Bedroom issues

newlywedbrideFebruary 16, 2007


This is probably a similar post to some of the others, so sorry if I'm duplicating thngs!

I have been married for 6 months (together for 4 years)and my husband and I are 30.

We are a very close couple and generally get on well. We usually communicate well, although we do argue becuse we are stubborn!We spend alot of time together and enjoy each other's company.

Over the last couple of years our sex life has fizzled and sometimes we can go a whole month without it. On average it is probably once every 1-2 weeks.

Without going into too many gory details I have issues about my satisfaction and my husband's attitude towards our sex life. He is very loving in our relationship and very reliable/trustworthy. However, neither of us is very experienced sexually and I feel we need to learn new ways of spicing things up. Without wishing to sound selfish, I often feel frustrated that my husband doesn't know how to "please" me in more than one way. He also doesn't have much of a sex drive and if he is tired he won't be interested (i.e most nights!)

We have talked and argued about this. He says I should be more confident, dress up for him, striptease etc. I don't feel comfortable with this as I am quite shy. I am not confident about my body even though I have a good figure (apparently)and I feel stupid/fear rejection when instigating sex.

I have read lots of tips and hints and talked to him and tried to encourage us to learn more techniques together, but he gets so defensive. He says he always thinks about me first and I should tell him what to do! If I say I don't know he thinks it is up to me to learn. He also says it is me being too emotional and that men and women aren't compatible in the bedroom because we want different things. Therefore he knows the one way to please me and it usually works so why change it.I thought by getting him to understand abut a woman's body better it would guide him about how to please me in lots of diferent ways, but I get the impression he thinks I am a nag now.

Occasionally we have good sex, but it is not often and I am now becoming preoccupied with what I may be missing out on. I get quite angry with him as he seems so reluctant to see my point of view. We went away recently and stayed in a hotel but neither of us instigated anything.

Or is it not all that great in reality?

Our relationship is not falling apart and we have a lot of fun together. I have painted a bad picture of him when he is a lovely caring man really. I love him so much, so why is this happening?

Sorry to go on!

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No doubt, this is a sensitive area. And it's hard to tell him you want something else because inside that message, there's the unspoken suggestion that what he's doing now isn't great. In other words, even though you're trying hard not to say it, he's probably 'hearing' that he's lousy in bed.

Do you know specifically what it is you want him to do? (I ask that in all sincerity) If you do, why not, when the mood is right, guide whatever part of him towards whatever part of you. Or if you need words to communicate, let him know that you would like to try... Keep it low pressure, and be careful that the timing is appropriate. If you find there are certain positions that are either better for you or less-good, let him know (wordlessly if possible) which ones you like best and why they feel good.

If it's a more general "Try something different", I'd like to suggest that maybe that's not the answer. IMO, the most important ingredient in a physical relationship is the emotional intimacy behind it. In other words, if the emotional connection is strong, the physical responses are much stronger and more meaningful. If either of you are feeling resentment, fatique, insecurity or pressure, your responses won't be as good as they could otherwise be. 'Spicing things up' with variety or toys might add a little something -- but it won't fix what's broken.

Again, just my two cents, but it's critical not to 'mess with his head' when it comes to performance issues. Seems the absolute worst thing you can do to a guy sexually is to make him doubt himself performance-wise. The performance anxiety will become a self-fulfilling prophecy that can feed itself into a major issue.

    Bookmark   February 16, 2007 at 6:11PM
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"He also doesn't have much of a sex drive..."

"He says I should be more confident, dress up for him, striptease etc. I don't feel comfortable with this as I am quite shy. "

"I feel stupid/fear rejection when instigating sex."

" and women aren't compatible in the bedroom...." (Whoa! That would news to many, many of us!)

Wondering how you got together in the first place. Didn't notice this trouble in all those years? However, assuming there is mutual interest (is there?) you can have a lot of fun growing together. Based on what you've described, I'd go find a sex therapist tomorrow. Time for a new beginning in this department IMHO.

There certainly are couples who aren't well matched sexually. Incompatibility isn't a flaw, just a circumstance. But, you know, somebody's going to have to "instigate" something. I wouldn't wait another day.

    Bookmark   February 16, 2007 at 6:29PM
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Sounds like he's content in the bedroom and you're not.

You can't expect him to change when he doesn't know what he needs to change. If you want something specific to change or done, you will need to make that thing known. Generally just implying or telling him to try something different is probably not the best answer. Get some ideas yourself and try them out, as much as you are afraid of striking out, he is probably twice as afraid expecially if he knows you are already not that happy with your sex life.

I say if you want the change the ball is in your court; he can't read your mind.

I understand his comment about the sexes capitability in the are usually just after the finish line, woman, generally, are more about the he really doesn't understand what you may want.

    Bookmark   February 16, 2007 at 7:12PM
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Hi everyone and thanks for the replies. Interesting to read people's opinions.

Maybe it is my problem. As you say, it is me that is less satisfied than him (unless he isn't telling me!). However, I would become so much more confident and able to express myself if I felt he was willing to try. It is a sensitive subject and I have tried many ways of hinting at things or making suggestions. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. What I have the issue with is his defensiveness. He knows I am not trying to put him down or hurt him. We are both very honest, and he says he would prefer it that way. How can a man understand a woman's body and what she wants without a bit of experimentation? But it's not ALL down to me. I'm not some goddess with loads of experience - I want us to try things together.

In answer to the question about how we got together, we met through a class we were both doing. When we first got together we were obviuosly far more lustful and we didn't live together etc. But we are both quite shy and I probably worried about being selfish if I wanted to seek new ways of finding pleasure.There are certainly no issues with our stability and love for each other.

    Bookmark   February 17, 2007 at 9:39AM
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"and I probably worried about being selfish if I wanted to seek new ways of finding pleasure."

I hear what you're saying, but I think you may be dead-wrong on this point. Try viewing it this way:

One of the greatest gifts you can give your husband is the knowledge that he is delighting you in the bedroom. He can reach his own pleasure in any number of ways, all of which will be great for him; but helping you reach yours is a little trickier. If you bear in mind that pleasing you is something he very much wants to do, then doing the things that bring you the most pleasure aren't selfish at all.

Try thinking 90% of yourself and your own needs the next time you make love and see if that isn't also great for him.

    Bookmark   February 17, 2007 at 10:49AM
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I'm really not trying to be sexist,but most men in general are selfish when it comes to sex. Having an orgasam is just SO MUCH EASIER for them,and often they just dont FEEL like putting in the work to get their woman to have one.
In some ways your husband is right...typically, men and women ARENT really compatible in the bedroom.WHY?
Because it feels better for a man to go "faster" and it is better for a woman to have it "slower"
However,your husband's logic is flawed,because obviously there are many men and women who have great sex.The key is compromise.
I also think both of you being inexprienced is part of the problem. I have found in my own exprience,that it works better when at least one of the two people has exprience.

However,you are not at a loss,you just need to work at it. Typically, the more you do it the better it will get. The more comfortable you will both be with each other's bodies,and the more aware you will become of how to please each other.
I also think you are lucky to have found at least the one way that "DOES IT FOR YOU". I know you cant go into details about what that one way IS,but I think I'm fairly certain I know what it is....And most women in general can only be pleased this way.
It is simply harder for women to get complete satisfaction then it is for men...I know,unfair,but true.
Try not to focus on it so much though. Of course there will be times when only he is the one satisfied.Happens to everyone.
Just,politely tell him,next time (maybe when you have more time,like a weekend,perhaps?) That you would like him to concentrate on you.
Dont worry,it will get better.
And,it may also help if you get "to know" your own self and figure out what exactly it is that feels good to you.Then you can have a better idea of how to "guide" your husband there.

    Bookmark   February 21, 2007 at 8:52PM
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From time to time we give "gifts" to each which I mean one particular night gets to be 100% hers. (Mine once in a while, too!) Takes the pressure of "performance" competely off. All the receiving party is expected to do is enjoy. One can learn all kinds of things when they subjugate their own desires occasionally. Fun, too.

Starts looong before the bedroom. Takes a delightfully long time. Imagination/fantasy city.

    Bookmark   February 23, 2007 at 1:29PM
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Thanks everyone. Actually, last weekend we had a big discussion about all of this and um....let's just say we spent some time trying to learn new things and just generally having fun with each other.In fact, he was the one who instigated whisking me off to the bedroom!We have both agreed to try better to communicate and my husband said he much preferred it when I was telling him/guiding him with what I wanted/what felt good etc. We both felt much closer and perhaps more confident afterwards and he explained that he feels less helpless if I give him constructive feedback . We still have more learning to do but have broken down those barriers.It's amazing how powerful communication and understanding can be....practise makes perfect I guess!!!!!

    Bookmark   February 24, 2007 at 10:50AM
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Well,good! Glad to hear things are going better for you. No man wants to hear he isnt doing it right,LOL. So it is good you and he have found that "guiding him" and giving him good feedback works best. Sex is something that usually goes better when we dont concentrate on it so hard.

    Bookmark   February 25, 2007 at 5:08PM
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"....we spent some time trying to learn new things and just generally having fun with each other."

There ya go.

    Bookmark   February 26, 2007 at 4:50PM
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Strip for the man, put on some heels and hose,strut around a bit then request what you want sexually, bet you get it. You fail to realize how much this will turn him on and how good it will make him feel, try it, I bet you will be bowled over by the results.

    Bookmark   March 1, 2007 at 3:43AM
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Asolo, that sounds marvelous! Good for you.

    Bookmark   March 5, 2007 at 10:28PM
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Learn about 4-play. Also make your man read about the womans G-spot. I found this out 4-myself. Now my wife just screams and moans. Sex is a blast!!

    Bookmark   March 14, 2007 at 2:46PM
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Oh, Honey, I went through two husbands who were sexually wrong for me, thinking it was my fault. Finally found the man who is suited to me and life is sure different. "It takes two to tango" and if you have the wrong partner, it doesn't matter how sweet he is, it's just not a good fit.

Just how important is your sex life to your happiness? that is the real question.

    Bookmark   March 26, 2007 at 10:08PM
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There could be an underlying impediment and that is his fear of you getting pregnant. Many men do not feel secure about having children until he is "financially secure" in his own eyes. Sex between married couples is best when both partners can enter the act without inhibition or preconcieved expectations.

    Bookmark   April 16, 2007 at 1:50AM
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Just stumbled across this thread, and after reading it, I have a couple basic questions for you to think about:

1. Do you know how to please yourself? Sounds strange, but if you aren't aware of what it takes to satisfy you, it's pretty hard to show/explain it to someone else. It sure helped my wife and I when she let me watch her masturbate. We had not been able to find the right combination for her satisfaction prior to that. After watching what she was doing, I had a much better idea of what I needed to do. Unfortunately, we had been married 10 years (sex was okay, but I never felt that she enjoyed it as much as I did) before she got to the point she would masturbate in front of me. After she reached that point, it seemed like all aspects of our sex life improved--like she was finally less self-conscious about her body, and more tuned in to enjoyment.

2. If he gets "defensive", he's probably aware that things aren't all that great, but hasn't figured out how to improve things. It's a fine line to walk, figuring out how to encourage/direct without being taken the wrong way, but well worth the time and effort to figure out how to approach the matter with him.

Sounds like you've got things going the right direction. Don't expect it to always be great, allow for some natural increases/decreases in sexual enjoyment.

After 25 years now, we're still going strong. We still have things we would like the other to do better/differently, but we've found so many things we enjoy, that we usually do pretty well.

    Bookmark   May 3, 2007 at 11:18AM
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