Would you be mad???

awbreyJanuary 4, 2006

Ok, I usually have the best husband in the world, let me give you a little background. We were high school sweathearts and before I met him he had a best friend she is a girl, nothing more they were just friends, he introduced me to her and we became friends and we do everything together, we have been friends for 10 years. She has a boyfriend and has been with him for 4 years and it is a strange realationship but my husband and I like him as well but there realationship is not very good but they stay together. So anyways, this new years eve my husband went to Salem it is about 2 1/2 hours from where i live to go pick up some cabnits. I have two kids and didnt want to drive over the pass with him because it could be icy, so I asked my GF if she would go with him she said yes and they were going to leave early in the morning and be back by 4:00 so that we could go up to a cabin that another friend has and spend new years eve with them. They have a 3 year old boy so we thought it would be fun so they could play with my boy. We had made plans for my mom to watch are 7 month old over night. My husband and BF got to salem at 12:00 picked up the cabnits and I called at 1:00 and they were going to stop by Burlington to look around. So I was wating at home and 5:00 rolled around and I thought they should be home so I gave them a call and they told me they were just leaving Salem. I told them I didnt want to go to the cabin because it would be way to late. We argued and I lost reception with them and the last thing I said was I was not going to go, because the other boy goes to bed at 8:00 and my son would not have any fun and that was the plan to spend time with them. So my husband calls me back and says why dont you drive up with my BF boyfriend and we will met you there and not come all the way home. I was still mad because I had to get all the baby stuff to my moms etc. so I still said no. After being so mad i decided to bite my pride and go so I called and left a message on his cell saying I would be there and I called my BF Boyfriend and told him that he would have to get the pizza's because I had to get all my daughters stuff together. He said why are you acting like a b#$%# and I said because im mad we made plans and they are not even home yet. He said quite acting like your mom wich made me so mad and why dont you just stay home and we will see your tomorrow. So I said fine hung up the phone and went back home and didnt go. My husband called when he got to the cabin and said are you comming and I said no Im mad and he said well im sorry I dont work on your time schedule and hung up. He did not come home that night so I had new years all by myself. When he got home the next day he got it from me, it is so unlike my husband to be like that we worked it out he said he was sorry etc told me he was just mad and didnt want me to ruin his new year. \

The problem is with my BF and her boyfriend they encourged him to stay there and I know he is a big boy and he can make his own choices but the problem is with my BF I feel that it was rude and Im so mad that I havent talked to her and she thinks its my fault because I chose not to come up there who do you think is in the wrong???

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Is it important for someone to take the blame?
Does some one need to be 'wrong'?

If so, once you figure out who is wrong then what should be done about it?

Did you decide not to go just because you were angry or did you have another reason?

It sounds as if husband, best friend and boyfriend all wanted to go but you decided not to - is that how it was?

I know this is not an answer to your question but if you can write down the answers to these questions it may help bring some focus to the situation.

    Bookmark   January 4, 2006 at 9:35PM
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well I was going to go untill my bf boyfriend said what I wrote in the frist post then I decided not to go.

    Bookmark   January 4, 2006 at 10:19PM
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O.K. so it sounds like you were going to go and everyone probably would have had a good time UNTIL the boyfriend said you were acting 'like a b#$%#, and acting like your mom.'

That's when the whole thing came to a halt - right?

If this is the case then why are you mad at DH and BF?

I am not going to post anymore tonight cause I have to get up early in the morning - but please give this some thought...

You started off your first post by saying "I usually have the best husband in the world".

Most of the people that post on this forum seem to be very unhappy with thier mates but you on the other hand are not.

Why let this one incident turn it all sour? Is it possible that emotions are still running high from the holidays, you were stressed out having to be the one making all of the last minute child care arrangements and with all of that ....things just didn't go well? Can every one just chalk it up to a bad day?

Hope it all works out for you


    Bookmark   January 4, 2006 at 10:32PM
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Awbrey, you are to blame here. Why would you send another woman for a whole day with your DH? He could have gone by himself. And by the way, she is your husbands BF not yours. He knew her first; she is friendly towards you because you are his wife, but most likely her loyalty lies with your DH.

Last time I trusted completely, which is pretty recently as you know it, I got burnt big time. You have a good heart and a good husband as you say it, but make sure you donÂt send him places with another woman. One of my best friends lost her DH to HER BF; so IÂm not as trusting as you seem to be regarding GF or BF.

Sorry if this upsets you; please be cautious.

    Bookmark   January 4, 2006 at 10:38PM
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yea, I guess you are right, the thing that im most mad about is that they incourged him to stay up at the cabin, I would have told her boyfriend if roles were reversed to go home. Thats what I think I am most upset about.

    Bookmark   January 4, 2006 at 11:00PM
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She is not YOUR BF; please don't ever send him places with her or another woman. He is a great guy and you should not be mad at him; forgive him this time & keep on loving him.

From what I understand; all the problems started with the NOT staying on schedule part.

If she would have been YOUR BF she would have made sure they stayed on schedule. Man dont like to look around, girls do! Most likely they did not stay on schedule because of her.

Dont give her the satisfaction of causing problems in your marriage; talk to her but dont put your trust in her or give her opportunities to spend much time just with your DH.

Better safe that sorry; thats what I say at this point in my life.

Wish you the best!

    Bookmark   January 4, 2006 at 11:21PM
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I understand how you are feeling, as my birthday was a few weeks ago, and my DH was only going into the office for a few hours that day, and we were planning to go out to a nice dinner. He gets a phone call from a big client who wants him to go out for a drink and discuss some business. He tells me about it, and I "assume" he will have a quick drink, and meet me early as the office is closed that day, I am ready to go about 5:30 (the kids are at Grandma's) I call him to let him know that I am ready, but his cell phone is off. By 6:30 I am really getting mad, and he calls and says that he is still with the client and if I want I can come over and join them. We had planned to meet up with the relatives and the kids for a movie at 8:00. I say that it is my birthday, and we have a tiny window of time without the kids to get a nice dinner, and he says that he will wrap it up, and that I am to come over. I drive over, and see he and the clients sitting at one of the outside tables laughing and laughing, and it is now 7:00 which means that he has not left enough time for the nice dinner before the movie. I was so mad and hurt that he put these people before me on my birthday. And I just sit in my car...in no mood to make happy talk with these people. At 7:10 he finally catches up with me, and cannot understand why I am upset. We now just get something to eat wtih the kids and the relatives. The movie did help lighten my mood though.

I think that it is our expectations. That for holidays we have certain expectations, and when we are let down, it hurts.

**** Regarding the best friend...I agree with the others. You made a REALLY, REALLY POOR decision to send her with your husband for the day, and you are playing with fire on this. You mention that she does not have a very good relationship with her boyfriend. Many females may be friends with a guy for years. My guess is that while they may JUST BE FRIENDS, she may "secretly" have wanted it to be more for years. You have children and a family to protect, and to make sure that your family remains "intact" for those children. Do not give her the opportunity to destroy your marriage, and your family. Many good marriages have been destroyed by this. Someone I know gave her husband a gift certificate for fathers day for a mannicure with a friend of hers (they had been friends for years). That "gift certificate" began an affair she NEVER saw coming and destroyed her family. At two different banks that I worked at, two different men were having affairs with women at the banks who both happened to be good friends with their wives. You need to use better wisdom in the future. Things have a way of happening that "just happen".

    Bookmark   January 5, 2006 at 11:56AM
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Yes I see what you all are saying, Its just we have been friends for so long that I cant see her doing that, but on the other hand I think she is very jelous of our family, she wants to get married and her boyfriend who is 45 and never been married is not ready so she is 27 and want kids etc. and he is still just sitting on the pot, so maby thats why my eyes have opened up with this hole thing, I just never thought she would tell him to stay up there Awbreys being @@!! if she wants to be mad then thats her problem. Her boyfriends was there too, it was not just my HB. But maby im actually seeing what you guys are saying, maby if she dosnt necessarly want my HB maby she is just jelous and wants me to be sad and you are right I do need to protect my family because it always seems like it it the person who says I would have never guessed that would happen and it does. My question is do you think I should call her or just ride things out??? Please forgive my spelling I am the worlds worst speller!!

    Bookmark   January 5, 2006 at 12:46PM
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Call her??? Sure you can call her if you insist; I'm sure there are some names that would fit her character... :) but on the second thought NOT; she is not worth it!

She encouraged your DH to STAY at the cabin because SHE wanted him there, to spend the New Year with her/them. She does not care about your feelings & most likely this is not the first time she's sending that message to you.

You don't need to spend so much time thinking or doing stuff with her... You have 2 small kids; play with them; clean the house; cook; take a hot bath; plan an extra romantic evening with your husband; give yourself a facial & try to look as pretty as you can; go shopping and on, and on... there are a lot of things you can do for yourself & your family.... for the people that truly care about you & your wellbeing.

Hope this works! Now get to work & have some fun! :)

    Bookmark   January 5, 2006 at 2:25PM
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Thank you so much not 4 ever, you just said what I wanted to hear, I saw her as a sister and I have 2 sisters and I know for a fact that they would of told my DH to come home and be with his family you are totaly right, I need to focus my energy on other things. Thank you Hey what does DH stand for Dumb Husband??? HA HA

    Bookmark   January 5, 2006 at 5:05PM
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There is a saying in the Romanian language (I grew up in Romania) that goes like this:

"Oh Dear God, please keep me safe from my friends because I can handle my enemies but Ill never know if or when my friends will turn on me!"

Be kind to your husband and try to keep a happy home; do ALL you can to be a GREAT mom & wife. If, for whatever unfortunate reason he ever leaves (like mine did) you will be hurt but at least you will know that it was NOT your fault.

I wish you & your family the very best that life has to offer!

    Bookmark   January 5, 2006 at 6:49PM
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dumb husband, LOL!! actually it's dear husband, but either way will work.

    Bookmark   January 5, 2006 at 9:20PM
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Also, just a heads up. Do not complain to her about your DH. Do not EVER share your problems in your marriage with her, or discuss him in a negative way with her at all, as it makes your marriage vulnerable to her. If makes her feel less guilty and feel justified IF she is interested in something more with him. No matter what he does, she will believe that he would be different with her. And I am NOT saying to completely cut off your friendship with her. None of us know her. What we are saying is to be very wise, and never make your family vulnerable by putting the two of them alone together.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger writes a book titled: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Regardless of how you feel about Dr. Laura, if you are married, the book is well worth reading. If she drives you nuts, the book is still well worth reading, and has a way of changing how you see your marriage. She makes a strong point about not talking badly about your spouse to ANYONE. So many women do this, and I have been guilty of this...however, how many women would be furious if they found out that their DH was talking badly about them to his friends, or anyone who would listen?
And last, she may be innocent of what we are all implying...none of us know her at all. We are simply saying that it seems to be an epidemic in our culture...and destroys good marriages and families. Just be wise, and do not create an opportunity for this to happen. This happens to many who never saw it coming. Good people, who get into something they may not have intended to...and the pain and wreakage is devastating. So just love your DH and children and focus on them and creating a really excellent family!

    Bookmark   January 6, 2006 at 12:32AM
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i would be furious at myself for even asking another woman to go somewhere with my husband, i dont care if she is your friend or best friend, you never allow or invite another woman to your husband and thats exactly what you did so be mad at yourself for that. If he didnt have a male friend to go with or well go by yourself or dont go at all or wait till i feel like going with you. NEVER,NEVER,NEVER allow a woman to have access to your husband alone, thats how the old it just happens, happens. I would also loose her as a friend if she encouraged him to stay at the cabin and not go home to be with you on new yrs eve, that shows how much she thinks about you as her friend, trust me if her relationship is bad with her boyfriend as you say it wont be long before she is doing the nasty with your husband and you hear we dont know it just happened, so stop giving her permission or access to be with your husband alone.

    Bookmark   January 12, 2006 at 2:17PM
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And if you have ever watched Jerry Springer..(I don't even know if the show is even on anymore, it was THAT bad)...but IF you EVER watched that show, one thing you will learn was that cheating rarely had anything to do with how the person "looked". they could have a really attractive wife, and the other woman could appear to physically not be a threat...but he went for her anyway.

    Bookmark   January 12, 2006 at 4:26PM
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