Jealous? Who, me? Am I?

geoedwardsJanuary 8, 2009

I want to see if anyone can give me some insight on my situation. My husband has been a flight attendent for about six months. Yesterday, I had worked all day, after, picked up my kids, and went home. I called my husband and he didn't answer. I called an hour later, still no answer. I waited a couple of hours and then texted him "Good Nite."I got upset that there was no response so I turned off my phone. I turned it on after an hour. He had called 6 times and like 4 text messages. I called him back and asked him where he had been, he said his crew took him to eat. I asked him why he didn't answer my calls. He said that he left his phone in his hotel room. This upset me because "his crew" were two young girls! I am not the jealous type but come on this isn't the first time he has done something like this. We had already talked about him not going out because I can't because of the kids. Eating out is a different story. Now he is upset with me because I didn't answer my phone for the one hour. I just want him to fill me in. What should I tell him.

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What would you do if he was in another profession dominated by members of your nursing, for example? As with flight attendants, the close association is impossible to avoid. The flight attendant job has the additional twist of having him at a distance, also, but the idea's the same.

Unless you demand that he change jobs, you'd better get straight about this. Close association socially and professionally will be part of his life -- and yours. Your job is to be a such a wonderful wife and mother, that any temptation -- which I think is what you're worried about -- can be easily resisted. Being b..tchy about it won't help. This business of turning off your phone was pretty stupid.

Do you have a good man or not? If you do, don't play these stupid games with him. Feigned jealousy can be cute from time to time. Real jealousy -- such as you've just described in yourself -- is poison.

No reason you can't discuss this frankly and openly but it appears to me from your description that this personal characteristic of yours is causing you -- and him -- more grief than it should. Unless you're already dealing with a history of infidelity or suspicious acts, I suspect you may be about to cause them by your own behavior.

    Bookmark   January 8, 2009 at 6:17PM
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Asolo's right. Because of his job, he will constantly be put into a position of both temptation and opportunity. If you two can't find a way to work through it, then your marriage will never survive.

But IMO, asking him never to socialize after work with his crew-mates is a ridiculous request. Yes - Many of them will be young, single, attractive women. And either he's trustworthy, he's not, or he's in that gray area of basically-good-but-temptable.

If he's totally trustworthy, TRUST him, and SHOW HIM that your trust him. If he's not trustworthy, accept that your marriage isn't much to begin with. But if he's in the 'gray zone', ask him what he is willing to do to maintain the sanctity of his marriage, and support him in his efforts. Give him the benefit of the doubt; be wonderful to him when he's home, and keep the phone lines 'hot' when he's away (if you know what I mean).

    Bookmark   January 9, 2009 at 10:09AM
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Thank you asolo and sweeby for your thoughts. Your responses made me realize that I do have a good man and if I keep on making him feel like he IS doing something wrong, he will cheat on me! I just have a problem with jealousy from past relationships but I know not every man is the same. I have never been married before. I do trust him, I just get crazy thoughts of adultery when he doesn't answer my calls when I know he isn't flying. He is going to be around young pretty women all the time and I have to come to terms with that. I really believe that he would never cheat even if it is easier for him to do so being far away. What pointers do you ladies have for me that I can show him that I trust him? Thanks.

    Bookmark   January 9, 2009 at 11:42AM
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All of us live in a world where 1/2 of us are of the opposite sex. "Temptation" surrounds us -- all of us, all the time. Nothing can be done about that. One component of marriage is an agreement between two people not to respond to it inappropriately. Association is inevitable to a greater or lesser degree for everyone. Our problem isn't the circumstance. It is our reaction to it. If you've got a good marriage to a good man, it shouldn't be a problem. If you don't, of course it will be. In any event, it is the human condition everywhere and at all times.

I encourage you to put your efforts into your particular relationship -- which is the only thing you can influence. The greater circumstance is beyond your control and always will be.

    Bookmark   January 9, 2009 at 12:01PM
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Thanks ladies, I have spoken to my husband about my feelings and I apologized for acting like a moran. I guess I get so jealous because he is such a good man that I don't want to loose him but if I am not careful, my jealousy could drive him away!!! Thank you again.

    Bookmark   January 12, 2009 at 1:04PM
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No lady here! However, If you're off on a different way of thinking about it -- and your husband's on-board with it -- I'm gratified.

Mutual trust and respect is where it's at. You either have it or you don't. In fairness, you either deserve it or you don't. If he deserves it, give it to him. It's mutual. It's an agreement. It's a promise. And that's all any of us ever get.

    Bookmark   January 12, 2009 at 7:32PM
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i wonder just how many men or women in that situation would be faithful. i'm not sure it's about whether you are a good person or not. i think it's about spending more time with co-workers than with your spouse and getting to know them over a period of time.

i discussed this with my step daughter many years ago. she was wondering what happened to cause her parents to divorce. i told her i don't believe her mother set out to cheat on her dad. i don't think they would have divorced if she had not gone to work. i believe she and the man just worked together for so long they fell in love. since i married her dad i knew him as a husband and she only knew him as a loving dad. he was not an easy man to love and live with, not affectionate, very critical and always working in the garage when he wasn't at work. she was probably lonely being married to him, just as i was. history repeated itself when the SD went to work met someone and divorced her husband.

    Bookmark   January 12, 2009 at 10:36PM
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I am sorry about that asolo. It was wrong of me to assume that u were a lady. Thanks all, have a great New Year!!!

    Bookmark   January 13, 2009 at 11:02AM
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trusting him is the thing to do if you love him. if he wants to cheat he will, nothing can stop it. if he knows you don't trust him, if you show it he may just do it because he is being blamed for it anyway. i had a real crisis in my marriage not long after we married, he was very open about his feelings for his ex when she told him she was sorry she left him for another man. i still treated him well, as a matter of fact i treated him great. i wore the clothes he liked, made him fudge. i wanted him to know what he would be giving up. LOL if had yelled at him and kicked him out i might have lost my husband..

    Bookmark   January 14, 2009 at 10:14AM
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