think 'hey, maybe this is leading up to something'. That's giving him encouragement. Start reaching out a little more each time, and participating with a little more energy. When you see him responding positively I think it will be easier for you to drop the fear and be a little more comfortable.

You could also work on secret signals. Sometime when you are feeling very safe with him you can work out a signal... like, that a foot rub is a good precursor to sex. Or that when you are about to get in the shower, that's a good time to approach you. Or that when he ________ that usually makes you want to 'get busy'.

That way he will know for sure that you are initiating something even if you're not grabbing him and screaming 'take me now tiger' as you streak toward the bedroom.

If you can get very comfortable with him now you will be so much richer when you have your baby. Having a baby can do so many weird things with hormones (male and female) and can make a distant/confused/uncertain relationship worse. Sometimes irreparable. Believe me.

You seem to know yourself really well. Give your husband the opportunity to know you too. :) Someday you'll make a great mama.

    Bookmark   March 7, 2011 at 4:30PM
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