Asolo, please explain....

dreamhouse1January 26, 2011

The part about never bringing it up in never, ever....

How, during the time that you are trying to work on things, can it never be mentioned? Are we not trying to uncover the underlying problems that led us to this place? How do we learn and move on if we cannot discuss it?

I am dealing with a husband that one professional has him afflicted with narcissistic personality disorder, and another with impulse control issues. Whatever the case, it has cost him his career, family and friend relationships, and has thoroughly confused our children.

While I await my children 'properly launching' (love that!), I am committed to trying to make things good....better....but how? He tries, but given his 'issues' can I really expect change? NPD is a real problem....even though he CAN see it, the condition keeps him from actually improving because he's so darn narcissistic! Terrible cycle....for all of us....

Any words of wisdom or advice?

Thank you.

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

If you're talking about a professionally diagnosed condition, I'm over my head.

My advice/experience is limited to normal people who have done bad/stupid things; People who know they did something they shouldn't have done, are regretful, and capable of changing their behavior via personal will and choice.

If you say your spouse is unable to act by will and incapable of making rational choices due to a professionally diagnosed disease/syndrome/condition, I regret to say that I have nothing useful to offer.

If your spouse is bamboozling the professionals to avoid responsibility for his behavior, that's something else entirely. Happens all the time. However, I am not qualified to even attempt making such a determination.

    Bookmark   January 26, 2011 at 2:50PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I don't think he is bamboozling....any more. He tried that. He's tried to get away with many things. I think he has finally reached the point of being keenly aware that he's not....that smart, that in control....and he has realized that his thinking and rationale is not that of a normal, well-adjusted adult.

That being said, and although he wants to improve, it sounds like we are going to be doing more of the adjusting than him. As with most NPD people, they can recognize it, they just can't seem to understand why they have to change it totally. He fully understands the impact, now...but those huge egos still think they can control an alcholic that still wants to drink socially.

Thank you for your time. I have only recently started reading posts on this forum and have come to appreciate your brutal honesty and insight.

    Bookmark   January 26, 2011 at 3:28PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

"I have only recently started reading posts on this forum and have come to appreciate your brutal honesty and insight."

Thank you....although that would make but two of us.

Seriously....there appear on this forum many serious issues. There also appear many stupid ones. Discriminating between/among them is a task for the mythical Solomon. I am not he. And I blow it is frequently pointed out to me.

Whatever.....I wish you well....but it does appear you've got a tough nut in your bowl.

    Bookmark   January 28, 2011 at 7:57PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Yes, I suppose you are correct on that one, it is one tough nut. I can only hope that I am tougher, at least for now for my kiddos.

Wishing you my best as well.

    Bookmark   January 28, 2011 at 10:35PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Dreamhouse, I too appreciate Asolo's honesty. Even though sometimes he's a bit harsh I always feel he's straight shooting.

I believe the "don't discuss again, ever" only works once something has come out. Like cheating. Once it's been disclosed the only way to move forward is to never discuss it again. That doesn't mean I say "I cheated on you with Frank" and my husband says "oh my gosh I feel betrayed/sick etc" and I say "well, I told you, now we can never discuss it".

There has to be a point of grieving, of reconciling, of some sort of closure before we can shut the book on grievances.

It sounds like your husband has PERSONAL issues that have nothing to do with you but are affecting you anyway. I think, and I'm not qualified to think about this, but I'm going to tell you anyway ;) that you should talk to his counselor or whomever he is seeing and ask them how you should deal with events that come up. Do you point out his bad behavior? Do you ignore him? Do you offer suggestions? And for how long?

Set aside a time to talk with him that you both agree upon. And a time limit. Say, one hour on Saturday afternoons. When that time is up, put it back on the shelf until the next time.

Only you can know if this is right for you. I do feel badly for you. I have someone with NPD in my life and it's really hard... and I'm not married to that person. (((hugs)))

    Bookmark   February 1, 2011 at 3:26PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Silversword, thank you for your insight. I'm not really sure of what to do and so far have been bouncing around from idea to idea without any real results. It is an awful situation that I wish upon nobody.

Right now, it's a one day at a time thing. Sometimes it's okay, sometimes, not. It really depends on me, really. As long as I leave it alone, he is happy to do so as well. Having to face anything unpleasant is more than he can handle....So basically, it seems I live in a state of 'pretend'....for now.

Thanks again, and my best to you with your NPD person. ((hugs))

    Bookmark   February 3, 2011 at 12:04PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Dreamhouse, I divorced my first husband. He was bipolar (diagnosed by a doctor) and NPD (diagnosed by me). Everything was fine unless I didn't do/act like he wanted me to. I pretended everything was fine for years, until I realized I was making myself sick.

And then I got out. And the fall-out was huge. And it was so hard. And no one understood why... they thought it "wasn't that bad" and that I "should stay for the sake of DD" and that "all marriages have ups and downs". My husband was an emotional child. And he was controlling and mentally/emotionally abusive. And a liar. But he was also very convincing.

So, bah!

I guess my only real advice is to be very clear what your part is. What are you getting from this relationship? How are you causing this? How are you encouraging this? Why were you attracted to this? Etc...

I may sound like a ____, but looking at your part ahead of time will reduce grief later. Believe me. I had to look back and boy, did I ever contribute to my bad marriage. To the point that sometimes I feel like saying sorry to my ex. He was an absolute jerk. And I wasn't a rose either.

Don't make any hasty decisions. But if he is losing "family, friends, career" etc and doesn't want to "face anything unpleasant"... well. Ask yourself how long you're willing to babysit this person if he is not willing to work on it.

I strongly believe my daughter, even though she is a child of divorce, is much healthier because I removed her from a very toxic situation. No one was hungry or really abused in our marriage, but it wasn't healthy at all.

    Bookmark   February 3, 2011 at 4:04PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Silversword, I'm so sorry for your bad experience. This one is 25+ years in the making and is very hard to wrap my brain around. There are a lot of issues that need to be worked on (his) and problems that need to be solved (ours). I am not seeing much progress. I hear a lot of talk, but see no action. Now that the bell has been rung, so to speak, it's very difficult to pretend that all is well. As I said, it's a really, really hard situation and I can only live day to day. I am struggling on so many levels, and as you know, waiting or expecting an NPD afflicted person to step-up is hoping for the impossible. I am confident that I will eventually work it out the best for me and my kids, but right now that seems like a far away dream.

    Bookmark   February 3, 2011 at 4:53PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Oh gosh Dreamhouse. I can hear your pain and can tell this is a daily struggle. Confidence is good. :)

If you ever need to vent, c'mon over!

    Bookmark   February 4, 2011 at 11:02AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Thanks, silversword. I'm not really much for venting, not on this subject at least. Talking about it, explaining it, rehashing is too painful. I'm more about solutions, techniques, and help. I know there are plenty of people that have walked in my shoes. I am not the first, nor will I be the last. I know there are people that do understand, but I just like to stay focused on solutions rather than stay in the details. The rehashing just seems to be so overwhelming that it sets me back and then I have to start the climb back up again. Does that make sense or am I crazy? Sometimes I'm not sure what's normal any more...

    Bookmark   February 5, 2011 at 11:37AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

No, you make sense. I think you're smart.

I wish I had a solution for you.

    Bookmark   February 7, 2011 at 4:04PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

If your home is always in a turmoil that will not be good for the kids. When my step daughter divorced the father of her kids, my grand daughter told me she was glad they divorced because of the fighting. It can scar kids for life.

    Bookmark   February 12, 2011 at 10:41PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

There is no fighting, especially in front of the kids. I would define it more as sadness. My kids do not witness any of our turmoil. You must understand, we are trying to make it work. We are trying to find our way through, not out.

    Bookmark   February 14, 2011 at 11:30AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

You say the children are "throughly confused" and then that they do not witness turmoil.

Give your kids some credit. They know more than they let on.

    Bookmark   February 17, 2011 at 10:57AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

My children were confused by the sudden job loss and move away from home. They witnessed my sadness and concern at that time as well.

What I meant was, they are not subjected to our ongoing struggles. We deal with "our" issues privately. I don't see the point in dragging them into our turmoil until a decision is made that will actually effect them (divorce). Having them constantly worry about our fate or their future is senseless. They are children and don't need the problems of the adult world thrust upon them...there is plenty of time for that. If we can actually work things out, then they don't need to know anything about it for a long while.

My husband and I still enjoy each other's company and very much want to find a path through this mess. Yes, many times it seems that it is only for the children, but when push comes to shove, it is for us too. On the surface of everyday life, things are good and normal. It is the deeper issues between wife and husband that are broken.

    Bookmark   February 19, 2011 at 10:04AM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
Am I Wasting My Time?
So, I have been with my fiance for 5 years. In the...
Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated
Hi, I am really grateful for finding this forum. I...
My husband became cold, apathetic, after we came back from vacati
Me and my husband have been together for 13 years,...
I don't think my husband likes me anymore
When we first started dating he always wanted to be...
Frustrated and lonely
Hi, I am really glad I found this forum, I can see...
Sponsored Products
Woven Leather Rug 8' x 11' - BRICK
$1,699.00 | Horchow
Super Elliptical Extension Table
Design Within Reach
Americh Turo 6030 Right Handed Tub (60" x 30" x 22")
Modern Bathroom
F/N Wide Wall Sconce by WPT Design
$301.75 | Lumens
Shires Equestrian Extension Stirrup Leathers - 694G-BL
$89.99 | Hayneedle
Scalamandre Pillement Decorative Pillow
$269.00 | FRONTGATE
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™