Help, I'm desperate

reedFebruary 6, 2006

I am a migrant in Australia and I've been here for five years. In these five years, many things changed. I've lost my beloved grandfather and mother, who loved me dearly and gave me a lot of mental support. My grandmother, who used to love me a lot, has a dementia and doesn't know what's going on around her. My father walked out on us before my mother died of cancer and is now living with another woman. After my mother passed away last year, I feel like a virtual orphan, and hope that I can have support from my husband, someone I feel not reliable at all.

Let's meet his family first. His father migrated to Australia more than ten years ago alone and has had two other children, a boy, 9 and a girl, 7. His father is never a responsible person, who used to abuse his mother. He gambles a lot, and doesn't care for his current wife. My parents-in-law got divorced as soon as my husband's family got to Australia. My mother-in-law isn't a nice person either, she's very unfair, and she treats my s-i-l and her bf like queen and king and treats me like a nobody. She shows the unfairness in even some trivial things. (I am good to her; I work hard, earn reasonable salary and buy her a lot of things) But now I hate her. My s-i-l and bf are very unreasonable. We live together and havent been talked to each other for over 6 months. Home is like hell!!

Well, what about my husband? He doesn't smoke, drink or go out a lot. He cares for me sometimes. He gets up half an hour earlier every day to drive me to the station; picks me up there and reminds me of things I should take with me. But other than these, he's a mess:

1. He's untidy. He doesn't shower everyday, which makes me sick. I've bought him a whole luggage of new clothes, yet he still looks terrible in some days.

2. He's violent; he hit me four times in our six-year's marriage (We were geographically apart for two years). He didn't hit me too hard, but I called the police once, and got him into cell for four hours. He's an extremist; he would do things without caring about the result. Last time, he fought with his sister's bf with a knife.

3. He never wants to give me any surprise. He never buys me any birthday present even after my reminders. He never wants to share or celebrate special days for me. He's cold and impulsive; sometimes he's only good to me when he wants too.

4. We don't have regular sex. Usually I withdraw myself when he's mad, untidy or pathetic in some way. I hate him heatedly sometimes. He doesnÂt often have the libido, either. He claims that I don't give him any liberty (in terms of worrying about his clothes, behavior, taking bath or not and so forth. For god's sake, I think that he should worry about all these, not me! I just have to worry because he doesn't care).

5. If I ask him to help me, he would seldom do that because he canÂt be bothered. He makes 10% efforts when I ask him to help me. And he knows that when he asks me for help, I am always there.

Anyway, I am not sure what to do. If my mother was alive, I might walk out of this marriage and start a new life. Now I am stuck. I donÂt have any one to lean on in this foreign country, and I am unhappy most of the time. I remain in this relationship because I donÂt want to be miserable and unhappy all the time. Am I right here?

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It sounds like you have a lot of heart ache and disappointment. So what to do? Sit down with a pad of paper and start taking some notes. What do I have that's good and what is not good? Then determine if the bad things can be fixed. If they can't and there are way many more bad things than good things, then think about leaving. But before you do, make another list. If I leave, how will I handle where to live, buy groceries, etc.? Maybe you find a place near where you work, or at least close to the train. You say you are stuck. Well, you are stuck only if you let yourself be. You said you make a good salary. So plan on using that salary to move out. It sounds like you are living with an extended family - that would drive me over the edge right away. You can move on - it just takes determination.

    Bookmark   February 6, 2006 at 8:12AM
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"I remain in this relationship because I don't want to be miserable and unhappy all the time."

"I am unhappy most of the time."

OK, so tell me why you're in this relationship again? I must have missed something.

    Bookmark   February 7, 2006 at 5:38PM
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You're married to a pig who hits you? Getting away from that would make you miserable and unhappy all the time? I don't get this.

Get out -- and away. Figure the rest out later.

    Bookmark   February 7, 2006 at 6:17PM
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Reed, What country were you born in? Do you have women friends for a support system?

    Bookmark   February 13, 2006 at 9:59PM
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Hello, all, thanks for the reply! Special thanks to over_n_under.

Well, I did a list about what I want and what I've got in the marriage and gave it to my husband, then asked him to tell me what he wanted for life or in the marriage. He told me that he hoped that love could make us live peacefully together.

I might have overstated his untidiness and indifference to me. I was mad at the moment. Well, he isn't that bad. He actually picks me up from the station every day, calls me to tell me to take care of myself. He also massages for me when I come back after work.

What troubles me is his occational extremist acts. I was very depressed when he lost his temper again against a stranger, who raced the car on the road last week. He followed the person's car so closely that he scratches his car. Lucky they didn't have a fight. And then we had a dispute relating to his family, about his sister's old trick of generosity.He told me that he couldn't care less about my problem with his family. He didn't want to deal with them. And he didn't want to support me either. I was heartbroken so I told him that I wanted seperation and it upset him a lot. He told every one in his family that he hated them, then he left home at midnight and slept in the car outside his father's place. I emailed him and said that I only decided to leave because I couldn't put up with all the stuff any more. He replied and said that I was his only hope of life, he really loved me and he would have nothing if I left him. (I trust him on this although he doesn't have the ability to support me in terms of mediating for me and his family.) I stayed.

He talked to me today and said that his biggest problem was the depression that he's suffering. He said that the depression comes and goes all the time, sometimes,he only saw the dark side of the world. And he told me that he's depressed because of his parents.

Honestly, there is nothing I can do to his family. I talked to his mother once about my husband's problem. But she couldn't care less. She feels that it is all my fault that he has a bad relationship with the family. Well, his family is not good at communication, they would either fight or escape.

Any suggestion about how to help my husband out of the depression. (Something other than seeing the consultants, he doesn't trust professionals. He talks to his friends sometimes, but he never speaks of his problems.)

One good thing about our relationship is that we start to communicate again. Call me stupid, actually I am still in love with this man.

    Bookmark   March 6, 2006 at 5:03AM
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Reed, can you find someone as a support for you? It may be very true that your husband has depression or even something called bipolar disorder which gives a person highs (not always happy sometimes irritable, unhappy but agressive "high" moods rather than the lows of depression). If that's the case then help is the answer. A good therapist may be a start, whether a regular professional or from something besides a typically medical field. Then if medication will help, it may be a step closer. Is he using alcohol or other substances, either in front of you or otherwise? If so, that's a common thing as an attempt to 'self medicate". In any case, just like we have Al-anon in the US and elsewhere for family members of alcoholics, support groups for people/spouses of people with such troubles can be extremely helpful. Before making a "diagnosis" per se of a mental illness as a cause for some of what you've described, finding a support group just because of troubles in your marriage may be a welcome thing for you, from an emotional spiritual standpoint and also from a resource standpoint. You never know he might accept the idea of a support group as well---the same one or a different one---since it has to be that both of you are having troubles in the marriage. All the best of good wishes to you in this difficult situation. Braz

    Bookmark   March 27, 2006 at 1:38AM
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Hello, Braz,
Thanks a lot for the advice. I guess bipolar disorder is the right phrase to describe his mental status. He does "fire up" some negative surprises from time to time without any explanation.

He isn't an addict to anything(he's a nonsmoker, and he only drinks wine or beer sometimes- not excessively, he doesn't take any other substances, and he doesn't gamble or cheat on me in terms of having an affair etc.).

The problem I have with him is that he doesn't have the sense of security. And he doesn't trust any professionals, not even the psychologists or therapists. Every time I mention about seeing a professional he would worry about having to pay too much and then he would claim that he doesn't have time and so on and so forth.

Another problem in our relationship is that we don't talk properly. We seem to be short-tempered and impatient to each other whenever we talk. Now after about two months' peaceful time I start to hate him again.

The reason for that is his lack of libido. I dream of hot and exciting sexes yet we never had one. Not even after my in-laws are away and we have a big house to ourselves for a long while. I am really disappointed. I have told him several times about my dismay at not having enough sex (not even an average of once a week in six years' marriage), yet it doesn't help. I start to look at him negatively and think about leaving him or finding someone more romantic or sexier.

Jesus, it is a mess!

    Bookmark   July 4, 2006 at 9:22AM
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give him a viagra and watch him takes it, see if drug help!

    Bookmark   July 9, 2006 at 8:32AM
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