What constitutes mental or emothinal abuse?

avajoJanuary 11, 2006

I am afraid that this is going to be very long as I try to explain what my husband does to me. I had my mind made up that he was mentally abusive to me, but my sister has made me doubt myself.She means well and I know she is just trying to help, but she has put the doubt there , by asking me stuff like : are you sure that you don't want to try to make it work? Have you thought about how hard it is to raise kids alone and make a living on your on? Sometimes being with someone is better than not having anyone, so make sure you know what you are doing before you leave. Stuff like that , and this after I have called her many times, crying on her shoulder, and telling her one time how hard it was not to run my van into a tree to try to end it all. She has told me she will come get me but has told me to call her back after I have thought long and hard. So I thought about it and called and told her I was sure, and she starts with the questions again. So, maybe ya'll will be kind enough to help me figure out if this is mental abuse, or if I am too sensitive. I will try to explain and please forgive that it is so long.

Whenever anyone meets my husband they like him right away because hes such a great guy, in front of people. So I am scared that a judge would not believe me, and take my children away. He has been married 5 other times and all the women gave up child support and he gave up visataion, if he would just stay away from them. Okay, this is what he does too me.

He blames everything on me. No matter what happens ,you know just day to day stuff, it is my fault. If the kids get sick, it was because I didn't wrap them up good enough,if it rains I should have told him it was gonna rain so he could roll his windows up, if he has a flat, I should have reminded him to check his tires. This is constant never ending tirade. All day long,24/7. When the boys are bad (they are 4 and 5 ) it is because I let them, and he tells them, "you're just like your mama,lazy, don't listen, messy, late, hardheaded..." Just insert any word into the blank to fit whatever behaviour they are doing, and its because of me.

He has me pay all the bills, take the cars for the oilchanges, call the drs , call and make his appointments and even stuff like if he calls a friend or relative he has me call the number for him. I have come to believe that he has me do everything so that he can blame me if stuff doesn't go right, but really it doesn't matter because even if things do go right, he twists it into something else so that he can holler at me about it.

Also I need to tell you that I am very good to him. I run his bathwater, his meals are always on time and usually carried to him so he can watch tv, I lay out his clothes,bring him his aspirin, the list could go on and on. He has never so much as made me a cup of coffee. Even when I had a c-section 1 week after the last son was born , when he came in the door he said,"Whats for supper?"

He does not take out the trash, or clean the yard or play with the boys. He doesn't read to them, or interact with them except to scream shutup cause he cant hear the tv. If a piece of furniture has to be moved he will hear me moving it and grunting and never offer to help. Our mailbox would not stay standing and I had to get a 5 gallon buckets and fill it with concrete to make it stay up. He watched tv while i did this. I had a hard time getting it back to the corner, because I put the concrete in it at the house , and then had to figure a way to lift it into the truck after (and it weighed a ton). After i had finished his only contribution was to say,"you stupid bimbo, you should have carried the water and concrete to the corner and mixed it there."

He gets very angry if he has to do anything. 5 year old asked him to fix his tv tonight, and he was in the bedroom for a whole minute when I heard him scream, You're just like your mama, you won't _ucking leave stuff alone!" I went to see what was wrong and the problem was that the cable wire was off and he was gonna have to twist it back on. I told him just to go out and I would fix it, which I did.

Whenever we have any problem that he thinks I cant fix, he tells me call a plumber, call so and so, and he knows we dont have the money. Our hot water tank went out and he said call a plumber. The plumber said he would charde 100 dollars to set it. We didnt have the money so I went to Lowes and bought it and read the manual and installed it myself. Which wasnt easy-it was an electric one and I had to hook up the 220 and plus it was so heavy I thought it was gonna breal my back getting it in the house. He never even tries to do stuff. When he came home I was proud and I told him I had fixed it myself and he said, "You ought to do something around here worth a _hit." Oh yes, I forgot to tell you, in adition to having a 4 and 5 year old and doing all the maintenance on cars and house, I also have to work.

I do not tell him the truth about bills anymore as I am scared too. He freaks out everytime a bill comes in (and I am talking about ordinary bills like electric and water ) and screams that he is tired of never having any money cause he has to spend it all taking care of us. So I just try to hide them until I can get them paid.

One time he rans us off the road into another car on purpose in a fit of anger. I do not fight with him anymore because it never helps. I dont take up for myself. I just let him say whatever he wants and hope that he will soon hush and leave me alone. I havnt left because I havnt had the money for a divorce or anywhere to go and afraid he would find us and do crazy stuff like getting the boys in the car and running it off the road. Also, the boys love him and it hurts me to think about being the cause of taking them away from him. They love him because he is their daddy and they don't know any better. We used to go to church but i refused to go anymore because I could not stand the hypocripcy of him going and smiling and everyone ther thinking he was so good and nice and then coming home and him screaming and cussing at us. Oh there are so many crazy things he does I could right a book and you probaly think I already have so I'll try to stop here. All I know is that he makes me not want to live anymore and I love my little boys so much that I cant even put an end to my life to stop this misery. I have no feelings for him but try to do whatever he wants so that he will be happy and leave me alone but it never works. And please do not ask me to talk to him about this because I have tried and all he says is "You stupid *itch, Im good to you" Maybe he is talking about the fact that he does his job for his small ammount he makes, and doesnt drink or smoke. I guess thats what he means. Couseling is not an option either as ther is no money at all for that. He has bankrupcy and they take it straight out of his pay and hardly any left. So with what I make we have about 300 a week to live on. But he insist on cable with every channel, cell phone and a brand new truck. Thats just off the top of my head. Then he hands me his 150 a week and expects me to pay everything and that drives me crazy too because I can't . I have to juggle this juggle that. I told him once that we couldnt have all that stuff that he couldn't have everything he wanted and he said that I had better see to it that he got what he wanted and that everything was paid because that was what I was for. Well I didnt mean to write so much and sorry its so long. Maybe someone can help.............

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I see that I made a lot of typo's and misspelled emotional. Sorry, I hope it's not hard to read.I also meant to mention that this man is the kind of man that says baby this and baby that to me in front of people so that everyone thinks hes wonderful. And the few times I have told him that I would leave he has said that if I leave I leave with only the clothes on my back because nothing is mine not even the kids. Also he never wants to see me sittins. When I do sit down he says shouldn't you be doing the dishes or or you gonna clean the bathroom -on and on and on. The only reason I was a ble to stay here this long and write this is because he went to walmart.

    Bookmark   January 11, 2006 at 11:08PM
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Been there - done that.

I don't think there is any doubt in your mind. You didn't get support from your sister so you came here for it. But you know the truth.

I would STRONGLY suggest that you and your children go to a women's shelter - you can find them in the phone book or the police can direct you to one. There you will get the support you need. I also suggest that you print all of this down and take it with you. You have organized your thoughts and problems in this post so that they can be given to a case worker/attorney/judge whatever.

You need help to deal with this person - don't try to go it alone.

    Bookmark   January 12, 2006 at 6:37AM
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My first thought was a women's shelter as well. Grab the kids and go. Pack clothes for you and the kids and leave when he is not around. This has gone so far that it is unlikely it can be reversed. I expect it started with little things that you tolerated and just kept on going until you are finally where you are now.

Your sister is probably afraid to get involved, and as long as he is not physically abusing you, she probably thinks things are okay.

He's been married 5 times before? He must be a charmer to start with, but there is obviously something wrong.

Leave as soon as you can. Don't tell the kids anything until you are walking out the door. No sense in tipping your husband off.

    Bookmark   January 12, 2006 at 8:24AM
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Children learn what they live. In other words, by allowing them to live in that environment, they in all likely hood grow up and treat their wifes just as he treats you.
He is abusing you and your children. If you love them, get them out of that house for good and don't look back.
and do print this screen, in cause you find yourself getting weak, re-read what a joy he makes your life and get tough all over again.

good luck, it can be done. i was in your shoes once too.


    Bookmark   January 12, 2006 at 9:19AM
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I would do like the previous 5 wives have done and leave. If you are wife #6, he hasn't learned anything from his previous marriages. I would also give up child support so that my children would not have to be subjected to him on weekends. No amount of money (and child support isn't that much) would be worth him being able to be abusive to your children and probably bad mouth you to them. I disagree with your sister about being with someone is better than being with no one. I would rather be alone than be with him. If someone doesn't enhance your life but only makes it miserable, you shouldn't be around them. And if he has made you think it would be easier to drive your van into a tree, then he is making your life hell. Things will get better once you get him out of your life.

    Bookmark   January 12, 2006 at 9:31AM
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I have also been there. Actually am there again and trying to get the nerve to leave. I know how hard it is, but run, run, and never look back!
You are in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you strength to do what you have to do right now. It will be very hard, but please, for the sake of your boys, get out now.


    Bookmark   January 12, 2006 at 12:23PM
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Thank all of you for your replies and support.I have thought of some things I wanted to add and clarify. The other wives didn't leave him-he left them. He always left for another woman. The longest he stayed was a year. They just didn't fight him when he was ready to leave, they let him go and was probaly glad. I know this from what his brothers and sisters have told me , and also his mom and dad before they passed away. He seems to get tired of things very quickly , including relationships. He will want a different truck soon, and if we arn't moving he is always looking in the paper for other houses.Always above our means.We have been married longer than he ever has,11 years. But he did cheat on me at first, but I, being stupid , fought for him and won. Goody goody. Of course he always said I was crazy and that he didn't do anything, because I didn't catch him in bed with them. The kind of things that happened were-well one time he and I were both cna's at a nursing home. This girl started working there and I began to notice she would stare at me when she walked by and snicker with whoever she was walking with. Then one night after his break,when he came back in, it looked like he had lipstick on. He said I was stupid , that it was cherry cough drops. Well, a couple night after that,he got a call at work. He was working on one floor and I on the other. They paged him to go to the phone and I started to pick it up and the nurse said I wouldn't do that. Maybe she knew something I didn't know. Anyway, I picked the phone up and I heard a woman say his name and say that she just had to talk to him, that she couldn't stand it. He told her that to hush in case I was listening, and that he told her not to call him at work. Well , I went right then and confronted him. He said he didn't know what she wanted and it wasn't his fault. Well, I walked out and quit and he followed. Went to work at another nursing home and same thing happened, only with a different girl, but also the first girl followed us and got a job at the new nursing home also. Well, anyway this happened two more times at two more places, basicaly same thing, different girls. I left him a couple times because of it, but he never left like he did with the others.

I always took him back though,and he always said it wasn't his fault, they were following him,etc and that he hadn't really done anything, and until I caught him in bed with someone, I couldn't say he had done anything. But there are other places to have sex than in a bed. For example, the first girl,was the cleaning person at the nursing home. It was an old nursing home and the laundry room was a seperate building. She had the keys to that because she was the cleaning lady. I don't know for sure that they did it , but she was familar enough with him to think she just had to talk to him, you know? Anyway, it was easier to leave back then because we didn't have children yet.

I also probaly need to tell you that we arn't spring chickens. I am 49 and he is 47 now. I had the two boys when I was 44 and 45. So it isn't that I am looking for someone else. I would be happy just to be left alone.

See even now as I type this I keep getting up and looking out the window, afraid that he will come home and catch me sitting. He has never left work early but you never know.......... and I forgot to mention that he works what is called the weekend shift-which is Thursday,Friday and Saturday. So he is home all those other days, going at me over and over with his words. I don't get much relief from him.

I also used to love decrating my house, and made every place we lived pretty and comfortable. But I don't care too much anymore. I just can't seem to get up the will to do much, but of course about an hour before he comes home , I'll rush around and make everything clean on top, or else I'll catch it. I don't wear makeup anymore or care what I put on. Most of the time I don't even comb my hair anymore. Thank God it's short. It is getting where it takes extreme effort to take a shower anymore.

It is not physical abuse, although he has blacked my eyes a long time ago when we were fighting about the girl at work. But I am always afraid he might , because he seems crazy sometimes and also because of stuff like running the car into the other one that time. When I'm not working I wonder around town in the junk stores like Salvation army , and buy stuff. It seems that makes me feel better. Then I feel guilty about the money I spent. I am not talking about big money. Im talking maybe 20 dollars a week. I never buy myself new stuff. I buy clothes and shoes or things for the house at salvation army,but still feel quilty for spending that little bit. The kids or him dont suffer because of this. All there stuff is new.

Sometimes I tell myself that he really does love me as much as he is capable of loving someone, because he stayed with me longer than he did anyone else. And I used to feel sorry for him, and think he couldn't help it and maybe he can't. But it isn't my fault that he is sick or whatever is wrong with him. I sit here and see myself sitting here 10 or 15 years from now, with the boys gone, so that I don't even have that pleasure anymore, writing the same letters, to a different forum, a bitter old woman. I have kind of had a hard life-my first husband was a n acoholic and I had 4 little boys back then. I stayed with him all those years, but told him I would leave wheb the boys were grown, if he didn't quit. He never did quit, and I left, but I left with still love in my heart for him.
I do not love this one anymore, but at one time I worshipped the ground he walks on. I have enough sense to know that , even though I don't love him, I may miss him at first, because you miss anything that you are used to having around for years, even a wart on your nose that you hate. At first, even though I was realizing that I didn't love him anymore, I would still feel a pang of tenderness, say like when I looked at pictures of him holding our sons right after they were born. Now I can look at those pictures and feel nothing at all for him. I used to be happy. Even when I lived with the alcoholic husband, I had the boys and hobbies and loved to read. I kept myself busy. He drank but he left me alone-didn't nag me at all. and when he wasn't drinking (few and far between) we had a lot of fun and always got along. I don't do my hobbies anymore, very seldom read. I can't seem to concentrate on anything like that. Besides, it seems to make him mad if he sees me bring a book or magazine home. He tells me I've already got books.

I pray to God that I have strength to do this, and do not find myself sitting here, years from now, with a stone for a heart. And I am not trying to get anyone to feel sorry for me. I am just trying to explain. Despite being poor, despite my first husband drinking I have always been happy. I look back on my life and wouldn't have changed a thing. I am very close to my grown boys. I feel like they are mine and noone elses-feel like I raised them alone and they are mine!
We have a very close bond. I love them and the two baby boys more than anything in the world, and for that my life has been worthwhile. However, I can not go to them with this. I don't want them to be upset, I don't want to be near enough to him for him to find me. And besides , if I told them they would probaly come over here and kill him. But I know they suspect stuff cause they say little things to me and ask me questions that I try to avoid, and I know they don't like him, but are respectful to him, because I raised them to be kind to other people.

Anyway, I have set here and done it again,talked too long..............

    Bookmark   January 12, 2006 at 1:19PM
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One more thing,then I promise I'll stop. He always wants to eat out a lot, a whole lot , and buy this and buy that, and if he doesn't get what he wants he throws ungodly fits. So I always just go along with whatever he wants, and then try to pay the bills with whats left, and its never enough. And then he would throw screaming fits if something wasn't paid , and say that he makes enough to pay everything and have everything he wants , and what did I do with his money and on and on and on.the money I earn is never mentioned unless my work slows down, then he starts about that. A long time ago, I used to try to show him what we make and what we owe , but he would throw fits and scream that he didn't care about that *hit, that just make sure that everything is paid and he had what he wants. So then sometimes I will lie and say things are paid when they

arn't so he won't throw a fit, and then struggle like hell to get them paid before they get turned off. I am always scared to death they will get disconnected before I get them paid because if they did, well I think he would kill me. When he throws a fit, boy.he's 6 foot 4 inches-240 lbs-with a big deep voice and when he screams I can feel and hear my ears crinkle inside.sometimes I think I would do anything not to hear him scream............. For some reason it wouldnt let me post this under my other message..sorry

    Bookmark   January 12, 2006 at 1:57PM
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Please...no matter how tough things are, or how tough they get, do not do anything that would harm yourself, and leave your beautiful children with THAT man. You have GOT to be strong for them. My guess is that he grew up in a home, where his parents did this to him. And he is re-playing the record. He must be aware that he is doing it, because he acts so differently when people are around. Can you start saving up money on the side, so that you have cash when and if you feel that you are ready to take that step? Also, in some areas, if you check with the state bar association, some states do have attorney's who offer their services free to people who do not have the money to pay them.
Perhaps when you are alone you can talk to someone at the womens abuse shelter, and ask some questions. like how long you and the boys can stay there, and at what point do they help you and the boys to find a permanent place to stay, and do they help financially until you get on your feet. I imagine that they offer free counceling, and help you get back on your feet on your own. Do they have attorneys who will help you? As the others have said, down load this when you are ready, because you have described your situation very well, and we feel for you.
If I were walking in your shoes, I would quietly start putting money aside. I think that as I started to see that money add up, it would give me a feeling of hope in the future again, and a light at the end of the tunnel. I would know then that this wasn't "forever" and that when I was ready, life would be different, and I would feel some sence of control over my life and my future. So instead of wasting money, which further "traps" you...set goals of what you can quietly save to give you a life mission (right now, while things feel so discouraging) and a future to look forward to. I wish you happier times ahead! good luck and hand in there for your beautiful children!

    Bookmark   January 12, 2006 at 1:57PM
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It is time for this child to grow up and be a man. After reading your last post, I would hand him everything for paying the bills, and tell him in no uncertain terms that from this day on, HE is going to pay the bills, and here is the calculator. He will learn real quick about how much money there actually is, and what needs to be paid, and with WHAT is he going to pay it with.
On the other hand, he will be looking for YOUR paycheck too, and you will have to get into the habit of cashing it ahead of time, so that you can start saving and holding back some of your cash for your future escape fund should you need one. maybe you should get a saftey deposit box at the bank and keep your paystubs and the cash you are saving in it.

    Bookmark   January 12, 2006 at 2:44PM
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I don't mean to have a comeback for everything, and you all have been very kind and right with your suggestions. I agree with everything you all have said. But he refuses to pay the bills. I tried to get him to. I think he likes it that way, because he knows it cant be done and him have everything he wants, but somehow I manage. So if he refuses, then he still gets what he wants, I get them paid somehow and he still gets to throw fits. We are talking about a man that does NOTHING but his job. He walks in the door, sits down and watches tv, I tote him his supper, and than after I get everything ready he takes his showere, then tranfers to the bed to watch tv. This is all he does, even on his days off. And stuff like cutting the grass in the summer time, he would stare out the window for weeks and talk about how he needs to cut the grass, until I get tired of hearing it and either cut it myself or hire it done. And besides, the couple times he cut it himself, he threw such a fit if he found something in the grass like a toy or whatever and had to bend over and pick it up , that I would rather do it myself. And he also had to take breaks about every 15 minutes, saying he got too hot, and have ice water be toted to him and be fanned. And he would raNT AND RAVE ABOUT HOW HE HAD TO GET A RIDING MOWER, HE WAS GETTING TO OLD TO DO THAT, HE MAKES ENOUGH MONEY HE SHOULD BE ABLE TO HIRE IT DONE, AND ON AND ON , like I say I would rather cut it myself.

    Bookmark   January 12, 2006 at 3:15PM
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I entered a previous post at 13:57 (at the exact moment you entered a post earlier today.) Reread that post and let me know what you think, especially the last 6 lines. I think it will shine a light at the end of the tunnel, and give you hope that you do have choices and options. I think that depression sets in when we have lost hope that things will change. But through small steps, change can come about.

    Bookmark   January 12, 2006 at 4:12PM
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I really got sick reading your post so i stopped before i came over there and beat the hell out your husband myself. bottom line is you are a doormat and he wiping his filthy feet on your heart and emotional stability everyday and will for as long as you stay with him and allow him too. Dont listen to your sister, get the heck out of there with your kids. The judge will see right through him. Get some counseling for yourself, reclaim yourself as a person then as a woman and as the mother of Gods gifts to you, your children, and develop some faith in GOD he will be on your side and get you through this, this man has stripped you of your basic rights to be treated like a human being, you cant be a good example to your children allowing this to go on because you are empty inside because you allowed that man to steal your identity and self worth, leave for your children, so you can raise them in a good environment and get the emotional help that you need to build yourself back up and so you can show and teach your kids how a woman is supposed to be treated, if you have boys and you stay there they will turn out just like your husband and some other poor woman will go through what you are going through and i hope you dont have girls because you are showing them how to be a doormat and they will grow up and pick up a bum just like your husband, bottom line get the hell out of there and take what little self respect you still have . sorry for being so harsh but you need someone to tell you the truth and not sugar coat whats going on. the only answer in your case is to get out because this goes beyond abuse

    Bookmark   January 13, 2006 at 5:06PM
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No need to apologize for posting again with more information! Your husband has probably told you how bad you are so many times that it takes a real effort even to express your point of view in this forum. But we are all sympathetic here.

I just wanted to say that a woman is in the greatest danger when she leaves an abusive husband, so even if your sister would come and pick you up, it would not be a smart thing to have her do because your husband would know where to find you. I don't think I would even tell her you are going until you do it, and I wouldn't tell her or other people where you are going to stay, until well after your husband has calmed down. You have said how charming he can be, and he might well convince someone to let him find you so he "can apologize," or "tell you how much he loves you."

He has a good thing going now, with his every need being met. Considering his age and the time you have been together (in contrast to his brief marriages with his other 5 wives), it is entirely likely that he will be very upset indeed if he loses you. So if you decide to leave, prepare well and be very careful. By that, I mean, keep your plans a secret. Make sure he can't find your e-mails, for instance, and go to a safe house for abused women. Let us know if you ever decide to take action. You are basically a cheerful and kind person who could have a happy rest of her life, and I hope you and your sons will be happy.

    Bookmark   January 13, 2006 at 6:50PM
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Hello everybody. bnicebkind-I reread your post and everything you say makes perfect sense. My sister told me to do the same thing, a long time ago. I just never had much to save-but if I had of started doing that several years ago- even at 5 bucks a week0 I would have alot by now.

biwacko-one reason that I wanted my sister to come get me is because she lives in Louisanna. I live in Arkansas. I thought that maybe if I was that far away, and when he called to see if I was there, and she kept saying I wasn't , that he wouldn't come that far.

rosewood-thank you for caring enough to beat him up for me!

Everyday I think of more stuff that he does to me. One thing I esp. hate is that when I work on something really hard, he always tells me what else I need to do. For example: If I clean out and organize something, like maybe the shed, when he looks at it he tells me, "You need to do that to the laundrey room." If I clean out and organize the bathroom cabinet,"you need to do the drawers." Never a word of encouragement.
The work I do is freelance or I guess you would say independent contractor. Sometimes, when jobs are reallt coming in , I make big checks. If I get a reallt big check, when I show him he says, "Well, you need to do that every week."
My work has really fell off in the past 6 months or so. How much work I get is directly related to how much I pursue jobs, so I really think it's my fault that I have not had many jobs lately. I think I have given up. Also , it is hard to go out and contract jobs, and go fulfil them when you don't even feel like brushing your hair.
On the bright side, not IF but WHEN I leave , I can do my work, wherever I'm at.

It has reallt touched my heart, reading all of your replies. You are all strangers to me, but the nature of a woman is to be kind hearted, and you all care what happens to me and my boys, even though you've never met me. Thank you all.

P.S.- Wish I could change that emothinal in the title-sounds like I have a lisp! Everyone have a great Saturday.

    Bookmark   January 14, 2006 at 6:58AM
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jeez- I was typing in the dark-the t is right next to the y-they should reallY move it.................

    Bookmark   January 14, 2006 at 7:01AM
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He is absolutely abusing you mentally and emotionally. Been there too. He will not change and he will only get worse, and yes, you will be that shell of a person 15 years from now, wondering how and why you wasted your precious life on him.

Please, go to a women's shelter and at least talk to someone. You don't have to recount everything he does - just an overview. They've heard it all many times, and it's essentially the same sad story. But they can help you start making a plan to get out. Many shelters not only give you a place to stay, they help find you a new job.

A very good forum is at www.divorceonline.com

People there have walked in your shoes and can give you very valuable advice.

I have a concern --- he is home a lot when you are not. Which means he can look around in your computer and see where you've been if you don't cover your tracks. Like clearing the cache, cookies, etc. If you don't know how to do these things, you must learn. Even if you don't think he's capable of figuring it out, be safe and cover your tracks. The computer forum on this site can give you specific instructions.

Also set up an email he doesn't know about and make that the
email address connected to this site and the divorce online site if you join. I am sure some here might write you privately, and you definitely don't want him finding those.

One last bit of advice: As you progress on your track to leave him, you will feel better and stronger. Do not let him see this. Act the same as you always do. He will notice a difference in your attitude. If he feels he is loosing control of you, he will escalate his abuse, most likely into physical.

Please talk to someone and please save yourself and your boys.

    Bookmark   January 14, 2006 at 9:27AM
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I want to repeat what weed said; "act the same as you always do" until you are safely away. Don't do anything to make him suspicious.

Also, it's best to have access to money in an account of your own that does not have his name or require his signature.

You are fortunate to have a sister in another state that is willing to help you.

It is best for your children and for you to get out. The hardest part is taking that first step out the door. After that it gets easier and you will wonder why you didn't make the move sooner.

I wish you all the best!

    Bookmark   January 14, 2006 at 11:19PM
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Ok, my sister says that before I leave she and I should go to the policestation and tell them what I'm doing , to make sure that it's ok for me to take my children out of the state. I don't feel comfortable doing this, as I don't trust them not to tell him where I am. For all I know, they might have a legal obligation to tell him if they know and he asks, and especially if they don't believe me. Do you all know if I would be doing anything wrong by going to another state with my own children. I don't want to jeopordize what it might look like in court later-do you think they could use that to take them away from me. I used to not think he would pursue it and try to take them, but he might to hurt me. I don't think, given his past record of mariages and children that he could win , but still I'm scared...................

    Bookmark   January 15, 2006 at 1:06AM
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Ask those questions at the shelter, they should know, and might even have no cost or low cost lawyers to send you to.
I'm not saying go to the shelter right this minute with all your stuff, just go there and talk to someone as soon as possible.

    Bookmark   January 15, 2006 at 7:03AM
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Avajoe: You MUST think this through VERY, VERY carefully and find out the facts (legally) before you do anything like this. Call a womans shelter and KNOW what your rights are legally, and what you can do that will not come back to haunt you in court one day. What you do will affect your two children for years to come. Regardless of how angry you are at him ( or maybe just sick of him) he is STILL the father of your two children, and they love him, even if you can barely stand him right now. If you leave him, can you survive on JUST what you earn? Who will care for two very young children while you are working? Can you afford day care, and living expenses on only YOUR salary? (It does not sound like your husband is going to be sending you child support IF he can find a way out of it). How long is your sister and spouse? willing to let you stay with them, before they ask you to PLEASE find a place of your own? I do not want to discourage you, ONLY to make sure you have REALLY thought this through, and really know the legal answers BEFORE you make a move.

    Bookmark   January 16, 2006 at 8:58PM
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Also, have you at least tried marriage counseling? Is there someone in your area who he would listen to, (that he would be accountable to) and give him the opportunity and chance to change and become a better husband and father? Sometimes people do not even realize how hurtful their attitude and words are. They are just spouting off when they shouldn't.
What was he like when you were dating, that you fought so hard to "win" him over the other women who also wanted him? Can you go for a walk and talk to him? Can you try and tell him what you need from him, and ask him why he feels that it is OK to treat you as he has. Can you tell him that the way he has been treating you makes him hard to love? Can you tell him that his words make you want to just give up, and ask him if he is willing to try and change for your marriage and your family? There are some really good marriage seminars offered through many churches, and they may be able to help your husband become a changed man. Or perhaps you could put him into some anger management course (and talk to who ever is putting it on, and tell them what behavior you are trying to change) before you give up and try and raise those kids on your own, with little support and little finances. Anyway, just suggestions to consider. Ideally, someone would be able to "reach" your husband and help him to become the man you once loved. I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   January 17, 2006 at 11:31AM
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Mental and emotional abuse can easily turn into physical abuse. It's very obvious that your husband has some serious underlying emotional issues and he is lashing out at you. He needs to seek professional help and bottom line if he says you are the problem not him, just get out of there. He is very aware of what he is doing to you. Leave for the sake of your children, they deserve to be in a loving environment. Mental and emotional abuse is like CANCER it will eat away at your self esteem until you don't have any left. Ask yourself if this was happening to your mother what would you tell her to do. It seems so hard now to leave but once you get out of that toxic environment you will wonder why you didnt leave a long time ago.

    Bookmark   January 21, 2006 at 4:45AM
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I was involved with a controlling man, not for a long time, but long enough to fall head over heels in love with him. He was charming, laid back, sweet. Anyway to make a long story short, it was like he had a split personality at times. Although I thought I knew him fairly well, he was very vague(2 wives had left him) and he made u feel sorry for him, the wives on the other hand were lazy, abusive, cold hearted etc. I'd think he was opening up to me, he'd say "i dont want u to think i'm a bad person but..." then he'd proceed to tell me really personal things about those women. Of course I fell for everything. His two grown children didn't really seem to have much to do with him, he didn't even know the age or names of his grandchildren. Anyway, I ended up being an emotional wreck, with little or no self respect left, wondering what was wrong with ME! I can't imagine living for years with that. He has know told people personal things about me, I feel like such a fool still after years of not speaking to him, but I do run into him occasionally and I am still afraid of him and what he did to me emotionally. Please read the following link, all of these types of men have the same way about them, when I read this it was like someone had turned on a light!

Here is a link that might be useful: Romeos Bleeding

    Bookmark   January 22, 2006 at 1:38PM
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msmagoo...thank you for the link. Well worth reading. I wish I had read this years ago...as it would have saved alot of wasted time and emotions and anguish that you go through after being in a realatioship with someone like this.

    Bookmark   January 22, 2006 at 4:16PM
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Traditional marriage counciling does not work with abusers and will only give him more amunition against you. Here's a link to a site specifically for domestic abuse:


Please get help and get out of there!

    Bookmark   January 24, 2006 at 10:17AM
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avajoe...are you OK?

    Bookmark   January 26, 2006 at 11:40PM
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bnicebkind-I am ok. Thank you for caring. I just havn't had much time to be on here lately.I did post a long letter the other night and when I hit submit , it disapeared and I just didn't feel like typing it all again. I did want to tell you that I had tried to get him to go to counseling , but he says that there is nothing wrong with him , that its all my fault, that I am crazy , etc. I also wanted to tell you that the car he smashed into that time, was three of my boys. The fourth one was in the hospital recovering from having just had major lung surgery. He had got mad while we were at the hospital. I think he resented the attention to my son?.........So you see , it wasn't even a stranger that he smashed into. I think he was trying to kill them , and the other one in hospital in critical condition ,brcause that would have been the thing he could have done to hurt me the most. In all respect , because I know without a doubt that you are trying to help me , but it does no good to talk about therapy or counseling , because theres nothing wrong with him, don't you know...........therefore he won't go and tells me if I have a problem to go myself.So I am still here, I'm ok and nothings changed. I guess I'll be here until I die of stress?.........I did go to the website that another poster mentioned and read a lot of the information there. They could have been talking about my husband......and a poster said that traditional counseling doesn't work on these guys...so there you go......I guess I am just stuck until I have money to go on and courage......thank you all..........

    Bookmark   January 28, 2006 at 6:56AM
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Have you talked to a womens shelter to get all of the information that you can, and are prepared should you find yourself in danger?

Also, do not waste money on shopping, because it further traps you and removes your options. Start saving money so that you find hope in your future that you do have options.

    Bookmark   January 28, 2006 at 12:43PM
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Just becaue he won't go to counseling doesn't mean you can't. They'll help yo uthrough this, direct you through options.


    Bookmark   January 29, 2006 at 9:11AM
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Run don't walk out the door and don't look back. This is not living.Do what ever it takes to get you and your children out of this horrible life. You deserve better then this!

    Bookmark   January 29, 2006 at 10:44AM
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Avajo - You have to be pro-active for your and your kids' sakes. On the first couple of pages of your telephone book there should be an 800 number for a domestic abuse/domestic violence hotline. Please give them a call. You don't have to be stuck in your terrifying situation. They will help you. They have legal advocates who will know what you legally can and can't do. Find out what your options are, so that you can at least work on formulating a plan.

If you think he smashed up the car on purpose, there's no telling what he might do next. Get out while you can.

    Bookmark   January 29, 2006 at 12:27PM
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One thing that really struck me was that you are becoming increasingly isolated.

Even though you know your husband is a hypocrite, I would go back to church. It can be a comfort and support to you, and eventually people will see through him. Especially if you quit covering for him. You need as much support as possible now and involving other people in your life is one way to do that. Invite other women over to your home for coffee after church. Invite your grown sons over for supper. Try to get as many people involved in your home as possible so if anything happens, you have witnesses to how he treats you.
Talk to your pastor, ask for advice.

And start a secret savings account for yourself. Put away $10 or $20 dollars whenever possible. It adds up quicker than you realize. Call it a "Christmas Account" so you don't arouse his suspicion if he ever finds out about it.

You are obviously a very intelligent person. Much more intelligent than he is. Look at all of the stuff you've done on your own! You're basically a single mom now anyway.
And your husband is incredibly threatened by your capabilities and intelligence or he wouldn't put you down so much.
He's a husband in name only. He acts more like a spoiled child.

Peace to you,

    Bookmark   January 29, 2006 at 4:23PM
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Please get out while you can. If he purposely smashed the car, that is attempted murder. Abusers only escalate their dangerous behavior. I escaped 13 years ago after 20 years of abuse. The peace and serenity after he was put out of our home was worth it, even though for years every car going by terrified me that it was him coming after me with a gun. For months I slept on the couch with a loaded sawed off shotgun and figured he'd have to go through me first before he got to the kids. He would have hurt the kids just to hurt me. Please don't let it go that far. Keep your babies safe. Hugs and good thoughts to you.

Police and social workers encouraged me to press charges against him. I never did, I was too afraid of what he'd do when he got out of jail. He, like your husband, was a charmer and I feared no one would believe me. There was nothing to worry about. Everyone knew what he was like except for a handful of his dirtbag cronies. He cheated on me right and left, denying it. He could no longer deny it when he turned up with syphilis and I didn't have it and never did previously. But he still tried to say I gave it to him.

    Bookmark   February 2, 2006 at 4:21PM
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Avajo - Can you let us know how you are?

    Bookmark   March 25, 2006 at 6:40PM
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You need to leave this abuser, the sooner the better. Take your children and run, don't walk, to the nearest women's shelter. You won't be sorry.....I wasn't!

    Bookmark   April 5, 2006 at 11:02PM
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As the daughter of a woman who was married to a man who physically and emotionally abused her, and emotionally and sexually abused me, I have to say: GET OUT OF THERE NOW. Don't leave yourself in a situation in which this man can hurt your children (or yourself further). The single most important thought on your mind should be doing what is best for your children -- not what's best for you, and definitely not what's best for him. It is YOUR responsibility as their mother to not have them in such a dangerous situation any longer. He's already emotionally abusing your children...this will leave scars for years to come; I'm speaking from experience. Leave now before it gets any worse, or you find yourself with a hurt or dead child.

    Bookmark   April 11, 2006 at 8:12PM
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Did you even read the posts by the OP?

And I quote:

'5 year old asked him to fix his tv tonight, and he was in the bedroom for a whole minute when I heard him scream, You're just like your mama, you won't _ucking leave stuff alone!"'

'And please do not ask me to talk to him about this because I have tried and all he says is "You stupid *itch, Im good to you"'

'See even now as I type this I keep getting up and looking out the window, afraid that he will come home and catch me sitting.'

'he has blacked my eyes a long time ago when we were fighting about the girl at work.'

'And then he would throw screaming fits if something wasn't paid,'

'I am always scared to death they will get disconnected before I get them paid because if they did, well I think he would kill me. When he throws a fit, boy.he's 6 foot 4 inches-240 lbs-with a big deep voice and when he screams I can feel and hear my ears crinkle inside.'

'I also wanted to tell you that the car he smashed into that time, was three of my boys. He had got mad while we were at the hospital. I think he resented the attention to my son?.........So you see , it wasn't even a stranger that he smashed into. I think he was trying to kill them , and the other one in hospital in critical condition ,brcause that would have been the thing he could have done to hurt me the most.'

These are not situations in which someone is just whining a little about a man who yells too much, or who is looking to find excuses to leave her husband.

A man who hits his wife once can (and likely will) do it again. A man who screams obscenities at his wife in front of his kids, AND at his kids is being emotionally abusive. I (and I'm assuming the other posters here) are taking avajo's words at face value. IF everything she says is true, she needs to leave and take her kids with her. If she's lying or over-exaggerating, then the courts can handle it. That's what they're there for. In the meantime, she absolutely should NOT stay in a situation that is either emotionally or physically dangerous for herself or her kids.

If my mother had had the strength of character to get herself and me out of my stepfather's house early enough, rather than vacillating about it for months, I wouldn't have been raped by him when I was 14. I blame her as much as I blame him -- it was HER responsibility as my parent to get me out of a situation that was dangerous to me. She didn't. I suffered. I have ZERO tolerance for women who stay in potentially dangerous situations because "He's not that bad."

    Bookmark   April 13, 2006 at 7:33PM
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Emotional abuse is every bit as damaging as physical abuse.

    Bookmark   April 17, 2006 at 2:29PM
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Emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse I think, because it slowly erodes your self respect, makes you afraid to trust, it's like an emotional roller coaster ride, extreme highs and lows based on someone else's moods. The only thing is by the time you realize you're being abused, you've already fallen in love with the person and you continue to try and make it work, but the more you do, the more they will want you to do.

    Bookmark   April 17, 2006 at 2:38PM
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I do take offence to the implication of 'man' in your statement. It's a common myth that only men are abusers.

I said 'man' because she's married to, well, a man.

    Bookmark   April 17, 2006 at 9:50PM
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That man forfeited his "right" to see his kids as soon as he became abusive. Period. He has no rights any more. And the kids are under no obligation to be abused (physically or emotionally) just because he's their sperm donor. He tried to kill the entire family by ramming them with a car. I'd say that the kids ARE in immediate serious danger, as is Avajo.

I hope the reason you haven't checked back is because you have gone somewhere safe with the children, Avajo. I keep checking here to see if you're OK and I hope you are. You don't have to reply if it's going to cause trouble. Just know that people are thinking and praying for you.

    Bookmark   April 19, 2006 at 2:20PM
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If it were me, I would beat the crap out of him with a bat. Just kidding, I would get a recorder and keep it on and record his outrages for the court. Once I had all the amunition I needed I would leave with the kids. I would call social services to let them know he was abusive to children and suspend his visitation until court time. Also tell the judge you are afraid and get a restraining order.

    Bookmark   April 23, 2006 at 12:52PM
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Sorry to hear about your situation. Please go and find the following books. The answers will be crystal clear.

The first one is called the "Verbally Abusive Releationship - How to Recognize It and How to Respond" by Patrica Evans.

Another groundbreaking book is "Why Does He Do That?-Inside the Mind of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft

I guarantee that these books will change your life.

    Bookmark   May 31, 2006 at 9:46PM
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I have tears in my eyes reading these posts. The children are the most important people in this situation.

This man is acting like a child, treating you as a doormat.

Please let us know what situation you are in now.

You are in my prayers.

    Bookmark   June 10, 2006 at 4:27AM
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Sorry - this is SO long...

OP stated WAY back that counseling is out. (Afterall, the guy is perfect - nothing wrong with HIM!)
and get books? c'mon lizh - good intentions, but IF he is potentially abusive, she would need to hide the books, and hope he doesn't find them - else he'll get suspicious at very least. Maybe worse. And then he'd be watching her like a hawk! (or having others watch her)
OP ALSO mentioned that she doesn't read anymore - nor do things she once enjoyed.

IF things are really this bad (and I DO understand there are 2 sides to every story) - but IF they are, the OP needs to be very careful if she plans to leave. (and if they are really as stated, I believe she SHOULD leave ASAP)

Someone touched on the "kidnapping" issue. I just wanted to state that IF OP leaves with the kids to another STATE - taking kids across border - Doesn't matter what hubby's actions have been - SHE (OP) will certainly be hunted down and charged with kidnapping!

I agree with someone above who said go back to the Church, fill the house with people, etc... It won't take long before people start to "catch on" that something is not right. (Especially when OP keeps inviting them over, and ALWAYS has to cancel!)

OP said her grown sons had "hinted" about things, but she won't tell them anything. Well, have the kids over OFTEN, so they can SEE for themselves! Don't under-estimate those older kids - they can figure it out. Sounds more like OP is "hiding" the facts from her older kids. (Maybe too embarassed?) Don't hide behind the sunglasses!

OP - YOU need some STRONG evidence. You need LOT'S of people around to see and figure things out on their own. This is NOT the time to isolate yourself. Don't tell stories (i.e. - sway them), but also, if someone asks questions - instead of sticking up and smoothing things over, just shrug and turn away. Change the subject. Let them draw their own conclusions.

You state that he is a very charming guy, and you're afraid nobody will believe you. HE wants you to think that way. Perhaps he IS charming. But, he has been married 5 times before you! There is certainly at least 5 other women that can testify.

IF this is all true, time to get proactive while you still are able to. (I see you are "depressed", and this will only get worse until you finally have no fight left in you!)

I can tell by your first few posts you still have fight in you, and you certainly have the brains.
Assuming this is all true, what you posted, you betcha it is abuse! You need to plan carefully.

You said your Sister wants you to consider carefully. How about inviting her over for a month or so? (I know, she won't, and husband won't be happy about that either???) If she were there, about a month maybe she'll see the truth.

OP, I have a question for you: What's the worst that you HONESTLY believe would happen if you just sat on your butt for a whole weekend in front of the TV?

What would he do? Yell? Complain? Kill? Really...what would he do?

IF he is really that abusive, you need to plan.

Here's what I would do if time permitted:
Find out where to get hidden cameras that record actions - (like the "nanny-cams"). Place one in every room. I have NO idea what they cost, how they work, etc, but I'd certainly look into it. Maybe they can be rented. Maybe some people would be willing to lend them to you...

Check the yellow pages for spy shops or similar. Instead of the shopping at the thrift store, visit a spy-shop, camera store, etc, to learn about what's available.

DO TALK TO SOME PEOPLE AT SHELTERS. (But keep in mind that these peoples' livelihood depends on abused women...)

You NEED an attorney - is there a free clinic or legal-aide or something similar? You need to know WHAT you can and cannot do before you do it.

At home, (other than going back to church and having people over all the time), keep things as normal as always. Don't be suggesting counceling anymore, don't be buying books, don't be blasting Dr. Phil everyday - unless that's the norm. Don't say anything to the kids or others.

Tuck away any $$'s or pennies every chance you have.

Turn your thinking around - you are NOT stuck here under his control - you are only pretending until the timing is right.

Gather all important papers - birth certificates, marriage cert., etc. Don't forget the important info, such as his drivers license #, his SS #, the type of car and license plate #, any family/friends Names, addy's, ph #'s, his current work name, addy, ph#, previous employers, tax filings, etc. ANYTHING to track him. (Make photo copies if you must - remove fm premises to a safe and convenient place)
Start removing (slowly) YOUR friends, family info...as well as your personal info.
Then LEAVE, but do it LEGALLY. And take plenty of CASH...Don't forget lots of change for pay-phones.

You PROBABLY won't be able to go to your Sister's (out of State). Besides, if he was REALLY angry, (& you've stated he has a LOT of time on his hands), he'll only show up there, as well as all your other relatives and friends - driving them crazy also.

Sorry this is so long...

Set up with a friend or relative or even your older kids to "watch the kids" for a few days. Tell husband you need a break, (NO! Not 'need a break' - tell him you are TAKING a break!), and your plans are to sit on your butt and do NOTHING for these few days. And if he wants to eat, he can fix it himself. And if he wants clean underwear, he can clean them himself...(Just make sure you have plenty of food for yourself! LOL!)

If he can't respect YOUR time off, it's time to leave. Doesn't matter if it's abuse or not. If he can't appreciate that you decide a break is in order, g'bye!

Whatever - you are not happy there. (Check you moods - maybe PMS related! I've done that many times, till I started recognizing it was REALLY BAD once a month!)

(I'm trying to keep an open mind here...)

If it is truly abuse, I'd personally try to contact any of his x-wives, and have some really long chats with them. That's what I'd do. Doesn't matter if he was with me the longest - something is wrong if he's been married/divorced that many times.

OR, you could just go the simple route and just go file for divorce. (Skip most of the messing around stuff - just file!)
Start getting your ducks in order! Good luck!

    Bookmark   June 30, 2006 at 2:26PM
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I apologize to all who have been worried about me. I have not had access to internet for a long time.Thank you all for your advice and kindness. It is almost like having someone to talk to.I also apologize if I have wasted your time , because no one likes to waste their breath on someone that does not even have the will or means to help themselves. I see that I am stuck here and there is no use in whining about it anymore.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2006 at 12:48AM
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I am reading this for the first time, I am sorry you have to go through this. How much money do you need to leave? If that is the only thing truly holding you back from it, then I'll give it to you. Make a plan, get a timeline, and get on.
Otherwise, you kids will be just like him, if they haven't started already.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2006 at 10:28AM
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okay, I didn't read everything - I didn't need to - been there, done that. GET OUT!!! Get out ASAP! Set your goals, save your money, find a place to go and start working with the courts to get your kids BEFORE you take the final step to get out. Find friends and/or witnesses to what you go through. Speak with the other wives, a counselor, anyone who could help you. Another voice always helps - besides just us.
I have a counselor who tells me that you should listen to your inner voice and what it wants rather than listen to what other people tell you that you should do. Ignore your sister and any others for a moment. What do YOU want? What would make YOU feel good about yourself? How do YOU feel when you think about staying with this man vs. how do YOU feel when you think about trying to make it on your own? The decision is up to you - no matter what you decide. Those who truly love you should stand with you (even if they don't agree) just because they love you. But don't think about them and their perceptions - THINK ABOUT YOU!!!

    Bookmark   August 25, 2006 at 12:19AM
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My X mentally abused me for 18 years, it started slowly and was like a constantly dripping tap, everything you have said I may well have written. If we were due to go out for any reason day / night family / friend it didn't matter, he would spend hours tormenting me, when we went out he was charm itself and would quietly carry on tormenting me, when I snapped everyone felt sorry for him, because I was so horrid to the poor man who did everything for me. He blamed me for his affairs as I neglected him. He slept with his bosses daughter in our bed while I took our daughter to his mothers (a 200 mile round trip)for a few days as her minder was sick and he wouldnt look after her!! Like you my list is almost endless with his mid games etc, anything to make me look stupid and him look good. I now realise that the money situation was another way of control and not down to me being useless with it as he told me often. He once spent three weeks food money on a new phone because he didnÂt like the colour of the one he had!! Which meant I had one weeks food money to feed 2 adults, 1 child and a dog (he wanted her but didnÂt look after her and wouldnÂt get rid of as she was "his") for a month. His reasoning was he was the man of the house and the main bread winner (he wasnÂt but I didnÂt rub it in) so he could have what he wanted.

Yours threatening to kill / injury himself / the Children is just another form of control, after i asked for a divorce mine threatened to move to Austrailia at first i asked him not to go, then i realised what he was up to and told him if thats what you reallly need and want to do who are we to step in your way, we will support you in whatever you want to do, despite him saying his brother out there had a job for him, he is still here.

As for your sister putting doubts in your mind maybe she didn't mean to make you doubt yourself, but you have to remember he has made you doubt everything about you so you will question and doubt your decissions for years to come. It's OK to do that you've been through a lot and you need time to regain yourself.

I can pin point the moment when I stood up to him and he must have realised he was losing control, he had spend weeks giving me hell, I worked full time, looked after our daughter with the help of a minder and managed to keep the entire house clean and all clothes washed, food in the cupboards Blah! Blah! Blah! He came home from work and said something with a sneer it really was so trivial but I just snapped and screamed at him "who the f**k do you think you are talking to? I am a person and I deserve to be treated with some respect round here, I will no longer put up with this crappy marriage or the mental abuse I get from you, get over yourself you are nothing special" he sulked for about two months, but boy was it worth it, then he stared again but this time I just yelled at him "I am a person and deserve to be treated with respect" every time he started thatÂs what I yelled. Six months later I had that "HeÂs having an affair" feeling and two months after that he was gone. The rest as they say is history.

I thank whatever God or Goddess was looking out for me when he finally left me for someone else. He then begged to come back but by then I had two months freedom and although I was so low (in those two months I lost my granddad and had a bad car accident) I felt so much stronger.

My daughter should never have been subject to that kind of life and I will always blame my weakness on how it will affect her. But if i let it get in our way then he will have won and he will not ruin our lives anymore. He used her as a weapon when trying to hurt me after I had asked for a divorce, and kept saying it was all my fault, I was splitting up the family and I could stop the divorce at any time as it wasn't what he wanted. (Doh!! he was living with another woman - how stupid did he think I still was??).

He tried his tricks on our daughter and while he lived with us they worked, but like me after a few months of not having him around she started coming out of herself. She now refuses to see him as (Her words here) she needs a Dad not a sad man who wants her to feel sorry for him, and who is so cowardly he lies because he cannot face the truth. This is her decision and not mine (although I am glad she did it). I have come so far that in May my partner and I met with him and his partner (the one he left me for!!) to discuss why our daughter won't see him  she hasnÂt seen him since January. I typed it up and phrased it so it wasn't pointing the finger and I stuck to the facts it wasn't long I just used the last few visits as examples and used her words, instead of being concerned that this was how she felt his words with a sneer were "So IÂm the worst Dad in the world" his partner tried to help with practical suggestions and she was met with the Eye Rolling and him getting so wound up he told her to shut up. (She will be OK she is stronger than I was - she told him "I don't know why your rolling your eyes it won't help you know" (God how I want to laugh and hug her??)) He tried everything to provoke me but I let it go, he had ruined what should have been a fantastic relationship with his daughter just to get at me and the result he now has nothing. I didn't set up access visits when we did the divorce our daughter was 12 she wanted it this way (I think to get some kind of commitment from him) he was free to see her whenever she wanted it, he was free to pop in for a drink if thatÂs all the time he had.

I am still not very trusting and my partner has suggested I get counselling to help me deal with what happened, it was the x that abused me but I allowed it to happen (and IÂve forgiven myself for that) and now because the x will always blame someone else he still has his problem but me IÂm now free to let it go an enjoy my life. My daughter has bloomed into the 14yr old she should be.

I'm not saying this to gloat but because I know what it's like to be there, my life may now be completely different but the thoughts are still there and yes they do still surface and I try to deal with them as they happen. My greatest reminder of how far we have come.. my daughter she's happy. What more could a mother to a teen ask for?

Be strong, listen to what help is on offer but only you know what is right for you. You must be strong for you and your children and do what is right for all of you and if that means removing them from his belittling abuse so they can become what they should be then scary as it is..so be it.

You gave birth to these children and for that alone you will always be stronger than him.

"Yesterday is History, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, thatÂs why it's called the present!!"

Take Care and remember you are special.

    Bookmark   November 5, 2008 at 5:48AM
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The original post was nearly 3 years ago so it's unlikely she'll respond again. I wish she had posted back and let us know what happened. Such a shame for anyone to live life like that and sadder yet to allow it. I wouldn't treat my dog like that.

    Bookmark   November 5, 2008 at 3:41PM
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I feel as though I know exactly how you feel with your situation with your marriage. I am at the point that I know my marriage isn't healthy for me and that I do deserve to be happy as anyone does. But I just can't figure out how to get the stregnth I need to become independent and take that major step. I am not goint to use the financial excuse anymore I decided and just use the emergency housing program through my county it's just taking that major step. I can't figure out why I am so scared to just leave already since I feel alone all the time anyway. If I'm not feeling lonely then I'm feeling depressed and hurt from all his insults and cursing at me. Why do I feel as though I need this familiarily??? Can someone say just anything to me that will help me take the plunge to being on my own and being alowed to be a 'Happy person' once again? Any motivational advice that will help me to start my life over again would be appreciated!!!

    Bookmark   March 7, 2009 at 1:08PM
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I'm sorry. Couldn't read past the second paragraph. It doesn't matter if he left the 5 previous wives or they left him. That red flag should have been your first clue. My question is---How do these abusive men find women who are willing to put up with this crap. In my opinion, you will be #6 whether you leave or he does. His pattern is already set. Take control of your life and get the he-- out of there.

    Bookmark   March 8, 2009 at 1:16PM
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Wow I must be a complete cynic. I thought the whole thing sounded fake.

She wrote words like git, mamma, sittins, and ya'll. Then she wrote behaviour like a Canadian. I would accept being wrong, but the whole thing read like a well concocted melodrama.

    Bookmark   March 24, 2009 at 4:49AM
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Well I know how to spell get and I meant to write sitting , not sittins. And saying ya'll , well I can't help that because I was born in Mississippi and raised in Arkansas. I don't know what you're talking about on the canadian thing though. Anyway , I'm alive and well , still with him. He hasn't changed , but I guess we have adapted to it somewhat. I just mostly try to avoid him. Thanks to all of you that were concerned. I know I'm stupid cause I didn't leave but thngs arn't so easy sometimes.

    Bookmark   April 6, 2010 at 1:50AM
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At least we know you're alive and well. Please be careful because it sounds like he could become violent in a snap of a finger.

Are your boys okay?

    Bookmark   April 6, 2010 at 12:06PM
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cyn427 (zone 7)

Sorry, can't be too sympathetic. It is one thing to make the choice to stay for yourself, but if everything you said was true, you have an obligation to get your children out of that situation. I know it is hard because I did it. I did not want my son to think that his father was what a man should be. You need to grow a backbone for your children's sakes. Life is hard. Call a shelter and go.

    Bookmark   April 6, 2010 at 12:56PM
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I have to agree with cyn427. Been there, done that. I had three kids, no job and had recently been transplanted to another state by husbands job. So NO friends or support system. For the sake of my children and my sanity I ended it. It wasn't easy, but it was do-able. I wish I had done it sooner for many reasons, but, the most important one is my son has some similar issues to my ex (who sounds like a clone of your's). Is that really what you want for your boys?

    Bookmark   April 6, 2010 at 1:21PM
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"Are your boys okay?"

Yeah. Right.
Either they're learning how to be bullies and abusers, or they're scared out of their wits.
Or both.
Probably too late anyway...

    Bookmark   April 6, 2010 at 1:37PM
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You poor dear, i cant possibly read another word. Im sure you realize by now you've stayed long enough. What a peice of work. When is enough truly enough. Are you a bottomless pit of forgiveness? He's mean, and you are the perfect woman for him because he's steamrolled you into always being there as his scapegoat. just a sidenote, do you know why the age old symbol for the devil is the goat? because of the term scapegoat. seriously, you can google it. I did. you cant change this man but you CAN help break the pattern for your boys sake. Good Luck to you!

    Bookmark   April 20, 2010 at 2:40PM
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I am going through this right now. Al of the work, the chores, the bills the fits over not getting his way, everything. He's even told me that he yells at me and is mean to me because he knows I will forgive him. We have two kids and I don't know where to go. There is no where for me to go.

    Bookmark   August 18, 2010 at 5:21PM
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O-o-okay, how long are you going to string us along here? You have a lot of people here giving you sound advice, praying for you, probably losing sleep worrying about you - and you are either trolling or refusing to do anything about your life but complain. This is the USA, not Afganistan. You will not be stoned to death if you leave, or do you just want sympathy? Time to defecate or get off the pot.

    Bookmark   August 18, 2010 at 5:47PM
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I believe that this woman faces mental abuse without a doubt because I myslef is being subjected to very similar ways within my marriage. I never looked at it this way before but after reading her story i realize that it does exist and that i need to put my foot down and stop taking this type of treatment. I have only been married for 2 months prior to that i we started talking about 8 months before i got pregnant im 8 months pregnant with his child now. At this point in my pregnancy I lost my job and I stay at home it took him 5 months for us to move in to his parents house in the second floor. Initially I wanted an abortion when i found out that i was pregnant because I knew i wasnt ready financially to maintain a child as well as I didnt feel the timing was right. I come from strict parents who do not tolerate this type of behavior getting pregnant before marriage is a big no no So I was dating him at that time when I found out I was pregnant we werent officially boyfriend/ girlfriend but I did get the opportunity to meet his family and friends and they all seemed like really genuinely nice people, he however was a charmer and me being naive and vulernable decided to tag along. i knew he drank and partied alot but I kept thinking to myself that he would change I was going to end our relationship at the end of that summer i got pregnant but when i told him that i was pregnant he was so happy and i felt a warmth in my heart that ok this is his child too and to end this pregnancy would be wrong. boy did i ever regret not doing it, he became controlling and over powering, he wanted things his way or no way, i let alot of things slide, now that we have been married he would go out with his friends and cousins and leave me all alone, i was horribly sick with the cold so badly and he would ask me if i wanted to go out to a house party when im all conjested and cant breathe when i talk to him about it he yells back at me especially when hes drunk, he wants his food brought to him in bed while he watches tv he'll leave the trash piled up for days and ill have to take it out and being pregnant he wants me to clean the floor with a cloth on my knees and tells me to clean up before he comes home, and when he goes out drinking im thinking he"ll come back and we'll watch a movie or cook dinner together and he just comes to bed throw his socks on the floor n his coat on the bed and his hat wherever he feels like. then when i try to retaliate he wont let me speak only his point of view matters he dont care what i have to say or how i feel, i try to stand up for myself i know im soft spoken so he can easily talk over me. he claims he does everything for me and no other guy would do what he does.He says that i take advantage over him. he hasnt bought a thing for our baby yet he relies on everyones assistance, my family bought the car seat and stroller, instead he bought two tvs and games. Another thing he never bought anything for the kitchen yet i had to take money from my parents because I lost my job a few months ago to go by groceries sometimes and when i do he asks for receipts. whats worse is his mother and sister defends him constantly, they would call my phone and asks where he went and did he eat. they use my car for everything to the point where it got dents and scratches on it. If his sister does something for me he tells me im not appreciative he has a way of turning the tables on me making me feel guilty. When hes the one that neglects me and I have to simply tolerate it. Like this weekend for example friday he went out drinking when i call his phone he picks up and says he'll be some soon hes up the block or i kept on constantly calling his phone because i am sick a cold to bring me some food. He left home around 4 pm didnt get home until 1 am, thats not all saturday still wasnt feeling good i said ill go by my moms but was indecisive he told me he was going out to a club i was ok then ill go by my mom for the night he calls me next morning at 7 hasnt slept or didnt go home yet, then picks me up goes to the liqour store gets beers and alcohol brings his cousins over then decides to leave me home alone and goes to his cousins house to watch the game and tells me to cook when im sick and can barely eat anything have no sense of taste and cant breathe. Theres no double standard here in this relationship when i try talking to him about it he'll say "i know babe but im working on it you know how i am " so its like i just have no choice but to tolerate it. He paints a picture that we are about to have a family and we going to be happy but its all a show. i just feel manipulated and trapped and confused he uses love as a way to somehow make me feel that he cares but truly its just a tactic to get me to give in to his ways. I am young and I will admit was naive and i believe i let my low self esteem get in the way of things but its sad that i cant find a way to get up and leave or even talk to my parents about it my mom went into a deep depression as a result of this and i have to be there for her my dad just blames me for getting pregnant if there are any suggestions for help out there please let me know im on the verge of desperation.

    Bookmark   January 16, 2011 at 6:35PM
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I have read all of your stories and I left a crazy man and analyzed for 2 yrs over the mind games he played and whether I would be believed. WELL I LEFT, He found another woman and we divorced Joint Custody BUT he is controlling me wiht the legal system and now he can abuse and mentally torment my kids and I can not protect them all because in JOINT custody it says..."you both are fit and proper to be legal parents...etc" so he filed to modify saying I SAID he was FIT and proper. So I would SAY LEAVE but again....He bullied me and the kids for yrs. I left thinking he would move on yet he is worse than ever....lying to his co workers that he is getting CUSTODY of the kids. He manipulates the system to get his way. It is scary. I might even say to STAY with the kids at all times, don't leave...unless you can leave FAR and he never find you. Even with social security numbers he could track the kids down in a school in California ...ya know??
Things only got worse for me because he is WAY EVILY smarter than I ever imagined. A MACK TRUCK......would be best yet....he may come back to life. Crazy people seem to have 9 lives....and personalities. Be careful. I don't know what I would do but my child is suffering in silence because if i KNOW i get mad and tell the lawyer and somehow he finds out. I think he hacks my email....account. So do be careful!! My kid gets in trouble for telling me what he does...then it's HE is the BAD GUY. UNLOYAL!!

    Bookmark   April 6, 2011 at 12:00PM
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@ Avajoe- i've just finished reading your story, and every comment post on this entire page. With each new post i read, i hoped that i would see you got help at the end.

I am just a teenager, 18 in a couple months, and i am completely heartbroken over your story and over the fact that you're in such a horrible situation especially because the last post was someone else wishing the best for you instead of a post from you telling us all that you've left and even though things will be hard you still have your kids and can start working on a much more happier life.

After reading your story, my boyfriend asked me to go outside for a smoke, and i was telling him your story that i had just read, telling him that i wanted to just find you and give you a hug and help get you out of there. Even though there was nothing i could do.

I am still hoping and praying you will find a way to help yourself and give yourself the life you deserve. Re-find the joy in all the things you used to love, like decorating your house. There is always a way to find happiness in life, and always a way to make your dreams come true. Get your kids, and you know what? When they're older im sure they will understand when you explain to them why you left (even though im sure they already understand the situation now whether you've told them whats going on or not) because i know i would understand if my mother told me something like this.

Sending my best wishes and love your way.
- Shayna

    Bookmark   April 19, 2011 at 1:11PM
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Hi Shayna, Before someone comes along to remind you how old the posts are and that AvaJo is probably gone since she hasnt posted since a year ago, I just want to say how admirable it is for such a young girl to have that much empathy for a troubled stranger...You sound like a very kind, fine young woman...Very sweet, you made my day...

    Bookmark   April 19, 2011 at 2:11PM
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Very nice, Shayna. What lovely thoughts you have and tenderness for someone else. I hope that AvaJo sees your post. And I hope your boyfriend knows how lucky he is that you're in his life.

    Bookmark   April 19, 2011 at 8:05PM
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It really helps to feel like I am not alone , yet sad for all of you that share my pain . When reading the stories it feels like I am reading my own words . Hopefully it will help us because it seems to break the spirit , when the Man you love is only happy when we cry .

    Bookmark   September 16, 2013 at 2:30PM
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old post

    Bookmark   October 15, 2013 at 10:15PM
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    Bookmark   October 15, 2013 at 10:23PM
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