how to talk to husband

nicole2_2009February 21, 2009

I am new to this and need advice. I am to embarassed to go to family/friends.

I am 26 my husband is 31 we have been married for almost 7 years and have 2 kids. My husband has never showed me affection outside of us having sex. I don't get any hugs or kisses or I love yous. I would complain when we first got married but he would tell me that we have sex and that is him showing affection. I was young and thought I was being to emotional. So our lives got busy and I dealt with it. I work part time and about 4 months ago I came home after having to work later than normal and the first thing he says to me is where have you been, I have never given him any reason not to trust me. I decided to stop caring, if he didn't have to show it or work at it why should I, that was 4 months ago.

I asked a few weeks ago if he was satisfied with his life, I listed things, he said no to all of them. He told me he would never be satisfied, that broke my heart and made me so unhappy. I feel guilty for being unhappy he is a good father and a good person, I don't know what to say to make him understand that he needs to show me he loves me.

sorry this is way to long.

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Did your husband come from a family that was not affectionate?

These things can be learned, but it is not comfortable.

You need dialogue for sure, but at this point he will feel defensive. You'll benefit from getting to a place where you can both talk freely without feeling manipuated or drilled -

Have you considered counseling?

    Bookmark   February 21, 2009 at 12:35PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

No they are not very affectionate or very talkative to one another. That was always a little difficult for me since my family is exactly the opposite. They have always treated me very well though I want to say.
I have thought about suggesting counseling but I am afraid of the response I would get. He would look at counseling as a negative, I would say lets see a counselor he would think she is leaving me. I know if I want change though I have to say something.
Thank you for the reply

    Bookmark   February 21, 2009 at 10:48PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Show him the way. Could you start being the way you want him to be, thereby showing him what to do ? Maybe he is really uncomfortable with showing affection.

What is his cultural background ? Different cultures act in a myriad of ways with regard to showing affection.

You say he is a good person, then you have something to work on.

Please don't fade into the background and persevere with your life with unhappiness, you deserve to be happy.


    Bookmark   February 22, 2009 at 10:11PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

The things he is unsatisfied with in life - are they things you can help with? Could you maybe begin with what he needs? You could sit down with him and say, look, we're both unhappy, what can I do to improve your situation? And then run with it. He won't trust it at first, so perservere.

It is hard to become affectionate if it feels unnatural. Takes time to adjust - so that it feels comfortable.

Does he love you?

    Bookmark   February 22, 2009 at 11:21PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Some men show affection by bringing home a paycheck, by slapping you on the a$$ or just by not leaving. Maybe he is just not verbal?

My grandmother liked to tell us about her wedding day. Just before the ceremony Granddad took her aside and said, "Now, Anna, you know I love you. I'm marrying you because I love you, so let's not ever have to discuss this again." Sixty years of successful marriage, but he never did "discuss" that again. He SHOWED her love, though, in every way. So, does he show you love in other ways?

    Bookmark   February 23, 2009 at 4:50PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I am currently separated from my husband so I'm not a great example but I can offer a small piece of advice:

Ask your husband if he will write you a letter telling you what he wants from your marriage, what he needs and what he feels is missing. Sometimes it is easier to express emotions in writing than through talking. Hopefully you can do the same thing -- you need to write down your needs as well.

I hope that seeing things on paper will help -- perhaps there are not as much wrong with your marriage as he makes it sound.

    Bookmark   February 24, 2009 at 2:22PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Sigh...why do men find it hard to show affection ?

Is it because they haven't learnt to or do they just not think that way.

I have a 16 year old son, and I am determined to let him know what women want, how they should be treated etc etc..maybe that's where it all starts.

Is it possible for a woman to live without affection, like Scarlett's gran ? But could she have been happy ?

    Bookmark   February 25, 2009 at 1:57AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Popi, I think you missed the point in a big way. Scarlett didn't say her gran lived without affection, he just didn't talk about it. A lot of men are uncomfortable talking about it.

If your partner SHOWS you affection, is considerate and makes you happy, do the words matter? I'm not talking about 'comfortable housemates' here, but real love and understanding, without words.

I know a lot of people want/need to hear it, unfortunately a lot of women, through what, insecurity, hard-wiring/genetics whatever will paint a man into a corner wanting to hear what he may feel but is uncomfortable saying. That can cause some people to react negatively, when cornered. Some people just don't like to verbalise.

It is learned behaviour to some extent and if it extends to other things (communication is, after all, important) then it's an issue, but don't expect everyone to respond in exactly the way you want them to. They are not clones of you, but individuals. Don't try to remake them in your image.

Trust your gut feelings. Do they make you happy? Are they demonstrative? Considerate? Loving in deeds? Then maybe the words are not always so important.

On the other hand if one of you is feeling uncomfortable or unhappy or unloved, then it's a problem for both of you.

My second wife and I express our love for each other pretty much every day, and mean it, and demonstrate it in gestures also. We are tactile and don't just touch/get physical when we're going to have sex. That I think is kind of key, if that's the only time there's a hug, then it's a problem.

My ex was a lot like that, when I gave her a hug most of the time her arms were folded. When I was leaving her my eldest daughter and I had a long talk, and I asked her if she'd ever seen her mother and I do the things together other mums and dads do, holding hands etc, and she thought about it and answered no, she hadn't. A big light bulb moment for her and a huge help in her accepting her stepmother. It took a few false starts but even early on, she told her that she was ok because she could see that she made me happy. That meant a lot to all of us, and now they get along very well. At times I think daughter can see the night and day difference, and at times I think wishes her mother was more like her stepmother, not to be nasty but she has deep emotional issues that she will never address.

I thoroughly recommend therapy, individually and as couples, to pretty much everyone. I think there would be very few people who wouldn't benefit.

    Bookmark   February 26, 2009 at 12:07PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Sorry to hear about your situation. My husband and I have drifted too but we are trying some new things. Dating again as we did not get to spend quality time alone without the kids. I realized that we both wanted the same things but we did not communicate that to each feel loved, appreciated, and respected. It's not easy.
This book has been very helpful to me and I hope it is for you. How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking About It by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny.

Here is a link that might be useful: how to talk to husband

    Bookmark   March 28, 2009 at 10:02AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

After 27 years of happy marriage, I have learned a few things well.
Talking to a husband is not like talking to a girlfriend. Remember, they use up their word allotment usually in a day at work, so they aren't talkative at home. On the other hand, my husband loves stories about other men who have problems with their projects. He won't be nearly so happy about my issues, because he'll think he will have another thing to fix!!! (and that is the truth)
Rule one, don't act distressed when he first arrives. Save your distress stories till both of you are relaxed with funny stories about other people, cute things the kids did, etc.
Rule two, if he doesn't initiate hugs and kisses, then you can tell him, "right now, I NEED a hug" and have a happy smile. This works for setting up further action, too.
Rule three, guys say stupid things, just like girls can say them. Don't take everything as permanent.
Rule four, a great advice I got early on: always put any request he makes at the top of YOUR to do list. He'll notice that and appreciate it. And it pays in dividends in his attitude towards anything you might do poorly.
Rule five: ENJOY your husband and let him be a man!

    Bookmark   April 16, 2009 at 7:00PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Stocktongal, interesting but I don't know how accurate. Re: Rule Four-I've done that for 20 years, to absolutely NO AVAIL!!!

I've also let him be a man (if by that you mean bad manners), but it makes no difference.

He ignores me in every way possible, is a pain in the butt, and constantly puts me down. Perhaps he thinks same about me, but I would be better off alone after 2 decades of being ignored. Your rules have not worked for me at all.

    Bookmark   April 24, 2009 at 10:38PM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
Fed up and frustrated
I feel very frustrated and fed up with my marriage....
Why do marriages go stale?
Senario: two people in their 50+ meet, both from loveless,...
Age Difference
I posted this on the Parents Forum but it was suggested...
Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated
Hi, I am really grateful for finding this forum. I...
Intimacy Issues
My wife and I married at the age of 16, we were pregnant...
People viewed this after searching for:
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™