Really confused

domyFebruary 19, 2008

Hi to all!

so, I'm 30, married for just over a year and already facing trouble...

Long story short, my wife and I had several months of really low intimacy due to a medical condition of hers; while it was hard for me at first, I understood it was nobody's fault and basically shut down my sexual drive. Now tough she's "back" again but I can't seem to "wake up"... She tries to be really sweet and sexy but I'm just not interested and now it's me coming up with excuses like I'm tired, I'm stressed, pretending to be asleep, etc... I know it will sound familiar to many out there, but this feels so upside down right now...

We don't have many fights and generally speaking have an open conversation; she asks me from time to time if there's anything wrong, but I really don't know what to say and so I blame the stress from work and money (cliché, I know).

These issues started around 2-3 months ago and, to make matters even worse, around 2 weeks ago I developed a crush for a co-worker bound to be married later this year; we are really good friends, so I told her how I felt and that I thought we shouldn't interact more than necessary as it is not fair for our partners (I have never ever cheated in my life). I didn't want her to think that me keeping the distance was for some weird reason. She basically said that it was fine with her, that it didn't bother her and that in the end it was up to me to decide. She also pointed out that she feels like a sister and nothing more.

So, in the end, I feel like I lost a great friend who made me feel alive and that I gained a friend at home where I'm supposed to have a wife... talk about being messed up...

Talking to my wife about my crush seems kind off pointless as nothing "wrong" happened...

Anyways, any ideas/suggestions?


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I agree about not mentioning the 'crush' since you handled it appropriately by stifling it.

But on the lack of desire, I think you need to be honest with her. Right now, you're evading, dodging and lying -- and she knows it, and that lack of honesty is going to put a wall back up on her side. A woman needs emotional intimacy to have physical intimacy, and honesty and trust are needed for that emotional intimacy. So be honest.

Tell her you love her, that you've become 'disconnected' and that you want to reconnect. Then explore some new ways to rekindle the fire. Start slow, and rebuild the closeness before going for full-out sex.

    Bookmark   February 19, 2008 at 7:17PM
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Supporting a spouse through any illness is emotionally taxing, and your other relationships are what help keep you happy, sane and your head above the water during the time your needs are not being met. I mean you can talk about all of your issues and have these friends be there for you when your ill spouse can't give that.

I agree with sweeby, you handled the crush appropiately and not tellling your wife was a good decision, but is your friendship with your wife as current as your friendship with your crush. You do need to reconnect and you can start by simply befriending your wife.

She obviously doesn't feel the distance, because you have been there for her, give her a chance to be there for you now.

My advice, become friends again, and you can easily start by doing some of the stuff that you used to love doing together, but that her illness put a damper on.

The fun is also an easy opener for talking about your deeper feelings, make it as easy as possible when you tell her how you feel.

As a woman, I don't want to hear that my husband is having trouble connecting with me sexually when I just recovered and am willing, I would think that he should have been awaiting my ability to return to our sex life, as I am ready to continue in our life as it was before. So have a few suggestions ready as to how you want to solve the problem, really making it clear that you want to solve the problem.

    Bookmark   February 19, 2008 at 10:06PM
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I hate to be blunt here, but your wife was sick... According to you, she was having medical problems, NOT avoiding your love. You on the other hand, was getting closer to another woman at this time, and now you're saying that you don't feel romantic, or attracted to your own wife?

I'm sorry, but rejection or not, you should be ashamed of yourself, and to hold back from your wife is wrong, just plain wrong.

In the first place, you should be honest with her, and let her know what's happened. She has a right to know in my opinion. If nothing happened, then you should realize that you would of made the biggest mistake of your life, and be grateful nothing did happen.
In the second place, it's not "her" fault, and you shouldn't punish her for your depression. ( and trust me, you 'are' depressed)

Build your marriage back, and forget this ow. You shouldn't be friends with her to begin with, because of all you've felt, and because it's just gonna go nowhere but downhill.

I'm sorry, but I find this really sad. I do not think anyone should withhold sex, or love from their partner unless they are ill. Other reasons are selfish, and just plain mental cruelty in my eyes. You and your wife are one, and what you do affects her, and visa versa... So quit feeling sorry for yourself, and give your wife the intimacy she deserves as your spouse. The feelings "will" return if you really want them to...

    Bookmark   February 22, 2008 at 1:19AM
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I agree with Vicki who said you should "build your marriage back". You're way ahead of the game to have a friendship with your wife. That's a wonderful starting place.

I was married for 20+ years and every marriage and every relationship has its seasons; spring times, summer times and winter times. Don't ditch the marriage just because you went through a single winter time. Spring's just around the corner.


    Bookmark   February 22, 2008 at 9:17AM
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Wow, wow.... easy there...
As I said, my avoiding intimacy with my wife started (2-3 months ago) well before I started frequenting my friend (2 weeks ago), so that's not related. Actually I started getting closer to my friend _after_ my wife was sexy again with me. I was right next to her all the time she was ill. Also the friendship with the ow never went past talking and jocking.

Anyway, short update on the issues: my wife definitely sensed something's off, we are talking a lot about the situation of low intimacy and she has been very gentle and understanding, I'm really blessed to be with her. We are taking baby steps and building the connection back to where it was before.
With my friend I basically don't talk anymore besides the occasional "good morning"; it feels really, really awkward... I mean, from really good friends to strangers...? Oh well, that's life I guess and I think I'll take this as some sort of test & lesson.

An no, I'm not depressed; I have seen true depression _really_ close and it _is_ a big issue. I know about the visits to the professionals, the medications (and the dependency to them), the inability to carry on with your life and how it affects everybody close to you. I surely felt down, sad and confused, but that's a far shot from depression, trust me on this one...

I also want to take the time to thank all the replies; this forum are really a blessing :)

Bets regards

    Bookmark   February 22, 2008 at 9:59AM
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Just have sex with your wife. Sometimes, after a break in sexual contact, it's difficult to get things going again, but once you do, you'll both feel better. Leave the co-worker friend alone for awhile, maybe you can be friends again in the future.

    Bookmark   March 6, 2008 at 12:40PM
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