I am the problem in my marriage

sportsmom12February 22, 2004

I know I am the problem in my marriage- but can't seem to help myself. I am 48 and we have been married 23 years. We have had our ups and downs with money problems, medical problems,step children etc.-but no nasty fights etc

Now our children are grown and I feel suffocated in my marriage. I have always been the main breadwinner which isn't a problem. I have always been the one to run the house mainly too- my husband had outside duty.

My problem is we are opposites. I am an outgoing positive extravert- he is a dull negitive intervert. I like my space- he wants to be with me 24x7. I have a stressful job and need to just chill at home- he has a temp job and wants to do something constantly. I stay up until midnight- he goes to bed early and gets up early so when I get up at 8 am- he starts pacing ready for me to do stuff with him when all I want is do enjoy my coffee.

I am not nice to him right now- not mean- just trying to get him to get a clue he is suffocating me. Most women would love a husband that gave them that much attention - it is driving me crazy! Not to mention his boring negative attitude brings me down.

Any advise? I tried to get him to get extra hobbies and in the summer I have some relieve as he golfs- but winter is horrible.

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I don't know that you are "the problem" for what you think so much as for not telling your husband what's bothering you. Men don't get clues- they are banged over the head with them (a generalization but often a true one). You have to tell him exactly how you feel, in a non-acusatory manner. Don't say "you're suffocating me," try "I need some time alone each day." If you set a specific time that you can take each day, he has a reasonable expectation of what you want. Right now, he may feel like the kids are finally gone and he can give you all the attention you need, but you have to explain you don't need that much. Really, you should be able to work things out if you start communicating your expectations on how to spend your time. You may have different ideas on things, but time can be divided and therefore compromises can be reached. Maybe you can get more alone time during the week when you are work-stressed in exchange for doing things with husband during the weekend. That way, you still have alone time and he still has time with you. He may be negative because his expectations on what would happen once the kids are gone are not being met. It's time for a real heart to heart and most likely some compromising on both parts.

    Bookmark   March 3, 2004 at 9:44PM
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You are not the problem. If the two of you were to go to a psycologist, he/she would tell you to tell him exactly what you told us, that you need some time alone each day. He would tell him to get a life, but not in that manner.

Tell the man you need some time alone!

    Bookmark   March 4, 2004 at 5:49PM
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You might try asking for suggestions on the retired forum, your situation sounds quite a bit like those wives that are coping with a newly retired spouse.

    Bookmark   April 11, 2004 at 8:06AM
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My God, sportsmom, you sound like my long lost twin!!! We've only been married 9.5 years, but I get that same suffocating feeling. I love my husband - he is a wonderful person and father (we have small children) and I know that he is trying to take care of me. But I need my time alone / personal space and he doesn't get it. We are both professionals who work outside the home, in very stressful jobs, and I also need my time to chill out. He is also very shy and everytime we have a chance to socialize it's an all out fight to get him to go or to have people over. I'm starting to feel cut off from friendships - we have very few. I try to talk to him, and for a little while it gets better, but then we're back in the same old thing again. Also, he wants to be involved in every detail of everything, down to what the kids get in their lunchboxes and what I'm buying at the supermarket. Sometimes I want to scream. Sometimes I just blow up and scream (I'm not a yeller by nature) and then I get accused of being mean. I've mentioned counselling, but he balks. At least I know I'm not completely alone!

    Bookmark   April 22, 2004 at 6:43PM
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aamvsd, I'm sidetracking from the original post, but it sounds like you are married to a passive aggressive controller. Even if he won't go for counseling, go alone. You'll learn to deal with his "shy" antisocial behavior.

    Bookmark   April 28, 2004 at 10:48AM
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Sportsmom, I agree with the other posters. It's not a "my fault or his fault" problem. You just need to sit down and talk with him. Men read newspapers, not minds. He probably hasn't got a clue what's bothering you and you coming right out with what's bugging you will probably be a relief for him. Men hate playing the guessing game. "What's wrong, honey?" "Nothing! slam"

I love my husband very much and we're very comfortable together, but if I had to spend the whole day with him I'd cut my head off. Thankfully he works a lot now but when he retires in another year or two I'll be back here begging for help!

    Bookmark   January 10, 2005 at 5:47PM
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being the only guy that has so far replied to this ( so far)
i agree with Meghane .
it sounds to me that neither you or your hubby are the problem as men tend to get to "close" to their spouse when they have time on their hands without really realizing it .
i also believe that both men and women need their time to themselves if only to set and "chill".
the best thing i have found is to set down and talk to your better half about how you really feel without being bitter or accusing of your spouses habits, as someone once said that it all lies in compromise .
just my 2 cents worth .

    Bookmark   January 10, 2005 at 8:24PM
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I suspect you have already talked to him about this multiple times during your marriage. Maybe you need a trial separation. Your children are grown and he is the way he is, after all of these years. I would get my own apartment (you have the means to do this) and see how you like it, living alone without him for awhile.

    Bookmark   January 11, 2005 at 5:28PM
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uhm- sounds more like your problem is trying to find reasons to stick with a guy you lost respect for 10 years ago.

'dull' is not something that one says about someone you care about.

I also notice that while he's supposed to be the dull one- he's always wanting to do something while you want to plotz.

so it's not that he never wants to do anything- it's that you don't value anything that he wants to do.

now, mind you- you could be describing a very dear friend of mine- but Jay's in therapy, on meds, and at least attempting to deal with things on his own. so I agree that 'fault' and 'problem' are irrelevant terms you're using to hide from the real issues.

I gotta ask- if you love this guy, why have you let things get this bad?

    Bookmark   February 9, 2005 at 2:31PM
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You need to stop hinting at the problem and tell him flat out. Don't wait until it's unbearable and you are no longer in love. Sit down with him and tell him straight up, be honest with him about what's bothering you and how bad it is. Do it NOW before it's too late. My wife had similar issues with me, but waited until she was already far too fed up to tell me. It was too late.

    Bookmark   May 21, 2012 at 12:20PM
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Umm.....you did notice the date on that last post, right?

    Bookmark   May 21, 2012 at 12:45PM
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Garek won't be back to see that anyway.

    Bookmark   May 21, 2012 at 1:35PM
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