Sexless Marriage 2

ladygodivaFebruary 23, 2007

In response to the previous thread "A Sexless Marriage"

I think I'm the only one with the worst story. I have been married for 8 years and we only had sex ONCE (that was with medication) on the 4th of our marriage. I feel betrayed because he lied to me about this from the begining and do nothing about this. I didn't know he has problem with sex until I cleaned up his cabinet and found lots of paper from the doctor after a year of marriage. He even panic when I started to touch him or kiss him. The peak is when we reached our 5th marriage.

I went back home to my country by myself. I missed him so bad until I get back home to the US again. I really want to touch him and all but that didn't happen. I was so pissed and frustrated. I tried to talk to him about this matter and he went ballistic. I talked to him nicely but he just gone mad. I cryed and angry for the whole year and maybe until now. I would avoid him to go to bed together at the same time. We are still sleep in the same bed and room. I really dont want him to touch me anymore so I don't have to feel the desire to touch him back.

I feel like he is my roomate and a brother more than a huband. The one I dont understand is why he doesn't do anything. Does he care about me? Does he want to live this way? Im 31 years old and he is 47 years old. Physically, he doesn't look like 47 instead of 37 with fit body and all but all that to waste.

Im thinking about leaving him but I couldn't. I just doesn't have the heart to leave him. I always thinking who's going to take care of him when I left. I know I can take care of myself alone but him? Sometimes I wish I can be so cold hearted and just thinking about myself selfishly.

Nobody know this matter. I just keep it for myself. I can't stand it anymore. I took a very dangerous job to forget all my problem as an officer. I figure, I better help somebody else better than I commit crime. I don't want to cheat on him or betray him that way. I don't know how long I can stay this way. I feel happy when I do my job. In my job, I can forget about the sadness in my life. It's sad how I can help people but noone can help me.

He support me in anyway including the way I choose my job as my career. I can make friends with anyone I like and he never forbid me with anything. This is the reason why I stay in this marriage. Sometimes Im just thinking to have an affair but that doesn't feel right. I have an "almost" moment with my male friend but that didn't happen because it didn't feel right. I have several chances to cheat but I ignored all of it.

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What it usually comes down to is "Is this the way I want to live my life?"

I regard as major issue but seems to me either answer would be OK. Your life, your call.

After eight years I think its safe to say that how it is is how its going to be if you choose to stay. I wouldn't bet on change.

    Bookmark   February 23, 2007 at 12:16PM
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I have to agree with asolo here ladygodiva,although i can certainly feel your pain. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.
Having sex only once in 8 years seems like a big red flag to me. Is your husband simply not a sexual person? or does he have another problem such as cheating or porn? Or...maybe he could be gay? All things to consider.
You have my sympathy,I hope you find the support you need here.

    Bookmark   February 23, 2007 at 7:04PM
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Thank you asolo and coolmama. No...he is not gay or have another woman. For that, Im glad. Im thinking about divorce and just leave him everything. I can find money and a place to live easily. I just dont want him to have nothing from the divorce.

On the other hand, I really would like to know if sexless marriage can be success. Im a Catholic and already looking for some information. They said I can ask for annulment from this.

I still feel so hard to leave him. Whos going to take care of him if I left?

My heart just torn apart between this.

    Bookmark   February 23, 2007 at 10:06PM
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FWIW...I would have been gone the morning after the wedding night. The deception you've described is one of the nastiest.

You really didn't know this about him until a year after marrying? That must have been some kind of platonic courtship!

The Catholic church won't be living your life for you and they won't give you your last eight years back. Look after yourself, please, unless it is your intention to spend your life remaining a platonic care-giver for someone who's touch you can't stand and who doesn't want you to touch them.

    Bookmark   February 23, 2007 at 11:02PM
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You are not responsible for making your husband happy. He is responsible for that.

You must consider your own future.

You sound like a kind person, but dont just walk away from your financial security.

You have given 8 years...

    Bookmark   February 24, 2007 at 1:26AM
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So he's not gay and doesn't have a girl on the side; he doesn't like to be touched and doesn't touch you.

Could he be body dismorphic? Asexual? A sexual abuse survivor? Maybe just horrendously anxious from the very beginning about sex and the years have compounded that fear?

You said you found papers from his doctor a year into marriage, did they provide any hint as to what was going on in the sexual area with him? I'm not asking that you share that information, just whether it provides any insight for you.

Really, these questions are for your benefit only since he refuses to talk about it with you. It seems there is really nothing further you can do to try to help him if he won't address the issue.

Is there any other type of intimacy between you two? Do you sit close to each other on the couch, or hold hands, or go for walks and talk about life and your daily activities?

You can only do what you feel is best. You are a young person and you deserve a fulfilling life as well, not only being a roommate.

    Bookmark   February 24, 2007 at 2:56AM
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Thanks for all the responses. Since some of you mentioned about Asexual person. He might be that way because I remember him enjoyed life by him self in the middle of nowhere in OK. Personally, I don't like being alone that way and has to be surrounded by people.

He was married before and the marriage didn't last until 1.5 year. I guess maybe there is something to do with this? I never think this way until I found many responses in here. I didn't even know asexual person is exist. Great...I feel stupid now...

I don't remember what's exactly the doctor's papper said. I do remember that's he has problem is treatable.

We do holding hands, cuddling, kissing (not deep kissing), and hugging. Sometimes I just refuse to do that so I don't have to feel the "after feeling" torture afterward.

In many way, he is very supportive and basically, I'm the voice in the household. He will do anything I say. Who wants their wife to be a cop in the real life anyway? He thought that I am a very strong willing woman that never cry. I cry almost every night for the last 3 years.

We are still talking share each other daily life, laugh at jokes and do activities together. Most people in our city know us including some of the neighboring city. We are known for the perfect happy couple who does several different community events. Most people makes us as a perfect couple role model.

I haven't cry in a couple of months until I found this site.

    Bookmark   February 24, 2007 at 3:51AM
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I think ANYTHING can possibly work as long as it is not hurting anyone. If you were BOTH happy without sex, no one was to say that could not work. But obviously you are not happy. The situation is bringing you a lot of emotional pain,and NOBODY deserves that. I know how difficult it is to give on a marriage (I am in the process of a divorce after 8 eight years marriage),and I have the tendency to carry the guilt of the world on my shoulders - always feeling that I should be responsible for everyone's happiness,but mine. I found a lot of help in Psychotherapy. It has helped me to bring the focus back to myself and lifted at least some of the weight of my shoulders.

    Bookmark   February 24, 2007 at 4:29PM
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Therapy CAN really help. Without going into the gory details, let me just say that my first marriage had some striking similarities to yours.

After many frustrating years, I finally said to him that I had made an appointment with a marriage counselor for ___ date at ___ time, and that he could come with me to discuss how to save our marriage, or I would be going alone to discuss if our marriage was worth saving. He came. And ultimately, I decided there was no marriage to save. But the therapy was very, very helpful in helping me realize that our crappy marriage wasn't my fault, and was really about all Ex was capable of.

Shortly after my divorce became final, I met a wonderful man whom I married two years later. We have been wonderfully happy for the last 12+ years. -- Just to let you know it IS out there.

    Bookmark   February 24, 2007 at 4:43PM
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Thank you for all the responses.

Sweeby, I have been thinking the same thing as well. Im thinking about marriage therapy and psychology as well. I really want to know what happened with his past. Not that I want to be nosy about his past, but past life can affect today's life. He really didn't talk about his past so much, not like I do. At one point, he talked about him being harrashed by other kids in highschool. I don't know what kind of harrashment he got when he was in highschool. Maybe got to do with sexual harrashment? I don't know and that's why Im thinking about psychological evaluation.

Last night, I have a rough and bad night. I came home and he message my back and make me some meal. This is why I hesitate to leave him. I don't think I can find any man who can be this way and put up with my work. Im thinking of having an affair but Im not sure.

Im really confused and feel like rocking inside a boat. I really don't know what to do except going to a marriage counsellor and/or psychologist. Oddly enough, my sister is a psychologist herself. I talked to her about my problem but not like in here. She thinks Im having a regular marital problem. Is it a good thing to talk to my sister about this?

I never talked to a psychologist or counsellor before. It make me feel weird to talk about my marital problem to a stranger. At least, in here, I can talk annynomously.

Sweeby, If you don't mind, how old was your previous marriage?

    Bookmark   February 24, 2007 at 10:18PM
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I highly recommend that you do NOT have an affair...that will not make matters better, only worse. And, then you will have two major problems in your marriage instead of just one.

It does sound to me like he may have been sexually abused. But, by the way, how do you know he is not gay?

I think a counselor would be in order for both of you. I think he probably needs a psychiatrist (a real doctor and not just a counselor)...he could even start with his regular doctor and go from there. But, if he won't go to a doctor or a counselor, it may help if at least you do.

I am curious as to what medicine made him have sex with you. Could he stay on this? And, how much have you discussed this problem with him? I know it may be hard to bring up, but for pete's sake, at this point you're not risking much. Tell him you feel bad because you've been contemplating having an affair because of the lack of sex and see where the conversation goes...This may seem harsh...but it's a heck of a lot better than actually having the affair. Or, at least tell him you really need a sexual relationship with him.

I also wonder if you ever want to have children and if this figures into anything.

Please make an appointment to see a counselor soon, and, again, do NOT have the affair! It will not solve your problem.

    Bookmark   February 24, 2007 at 11:20PM
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DO try the therapist, but NOT your sister. Remember, sex is a very, very personal and sensitive subject, and he will have to face your sister for the rest of his life if your marriage survives.

I was married for ten years the first time, and often wish I had left sooner. My Ex was psychogically and verbally abusive to me, and was incapable of intimacy on any level -- not just physical, but emotional. Our problems began shortly before the wedding, escalated on the honeymoon, improved a bit as we both got busy with our careers, then gradually got worse over the years. At the end, there wasn't much left that was any good at all and the marriage was dead long before it ended. But that doesn't seem to be the case with you.

Trust me, having an affair isn't the answer. Imagine you have an affair and the sex is wonderful. That will kill your marriage in a sordid way that will leave you feeling guilty and defensive for years, because the comparison will make your marriage less and less attractive and worth saving. You will know you didn't do everything in your power to make the marriage work. Now imagine the sex isn't earth-shattering. All you've got is the guilt, the possibility of an unintended pregnancy or STD, and a big fat trust barrier between you and your husband. Either way, it will do more harm to your marriage than good. Sex will still be around after counseling, and then it will be better then, because it will either be with your husband or guilt-free without him.

It sounds like, apart from the sex problems -- your marriage has a lot more positives than mine did. I'd really try counseling. Tell your husband that you need to go to save your marriage because it's that important and that necessary. Again, YOU make the appointment -- he will not. Often, men won't admit to themsleves that a problem is really serious until the woman does something drastic.

A therapist who works with a psychiatrist or other MD (many do) would be an excellent choice in case medication is warrented, but IMO, most psychiatrists tend to approach problems from a medical angle first (they're MD's) rather than a psychological angle, and it sounds like there's a significant psychological componant to this problem.

Good luck to you both.

    Bookmark   February 25, 2007 at 1:54PM
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But, a psychiatrist, or a medical doctor could rule out, or in, for that matter a physical problem. And, I'm not so sure we can rule out it being a medical problem. In fact, I think it is always best to rule out medical problems first. How do we know he doesn't have a brain tumor, very low testosterone, or a thyroid problem?

A medical doctor will refer you to someone if he thinks it's necessary, but a therapist may not even know when/if you should see a real MD. I think now-a-days most medical doctors are very in tune to mental illnesses and won't write someone off. I'm not sure all therapists/marriage counselors are trained to deal with all aspects of many mental illnesses.

    Bookmark   February 25, 2007 at 4:10PM
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Thank you Sweeby ada all....

Right now, I feel so alone. My family is far away and I can't even talk to my best friend because she has problem of her own. I don't want to talk to the priest because I don't need any religious lecture from anyone. The only thing I need is suggestion which I got from all of you. For that, I really appreaciate any suggestions and comments.

He went to doctors several times but he quit soon after that. I don't understand why. The doctor gave him viagra and cialis. Both medicine are not working (or he just resisted whatever on his head). Im affraid he has some kind of other medical problem. He is so stuborn with doctor, medical, treatment and everything to do with it. From what I read of his medical record, he has low testoterone and ED problem but all those can be treatable with medication. All he need is a hormonal treatment but like I said, he is so stuborn with medical stuff. It get on my nerve for this one.

I rarely dicuss this with him because everytime I discuss this he went balistic. We talked about this three times and three times end up with big fight. Three times we fought, he always wanted to run away. We never fight anything else besides this. I talked nicely to him but he went mad and I got very defensive. It all ended up just like a detective interogated a criminal.

I don't really like psyciatrist. I deal with them everyday at work. The only thing they do to solve someone's problem is by medication. All those medication are not making a person better but worse.

I'll try to talk to him and find any marriage counselor near by. Strangely, I can easily confront people but I can't even confront my own husband.

Im so tired crying almost all the time on my off duty pathetic! Im so tired of my marriage and surounding.

    Bookmark   February 25, 2007 at 4:49PM
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Thank you all for the responses. I talked to him last night and we both cried. We will go to the counselor tommorow. Wish us luck, hopefully we can fix the problem together. Thank you.

    Bookmark   February 27, 2007 at 7:01AM
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HI, I feel for you i am having the same problem. we have been married 17 years and it is a great "friendship".we talk but it is always about the kids or work . and when i do get upset i try not to let him know because we are good together .we do not have any intimacy on any level.I have talked to him and it helped for a few days and when he did touch me it was like a job to do and move on . I try to forget about and keep telling my self he is a good man and my bestfriend . All I hear from my friends he is a great guy and he loves me so . i can't talk to them. i was glad to see it was not just me .and feel for any one that has a marriage like yours and mine . what do you do to keep from going nutts thanks raven

    Bookmark   March 8, 2007 at 11:59AM
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How are you LadyGodiva? We'd love an update if you're comfortable sharing.

And Raven, have you tried talking honestly? Completely honestly?

    Bookmark   March 10, 2007 at 10:51AM
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This guy should not be married to anyone. He needs to live on a house boat and let the waves take him away.

That sucks to be you. I would never marry anyone that I did not know how the sex relationship was in the 1st place.

    Bookmark   March 14, 2007 at 2:40PM
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Raven, It's the same thing here with me. Exactly what you've said....he started to touch me, etc and move on. I will give him an ultimatum next year. If there is no changes, I will move on with my life. It just a thought. How can you live with him for 17 years without it? At least you had sex at the begining of your marriage (you have kids). Mine was and is nothing at all.

Mike, The reason why I stay with him is because he is a super nice guy, very responsible, support me in any ways and all good things on him except sex. I will not put my life based on sex. Life is much more than sex but if its nothing at all then it's not normal. I had a bad relationship once with a man who couldn't stand the temptation of sex. He can't control his libido and started to cheat on me.

The only reason why I keep insane is my job. By helping people, I have my reason to live this life. Im very active in my community by work and volunteering. Most of the people in my town know me and my husband. We are the perfect couple of the town and many of them tell me of how good he is as my husband. They just don't know.

    Bookmark   March 15, 2007 at 10:16PM
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ladygodiva, Well I mean if that makes you happy, then so be it.
I know a lady I work with that was in the same situation as you. Also she did not have to work. He made easily over 200K a year, but the bedroom was sadden for her. She said she's been with him for over 14 years and sex was sexless. In all case, he was very sweet and stuff. But she left him. At this time, after 9 months when she left him, she is now engaged to a new man, which does not make a lot of money, but makes her happy in every way. So you just need to do to make you happy, ya know?? Good luck.

    Bookmark   March 16, 2007 at 2:37AM
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Overall, from scale 1-10, He is 9. The only thing lack from him is sex. I have been about leaving or not leaving him lately. I can't find any man who is better than him. Probably there is but only better in sex but not in other things. It will be much more easier if he is not a good person. I would just leave him instantly.

I'm still debating this matter now. Should I stay or leave. I don't want to have to decide after 14 years of marriage. Right now I'm tottaly in confusion. Am I happy living without sex? Will I be happy later on without sex? The answer is no. Maybe I will find answer it one day. Like I said before, if there are no changes within a year....I will end all of this.

I appreciate all advices and thought from this site. Thank you all for reading my vent.

    Bookmark   March 16, 2007 at 5:27PM
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How about slipping Viagra in his Martini, if he does not drink, maybe some into his tea or water? ;)

Always worth a shot. I am sure he'll like to relieve his flagpole. I would hate a stiffy and not get it taken care of :)

    Bookmark   March 18, 2007 at 1:11AM
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