How do you know when marriage is over?
I've been doing a lot of thinking and am wondering for those who have divorced, or thought of it, how you knew it was over or not?
Married 10 years
I am 31, he is 32 - got married right after college.
I work full time and make $75k
He is self employed and before his business loan brings home $12k, but his loan is $8k. This is per year. So $4k per year for a whole lot of effort!!
We are having to declare bankruptcy due to the income from his business goining from $60k to $12k. This is due to poor customer service and not seeking out new accounts.
We live an hour from our parents, which is important to know later.
We own our house and have no equity due to the SBA loan. It also has construction defects that will cost $30k to fix.
The SBA loan payment and mortgage alone total $3k. SBA has five more years left on it.
I leave for work in the morning...he is in bed. I come home from work at 6:30pm....he is playing with the Zune his mom gave him for XMAS. He has no work until mid March and hasn't looked for a temp or part time job. I found him a part time temp job at my work, which he complained about, but it ended in Dec. He isn't making sales calls, redesigning his website, etc. Just playing. He did do the dishes and laundry though. Which is something...but its not consistent and he could have cleaned the entire house in 4 hours. Do I just have too high of expectations?
I mentioned to him that I could possibly get a job paying quite a bit more and it would require us to move a state awayabout 6 hours. My sister and her family lives there, so we wouldn't be all alone in a new city. He feels like he would be abandoning his mom and grandma. They have an interesting relationship. I found a letter from his mom a few years ago saying she wished she could have her kids back at homeÂhis sister is 36. I think he would probably choose her over me if there was a choiceÂsuch as moving for a better job. I told him she could visit anytimeÂheck I wouldnÂt care if she stayed with us if that was needed. Its notÂshe is in good health at 64. And she lived all over the US when she was our ageÂhis dad was a pilot.
I have asked him to dump the business and go back to work. He could earn 40 to 60k per year.
I also suggested selling our home and renting so we could pay off the SBA loan of $55k. The home is in my name only as my income and credit was better. Our payment would go from $3k to $1300 a month.
On all counts, he doesnÂt want to do any of itÂjust to keep doing what we are doing. Its all so depressing.
I/We want to have a child someday (early menopause runs in the familyÂmy mom went through the "change" at 35 and my dr said I should plan on it at 35ish, so I have 3-4 more years left!) and at this rate we never are going to have our lives together. He said if we have a baby he would go back to work. But at the same time he says he wants to be a stay at home dad. I just donÂt get it. I would like him to be a stay at home dad once we get the bills paid off, but that wonÂt happen without him taking a job now.
I feel like I am his momÂpaying all the bills..etc.
He is always asking to buy non necessitiesÂclothes, CDs, dinner, etc. Or online porn! I think last year he spent $2k on it. We have no money and it makes me so mad!!
Then he complains about how I lookÂI am 5Â11 and a size 10 which I think is fine. I am trying to get down to a 8. Or tonight, my underwear isnÂt sexy enough (Its Victoria Secret) or my clothes not Stylish enough Â I wear Banana Republic mostly to work and he would prefer Bebe. Of course I get all this on clearance during the big sales or clothes on ebay.
Then there is sex. I have a problem called volvodyniaÂit can be very painful to have sex. I take medicine for it and go to PT and its getting better, but to be honest, I donÂt feel much like having sex due to all the other problems we are having. I also suffer from depression and take a SSRI which does decrease libido. Its hard to get in the mood when I feel like I am just a meal ticket.
We talked about getting a divorce a few months back but we decided we love each other and didnÂt want to be failures Â most of my family is divorced and his parents divorced after 20 years. Interesting, from what he and his mom have told me, he is a lot like his dad and I am a lot like his mom. She was the responsible one, always taking care of everything, finding him jobs, etc.
They broke up because he basically had a long term gf in another city and his mom told him to get out. I donÂt think my husband is having an affairÂother than online porn Â he says he is addicted. I just want him to get motivated and grow up. I have been waiting and waiting and nothing is happening. I know its not the worst marriageÂ.my dad physically abused my mom, wouldnÂt pay child support, is in jail for drugs, etc. So, I know compared to that I have it good. But, can I live like this for another 10, 20, 30 years?
How do you know when its over? Any advice?