Trouble Instigating Sex
Hi. I'm 28, female, and have been married almost 2 years. My husband and I have been together about 6 years, and were close friends for about 5 years before that. We get along just fine, although we are both stubborn and of course we argue over things occasionally.
Lately our biggest arguments have all been about me. I have serious self confidence issues, as well as some past nightmarish relationships that have greatly impeded what little self confidence I had. My husband is quite confident in himself, he knows who he is and what he wants from life and has no trouble going for something when he wants it. I am shy and quiet and fear new things, and my self confidence is so low that I rarely even set goals. But let's get to the real issue of this post.
I NEVER instigate sex. Ever. I can think about it all day long, and want it so bad I can taste it. I cannot, however, express the need for it. I also have a HUGE problem even showing affection, despite a very deep love I feel for my husband. We decided a few months ago to try to start a family. Of course, in order to do that you have to have sex. Since I don't instigate it or even so much as say "hey, lets go make a baby" my husband has always been the one to start anything. It's gotten to the point to where it's a chore for him, even though he is attracted to me he's sick of always having to be the one to say anything or do anything. Even when we get into bed I am so petrified of doing something wrong or being rejected in ANY way that I hardly participate. I also have (as stated above) some things from my past..the images of which tend to pop into my head sometimes, even if I so much as think about sex. It's become a very serious issue in our relationship. Despite that we both love each other very, very much, my husband is doing all the work physically. I can't even hug him or hold his hand without the fear of rejection in any way. Recently we've discussed me seeking professional help (and obviously I need it) but I am wondering if any of you have ANY suggestions that I could use to show him that I love him and I am attracted to him and I definitely want to touch him. I don't want our marriage to fall apart because of this, and that is the main reason I've decided to get professional help. I think anything could help at this point.