DH does not seem to know how to make love.

rosegarden3February 5, 2008

My DH and I have been together for 14 years married for 2.5 years we have 2 kids together, and I have 1 from a previous relationship(I was very young). We are both 35, kids are 17, 8, and 6. He works on the Great Lakes Freighters and is gone for about 7 months out of the year. He is always home from around Jan. 15 to March 15, with vacations throughout the year. I am a stay at home mom.

When I first met him I fell head over heels for him. He too seemed to like me a lot and we spent so much time together. We moved in together 6 mo after we met.

2 months into our relationship we started having sex. He could not "last" very long when we had sex. I thought well he has not "done it" for a while and we just need to do it more often for him to get back into the swing of things. This has improved some but not much.

By the time I realized that he was a "quick shooter" (about a year into the relationship...I know I know) I was already in love with him and thought this is just something we need to work on together. (neither one of us had many partners/experience before). I enjoy having "sex" with him but it does not bring me to an orgasm.

The problem is we never "make love" all we ever do/have done is have sex. The difference IMHO is sex is quick without a lot of foreplay. To Make Love - a lot of touching, passion, kissing, and just all around enjoying and connecting with each other.(OK not the best description but I think you get my point)

Don't get me wrong I do enjoy "just having sex" but sometimes I need more than just that.

I have(VERY carefully) talked to my DH about this. He said that he agrees that this is something we need to work on but when it comes down to it nothing changes. He also seems to be less and less interested in me.

When we start, anytime that I gently tell him that I would like to have foreplay he seems turned off by it. So I learned to just start giving him foreplay and just hope that he will get into it and give some back. But that does not seem to work either, he just keeps jumping to the act of having sex. If I persist at trying to have foreplay he gets cranky with me and no longer wants to do anything. If I am ever the one to start it by touching him and kissing him, he wants NOTHING to do with me! So I always have to wait for him to want it!

So should I just cut him off until he can be understanding to my needs too? I have tried this before and after about the 4th or 5th day he gets really cranky in just everyday life, so I end up giving in just to shut him up. Also this seems to be borderline with holding sex to get what I want and I don't want to be that kind of person.

I realize that people treat you the way that you let them treat you. And I have let him treat me this way for many years. But I don't know how to break the cycle!

We generally get along well. I still have other complaints about him but this is the biggest right now. and I will save them for another post. for right now we need to work on making love.

Oh and one more thing. we both seem to be very attracted to each other.

Hopefully I have given enough info on us. But feel free to ask questions.

I just want to learn how to get my husband to "make love" to me. Or maybe I need to learn something!

Please Help! I am sooo frustrated.

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Well, I wouldn't "just cut him off"-that's a power tactic and it only causes anger and division. You need to work together, not turn away from each other. So I don't have any magic answers for you, but rule that one out. My guess is that he will not do what pleases you until there is some reward in it for him. Basic behavior modification: reward the behavior that you want to see. You will probably have to start with baby steps.

    Bookmark   February 5, 2008 at 3:53PM
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I sure would cut him off. It sounds like he is either so unsure of himself that he's afraid to try anything for fear of not knowing what to do or how to do it and afraid he might mess up. Or, he does not like the thought of (or perhaps the feel of) touching a woman's genital area. He would not touch me again until he either showed some interest in learning or admits he hates a woman's body. If the latter, I have no idea what you could do about it and imagine it would be very hurtful because it renders you an object for his purpose. Up to this point, you have lived in a position of "letting him do his business" because he refuses to accept you have needs and desires and that women should have orgasms, too. No woman should allow herself to be used like that. Withholding is not a power play in this respect. It is simply taking control of your own body because he does not deserve it. 14 years is an awful long time for you to be so considerate of him, while he has zero consideration for you. Sex/lovemaking is give and take. He needs to realize that. Sounds like you need something like a sex therapist. Perhaps you can find a book or online article on the subject if he is too embarrassed to talk and participate in person.

I wish you well. I dated a guy who was like this. It was humiliating, especially since prior relationships were so good in bed. They taught me a lot and insisted that I orgasm before they did, so they applied themselves and directed their attention on me to make it happen. I married early and even that early experience with a 19 year old husband was way better than this you are going through and better than that jerk I dated for a few months. It was a couple months before we had sex. Naturally, I thought it was something we would have to work on at first. It only took a few more weeks to realize it was pointless. I totally lost respect for him and broke it off. No way was I going to allow myself to be used. You are not his furniture.

    Bookmark   March 7, 2009 at 11:49AM
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Thermometer brings up some good points -- but I have to disagree with the 'cut him off' advice.

I'm thinking that what may have started as a purely physical limitation has now progressed to an emotional and relationship issue, and that Hubby is now feeling anxious and self-conscious about his 'short-duration' and views your requests for foreplay as merely a diplomatic way of asking him to last longer... (And maybe it is -- can't exactly blame you for feeling that way.)

If he's said he is willing to explore the issue, I'd start with a doctor's appointment to make sure he's OK physically. Stress, high blood pressure, high blood sugar and any number of other medical issues can cause 'performance issues' in the bedroom. Once once he thinks he's having problems, the doubt alone magnifies the difficulties. Call the doctor ahead of time and give him the 'heads-up' of your concerns -- Hubby may be too embarrassed to discuss it. Ask the Doc to look for issues that might impact Hubby's stamina, and to evaluate Hubby for chemical assistance.

In the meantime, instead of physical foreplay (which Hubby might avoid because he fears it will hasten that which is already too quick) -- go for simple physical closeness and emotional intimacy through conversation. Fifteen minutes of talking about something pleasant and non-stressful with a little light kissing and stroking may really be all the foreplay you need, without over-exciting him.

    Bookmark   March 7, 2009 at 12:11PM
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So funny. I think you need to read her post again. Re-defining foreplay is not going to make him more willing to participate and isn't going satisfy her either. She has attempted what she wants, what foreplay is for her. What you suggest might help to get her in the mood, but it won't help with orgasm, his rejection of her, or whatever his psychological problem seems to be that he won't touch her. She will still want foreplay after that kind of pre-foreplay. Foreplay to foreplay?

I wonder what she did in the past year and if she found a solution. Or if she is still his depository.

    Bookmark   March 7, 2009 at 12:52PM
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Try the book "Couple Sexual Awareness" by Drs. Barry McCarthy and Emily McCarthy. It's a GREAT book with exercises that help couples build intimacy and connection in and out of the bedroom.

My DH and I worked with this book when we were having the same issue: quickies without really any connection or emotional satisfaction. After a while, it becomes a really hard habit to break and it can really hurt a marriage.

We would take turns reading aloud the chapters to each other and work on the exercises until we felt comfortable moving forward to the next topic/exercise. We did this for a good solid 8 months and learned a lot about each other and how we each defined sex. We also learned that sex does not necessarily mean intercourse or orgasm (either for both or one partner).

It was fun and really helped us connect. We still struggle and have a tendency to drift back into our old habits, but we now know when to recognize when things aren't as satisfiying and what to do about it.

    Bookmark   March 9, 2009 at 1:12PM
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Rosegarden - you don't have to depend on an unwilling partner or years of therapy for your Big O. Buy yourself a vibrator. Guaranteed satisfaction every time and you don't have to flatter its ego or do its laundry. Maybe he will help you with this, thus eliminating the premature ejaculation issue. Many, many couples do this, it's modern technology!

    Bookmark   March 9, 2009 at 4:28PM
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