Would you think he is cheating?

tinyladyJanuary 13, 2006

When I met him we became friends, we laughed together, talked about things. I told him that honesty was very important to me. But I am finding that he is not honest with me in many ways. But I do not know how to confront him with it. I went through this before, and I know what the outcome will be. He will get angry and defencive. What he does not seem to understnad that when I find that he has not been honest with me I withdraw from him. I do not feel the same now. Having sex with him is hard cause I feel that the dishonesty is putting a wedge between us and he does not even know it. Like right now I took off from work because I did not feel good, so he thinks I am at work. He gets off at 4:30, and it is now 7:00. Where is he. I see where he calls someone before he leaves work. I have access to the phone records since I pay them. Who does he call on his way to work and when he gets off?

I found out that he has a porn on his computor which I do not mind but when he hides it I feel that he is lieing to me. Which he is cause he always told me that he didnt watch that stuff. When I mention us watching them he says no I do not like that stuff.

He says he has been working around the house all night when I get home from work, but I can tell that not much has been done. So I do not know when he got home. I work a lot of nights.

What should I do?

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Not4Ever

It does not even matter if he is cheating! Just ask yourself if you want to live in doubt like this for the rest of YOUR life. Just be honest with yourself and you will have your answer.

Best of luck to you!

    Bookmark   January 13, 2006 at 9:11PM
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gurley157fs

This is not a hard question folks. If you are not happy then end it.

Why do people stay in relationships that are miserable?

If you have children then the issue is more complicated. You must consider the well-being of your children before anything else.

However if you do not have children then why stay in an unhappy relationship?

I asked my daughter the same question. She was in a relationship for over a year with someone that she was not happy with. I finally told her to stop complaining to me about him. She was complaining about him constantly but still chose to be with him and I was tired of hearing about it.

Do people stay with someone they don't trust, enjoy, whatever because they are afraid of being alone?

I really don't understand it.

After my divorce from my first husband I dated some but refused to let any man ruin any part of my life. I loved my time being single. My apartment was decorated exactly like I wanted it. I came and went whenever I pleased. I cooked when and if I felt like it. IT WAS GREAT!!

Only reason I ever got married is because I was introduced to the sort of man that I thought didn't really exist! He cooks, cleans, spoils me rotten, takes care of me when I feel bad, and on and on and so forth.

Bottom line here folks. We don't have a lot of time here on this earth - why spend it with people you are so unhappy with. Get a cat, a dog, do voluteer work, something. There is nothing wrong with being single as opposed to being miserable.

    Bookmark   January 13, 2006 at 9:28PM
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awbrey

I belive you should go on your gut feeling it is probley right.

    Bookmark   January 14, 2006 at 1:08AM
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bnicebkind

I have never done this, so I have no idea what it would cost to have a private investigator follow him for a few hours, a few days in a row, but it might give you the answers that you are looking for, and that may give you either peace of mind, or the knowledge of the direction you need to go.

    Bookmark   January 14, 2006 at 11:44AM
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bnicebkind

By the way tinylady...do you have children?

    Bookmark   January 14, 2006 at 8:28PM
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mgmsrk

You are asking a internet forum a lot of questions you should be asking your husband. Why do you care if he is going to get angry and defensive, if he is lying to you?

Life is too short to waste your time and energy in a relationship that makes you unhappy.

    Bookmark   January 15, 2006 at 10:15PM
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stoneybaloney

I don't care for confrontation, so I would try to find out answers BEFORE I confronted him.

Who answers the phone at that number he's calling every night? I'd have called it by now ... from work, from a payphone, from home, from a frend's phone ... and I probably would take off from work early and then follow him to see where he goes.

And when I knew the answers to my questions, I would talk to him and see what he says, whether he lied about it.

    Bookmark   January 15, 2006 at 11:49PM
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bnicebkind

I find it sad that some people on the forum have so little respect and commitment to a marriage. They have told you it does not matter if he is cheating or not, simply if you are not happy, they advise you to simply leave your husband.
I disagree. A marriage is an important relationship, that you have vowed to stick it out "for better or worse" with the husband or wife that you have chosen. For those who have been in long marriages, they have the wisdom to understand that there are seasons in a marriage that one or the other may not be particularly "happy". There are times when they may question why they are even with that person. There are other times when they are so thankful for him/her. But through perseverance through the hard times, they learn the value of contentment in being with a spouse who is as committed to them, as they are in return. They find joy in understanding that the person with them is not going to walk out on them simply because they do not "feel happy" right now. People of character are those who are not blown about by their "feelings of the moment". Our feeling lie and deceive us. They are able to rise above their "feelings of the moment" and do what is right.
A marriage is (and should be) different than dating... when dating, they are right...if you are not happy, then why are you still dating that person? But a marriage should be so much bigger than that. But sadly, for many people, it is not, and they are unwilling to go through the hard stuff. And many end up married several times in their lifetime. I have friends whose parents have been married three, four and five times. There is no "home" they can go back to, because dad's new wife doesn't want them there, and mom's new boyfriend is a jerk.
I also have many friends whose parents have been married 40-50 years. They know where home is and they know where they fit in and belong, and that their parents love them to come over with the kids. They are a family. Was it easy...no. Was it worth it...yes.

I am responding to how easily others advised you to walk out on your husband...stating that the truth didn't matter. Only whether you were happy mattered. But the truth does matter. What if he suspected you of having an affair, simply because you worked nights. And his "friends" told him to leave you without even bothering to find out if this were true. What kind of "friends" would they be, who would so casually destroy your marriage and family?
If he is having an affair, you need to know this, because it matters, and you will have to make decisions based on that. If you have children...what decisions you make will impact their lives in ways you cannot imagine right now. If you do not have children, and "if" he really is having an affair, than this is the time to think about whether this is the kind of man you build a family with. Is he someone who has integrity, and someone you can count on through good times and bad? Or is he blown about like the wind...by his feelings of the moment...someone you can count on only if he is "happy"?

    Bookmark   January 17, 2006 at 11:07AM
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bnicebkind

I have bumped up a thread titled: "When a husband says I'm not happy anymore" in response to the posters on this thread who advised tiny lady to simply walk out of her marriage if she was not happy right now, and not even to bother finding out the truth of whether or not he may be cheating.
For those of you who feel that if someone does not feel happy, they should just walk, you will probably disagree with what I posted on her thread "when a husband says he is not happy anymore" - and my comments and opinions on this can be read under bnicebkind march 16, 05 and march 17, 05.
I am curious for those of you offering the advice to walk, as to which kind of man you would want to be married to with a newborn baby and a two year old. The kind of man who follows his "feelings" from woman to woman, or the kind that is willing to be a man and stand by you and your children no matter what!

    Bookmark   January 17, 2006 at 7:45PM
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Not4Ever

bnicebkind --- READ her post! She does NOT say she is married. Not sure where you got the marriage deal --- & yes liars & cheaters do not deserve a relationship with an honest person! What kind of a relationship can you have with ANYBODY if you can NOT trust them? So; be nice & read --- be kind and think how you would feel in her shoes.

    Bookmark   January 17, 2006 at 8:29PM
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bnicebkind

When she mentioned that he said that he has been working all night around the house, and when she gets "home" she can tell that he hasn't done much, and she mentions that she pays the bills...sounded very much like a married couple. But my guess is that you are perhaps right...she did not say that they were married, so perhaps they are not. And yet so many young people have children and become a family with "boyfriends" - guys who are unwilling to commit to them, and yet they have children together.

    Bookmark   January 17, 2006 at 10:37PM
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Not4Ever

bnicebkind ---- She does not mention ANYTHING about children either. If there were kids she would have said something about them! They are most likely BF & GF living together.

    Bookmark   January 17, 2006 at 11:08PM
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bnicebkind

By the way...where is tinylady? She posts on the forum, and we have not heard back from her. But back to the point. I think that she needs to find out what the truth is. Then she will think things through and know better what direction to go in.

    Bookmark   January 17, 2006 at 11:16PM
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rosewood42

not a long post but if he's not honest with you on something so major as cheating i say runnnnnnnnnnnnnn if you are not going to put on your track shoes and get out of there then i see CONDOMS at all times in your future with him, but why risk having sex with all those other people or person that he's having sex with, and trust me they always tell you when you find out yeah they are cheating that they used condoms, thats a big lie

    Bookmark   January 18, 2006 at 1:45AM
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tinylady

Sorry it took me so long to come back, I have been busy.
He says he is still happy and loves me with all his heart. But I think since I was in a cheating marriage before I see things that I do not like. He does not think that if he lies to me about small stuff that it is ok. I do not see it that way. Lies are lies, holding out on telling me the truth about small stuff makes me wonder what else he is not teliing me. I told him before we got married that he could tell me that he loved me all he wanted, but of he was not honest with me all that love meant nothing. I went through that before. Saying I love you is easy, showing it is harder. I know he has taken off from work when I was working by looking at his paycheck and seeing that he has used up some his vacation and sick time. I wonder where did he go what did he do. He has a lock on his PC so no one can get on it. I do not think he understands that doing these things makes me wonder. I tell him everything, I have nothing to hide.I know that he goes on my PC to see what I am doing....lol.
I guess with us not having sex that often does not help. Since we have been arguing a lot about the remodel of the kitchen and the nasty things he has said to me I do not feel like I did before. How can I? I do not feel that he respects me and my thoughts and ideas. And his love making seems to be all about making him happy. We do not have conversations like we use to, because he does not listen to me. We are not the freinfds that we were before the marriage and him taking over my home. It was mine before we married. Now he makes most of all the decsions,he wont let me do much. He is always telling me that I dont know what I am doing.
OK this one was long enough.
Thanks for the advise. I will take all of it and think of what to do or how to talk to him.

    Bookmark   January 30, 2006 at 9:20AM
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bnicebkind

Anyone who has to have a lock on their computer appears to be hiding something. Otherwise, why would a spouse need to lock his computer? So... what is he trying to hide from you? With the secrets...one begins to wonder "who" that person REALLY is and exactly what they are trying to hide.

    Bookmark   January 30, 2006 at 5:55PM
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tinylady

By the way yes we are married, almost 3 years. Children are all grown and out of the house. We are in our late 40's to 50. This not our first marriage. I just worry that my paranoia from my other marriage is running over to this one.

    Bookmark   January 31, 2006 at 1:01PM
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intherain

Tinylady, I agree that it seems odd that he has to have a lock on his computer, and has taken time off work without telling you. You have every right to be suspicious. One of the first thing's my sister's H did during his affair was put passwords on everything and would not share these passwords with her. I'm not meaning to jump to conclusions, but it does seem suspicious.

    Bookmark   February 1, 2006 at 12:24AM
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bnicebkind

tinylady...if your best friend were in your shoes, what steps would you tell her to do...to find out if her fears were valid, or unwarranted?

    Bookmark   February 2, 2006 at 2:54PM
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bnicebkind

How are you doing tinylady?

    Bookmark   February 18, 2006 at 8:28AM
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