gooseeggJanuary 24, 2008

OK, ill just lay it out there and see what everyone thinks.

Whenever my husband and I disagree, agrue or whatever, he always throws up in my face, "you never apologize for anything, i have to make you or beg you to"

Now, i do apolgize when i feel like i am wrong, but quite honestly, i think he is wrong most of the time. but thats not here nor there, but he just belittles me to make me apologize for what he thinks i have done wrong. he keeps on and on telling i have to apologize, and it gets to the point, where yes, ill admit, it becomes a power issue between the two of us.

When I do apologize, as he says, is never, he wont or cant even acknowledge that i have apologized.

I am the kind of person that needs time and space when i am angry, and he does not allow that, he thinks i have to apologize before he will leave me alone, or if i dont "get over it" when he thinks i should, he throws ouyt there that i have "severe" ego issues where i cant apologize.

Are we both nuts or what? because i think he is waaaay out of line and he thinks im just immature.

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Well, it is often hard to apologize when you think you are right and it really doesn't mean much if you don't really mean it.

What I try to do is apologize for making someone feel a certain way. I won't necessarily say I'm wrong or apoligize for specifically what I say if I don't think I was wrong... but maybe I'll say I'm sorry I upset you so, or I'm sorry that I yelled at you; I shouldn't have gotten so loud, etc... so maybe if you could look at things that way. Whenever there's a fight, there's almost always something you can apologize for. I'm sorry I made you miss your tv show to discuss this, I sorry I didn't tell you this sooner, etc...

I think there are some people that really are incapable of apologizing ever. If you think you may fall into that category, I'd do some research on it. There can be some personality issues associated with it.

    Bookmark   January 24, 2008 at 3:53PM
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I totally agree with Carla.

When I apologise, I say it because I am sorry for the hurt that has happened. Or "I am sorry I was upset and annoyed", along those lines. Or "I am sorry that we argued".

My DH is someone who does not apologise, because he does not feel that he is at fault. This does bother me.

I think pride makes us NOT apologise.

Sometimes it is hard for people to come to terms with the fact that THEY could be in the wrong, so they think they are not in the wrong.

In your situation, I really think you could both benefit from learning some new communication skills. Read some books.

You will eventually be able to solve disputes without the issues you are having now.

YOU improve your skills, and I am sure things will settle down.

    Bookmark   January 25, 2008 at 12:34AM
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There was a radio program I once heard on Forgiveness by Ed Young. It was excellent, and discussed at length about apologies, and what counted as a sincere apology, and what was not a sincere apology. What was "not" a sincere apology were apologies like those mentioned above. For example: I am sorry if you feel I did __________ and that offended you. As opposed to an actual apology: I am sorry that I ________(what ever the offense was). Will you forgive me? Without explanation, excuses, etc.

The first apology is not sincere, but it is putting it back onto the other person, an making it sound like an apology. It is not a sincere apology.

At this point in my life, I see those who use this sort of a apology as having pride issues. I am losing respect for someone who is never accountable for anything they do wrong. Perhaps it is because someone in my life apologizes this way, and has very strong pride issues. Simply will not be accountable for anything, and is always pointing the finger at someone else and placing the blame elsewhere, and is unable to ever admit they are wrong, and offer a sincere apology. From this particular person, I will not accept one of their "neatly worded" false apologies. I see it as manipulative, which they are. Unless they are able to apologize sincerely, don't apologize at all.

    Bookmark   January 25, 2008 at 6:50AM
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good points, even if they aren't in my favor :-)

maybe i do need to read a book or two and see if it is my ego, pride or whatever. But i also think he needs to read too, to figure out why he has to berade me if i dont apologize in his time frame.

I guess we both have a little bit of growing up to do. thanks!

    Bookmark   January 25, 2008 at 9:11AM
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Hounding someone until they apologize is one way of winning all arguments.

It's bullying.

    Bookmark   January 25, 2008 at 9:28AM
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Thanks Sylvia! I agree totally --
If he doesn't let you process your own feelings your own way, then absolutely he is bullying you!

"I am the kind of person that needs time and space when i am angry, and he does not allow that"

I also feel that your 'take some time and space' approach is perfectly valid. Within limits of course! Going home to your mom for two weeks isn't productive, but retreating to another room or going shopping for an afternoon to let things settle can be helpful sometimes.

My DH is an absolute sweetheart, and we're fortunate to agree on most things -- but he absolutely can't stand it when I'm annoyed with him. And since it's so uncomfortable for him, he used to sometimes push to resolve a conflict before I was ready to resolve it productively. And what he got was an angry response that hurt his feelings. Over the years, I've learned to tell him "Yes, I'm annoyed right now, but it's a small thing and I'll get over it. It's OK. And when I do, we can sit down and figure out how to solve the problem so it won't happen again. How about tonight after the kids are in bed?" And he's learned (the hard way) to accept that answer.

    Bookmark   January 25, 2008 at 9:54AM
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"What was "not" a sincere apology were apologies like those mentioned above." (bnicebkind)

I disagree with how you are interpreting those apologies - if, in fact you are talking about my apologies. My apologies are very sincere. There is a big difference between a sarcastic "I am sorry if you feel I made you feel you did something wrong" and "I am sorry that I made you cry." One is putting the burden/responsibility on the other person, and the other is taking responsibility yourself. In all of my apologies, I have taken/accepted responsibility. So, they are sincere, IMHO.

I'm sorry if you don't see them that way ;-) (Example of a bad apology)
I'm sorry if I didn't explain it well enough. (Good apology)

    Bookmark   January 25, 2008 at 9:57AM
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sylvia & sweeby, i totally agree...thats what my thinking was, i didnt have a word to put to it, but bullying. yep, thats what he does. if i leave to another room, run an errand, he yells at me as i leave, that i have real issues that i cant apologize, im like, um? i think im allowed to mad...an example, we are in the middle of an arguement, and if i dont apologize IN THAT arguement, he holds it over my head and pressures me to apologize. I want to apologize when i feel it is sincere, no matter which way i say it. that was my whole issue, when i have processed things in my own way, just as i allow him to do, i always try to go back to apologize, but usually before i can get it out of my mouth, he is standing there saying man, you really have some issues that you cant apologize. and if i say i was fixing to, he says, your full of it....and this is how it goes on and on....

and along the same lines, it always has to be on his time line, never mine...but he considers that a power play on my part??

i like the idea of the book, and ill check it out, but in the meantime......... :-)

    Bookmark   January 25, 2008 at 11:02AM
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Most of the time the best way to handle a bully is to challenge him, but it won't work with badgering & verbal bullying.

Verbal bullies can always outlast anyone else;
they feed off the conflict, they love the distress they cause, the more upset you are, the better they like it;
they know that they're getting closer & closer to getting you to buckle & do or say anything they want just to end the misery.

You have to refuse to participate;
don't argue, don't say *anything*, just disengage.

Don't say a word, just walk away, & don't respond to anything he says that involves the issue.

If he asks what time it is, tell him.
If it's time for dinner, tell him it's time for dinner.

If he says, thanks, I'm hungry, etc, go ahead & converse normally.

but if he says, "well, so you *are* talking to me again", or some such, look at him so that he knows you've heard him & that your behavior is deliberate, & walk away.

Don't reward bad behavior.

    Bookmark   January 26, 2008 at 11:10AM
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I apologized to my sister a couple of weeks ago and she said, "thank you, I appreciate that. You really hurt me, blah, blah, blah and so forth. I hung up on her.


    Bookmark   January 28, 2008 at 8:59PM
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OK, I see your point Gooseegg, about needing a little bit of time alone, but on the other hand, running away doesn't fix anything. My DH has a horrible problem w/ this & maybe you're completely different, so don't get offended, I'm just telling the other side.

Like I said, if you honestly need time alone to take in everything & calmly think about stuff fine, but if you're just leaving thinking that it's all going to be better when you return, I think that's cowardly & childish. Like somebody mentioned in an earlier post, going out for a couple of hours is one thing, but leaving for 24 hrs. is completely different!

As mentioned above, my DH has a horrible problem w/ "running away". But, when he leaves, yes, he needs time alone, but he also thinks that when he gets back he won't have to talk about what happened & it will have just disappeared. Well, this doesn't work b/c I don't get over things easily that have truly hurt me. This is a problem I have that I need to work on, but I hang on to things for a lot longer than I should sometimes. Anyway, so when DH returns from "running away" I usually get mad all over again & instead of us having a 20 minute talk, it turns into an hour long fight b/c now I'm mad b/c he left, when all I wanted in the first place was to sit & calmly talk about whatever is going on. DH knows that when he leaves it doesn't solve anything & he's admitted that he shouldn't leave, but he continues to do it. I admit, we have a huge communication problem in our relationship. I'm a talker & he's just not. Although, he has gotten better, we still don't share thoughts & feelings like we should, as far as I'm concerned.

*I don't want anybody to think I'm trying to "bully" my DH. I simply want him to sit & talk to me, I'm not asking for an apology... I want us to figure our problems out w/o really blaming anybody.*

I don't know if I've made any sense here or not, but I hope everyone can see my point.

    Bookmark   February 6, 2008 at 10:20PM
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Mc Hudd

"I don't get over things easily that have truly hurt me"

This is completely normal...you feel this way because the conflict has not been RESOLVED.

In my mind, every conflict, no matter what from the tiniest spat to the bombing of a city...if there is no resolution, then the hurt goes on forever.

We need to think about conflict as a process with a beginning and an end. Sure things can be horrible, yelling and screaming, nasty words, people upset, storming off, then calming down. Then when the calm has come, put together the words of resolution. There must be some sort of compromise.

Does that make sense ?


    Bookmark   February 7, 2008 at 5:58PM
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Popi~ Yes, that does make sense. That's what my opinion has been all along, but maybe my DH has told me that I "remember stuff for too long" that I've actually started to believe it! Like I said though, I have always told him & thought to myself that the only reason I do this is b/c there was no closure to the matter. A lot of times DH will say "I'm sorry" and expect that to be the end of it, but that doesn't work for me. It seems like "sorry" doesn't really mean very much to me anymore, I guess probably b/c DH is good about saying "I'm sorry" then 2 weeks later doing the same thing over again. I've told him this & he understands my point & I have to admit though, he is getting better.

    Bookmark   February 7, 2008 at 9:07PM
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