Question

tennisshortFebruary 22, 2010

Lately, last six months or so, IÂve become fascinated, in what I perceive is a purely voyeuristic way, with my wifeÂs sexual history. I am struggling with whether there is something unhealthy in this, and would appreciate your thoughts. If your long-term significant other somewhat gradually started asking you about your pre-monogamyÂindiscretionsÂwould that make you uncomfortable? I am younger, had much, much less "experience" before we met; and we were very well aware of that. (In the way of background, I started a thread here a while back "just putting this out there;" there is a lot about "us" in that thread. I honestly think I am past the orgasm thing. IÂm not too sure myself about the current "thingÂ" I just find it extremely arousing thinking about her wanting sex, just because it feels good and acting on that).

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asolo

So...what is it you're wanting? Are we talking pure fantasy and imagination here or are you wanting to duplicate and/or exceed what her previous lovers provided? Or is this a long-winded way of wondering what your DW would really like in bed? Or are you wishing she was different or would respond differently? Are you wanting mo/betta from her in bed?

Have no idea where you're going with this. From your description, I don't know what your "current thing" is.

To answer your question, if my SO "...gradually started asking you about your pre-monogamyÂindiscretions..." I would wonder what was going on with her. I would not refuse her the discussion if she wanted to pursue it (we talk about everything) but I would want to know where it came from and where she thinks it should go. I would regard it as dangerous ground. I would perceive it as an indirect method of approaching a different topic and I would want to know what the actual topic was. Unless your DW is stupid or doesn't know you at all, I suspect that is how she would would perceive it.

    Bookmark   February 22, 2010 at 6:17PM
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tennisshort

your third ? is I think a very interesting one. I beleive we are both VERY monogomous and I have no desire for this to ever "go" anywhere. appreciate your observations; I wish I could be more clairvoiant -spelling-

    Bookmark   February 22, 2010 at 7:09PM
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asolo

My third? What are you talking about? I didn't say anything about monogamy either. Clairvoyance I don't need. Clarity would be nice. And I don't do obtuse. Looks to me like you're bouncing off the walls. Good day to you.

    Bookmark   February 22, 2010 at 8:47PM
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matti5

So the "Current thing" is that you get aroused thinking about your wife's sexual past? Please clarify becasue your post is very confusing.

    Bookmark   February 22, 2010 at 9:21PM
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tennisshort

asolo, dude chill. I was referencing the third question you posed in your response. There is absolutely no need for you to get defensive. What part of "appreciate your responses" was confusing?

    Bookmark   February 22, 2010 at 9:51PM
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asolo

Defensive? No, just observant. I still don't know what you're after. Does anyone?

If you would be so kind as to write a comprehensible paragraph I believe all would benefit. Please do tell us what you're talking about.

    Bookmark   February 22, 2010 at 10:18PM
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tennisshort

Again, Thank you ever so much Asolo, you truly are "so kind"

Query, what part of my 2nd response in which I state "I wish I could be more clairvoiant" do you find difficult to understand?

Perhaps you might actually READ what I write before rushing so quickly to respond.

    Bookmark   February 23, 2010 at 10:06AM
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sweeby

I put in a link below to the original thread, which I just re-read. In light of re-reading that thread, if I were your wife, I would think you were poking around in my past to see if I was "broken" then too. I'd suspect you were either looking to validate yourself as a lover (she never climaxed with anyone else, therefore she's broken) or beat yourself over the head with it (she enjoyed others more, therefore, it's me).

I know this isn't what you asked, but I think it's what needs to be said:

For most women, fulfilling sexual intimacy needs to begin with emotional intimacy, and emotional intimacy needs to come first. Emotional intimacy requires trust, openness and generosity. It can be killed by stress, pressure, anger, fear or criticism. Emotional and true sexual intimacy requires you to let down your guard and expose yourself in every way, and you can't really do that if you're not confident that your partner will love what he finds.

I perceive a lot of insecurity on your part and implied criticism of her in your posts.
I suspect your wife perceives criticism and pressure from you -- to which the natural response would be some form of self-protection.
And that self-protection instinct will kill your sex life.

Here is a link that might be useful: The original post...

    Bookmark   February 23, 2010 at 10:26AM
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asolo

Said my bit. I don't know how to respond to OP's wish for "clairvoyance" -- which I think is a peculiar way of putting it. If OP can be clear about what he means and what he wants, may be back. Otherwise I don't think the thread benefits from our contention.

    Bookmark   February 23, 2010 at 11:29AM
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tennisshort

Asolo just who do think you are, "our contention." Exactly who is OUR? Do you presume to speak for the entire populance?

Screw the thread, you've absolutely killed it with your arrogance, thank you for that. Certianly look forward to returning the favor some time. Until Then, "have a nice day."

(BTW thank you for your reply sweeby).

    Bookmark   February 23, 2010 at 3:53PM
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asolo

"...just who do think you are..."

Just another poster/respondent. Nothing more or less.

"Do you presume to speak for the entire populance?"

Do not and never have had any such presumption.

"Exactly who is OUR?"

Yours and mine, sir, which I think is obvious. I proposed dropping out of the thread so as to avoid "our contention" thereby removing that emergent barrier to your stating your situation and perhaps receiving the replies you would be interested in.

Suggest stating your situation and desire for response clearly -- which you haven't yet done -- in order to receive better responses. I promise to stay away.

    Bookmark   February 23, 2010 at 4:20PM
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catlettuce

I'm pretty much with Sweeby here, I remember your last post & think she is dead on. Not much more to add except I had a longterm boyfriend with similar issues long ago. I think he liked to hear about my past relationships to torment me about them when things didn't go as he wished both in & out of bed.

I can't imagine this being anything but a complete turn OFF for your wife & any other woman. What's up with your insecurity in the bedroom anyway? You seem obsessed with it still. Have you thought about seeing a sex therapist? Just you to start without your wife. To get at what's driving you on this subject.
Cat

    Bookmark   February 23, 2010 at 7:20PM
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finedreams

Oh my,
long time ago I dated a guy who asked awfully many questions, and we are not talking about normal questions to get to know one another on a deeper level. he had almost no sexual experience by his early 30s (he was somewhat strange, emotionally disturbed etc) but I was older, previously married/divorced and did date few men in my life. i am not promiscuous but I certainly had sex more than him. he bugged me about it nonstop and like sweeby said just to torment me about it. he was somewhat emotionally disturbed in regards to sex/relationships and pretty much everything else. He was also obsessed with the actual number of men I knew and insisted on it daily. Oh and he also was disturbed to discover that my last name is actually my exhusband's last name that I kept after divorce. I assumed it is somewhat typical in divorce but he found it hurtful to HIM? oh and then male friend (long time friend) called me one day with the most innocent question and it caused my then BF to go to the bedroom to cry. Yeap. I didn't take it for too long and was done with him.

Your post (this one and previous ones) reminded me of this craziness.

I bet you your wife will be out of here sooner or later, and if not then maybe you should end it. This just does not seem to be working.

    Bookmark   February 24, 2010 at 6:05AM
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finedreams

corrections: catletuce said she had similar boyfriend not sweeby

    Bookmark   February 24, 2010 at 6:07AM
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scarlett2001

I also found the original post kind of ...hard to understand. Ok, and also maybe a bit creepy.

Personally I think that whatever happened sexually before I met my husband or he met me is in the past and should stay there. For what possible reason do you want to dredge it up again?

    Bookmark   February 25, 2010 at 2:46AM
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amyfiddler

Tennisshort: I've followed everything you're saying here without a problem. Here's my take on your question - you have a fantasy of your wife having sex with other men. That's it. Her history gives you a vehicle to explore that, and bottom line, it's none of your business. It will do nothing but make her feel bad, and she's done nothing wrong. It will not make the two of you feel closer for you to dig this way. It will be completely unsatisfying, which will lead you to dig more, which will divide the two of you.

How about instead, you divulge to her your fantasy, and then the two of you work together to understand the drive behind that fantasy? OR you go to a therapist to understand it - maybe it's insecurity on your part, (probably, actually) - or, maybe it's a control thing, maybe it's rooted in actual voyeurism, maybe it's something else.

My 2cents.

    Bookmark   March 4, 2010 at 12:37PM
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