I can't find my own post lol! plese help with this about my MIL.

ihatetheevilwomanJanuary 24, 2007

Hi all I really have no idea where to begin, my MIL is so evil and terrible and coniving that I could go on forever! The thing with her is that she is an actress as well as a terrible dispiciple lady! Well here it go's she will do very mean and hurtfull things to me and this is only to me when no one is around she has learnt how to make it look like she loves me in front of my husband and her family. On special occasions she acts like a loving and careing woman and she acts quite normal, but underneath it all she is the worst person I've ever met in my life!!! Weh I tell my husband he just sayd I'm overreacting and blows it off as well as the others in her family. She has learnt that by being terrible to me behind everyones back it makes me look bad when I act like I don't like her even hate her cause she puts on such a good act. I don't know what to do anymore I'm at my witts end!! I need help, advice, ect. PLEASE!!! I can no longer live this way she badgers me and calls me all day asking about our bills asks me when I'm going to get a job cause I'm a stay at home mom. Like I said before the list go's on and on forever! Please help me!! someone!! Thanks


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If you have caller-ID use it... also when she ask personal questions that are clearly none of her business smile and change the subject or politly ask her a personal question she dosent want to answer. For the sake of getting along with the in-laws....kill her with kindness in front of others. When she harasses you about getting a Job tell her that her son and grandchildren are your job and if you worked outside the home it wouldn't be in the best intrest of your family. Tell her the same thing everytime she ask and she will get tired of getting the same answer and quit asking. She sounds like a sad person so bored and unhappy with her own life that she wants to stick their nose into yours. Like they say misery loves company....so be happy and dont let her bring you down to her level. Right now she is making you as miserable as she is, and as long as she can do it... she will keep doing it!!
Good Luck!

    Bookmark   January 24, 2007 at 8:55PM
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You said: "Weh I tell my husband he just sayd I'm overreacting and blows it off as well as the others in her family."

How many "others" are you talking about here? Are you saying that you are the only one among all her family members that knows this about her?

Just one opinion at this point: I don't answer nosey personal questions from anyone. If they repeat the performance I directly tell them I regard that as personal infomation and prefer not to discuss it. Then I change the subject and move the conversation along as if nothing untoward had happened. Normal people take that hint readily. If they repeat after that, I conclude their offense is intentional and I confront them directly.

From your description, I'm wondering if you have clarity about where your own personal boundaries lie.

I'm also concerned that you seem unable to get your husband's serious attention.

I sense more complexity than you've described.

    Bookmark   January 24, 2007 at 9:36PM
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I would "try" to ignore her and not make her so important to you and your marriage.

The fact is, she is your husband's mother and he will love her no matter what...she could be a mass murderer and he will still stick up for her and love her. If you understand that as a fact and not try to compete with it or make him choose sides, it may help matters. Granted, I know there are times where he may need to side with you, but generally I would not hold it too much against him if he doesn't view her the same way you do no matter how many stories you tell him about her.

The best bet is just to keep your distance. Be cordial to her and leave it at that. You don't have to show your true feelings towards her...or act like you dislike/hate her in front of other people. Everyone needs to put on a fake face from time to time just to get along in life.

But, if my MIL consistantly asked me about bills and told me I should be getting a job, etc...I'd probably jokingly laugh at her and tell her to talk to her own son about finding a better paying job so that money wasn't such a problem. (Not that you want to go off on your husband, but it may shut her up). Just respond to her comments in a non defensive or joking way. If she doesn't think she is getting to you, she may stop trying to push your buttons.

    Bookmark   January 26, 2007 at 12:21AM
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You have a few choices here:
1. Do not have anything to do with her (This is what I do..to He11 with the "but he is your husband's mother")...my DH and I have talked about this extensively, and he knows that if this were a stranger he would NOT let them treat me this way, same for a distant relative...so Same goes for her. I do not associate with her. And if people tell me that is disrespectful to him I tell them that NO that is not true, you see, but him letting someone treat me like sh1t, that is disrespectful to me. I am treating his mother as a non-issue. If I have to be around her I am respectful to her and no more. SO, do not talk to her. You don't have to, it is not mandatory. You don't have to be her friend. You can PICK your friends, you can't pick your relatives. If people ask you anything about it, say "we have nothing in common except our love for her son" (Which is true). There is nothing wrong with this. When she does ask about finances...tell her that is her son's responsibility, and she should talk to him. When she ask about you getting a job...if your son is in the room, refer to him...Honey, am I not working in the home? If you don't talk to her outside of when your husband is there, she can't manilipulate you. SO in otherwords, take the control away from her and give it back to yourself. If you know she will only do this when you're alone or out of earshot of other people...DO NOT PUT YOURSELF IN THAT SITUATION. If you cannot avoid that..practice being a broken record. If you know the questions she'll ask, write them down and write down the answrs you will ALWAYS give, and always give them, or variaions of them.....When are you going to get a job...I have a job raising my son. So when are you going to get a job. I'm sorry, I'm busy raising my son, I don't have time for a job outside my home. When are you getting a job. I have a job raising my son. ALWAYS SAY THOSE TWO PHRASES. She'll get the hint. Do that for all the questions. She'll get pissed..why, you've taken the control away from her. No joking it away, serious statements. That is why you write them down, so it is always the same. If she is persistant...You have to go. Phones are an interesting intsrument, you don't have to pick them up, and YOU can hang up on the person on the otherend without their permission...because YOU HAVE THE POWER.

#2 you can let her walk all over you and be miserable.


    Bookmark   January 26, 2007 at 7:40AM
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Someone lent me the new book (on CD) by Dr laura Schlessinger "The proper Care and Feeding of Marriage", and she covers this. They may have it at your library. The book may cover it more in depth...but on the CD (it is on the 6th CD, and I think it is no#6) where she talks about an in-law disliking the husband or wife and treating them poorly. Dr. Laura stands up to this behavior, and speaks to the spouse whose parent is doing this. She tells them that their parent(s) either treat their wife with respect and kindness, or they are excluded from their lives. The price of admission into your lives is respect and kindness.

I personally have mixed feelings about excluding parents, and yet, they are "choosing" their behavior, and there should be consequences to their bad behavior, I suppose. They DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT to treat you like this. And if she "chooses" to behave poorly, then I suppose that you and your DH need to set up what your response (together) will be. What bounderies you two will have in your marriage. Biblically, when a man marries, he leaves his mother and father and clings to his wife...as they set up their own family. Your DH should honor his parents, but his loyality needs to be with "you" now, so that you two are a solid team, to raise your children. You need to know that he has your back and will protect you...even from his own parents. His parents need to understand that he loves them, and honors them, but that he will side with his wife, because it strengthens the bond you two have, and therefore, strengthens his marriage and family.

For your part, behave with grace. Perhaps if she says something out of ear shot of others, ask her to repeat what she said, as if you didn't hear her. Perhaps you can lead her over to your DH and then repeat what she just said to you. She will begin to understand that it is no longer in secret, but that you are sharing it each and every time with your DH. Then walk away. (Set up ahead of time, or do some practice sessions with your DH ahead of time what his response is to be in these situations, so that unprepared, he does not unknowingly "side" with her, making you look foolish. Be polite and respectful, as you would if it was your DH's boss. But try and heal your emotions by understanding that she does not determine your value as a human being. So don't knock yourself out trying to please or impress her. Just go about being the best "you" that you can be for yourself and your DH and children.

    Bookmark   January 26, 2007 at 11:07AM
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i just wanted to say thankyou to all of you that commented my post! It actualy has helped me out alot especialy the repeating the same things to her in the last 2 days I've used that because she calls 4985490358 times a day LOL!
As far as some of the questions that some of you were asking about this situation... "asolo" there are others in her family that knows as what they call a little fruity but it's more than fruity to me those people aren't married to her son if they were she wouldn't just be fruity to them anymore either. if you know what I mean. and yes you are 100% right about my husband he doesn't take this seriously at all! I've tried to tell him and he starts to get angry with me for saying these things about his mother. He is what I and almost everyone else he knows calls a momma boy in the true sense of the word so yes it is alot more complex than I let on, but I do love him and I needed to find out how to deal with this. It is a huge problem in our life though I don't know how much more I can really take it's unfortunate because when for some reason she is out of town or not calling we have a great marrage it's when she's there we argue she starts alot of the fight proding him with things that she thinks I shouold be doing better or acting like. Thats why I say it now and I will say it probably a hundred more times... I hate the evil woman!!!!!
But again thankyou so much it has helped believe it or not. :)

    Bookmark   January 26, 2007 at 1:06PM
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If you can get straight with your husband, I'll bet everything else will fall into place. I am most concerned about that apparent disconnect about an issue that affects your home directly. He needs to acknowledge the issue.

    Bookmark   January 26, 2007 at 2:16PM
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Don't answer her calls at all for a few weeks, no matter how many times she calls, and when she calls when your DH is home, let him answer it. You need caller ID.

Do not answer any of her questions about your bills. It is none of her business and tell her so. If she doesn't like your answer, tell her she can ask your husband.

Also people that are like this can be mentally ill with borderline personality disorder or something. You will not help these people. You must learn to deal with them in your own way. And make your DH deal with her more.

Throw the ball into his court and just refuse to deal with the irrational person. Sounds like you definitely a time out from her or you will say or do something you regret and let DH know that.

    Bookmark   January 26, 2007 at 4:47PM
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I disagree with making hubby role play on how to disarm mom... I assume you and mom in law both love him and putting him in the middle and making him choose may backfire. Most people dont want to hear bad things about the woman that gave birth to them. It makes them go defensive... not because they doubt what you say but because they feel they owe "mom" for raising them. But put on the spot they are gonna stick up for their mom.... right or wrong its just something we all feel the need to do. I think that not answering all those calls a day will stop some of the hassle (caller ID)
Im not saying hide the stuff from hubby .... let him know but dont make him choose sides. After that handle it on your terms. Its your family and your business and if you choose not to share with her its your right. Let her know.... nicely... that she raised her family without people butting in and now its your turn. AND STICK TO IT!
Try to be as nice as possible but be firm on your decision and it may take awhile but im sure she will finally realize that your not gonna put up with her rude behaviour.

    Bookmark   January 26, 2007 at 11:56PM
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I wouldn't answer the phone ever when she calls.

2nd...if she catches you and says something about you getting a job, I would just say that you and DH have decided that you are a stay at home mom and that you are done talking about it.

If she brings it up again, I would simply say, This is not up for discussion.

I agree about putting your husband in the middle. It may very well backfire. I am sure in his eyes his mamma can do no wrong. My aunt in law is like that with my cousin in law's wife.

    Bookmark   January 28, 2007 at 8:06PM
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Change you "hate" into feeling sorry for your MIL.

Hate will just make you miserable.

Make your decision about how you will react, with grace and dignity, and I am sure slowly things will change and it will all calm down.

Go for a walk and clear your mind, it always works for me.


    Bookmark   January 29, 2007 at 2:16AM
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I don't post often and I may be completely wrong here, but I see a much greater issue than your MIL. I think nothing is going to change until you get some things straight with your husband. If he is not "taking you seriously", you have a problem. If he is getting "angry with you for saying things about his mother", you have a problem (unless you are simply ranting and calling her every name in the book without trying to solve anything).

bnicebkind said it correctly - "Biblically, when a man marries, he leaves his mother and father and clings to his wife...as they set up their own family. Your DH should honor his parents, but his loyality needs to be with "you" now, so that you two are a solid team, to raise your children. You need to know that he has your back and will protect you...even from his own parents. His parents need to understand that he loves them, and honors them, but that he will side with his wife, because it strengthens the bond you two have, and therefore, strengthens his marriage and family." If this isn't happening (and it sounds like it isn't), you have far worse problems than a meddling MIL.

Your husband MUST figure out where his loyalities lie. I'm not saying for you to throw down an ultimatum, but he married YOU and he has to figure out the YOU and your happiness come first, if this marriage is to work. When he has that figured out, then tackle the MIL.

This is not to say that this is HIS fault, but he needs to understand what "forsaking all others" meant in your vows.

You, also have work to do. It's one thing to vent on these boards (that's the perfect place for it), but you must remember to treat his mom with respect and kindness. No, you don't have to put up with a lot of crap. Taking the advise of the other posters here would be a great start. But don't call his Mom names or badmouth her while trying to talk to him about these problems. I think that if he sees that you are showing his Mom some respect, he will be more likely (hopefully) to show you respect in this instance.

    Bookmark   February 2, 2007 at 2:48PM
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We have it the other way around, the MIL waits until I am out of the room and then begins to pump the hubby, through him I found out she thought I was going to "damage" my son for homeschooling him (he had a diagnosis of ADD)before this happened I worked away from home and she told him it was a mistake, that I was not properly caring for the children, make up your mind already woman! Backfired big time! When we go around them I stick to his side like a flea on a dog, if she calls I talk to her instead of him:) she still comes and gets the grandkids for outings so they aren't missing out on grandparent time (even though she pumps the older boy for info on my mother and has told him that my mom is going to you know where for believing in the indian ways) I am thinking she just don't like other women being in her mens lives (her husband, 2 sons, and 2 grandkids) funny how MIL's can be, I am just glad DH knows exactly what she is doing and is wise to it.
Tape her on your answering machine maybe? Then ask him to check the messages for you? On my moms if you wait until the machine picks up to pick up the call it will record the conversation you are having:) just a idea.

    Bookmark   February 6, 2007 at 2:11AM
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DO NOT call the phone # the original poster included.

I apologize if there's an innocent explanation (like she just made up a phone # for some reason), but the information operator could not find a 498 area code.

There are scam offshore & foreign phone companies that charge horrible rates, like $1000 a minute, & you cannot get them off your bill.

    Bookmark   February 13, 2007 at 3:32PM
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I took that number as the number of times the woman calls, not the phone number she calls. Hmmm


    Bookmark   February 13, 2007 at 5:32PM
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Vickey, I bet you're right.

    Bookmark   February 14, 2007 at 12:18PM
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I took it as the number of times she called too, not the number. But, why exactly would anyone try calling it even if it were the phone number? I say if someone is going to bother trying to call the number for whatever reason, they probably deserve being charged a horrible rate --LOL!

    Bookmark   February 14, 2007 at 6:42PM
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Hi all no I meant thats the number of times she calls in a day lol! I was trying to show how much she calls. Well she's still up to her old ways but I do not talk to her anymore I still hate her she just sucks up to my husband and tries to find out whats going on in every aspext of our lives! I hate her! lol talk to you all later. :) Thanks for all your advice greatly!!

    Bookmark   February 15, 2007 at 2:50PM
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Stop giving your MIL the power to affect you. Disarm her. You don't have to eliminate her from your life, just put it into perspective. I don't agree that your husband has to side with you when his mother is wrong. If she has done something to annoy you, tell her, not your husband. The beef is with her, not your husband. Stop holding your husband accountable for his mother's actions.

You are not going to get your husband to defend you to his mother and even if he did, what good would that do? Would you rather he force his mother to be nice to you? What would that accomplish? It would make you look weak. You want your MIL to see you as a strong, capable and mature woman. Act that way.

It would be silly to not ever see the woman again as that would ruin the total family dynamic. If you don't want to be in the same room with her at a family function, find a seat in the kitchen or whatever room she is not in. IT can be done gracefully and tactfully.

"I don't think that is any of your concern" would be my response if MIL questioned anything of me that I did not want to share with her. Once you start straightening your back and stop being the "wounded" party, things will change.

    Bookmark   February 15, 2007 at 2:53PM
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Popi and Labmomma offer the best advice and remember:

Fear is the path of the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.

    Bookmark   February 17, 2007 at 10:40AM
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labmomma...how does one stop giving a MIL the power to affect you? What if she has a critical, mean, or overbearing personality, and because she is family, you have to see her regularly? What if everytime she sees you she is critical of everything you do? How do you grow a backbone, if someone is trying to rob you of your self confidence, and make you second guess yourself?

Can you tell her how to go about life, not being affected by someone trying their best to make her feel small?

I am just curious how you would advise her to handle this differently, and more importantly, how to feel differently when being confronted by a person like this whom she cannot avoid in her life?

Good advice, just explain to her "how" ( a script would be nice) to respond differently, that would help her to take back her power, and find the respect she needs.

    Bookmark   February 20, 2007 at 2:40PM
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I look at this a little differently. I took the RELATIVE part out of this equation, and said to myself....would I allow someone to always PUNCH me whenever they saw me...HE11 NO. And that's what she is doing. So peopel say "keep peace in the family", I say "I am IMPORTANT", and because of that "I DO NOT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN TO ME". And you knwo what, I don't. I do NOT allow myself to be put into situation where harm will knowingly happen. If that means that if I am at my MIL's house and I know she will be nasty to me, I will not allow that to happen. If that means I won't go there, then so be it. DH and I have discussed this in length (and with the help and advise of a marriage counselor I will add), and he has come to the realization that this is what is best. You see, I wouldn't let someone hurt my kids, be it my husband (their relative) or a stranger. WHy would I let a relative hurt me, I'm important too. OP, you are IMPORTANT, you deserve to be treated with respect. You need to decide how you will DEMAND and COMMAND that respect. Demand by only allowing it (or not allowing it to happen as in not being with MIL), or COMMANDING it..by runnign the show as I stated in my original post.


    Bookmark   February 20, 2007 at 3:38PM
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bnicebkind, I am sure you are suspect about my advice. However, I have an exact replica of OP's MIL. MIL is the most overbearing, rude, miserable, critical (and those are the nice descriptions) individual I know.

I found that once I stopped taking her comments to heart and let it go in one ear and out the other (rather than engaging her and allowing her to make me feel insecure), I was able to straighten my back, listen to her comments, consider the source, respond politely and wait for her to leave. My MIL is a person who's thoughts never process in her brain, they come straight out of her mouth without thought that one or another comment may be offensive, hurtful, critical, etc. If you don't allow someone to hurt you, you take the power away from them. Fake it at first if you have to, and eventually you will actually feel it.

I spent years crying to my husband when I would have to be in her presence and she belittled me. DH gave me good advice. Call her on it. When she says something that you don't like, tell her. I do now. I never raise my voice, I never get worked up, I just tell her straight up what I don't like. I do not let her ruffle my feathers. It works better to disagree with her in the moment and then there aren't residual feelings of hurt or insecurity. It actually works like a charm. The incidents are fewer and further between.

I also realized that I did not want my husband to fight my battles and I certainly did not want my husband to insist his mother like me. If she doesn't like me, I no longer care. When I started realizing that my life was none of her business, I did have the backbone to tell her so when she asked an improper financial question or a question I felt was too personal.

Everyone has to go with their own comfort zone. I hated that she got to me regularly. I was feeling insecure, which I hated since that is not me. MIL knew she was pushing my buttons and worse, I was letting her. I have now diffused her and she no longer has that power to aggravate, hurt or insult me.

I posted about just taking a seat in another room rather than ruin the whole family dynamic. That is what I do. I don't want to be the cause of everyone not being able to celebrate a holiday together. If MIL has pi$$ed me off recently, I just say hello when I walk in and go on my way to a different room. Of course, we will have to sit at the same table for dinner, but there are usually other family members and actually, they all know how she is. It isn't just me she unleashes this behavior on. She is rude to everyone at times, including strangers in public. We joke in the family that she has Turrets. Who would be hurt if I refused to go to family functions that she was attending. My DD wouldn't see her cousins, I love my SIL and the other family members. Actually, I'd be spiting myself.

When I came into DH family, the dynamic was different, I was younger. I soon had a baby with many health problems which were not expected. MIL found a place to be critical and be overbearing in the advice department. I finally just told her that I was following what my DD's doctors wanted me to do and that when she completed her medical degree I would take her advice. Now, I don't feel insecure at all, I ignore her, come back at her, listen and let it go in one ear and out the other, or whatever it takes so as not to give her the satisfaction of upsetting, insulting me. I think as I grew older I also got alot wiser and realized that in the whole scheme of things, MIL was a blip on the radar.

Example - new floor laid recently in kitchen, laundry and my office. MIL comes over unannounced/uninvited. Comments how nice the floor looks but the color really isn't right, such and such color would have been much better. Response: This is the color I chose because DH and I like it. End of subject, diffused her.

Do I hate that she is the way she is, yes indeed. Will I allow her to abuse me the way she did for years, never again, nor will I have my husband fight my battles for me.

Example: I attend a family (DH relatives) shower. Arrive with MIL & SIL. We sit down to eat at a very long table full of women. MIL stands up and introduces SIL to several women SIL did not know. I knew a few, but not many. She did not even acknowledge that I was seated in the room. When she was finished her introductions, I stood up and introduced myself as my DH's wife. It got the point across that I am worthy, whether she thinks so or not. I think she also looked badly to the relatives whom I did know who were watching her intentionally ignore me.

I am sorry if my examples seem pollyanna, but they have worked for me. I don't feel badly, insecure, hurt or any other adjective that I formerly felt when MIL would descend on my home or when I had to interact with her.

I also have never asked my husband to choose to one of us. That would be wrong in my opinion. As much as dislike her, she is his mother, the only mother he will ever have. I wouldn't want to have to choose my husband or my mother, why would I ask DH to do so?

The way I deal with this situation is not for everyone. You need to have alot of self-esteem and a bullet proof vest over your heart. It starts with mostly false bravado, which eventually becomes actual bravery.

    Bookmark   February 20, 2007 at 5:26PM
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I really agree with Vickey...that if this was happening to me,I WOULDNT ALLOW it to continue. I'd avoid having to see the woman at all costs. I wouldnt answer her calls either.
I also think though,that sooner or later I'd have to confront her. I'd tell her that her comments are totally inappropriate and to not speak to me like that again.
In fact,I did actually have words with my own mother-in-law once. I didnt involve my husband,but when she called I told her exactly how I felt. I think it really helped,because now our relationship is totally different! I respect her and she respects me now,and we can even hang together from time to time.
I really find,that when you put most bullies in their proper place,they tend to back off and have more respect for you after. Just MY PERSONAL OPINION.Hope things are going better for you!

    Bookmark   February 21, 2007 at 8:24PM
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