Should I stay with my husband?

mary_2003January 30, 2007

My husband and I have been married 2 years, he really loves me and pamper me like a princess. He centers his life around me and gives me more love than I ever need.

But there is one problem, he is not driven in life and has been fired from every job he has. He made $62K last year and was let go from his job early Nov last year, it has been 3 months and he has not been able to find a job.

He sits in front of the computer all day and seems to be looking for jobs, there were a few calls from recruiters but only one interview over 2 months ago.

We only have enough money for another 3 months before we start living off of our savings, which is little.

I tried not to press him but in the last 2 months I have ran out of patience and we have been having nasty fights which I call him every name in the book. He told me he would walk over fire for me, but I know he has been wounded by the disrespect and put-downs from me, he has grown distant and quiet towards me.

I want a driven, capable husband and he seems inadequte in getting ahead in life. We just had a fight over why after 3 months he has only gotten one interview and he said he doesn't know and said maybe his resume is too cluttered? I can't belive he is so clueless about how to help himself in turns of career.

We live in my condo which I have owned for the last 10 years, I feel I really don't need him as I can support myself (paying mortgage and bills), I constantly ask myself if I should leave him? During many of our discussions, he said he intend to be the breadwinner and wants me not work eventually, he has a goal to make $80K this year and he is striving for that, he had the same goal last year but never achieved it. I am really doubtful is he will ever be the husband that I want and I am growing frustrated and am tired of putting him down all the time.

My question is would he ever be the man that he wants to be? if not, should I stay with someone who loves me dearly however face a life time of dis-respecting my own husband? Please help.

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I can understand your frustrations, I think most marriages have this problem from time to time.

Do you love him ?

I think you are very fortunate to have a husband that loves you and cares for you in the way you said in your post.

I think you should stop with all the negative thinking and change your frame of mind. Relax, its not the end of the world.

A few things you could do, with a positive slant.

Help him do a new resume, perhaps he just does not know how to sell himself ?

Sit with him whilst he looks for jobs?

Perhaps he needs to improve his appearance, with your help.

A focus on your love and respect for each other rather than arguments and put downs, would certainly be a better environment for him to build his confidence.

He is probably really depressed about his situation, and feels that he has let you down.

I think you are worrying unnecessarily about the future. If you have love for each other, you can overcome any problem.

Focus on helping your husband and not the lack of money you have.

Hope things work out for you.


    Bookmark   January 31, 2007 at 2:13AM
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Wow, you seem to put a lot of focus on money in your marriage. Is that why you married you husband? Today's job market isn't that good. Finding a job isn't easy. He's only been out of work since November, that is over the holiday's when employers are not hiring too often anyways.

I'm sorry, what were your marriage vows...I will only love you if you make so much money a year? Mine was through sickness and health, rich or poor. Boy we've been through some lean years and grown closer.

And if you fight and call names, you fight dirty, why not hit him...yes that's harsh, but it's Verbal abuse to fight and call names. You write it like you're proud. You should be ashamed. Fighting can be productive, it is not something that should be belittling. Fighting is about taking a problem, naming it and working through it.

Now go back, read Popi's answer (she always looks at the positive, I get down to the nitty gritty), you have a husband that loves you, re-read what you wrote. You wrote NOTHING about loving him. Some people marry someone because they LOVE who they are. Other poeple marry someone to change them. Guess who is happier...the ones that Marry the person who they LOVE who they are. Why, because you can't change a person.


    Bookmark   January 31, 2007 at 3:36AM
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Why has he been fired from every job? That would greatly concern me.

    Bookmark   January 31, 2007 at 7:26AM
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I agree with the previous posters, and also would like to know about how many jobs has he been fired from and why --- was it like, 3 or 30 jobs, and was he actually fired or more like layed off...some industries are constantly downsizing and if he's in one of those, he may be let go a lot especially if he's the new one on the block.

I don't think 3 months without a job is all that bad and I am impressed there is still money to go through without having to hit your savings. Could his problem of finding a job have anything to do with him trying to get a job for 30% more than he was making? I doubt that is easily going to happen. Has he talked to a recruiter or employment type agency? They can help with his resume and other specifics. And, one more thing, almost everyone wishes their husband (or themselves) made more money. It doesn't usually make people disrespect their spouses though.

It does sound like you value money over love and if that is the case, I'm not sure you're ever really going to be happy with him. A lot of people use money and material things to fill a void that is missing from not being loved. You sound lucky that your husband loves you so much, but if you really value material items/money over that, I'm not sure he's the right one for you.

    Bookmark   January 31, 2007 at 9:38AM
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Oh, my God! Thank you all for the emails, I needed them all. I desparately needed advice and didn't know if anyone would reply to my email, thank you all so much.

Thank you Popi for your advice, I do love my husband, but at this point, I am drained from "training" the guy. I know the 1st year or 2 is hard, we went through fights on him being a procrastinator, habits of not follow through with things, matching too much TV..... He is quite stubborn (and he knows he needs to change that) he goes through periods of denials about bad habits and areas that he needs to grow as a mature adutls, now without a job... I feel like I am raising a teenager, every time I turn around, he's messed something up... I am emotionally drained....

I helped my husband rewrote his resume when he 1st lost his job and have gave him leads on finding recruiters on a website but he has not follow up on on it (he has a habit of not follow through with things and important ones too!). I know in a marriage we are suppose to help each other, but at the same time I feel he is so inadequate that he can't even help himself often times. He also doesn't seem to appreciate my help and wants to do most things his way, I don't know how he is doing his job searching.

His was let-go from 4 jobs in the last 7 years, he is 36 years old now. He didn't graduate from college until he was 29 yrs old, he said he was confused about what he wanted to do after college so he just decided to work and stay in college at the same time. He is bad with managing money and practially has no savings (he was making around $45K-$60K and single) when we got married except about $30K in 401K. He also has very bad credit (in the mid 500 score) due to not paying bills (doctors bills, credit card bills, etc). I knew his track records before I marry him, but I also know it is hard to find a man that really loves and adores you, I know I am lucy that I have so much love from him. He is always gentle, loving to me, even when I call him names during our fights. He just get all red and said "don't degrade me!! I need respect!". My normal response to that would be "show me results and I will respect you!"

What I worry about is that I have married a man with low abilities and I seem to have lost respect for him. Evey little thing sets me off and he just takes it and kept telling me to give him time to change things around for us.

Vickey, I know I should not call him names and fight dirty, I feel so guilty and yes ashamed about myself after our fights that sometimes I could feel my heart physically hurt. I know I married him mostly because I knew he loves me so much, and I married his potential (he is 6'2", not drop dead gorgeous but decent looking) and I thought I can change him, he is willing to change everything for me, but it is hard.

I also fear one day he will stop loving me because of all the verbal abuse coming from me. I constantly ask myself not to be abusive but he seems to set me off and then I can't control my anger and the abuse starts. My mother is verbally abusive to her kids and I am beginning to see I got it from her.

How do I regain my respect to my husband? I want to stay with him, but I know I need to respect him and not look down on him all the time for us to have a healthy marraige.

    Bookmark   January 31, 2007 at 1:37PM
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He wants to change for stop wanting him to change for you and accept him as he is, not how you want him to be. Go to counseling to learn how to do that. Learn how to control your anger and fight fairly. You have still not said you married him because you you love him.

I love him because he loves me, I married his potential, I thought I could change him. He wants to change for me. WRONG WRONG WRONG. All of these things are WRONG. A marriage is not based on these things. A marriage is based on love and respect. How do you gain his respect...stop seeing him as someone you can change and accept him for what he is.

He was let go from 4 jobs in 7 still haven't said why as someone has asked. Again if it was downsizing and he was low man, nothing to do with him, it was a situation he had no control over. He was 29 when he finished college..SO WHAT, he finished, and had a tougher time than most becasue he worked and finished, that to me says a lot, he's dedicated. HE didn't have to finish college.

Read about abuse, you blame him for you being abusive, you blame you mother, guess what, you can only control yourself, and yes you are abusive. You need to take anger management classes. PERIOD. You think you can bully him into doing things, think again, life doesn't work that way. Am I being harsh, yes, I hate abuse, of children of wome, an of men. Physical, verbal and sexual!!!


    Bookmark   January 31, 2007 at 3:28PM
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Three months is not very long to be looking for a job. I started looking very hard in the first of Dec and just now am I starting to get a lot of calls and interviews. Not sure what his area is, but I am in IT, and he needs a recruiter...probably a couple. If you look on or you should be able to see recruiters hiring. I never find jobs without them. And it is depressing to be out of work. Did he file for unemployment?

His college should have resources that will review his resume too.

You can't change people---so get that out of your mind.

I would suggest counseling as you seem to have a lot of resentment and as you acknowledge abuse issues.

    Bookmark   January 31, 2007 at 4:17PM
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Thank you Vicky and Patches for your words. My husband is in the medical device industry and yes, he did filed for unemployment. The problem is he loses focus and apply for positions that are out of his ability, because he wants to make more money for us. I think he is now trying to get positions more in-line with his background and experience.

He lost his jobs due to he didn't get along with his bosses twice, he later told me he knew it was his stubborness that hurt his career. I am not sure about the other 2 times, I didn't want to dig and hurt both of us.

Vicky, you hit it right on the nail, I was wrong.... I didn't see him for who he really is, I married my own fantasy. I do love my husband, but I know it is far from the unconditionally love that he has shown me. I love him conditionally, perhaps it is not true love. I gotta say in 2 years, he (or us) have come a long way, I have noticed an eagerness on his part to rid off bad habits, I know now it is going to take time and I need to be patience and understanding, which I don't have. Through all our fights, I gotta give it to my husband that he never lost his respect for me, even I have lost respect for myself for the way I treated him. I am a verbal abuser and I am determine to change that. I need help.... I am reading Managing Your Emotions - by Joyce Meyers, I hope this would help me, this is a start, I am going to continue to learn about abuse and stop the cycle. I came across Mort Fertel's website, I showed it to my husband and we both agreed to give it a try. I will let everyone knows how it is.

Thank you all so much again for your words, I needed this.

Have a wonderful day.

    Bookmark   January 31, 2007 at 6:59PM
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I think you may being a little too hard on the guy. 3 months is not THAT long to be without a job. Maybe he just cant find one in his field right now.
I come from a marriage of little money...and yes,we do have goals to get ahead and have met most of them.The most important thing though is HOW HE TREATS You. You even said he was sweet and treats you like a princess.Would you rather him work himself into an early grave and be so stressed he doesnt pay attention to you at all?
I'm just saying,IMHO,that money is not everything.Sounds like you have a pretty comfortable life as it is.Be thankful,and be supportive.

The more you insult your husband and put him down,the lower his self essteam will be and the longer it will take him to find a job. You also risk totally putting a wedge between you forever by being too harsh.
Remember your vowels....For richer or poorer.

    Bookmark   January 31, 2007 at 9:21PM
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Thanks coolmama, after reading through everyone's advice on the forum, I came to realize perhaps I am too hard on him and I should give him more time.

This morning, my husband said he got a reply from a company within 2 hours after sending his resume to the company, that they have received his resume and will review it. He said it didn't look like a auto-respond email and he feels that they are interested in him. So we discussed it and both agree that he will do a follow up email this afternoon and ask for an interview.

I just asked him if he had sent out the email, he said he forgot!! (this happens alot!!). I can't believe given the intensity of our recent fights and how he told me he is determined to get a job in the next 2 months, he proceeded to forget about this!! I didn't yelled this time, he apologized and is working on the email now!! To me, this is unbelivable.

I sometimes feels that it is really unfair that I need to constantly take in these kind of shock and all he does is apologize.

    Bookmark   January 31, 2007 at 10:14PM
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His forgetfulness, lack of focus and some other things you mentioned could indicate attention-deficit disorder (ADD). This is a common problem for which there are treatments.

A psychiatrist could help determine if he has attention deficit and if medication might help. I'll put a link below to one site with a quick checklist so you can see if he has many of the symptoms:

Here is a link that might be useful: adult attention-deficit disorder

    Bookmark   February 1, 2007 at 1:07AM
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I agree with Petaloid, it does sound like he may have a problem. Is ADD in his family ?

Mary your anger is a problem, and I really admire you for recognizing that and doing something about it.

You know how it feels to have an angry person yelling at you, seeing you said your mother did it.

I really think that your situation is not as bad as you think. Just take one thing at a time, and work through the problems, you will get there in the end.

Your marriage is the most important, treasure you have, do what you can to maintain your special union.

Take care


    Bookmark   February 1, 2007 at 2:04AM
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I was wondering about ADD as well. It runs in my family and many of the symptoms are as you describe. Especially the inattentive type (you don't have to be hyper to have ADD).

    Bookmark   February 2, 2007 at 2:20PM
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Thank you Petaloid, I printed out the checklist, my husband and I will go over it tonight. (we agree he will look for jobs during the day and we will discuss all other things at night).

I emailed him the link and he said he has always wonder if he has ADD (he never took the initive to really look into, typically of him).

We ordered Mort Fertel's CD online should be receiving it in the next week. We have never heard of him, came across his website and we like his approach, has anyone use his products before?

It is very hard for me to not go off on him, since I already have all these negative thoughts about him in my head. He dozed off last night on the couch with the TV, the lights on, it was pass midnight. Normally, a wife would lovingly awaken her husband, turn off the TV and lights. My immediate reaction was this guy is again being irresponsible, wasting energy, can't stick to a routine....

I see him in every negative light, I don't really know if I have passed the point of no return and will never be able to see him in a positive light again, if so, what chance do we have to have a healthy marraige?

    Bookmark   February 2, 2007 at 2:46PM
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"I see him in every negative light, I don't really know if I have passed the point of no return and will never be able to see him in a positive light again, if so, what chance do we have to have a healthy marraige?"

I don't mean to sound rude, but I was wondering the same thing. Maybe before talking to your husband and trying to work on your marriage, you should sit down with yourself and figure out if you truly love this guy. He sounds like a real catch, but...

"I didn't see him for who he really is, I married my own fantasy. I do love my husband, but I know it is far from the unconditionally love that he has shown me. I love him conditionally, perhaps it is not true love."

...If it ain't there, it ain't there. I am in no way advocating divorce, I really don't believe in it, but I also don't think it's healthy to stay in a marriage where you are miserable and making your spouse miserable as well.

I hope you do some heavy duty thinking and decide this guy is worth the work - he sounds like a good man. But until you decide whether you love him or he is just convenient for you, no amount of counciling will work. That's something you must search your heart and decide for yourself.

Whatever you come up with, by all means, get counciling for yourself. The first step to healing is admitting that you have a problem with your anger. You have done that here. Congratulations - you passed the hardest part!

I will be praying for you and your husband, and I hope it all works out.

    Bookmark   February 2, 2007 at 6:55PM
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Totally agree with everything mandy_g said. Please get help for your anger. It probably just makes him feel more inferior.

    Bookmark   February 2, 2007 at 11:20PM
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Actually Mandy, I do NOT believe that Mary2003 should be congratulated, nor would I agree that she has passed the hardest part. Aren't most abusive people quick to apologize, ask for forgiveness, only to do the same thing again and again, repeating the cycle? Abusers feel bad for the pain they cause, but don't most go on and continue to abuse?

The hardest part Mandy is actually having the guts to face YOUR problem head on, and seek professional anger management help, and to have the courage to stay with the program, so that you break the cycle of abuse that you grew up with. So that it STOPS with this generation, and does not continue through another generation...

You must be the one to have the courage to become a better woman than your mother is! I do not imagine that you will have a healthy marriage unless you are willing to do the work to become healthy end the cycle of abuse.

I know several women married to VERY successful men. And they would trade it all in for a guy like yours, that loves you the way your darling husband loves you. They have so much materially, and yet their husbands are married to their careers, and these women have such disappointment in their eyes. Your man... (yes, the husband you were blessed enough to find on this planet...the real deal...where the love continues beyond the first year of found this rare person who is able to see beyond your flaws, and love "you" in spite of your flaws...what a gift.

Don't you dare destroy such a man with your words. You take care of this tremendous gift you hold, and cherish him. I have no idea where in the world you got these thoughts that it is your duty to "train" him as though he were a dog. He is "your darling husband", not some dog you need to train. Love him. Cherish him. Encourage him, and find a soft spot in your heart to love him even if he may never be the driven career guy, you rarely see. It is a case for so many women married to such a be careful what you wish might actually get it, and wish you hadn't. Because with a driven career guy, comes other qualities that are not so easy to live with.

The women you hear that are married and having affairs...they are risking everything...their families, their children...all for what you have. To feel that kind of love and to know that someone adores them, as you are adored. Love him. Cherish him, and this gift that you have somehow been fortunate enough to find. Be his biggest champion, and build up "YOUR MAN". Be gentle with his shortgivings. The material stuff is just that...just stuff. The greatest gift of all is to love and be loved in return. Take care of it.

    Bookmark   February 3, 2007 at 6:25PM
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Oh, bnicebkind, I know, I know.... it is 1:20AM and my husband and I are sitting in front of the computer working. I recently started a home based biz and he is so supportive in every way. He helped researched the net with any questions I may have and gives me often times good ideas to move the biz forward. We are both happily working away..... I know in my heart I am very lucky, and my own sister keeps telling me that, because, she married a high power CEO, lots of money but she is unhappy as well. I think we all have our struggles in life to deal with.

My husband told me his confidence is now at a 1 right now (scale of 10) and I blame myself for it. I meditate every morning when I get up these days and thank God for him, and think about his good qualities, it seems to work. He is stubborn and can be cold some times, like yesterday he was down and he was quite cold when I got home. I asked him "what is wrong", he said "nothing" but was distant and cold. This morning, I told him it would have been nice if he could have acknowledged that it wasn't me he was not happy about. He quarrelled with me and I got mad. But I didn't yell like I normally would have and he apologized later.

I agree my problem with anger is going to be a tough fight for the rest of my life to rid off and yes, I am beginning to see the love and the good quality that my husbad possess, he puts up with my anger and loves me for who I am.

We did the ADD checklist yesterday, he has 20 questions with score of 3 or more and it indicates that he has a high tedendency for ADD. He said is is going to start a regimen to help to stay focus (we will see) and when he gets a job, we will find a doctor for him to get diagnosed.

Thanks all for caring and your advice are saving my marriage.

    Bookmark   February 4, 2007 at 4:38AM
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Mary...I have read about women who have been abused both physically and verbally/emotionally, and they say that the verbal/emotional abuse is much worse, because it cuts to their very core. That the painful words play over and over in their mind and heart, when they are alone, and long after the fight ended...sometimes years afterwards. Those words taunt them when they are laying awake at night, or driving alone in the car, or really anytime they are alone. Those words may even taunt them when they are around friends (especially meeting new people)...constantly reminding them that they have little worth. And it becomes a down hill slide, where their sense of self becomes damaged and distorted.

I think you should ask a professional how you undo this, so that your beloved husband can heal, and those tapes (your painful words) stop playing in his heart and mind, telling him over and over that he is worthless.

He needs to know that you love him, even if he is never able to provide what your sister has. And never let him feel like less of a man for not being able to provide that "stuff". It isn't about having a big house, or a fancy car that fills our soul, and makes living our life worthwhile. It is love. Even biblically, we learn that the greatest gift of all is love. To be loved as you are...what a gift. Cherish this gift you hold, and let "YOUR MAN" know that you are his biggest fan. And I will tell you a you go on in life...even if you have friends who have the material is your marriage that they will envy. They will want what you have found. Because you have what makes life worth living. And they know it.

Help your darling husband to heal. Apologize for those painful words that robbed him of his self worth. And vow NEVER to do that to "your man" again. That you are going to encourage him, and that together you two are going to be awesome! Where he has will come along side and help him. And where you have shortcomings...that he will come alongside and help you. That you each have different strengths and weaknesses, but together, as a whole, you will be wonderful. I imagine this is what they mean by ying/yang. To be the shadow self of each other.

Take the time Mary to do the work on your anger issues, or it will haunt you throughout your life. you are so fortunate to be aware while you are fight this dragon in your life so that it is forbidden from creating pain in yet another generation. You are going to become the woman your mother ached to be. Do the work now so that you do not look back with regrets. So that you are able to look back on your life one day, and not have to apologize. But to know that you became the kind of woman your darling husband and (kids?) adore, and know you lived your life well by sharing it with a man who truly loves YOU.

    Bookmark   February 4, 2007 at 8:17AM
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This is my first visit to this site and I am moved by this letter and the honesty of the responses. I do hope you pay attention to the advise Mary , these folks have spoken truth.My only contribution are these below . I am a retired addiction counselor and have dealt with many marriages like yours and had a bad first marriage myself so I come to this topic with first hand knowledge. I hope you can give yourself peace. Kareen

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

For me, serenity began when I learned to distinguish between those things that I could change and those I could not. When I admitted that there were people, places, things, and situations over which I was totally powerless, those things began to lose their power over me. I learned that everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, and learn from them, without my interference, judgement, or assistance!

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things
I cannot change,
Courage to change
the things I can,
and the wisdom
to know the difference.

The key to my serenity is acceptance. But "acceptance" does not mean that I have to like it, condone it, or even ignore it. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it... and I have to accept that fact.

Nor does it mean that I have to accept "unacceptable behavoir." Today I have choices. I no longer have to accept abuse in any form. I can choose to walk away, even if it means stepping out into the unknown. I no longer have to fear "change" or the unknown. I can merely accept it as part of the journey.

I spent years trying to change things in my life over which I was powerless, but did not know it. I threatened, scolded, manipulated, coerced, pleaded, begged, pouted, bribed and generally tried everything I could to make the situation better -- only watch as things always got progressively worse.

I spent so much time trying to change the things I could not change, it never once occurred to me to simply accept them as they were.

Now when things in my life are not going the way I planned them, or downright bad things happen, I can remind myself that whatever is going on is not happening by accident. There's a reason for it and it is not always meant for me to know what that reason is.

That change in attitude has been the key to happiness for me. I know I am not the only who has found that serenity.

    Bookmark   February 4, 2007 at 5:05PM
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bnicebkind and Karen, as I sit here reading your posts, tears come falling down my face.... I am blessed to have found this forum, your care and advice are turning me for the better.

I was taught growing up love is earned through good grades, achievements and not simply being who you are, because I need to prove I am worth it. bnicebkind, you and my husband are right, love is acceptance, love is building up not tearing down, love is having a soft heart, to support, to assist. Through building up a hard shell growing up in my family, I lost my soft heart. I now need to find that soft spot and work on myself. I must have done something good lately that you (bnicebgood) found my posting and gave me these precious words (I will keep them with me forever), I can't stop sobing as I write this posting.

I felt I had to change my husband, but I see now he will change on his own term and when the time is right. (I always knew the term "don't try to change or control things that are out of your control"), however, I knew it on an intellectual level and yes, I didn't/don't have the wisdom to see the difference.

But now, I am beginning to get it, I have no right, all I have are the rights to change myself, he is not my property, he is a respectable man, a good man who has a wonderful heart and does not waiver his love for the people he cares for.

I, on the other hand, came from a broken family, I don't have a strong understanding of love, my foundation to love is shallow and it changes from day to day. I focus on materials things, becuase I am unable to recognize true love, even when it is handed to me on a silver platter, it is my mis-fortune. My sister has told me many times don't talk about divorcing my husband she said I have everything.

I know it is going to be a life time struggle for me (I will find a good counselor when we have health insurance and start the process of riding my anger, however, I will not wait, I am going to finish my book and continue to help myself through reading, spiritual teaching and meditation), I know life/relationship are not easy, however, I know now to treasure what I have, to know it is not all his faults, take life as it comes, to work on myself to be the best I can be and the rest is up to... Life.

    Bookmark   February 4, 2007 at 8:33PM
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Just a note about meditation. I recently started exploring this side of life, and I can tell you it has given me a great sense of inner peace and comfort. Read all you can about meditation, particularly from a Buddhist perspective, in fact read what the Dalai Lama says about how we can find happiness in our lives.

I have such clarity, it helps me deal with life and the issues that arise from day to day. It has taught me to dispense with being judgemental, to lead my life with a positive glow in all that I do.

Practice mindfulness and you will be surprised at how this affects you, how much more you enjoy the pleasures in life. And how you can detatch yourself from the materialism.

All the best to you and your husband, I think you will be fine.


    Bookmark   February 5, 2007 at 1:50AM
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bnicebkind you wrote, you shared that you have lost that soft place in your heart that is tender, and loving. And that is why it is so important that you do not allow yourself, or anyone, to destroy that in your own dear husband. Because it is so precious, and rare, and once our hearts grow hard, it is so hard to get back to where our love is tender and pure. Just love this man you were so fortunate enough to find. Enjoy him, and come up along side of each other, to shadow each others weak spots, and together you two will be awesome!

You may check with the library...they may have audio/video programs on anger management that may help you until you have health insurance. Or in your phonebook under counseling, if you call a counselor and ask for where the anger management sessions are held locally, they may actually be free of charge or a very small fee for the whole session.

I wish you both well. I think you two are going to be great together!

    Bookmark   February 5, 2007 at 9:32AM
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Mary .
I believe crying is cleansing and the fact that you are willing to look at yourself is a credit to you . Please keep us posted on how you are doing in your "new you " . Kareen

    Bookmark   February 5, 2007 at 6:55PM
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Through the help of all the responses, I came to realized I have a problem with anger. I will get books from the library on anger management.

MY husband and I have not fought in the last 3 days, this is BIG. We used to fight every single day and of course I was the initiator every time.

The meditation each morning is helping, your responses are helping, the book on managing my emotions is helping.... now I just try to focus on his good qualities and be just like him.... be very supportive of everything for each other.

I have identified what I need to change, but I know it is not going to be easy. Getting angry or being abusive are just symptoms, the deeper issue I need to also find out and address. It is going to require my determination and constant effort.... the true test is under way.

Thanks all again for all your help, it truly has turned me around for the better, I can't thank you enough. Looking back at my 1st posting, there was so much frustration, anger, now, I know I have much work to do on myself. I will update everyone on how I am doing.

    Bookmark   February 6, 2007 at 10:22AM
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We would love to hear how you are doing! I want to encourage you to do the work to actually change this behavior, so that you become the woman you were meant to be. If you do not follow through and get the help to truly change in the way you respond to frustration and stress, than you will find that you are able to control your behavior for short periods of time, (say a few weeks) before something happens and you respond in your old patterns. It is relearning different methods of response when you are put in frustrating, or stressful situations that push the old buttons. By not doing the work, you will fall back into old patterns of behavior, and your darling husband will become discouraged and after time, begin to lose hope that change is actually possible. Without the work to learn new behavior, he will begin to see patterns that change is only short term, and he will lose hope that permanent change is likely. When someone is verbally abused over a long period of time, the person on the receiving end of the abuse begins to lose the ability to "feel love" for the person who hurt them. Even if the person changes far down the road, sometimes the wounds are too deep to ever feel the same for that person, even though logically they may want to, because they see that the changes are occurring.

I believe that if you let him take part in your effort to heal and work through the old patterns, he will have compassion for this struggle you have and imagine how hard it must have been for you as a little girl experiencing what he as a grown man has experienced.

I am glad that you understand so young and so early in your marriage, so that real change is likely, and that you are now, with a heart to change, in a place that most people do not find themselves until they are much older and have left pain in too many people.

I am glad that you are doing the work now, before you are a parent so that your children do now experience childhood with that kind of a mom.

I wish you such peace, happiness and joy as you grow into a wonderful woman. Good luck!

    Bookmark   February 6, 2007 at 11:29AM
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I lashed out at my husband last Tuesday after hearing him on the phone with our medical insurance company to change my primary doctor. I felt he said something wrong, so I yelled at him to get out of the house. It was wrong of me to do that, but I did it. Somehow, I am not remorseful, even though I know it was very wrong of me.

He told me he was considering a base pay $28K insurance sales job but the company decided not to hire him after he tested below average in terms of being a self-starter and the test also indicates he requires close supervision yet the chance of his success rate is slim within the industry. He said he was suprised, I am not. These are the exact things I have asked him to change and the causes of our fights, yet he said he is surprised. So basically he never heard what I have been telling him and have not learned from our fights (despite he says he respects me?( it's a bunch of crap). Normally, I would get mad about it, but I just walked away when he told me his was surprised, I was disgusted.

I am drained from it all.... his denials, stubborness, seemlingly inabilities to learn to grow. It takes so much effort to tell him to grow into a mature man yet he seems to be standing still.

He tried to be very loving over the weekend and tried to make out but I had/have no desire whatsoever. I know he tries hard to be together but I also know he is very hurt inside, from his job lost, our fights, but his sorrow doesn't pain me anymore. (they used to).

It is Valentine's day, he has no plans for us, I know he is hurting and he is growing more distant from me. I thought about getting a card/gift but couldn't bring myself to it, I guess I will get something today. We have not slept together on and off for 4 months now, it used to hurt me when he used to prefer the couch after our fights, but now I rather enjoy having the whole bed to myself.

    Bookmark   February 14, 2007 at 9:40AM
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From your descriptions, I wouldn't stay with either of you.

    Bookmark   February 14, 2007 at 4:05PM
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For once I agree with Asolo. haha! You cannot change him into another person. You obviously have no feelings for him anymore, don't support him, belittle him, and you aren't even bothered by your own mean behavior. Do both of yourselves a favor and get a divorce.

    Bookmark   February 14, 2007 at 5:54PM
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If i put myself in your husbands shoes , I would feel pretty blue about the test results and the unemployment not to mention having no one to turn to at home.

If I put myself in your shoes I probably would be pretty angry at myself for picking someone I don't respect.
I wonder what made you do that? Kareen

    Bookmark   February 14, 2007 at 6:59PM
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We all have choices to make in life, of the kind of human being we choose to be.

You will never find happiness in life, by being abusive to those around you who do not do what you demand of them. It is hard to love someone who explodes this verbal garbage every time they are ticked off. It is impossible to love Dr Jeckle/Mr Hyde personalities. You never are quite sure which one you will be dealing with at any given moment, and learn that you cannot trust them, or your feelings about them. They can flip without warning. One minute they love you, and the next they are shouting at you because you did not do something according to how they think it should be done. As though you are the boss of the universe, and it is your way, or there is he** to pay.

Perhaps you will choose to follow in your mothers foot steps after all.

    Bookmark   February 23, 2007 at 10:00PM
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My husband didn't forget Valentine, he surprised me in the morning with roses, chocolate and a beautiful necklace.

Our situation has changed much since Valentines day. My husband found a really good job with a pay increase of 25%, we listened to the Marriage CD that we bought and it helped a lot.

He made a comment that I am much more forgiving these days, we are much happier and have not fought in the last 2 weeks. The monster in me is still lurking.... my husband told me I am a slave to my emotions and said I need to change.... I told him I am trying, but some times when the darkness comes, it comes with such force that it blinds me.... I lose sense of all reasoning....

I don't know how long this loving man will stand by me. I know he is already the most patient husband in the world, I know if I can't make it with him, I won't make it with anyone. Sometimes, I feel that I should let him go, so that he can be loved the way he deserves. I feel that I should be alone and not continue to abuse others, sometimes, I want to just give up. Yet, I know giving up is to give up on life, but not giving up means the people that love me dearly will need to suffer with me as I try to rid of the monster within me.

    Bookmark   March 3, 2007 at 6:35AM
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Madame, you are reed in the wind.

    Bookmark   March 4, 2007 at 7:35PM
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It has been one year since my last posting.... I have stop the verbal abuse about one year now, something changed in me after my last posting, I learned to control my urge to lash out, I wrote a couple of long letters to my husband when I felt angry during the past year, no abuse, just how I truly felt, we talked afterwards and we learned to not yelled at each other anymore.

It is now a year from my last posting, I found myself in a different situation and needing help again.....

My husband has been doing very well at his new job (one year now), he gets up 5:30AM-6AM in the morning and easily puts in 60 hours/week every week. He seems much more confident and much happier since he started his job, he tries very hard at it, his boss even told him, don't try to do everything himself and afraid he might get burned out. I know he is doing it for us, I appreciate it and have shown more love to him. We haven't fought much, he has learned to start hugging me when we disagree, it stops the escalation of emotions and it seems to work very well with us, we have gotten much closer the past few months with me being much softer, more giving and understanding.

About 1 months ago, I started to feel this hollowness in my heart, I felt it the strongest last Wed night when walking in the parking lot going to my yoga class. I felt alone and my heart was aching..... I started to realized I feel very alone in the relationship, while my husband is trying hard to provide for us financially, I start to not feel the love and tenderness that he has shown in the past (perhaps the verbal abuse from me in the past has affected him in a long lasting way). I am often left alone to deal with my sadness, he stays away when I am in a sad mood, in his mind, he is giving me time to work out my emotions, to me he doesn't care enough.

My husband doesn't seem to have ownership of the marraige, such as take initiative to see what needs fixing around the house, clean out the garage or knowing my car needs fixing but never bother to ask if I needed a ride? He would only do certain things when I ask him to, I start to wonder how much he cares about our life together? He gets defensive after I ask him if he has done certain things (often time he has not done them) I don't bring them up anymore..... Little things start to accumulate in my mind, I sometimes feel unhappy but don't want to make a big deal out of things, but they seem to all came at once last Wed night.

This hollow feeling in my heart.... I tried hard to forget but perhaps I have never forgiven him for the fights we had during my miscarriage in late 2006, perhaps I have never forgiven him for playing golf with his friends the day after my Mom's operation to remove a tumor, he fight with me when he got home while I had been in the hospital for over 12 hours and was both physically and mentally exhausted.... (he has always been very supportive, I know no one is perfect, but these 2 things always surface when I feel down), I don't know if it is something my heart is trying to tell me....

    Bookmark   March 8, 2008 at 3:04PM
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Mary, I do think you're overthinking it. A year ago you were miserable because he wasn't a hard worker. Now he is working hard, but you are unhappy because he "doesn't seem to care enough." When I read what's still bothering you (playing golf on the wrong day, not cleaning the garage, getting defensive when you criticize) it looks to me like you are at risk of clasping small injuries to your bosom and nurturing them. Having an affair is a big deal. Not cleaning the garage is normal behavior for a large section of the population-- I include my husband and myself in that. My suggestion is that you try modeling the behavior you want to elicit-- in other words, if you want him to think of small things to please you, think of small things to please him. If you want the garage cleaned, clean it-- (it's perfectly kosher to ask for his help!) Another bit of advice which seems contradictory... If you can't stand being alone, don't get married. That sounds really grim, it's not meant to be. What I take from it is that you have to be a whole person and not just half of someone else, able to take care of yourself reasonably well and find ways to meet little unmet needs, so that you don't develop into a sucking black hole for your poor spouse who is supposed to figure out every tiny detail of what it takes to keep you going. It does sound like you've both done great in the past year and should be celebrated for that. My guess is that everyone feels empty or anxious at times-- it's part of being human. Doesn't necessarily mean your spouse is falling down on the job.

If your DH really does have the inattentive type of ADD, things like asking if you need a ride may be excrutiatingly obvious to you, but to the ADD person (trust me on this) they just fall right out of our holey brains. Doesn't mean we don't adore our spouses. We just can't track too much at one time. Feel free to issue kindly reminders. I for one appreciate my husband's gentle "Did you happen to remember to..." which helps me keep up with our complicated lives.

    Bookmark   March 10, 2008 at 4:25PM
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