intimacy issues with my husband

restless.DJanuary 15, 2013

Im not sexually needy, at least i don't think so. but i do crave affection. i desire simple touch, the occasional back rub, or passionate kisses here and there. my husband tells me all the time he wants to be more affectionate and make me feel good in more ways just than sexually. there is quiet an age difference and i wonder if that has something to do with his lack of affection. we are 30yrs. apart. i am younger. our normal routine(which needs improvement also)is we have sex,and he gets pleasure.(i have a problem being pleasured with intercourse due to some past issues, and can only be pleasured orally)so we have intercourse, and he gets off, but then hell get up, smoke a cigarette, grab some coffee and turn on the t.v. i mention to him constantly i feel neglected because he knows intercourse brings no "final" pleasure with me, and he just gets off and leaves me in bed to feel like somethings wrong with me.he does feel bad and tells me he wants to take care of me but doesnt follow through much.when he does feel like taking care of me its hours after intercourse and the "mood of the moment" is gone and i dont feel like its meaningful. i feel like when he does pleasure me its out of guilt because he knows it bothers me. i have came across the thought of leaving, but it went out of my mind as soon as it enters. regardless of intimacy issues we have a great relationship and have fun being in one anothers company wich is important to me. i am madly in love with him, just needing some advice on how to help him WANT to be more intimant with me. in his past marriage his wife neglected him for 12 yrs. no sex for 8yrs. at all. i wonder if that has something to do with him being uncomftorable initiated intimacy because for 8 years he didnt even kiss his wife. i understand that probably affected him and might be the reason for my trouble, but how do i "get him back into intimacy". i know hes cappable of it, i just need to bring it back out of him. any help is much appreciated. thank you.

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Hello Restless,

I can't give you any direct advice, because I am so new at this whole relationship thing (my husband is my very first relationship in ALL ways). He's older than me by almost 14 years, so I'm a little bit in the "older spouse" category.

But anyway, someone on this board recommended to me the Five Languages of Love and it really was SO helpful. It was actually the closest my husband would get to any kind of counseling or help with our issues. It led to both of us gradually changing some things in the relationship for the better.

If you look at my first thread "is this a healthy/unhealthy marriage (or something like that), the direct link is in there somewhere. Ir might even be my second thread after that one, but it contains a lot of helpful links, and the Five Love Languages was the best for us. You probably could even google it as well to find it.

I hope it helps!

P.S. my little attempt at some advice: do you initiate the type of affection with your husband that you desire? Maybe that could clue you in as to if he is receptive to putting more affection into your marriage? My husband responds to gestures of affection from me more than anything else. His love language is touch, though ...

This post was edited by wifey1281 on Wed, Jan 16, 13 at 11:40

    Bookmark   January 16, 2013 at 9:45AM
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How about insisting he "pleasure" you first before he gets his? :)

You say you can not be pleasured with intercourse due to some "past issues", are these past issues something that can be helped by counseling?

    Bookmark   January 16, 2013 at 4:12PM
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Maybe I just look too realistically at things...but marrying someone THIRTY YEARS older than you, then complaining about not being compatible in terms of love/sex/affection....isn't this a bit of a stretch?

My dad is 30 years older than me (I'm in my 40s). He is pretty much always grumpy, isolated and complains about the government and the weather all the time. 30 years ago he was a successful businessman, a great father and husband, and a pretty happy, well-adjusted man, all things considered.

People change with age, usually not for the best. If you think 30 years from now you will want the same amount of love/sex/affection that you do now, you are delirious.

    Bookmark   January 16, 2013 at 7:03PM
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Yes I tend to agree with mkroopy. Perhaps it is a bit of wishful thinking expecting somebody to change.

Lets face it old is old, and young people have more energy.

But perhaps you could lead by example.

Remember that you should treat people how you want to be treated.

If you have a complaint - ask yourself what YOU could do about it.

Sounds like you need a change in thinking to get the change you want.

    Bookmark   January 17, 2013 at 8:24PM
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mkroopy makes sense to me, too.

If he his in his 50's to your 20's, maybe a doctor can help.

    Bookmark   January 29, 2013 at 12:47PM
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