michiganagainJanuary 19, 2009

found emails between my husband and an escort. this turned out to be only the tip of the iceberg. he had been seeing prostitutes for 2 1/2 years -- about 7 different women.

to make matters worse, he posted reviews of these prostitutes online on an escort review website so now i know every single detail of what he did with each of these women.

i was shocked, absolutely shocked. the man i married was so opposed to infidelity that he would fume if people even hinted toward it.

he says he has an addictive personality and doesn't understand why he did this. he's going to a psychatrist and wants me to go to marriage counseling with him.

has anyone out there been through anything like this (on either side)? i don't know what to think, how to even think about a future with him but part of me has loved him for so long that i'm petrified at the idea of leaving him.

to put a bit of brief detail into the story, we have been married for 10 years and have a 2 year old son. i never, ever refused sex and often pleaded with him to fool around.

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I don't really know what to say that would comfort you but just wanted you to know that you stumbled across a very supportive & helpful group here.

Seems you are kind of shell shocked at the moment. Perhaps counseling seperately first so you can get your feelings out in a safe place without feeling pressured to forgive him right away. Maybe after a little time you two might find a way back to each other, but first you need to figure out what you want to do without his input at the start of this.

It's all just so hurtful. I wish you the best. Some couples come out of it stronger so never say never.
I know how you feel about the petrified part. I am preparing to move out of my DH's home after 8 yr.s and am afraid I'll just get more depressed. Change can be scary, even good change.
Hugs Xox


    Bookmark   January 20, 2009 at 12:36AM
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Do get yourself checked for STDs. Some of them can be symptomless.

    Bookmark   January 20, 2009 at 4:26AM
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Assuming this post is legit.....If this isn't a deal-breaker, I can't imagine what would be.

    Bookmark   January 20, 2009 at 11:21AM
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I would kick him out of there so fast the door would still be swinging. Seriously - he'd be gone and would have divorce papers as soon as I could get them drawn up.

He violated your marriage contract and is now whining that it's not his fault because he has an addictive personality. Of course it's his fault! He's just trying to get your sympathy. There are people all over the place who deal with their cravings because they know they're destructive. Your husband is not one of them.

He's a loser and has disrespected you in a vile way. Why would you stand for it? If you want to let him do the "poor me, I couldn't help it" bit, go right ahead, but don't be surprised when he keeps doing it.

    Bookmark   January 20, 2009 at 12:49PM
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I'm just wondering why you are still with him, are you out of your mind???? You could have aids, if not now, maybe next time, and there will be next time.

    Bookmark   January 20, 2009 at 4:31PM
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Agree with others. 7 prostitutes? By now you can have a number of STDs that you do not even know about.
make sure you have evidence of all his escort activities, you'll need it in divorce proceeding and fighting for custody. Print all those evidences out and put in a safe place and contact your attorney ASAP.

cat, you got to be kidding me. never say never? he had 7 prostitutes that she knows off (probably more that she does not know about), he put her and their son in danger of all kind of disease. this is NEVER big time.

    Bookmark   January 20, 2009 at 7:39PM
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There ARE people with legitimate sexual addictions. And heroin addictions, alcohol addictions, etc. etc. It is a very hard situation for the addict and a worse one for their loved ones. The question is, do you want to walk that path? Do you want your child to walk it? Would you ever feel safe again making love with him, all the while wondering if you are getting aids, herpes, or HIV transmitted to your body right that minute. There is no really "safe sex" that is 100% effective in preventing STDs, there is only "safer" sex.

    Bookmark   January 20, 2009 at 8:17PM
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As Scarlett said "There is no really "safe sex" that is 100% effective in preventing STDs, there is only "safer" sex."


and in three months...


and in another three months... and at the end of the year... and in another year...

AIDS can not show up for a long time.

Do you really want to be with someone who would put your health at risk? I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   January 21, 2009 at 10:51AM
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You know you are right for some reason I was thinking some marriages work through cheating issues but honestly hadn't reflected on or realized the prostitutes part. Agreed get yourself checked for Std,s per guidelines @ then guess you have to decide if you want to risk your life like this. Remember you have children depenDing on their mother being around. I'm so sorry, I can't imagine how painful this discovery must be.

    Bookmark   January 21, 2009 at 1:44PM
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thanks for the feedback and the outrage. i want people to be angry with me, for me...

he's out of the house and seeing a therapist-- hopefully for the rest of his life.

both getting tested. can't believe this is my life.

    Bookmark   January 22, 2009 at 11:27AM
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Hi Michigan,
I am angry with you, and I am angry for you. I have been betrayed (by my ex-husband) and I know this is a really hard time in your life. Don't take his indiscretions personally. You may want to see a therapist too. We don't always get what we expect, but sometimes what happens after makes the pain worth living through. Although I didn't feel like it at the time I'm now thankful that my ex did something so terrible that I was able to get a divorce without feeling guilt or remorse. I am free to continue my life.

I wish you the best. Please check in and let us know how you are doing,

    Bookmark   January 23, 2009 at 1:49PM
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I bet you are shell shocked... I'd hold off on any permnament decisions until you collect all the truth. After you had time to think clearly.. move forward knowing you are making the right step and do not look back.

My guess is this situation will never allow you two to get back together. If that's the case you'll need closure and at the same time you'll always have a relationship with this man. He is the father of your children.

But for now relax and seize control of your own life and find new anchors to stabilize yourself. It won't be easy but in time it'll seem like it is.

    Bookmark   January 23, 2009 at 6:19PM
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I don't think those of you out there that are telling this person to end a life with a person she loves is being a little harsh.
so if her husband was having an affair with a coworker would also need to be checked for STDs? which is worse seeing an escort or having an affair?
sex can be just that sex without emotion is what men do best. there is little lust in a marriage, sometimes men crave lust and animal attraction. Prostitution is not the worldÂs oldest profession for no reason you know.
personally, if the sex in a marriage can't be talked about or even expanded upon then life with that partner could be over or, open up the marriage and allow others to join in the bedroom>?

    Bookmark   January 25, 2009 at 2:27AM
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To me there's a difference in a person having an affair and using hookers. The more people you have sex with the more at risk you are and your spouse. An affair seems to me about emotions and caring, being with a hooker is just about sex, sneaking around, hiding in cheap motels and risking arrest.

    Bookmark   January 25, 2009 at 6:09PM
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RUN!! Run right to the dr. and get tested for EVERYTHING! Then continue running right into a good attorneys office.

DO NOT feel bad for this man because he claims to be "addicted" to anything. Not your problem-it is his! He can work through it with a psychaitrist but you need to get rid of him.

He put your life and your childs life in danger. It was selfish and irresponsible and careless. He did it not once, but SEVEN times!!!

If he is so "addicted" to this I guarantee he will slip up again as any addict does. You do not deserve that. I understand after 10 years it may be hard to be done with someone but you just have to be strong, if not for yourself then do it for your child!

    Bookmark   January 25, 2009 at 9:40PM
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Chazlie, I'm guessing you are a man?

"if her husband was having an affair with a coworker would also need to be checked for STDs?" Yes, of course. Herpes, Aids and HIV can happen to anybody. And they don't go away.

"sex can be just that sex without emotion is what men do best. there is little lust in a marriage, sometimes men crave lust and animal attraction." Uh huh, but he is endangering her health and maybe her life. Plus if he can't handle monogamy - and I know a lot of people can't -then he should be man enough to be honest with her before he steps outside the marriage. Your post kind of smacks of "Boys will be boys" and that is so old hat.

P.S. Plenty of "Lust" in my marriage. We call it sexual compatibility.

    Bookmark   January 26, 2009 at 5:18PM
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Thank heavens, found out he is CLEAN and I am clean as well.

Started couple's therapy today. So weird. Thank you for the support. No idea what will happen with my life.

I know this will sound weird but knowing about the prostitutes, knowing about the infidelities is SO much better than not knowing what was going on. I have been confused, angry and resentful for 4 years now -- looking back, I can't believe how much I had grown to hate the man I married.

Not that there is any excuse for his behavior, not that I will ever consider forgiving him but at least I have a sense of peace in my life now. Knowing is always better.

    Bookmark   February 3, 2009 at 2:29PM
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I can appreciate your feelings as I just recently had the same revelation about my husband of ten years. The best resource that I have come across is a website by Dr. Frank Gunzburg. It helped me.

Here is a link that might be useful: escorts

    Bookmark   March 30, 2009 at 1:15PM
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