Well Deserved Splurge or...

fleethartJanuary 17, 2006

First, the facts: DH is 43, I'm 32, we have 3 kids, one more due soon. We live in a rural area, dirt roads etc, horses, chickens, pets. Have 2 trucks and 2 sports cars already. I mentioned selling a truck to buy a station wagon, something that holds everyone in the family at the same time but the next thing I know, DH has bought himself a Dodge Viper with a $600/mo payment for a 9yo car. He thinks he/we can afford it because he just got a raise, but I do the bills and it would be nice to pay off the credit cards he uses.

Am I off base by thinking he has taken leave of his senses?

He honestly believes that he deserves this for himself and it in no way jeopardizes our marriage or finances. To him it makes complete sense. Myself, I suffer from shock, disbelief, and a complete lack of understanding. It's all I can do to behave in a civil manner to him and I am very upset. He says I am throwing away our marriage and creating problems because I am having a bad reaction to this thing. I feel like he has already made decisions by himself for himself w/o considering the rest of the family thereby creating a gulf.

Have any of you ever experienced anything like this? HOw do other couples cope with such divergent opinions and spending habits? What constitutes a well deserved reward for working hard?

If I insist he get rid of it he will resent it for a very long time. On the other hand, I hate it and all the baggage this whole situation brings. Since he often buys vehicles impulsivly (w/o me), I hate the thought of what is next.

Any thoughts, folks?

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bnicebkind

I would feel exactly the same way you feel about it, and I too would wonder what in the world was going on in his head to buy a car like this with 4 kids (almost) and a wife. Its one thing to dream about a car like this, its another thing to actually just go out and buy one, totally disregarding your wife and children, for your own desires. Just my opinion.

    Bookmark   January 17, 2006 at 3:16PM
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awbrey

I use to work at a Dodge store, He must of put some money down on the viper to only have payment of 600.00/ I would be so mad I would probley kick him out of the house for a while. Anyways you are married to him and you have to live with him. Maby you should go to a car delership and ask if you could test drive a mini van etc. Bring it home and tell your husband you decided to buy it see how he feels??? That was very selfish of him to buy something that expensive without asking your opinion first. You have every right to be mad!!!!

    Bookmark   January 17, 2006 at 5:51PM
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fleethart

Well, he did ask my opinion and I told him it was a terrible idea. So he went ahead and bought it anyway from a private seller several hours away sight unseen. He was not pleased when I mentioned selling a truck and the other 2 cars since I am a SAHM w/o my own income. Once I sell those 3 vehicles I should have enough $$ to buy my own car. I don't really see myself getting a job right now (who hires obviously pregnant women?)and since our house looks like a used car lot, it would solve several problems.
Why do men do things like this?

    Bookmark   January 18, 2006 at 9:17AM
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good36

He's selfish in my opinion.
Judy

    Bookmark   January 19, 2006 at 3:59PM
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gurley157fs

I feel for you. My first husband used to do the same kinds of things. I learned how to dodge bill collectors, took part-time jobs, as many as three at a time, to keep from having our vehicles repossessed and utilities cut off.

Just as soon as both my children had a drivers liscense and a job(it took 20 years) I left him. To this day I am still getting phone calls from bill/tax collectors looking for him.

    Bookmark   January 19, 2006 at 5:02PM
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bnicebkind

My dad does this. He presents it as a surprise and gets really angry when she is upset. She has been very firm about this over the years, and yet he continues to do it from time to time. When he gets bored, and restless, and secretive, you can be sure a vehicle will show up in the very near future. We (grown kids) have talked to him several times about doing this, and he just gets mad, and does it anyway. He has boughts cars and motorhomes, (used) and then secretly puts alot of money into them. As grown ups, it affects to some extent how we see him, and our respect for him. It makes him appear irresponsible and foolish.

    Bookmark   January 19, 2006 at 8:58PM
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Gina_W

It's disrespectful of him to make such a large purchase against your wishes. Money is a huge issue in a relationship.

I have a girlfriend who's husband went out and bought himself a moderate sports car a few years ago against her wishes. She harbors resentment over it and mentions it every chance she gets. Resentment is one of the emotions that will eat away at a relationship. She's also a SAHM without her own source of income.

You say he does this frequently. I don't know what to tell you, I really don't. The first time he did it should have been the BIG discussion. But now that he's in the habit of doing it, and if you can afford it, and all else is okay in the relationship, I would say don't let it get to you. Accept it and don't say anything more about it.

If you can't afford his "habit" and there are other problems with the relationship, I would suggest finding a good counselor and get these feelings out and try to determine why he does this when it bothers you so.

    Bookmark   January 20, 2006 at 12:38PM
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nookie

I had a girlfriend once whose DH had the same spending problem. She would be so angry and he would just find an excuse to keep the expensive things he bought . Never a reason for BOTH of them to keep it ,just him :o( One day he pushed her too far and came home with a HUGE tv that they didn't need and spent thousands on it. She was furious but he insisted that he needed it and he was worth it soooooooo....... She went out and spent the exact amount of money he spent on a gorgeous saphir and diamond ring. When he complained that she just couldn't spend money like that because they couldn't afford it she calmly told him that from now on whatever money he spends she will match it on something for herself because SHE was worth it!!! *heehee* It took him a few times (and many store returns) before he finally realized that it was just getting way too expensive to continue spending money on crap they didn't need just because he was "worth it"! LOL!!

Karen

    Bookmark   January 20, 2006 at 2:04PM
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fleethart

Lots of good ideas, $40,000 would buy a nice dressage or event horse...Maybe a brand new station wagon, not a second hand one, or is that too practical? Unfortunatly he has already spent his raise and then some.
gina w, he's done this 3 times. After the first time I made my objections very clear and he quit including me in the financial transaction and brought them home a done deal. Each time I explain why we don't need this, it costs us $$ and its not really for me if I don't want it. Obviously I have not succeeded. In every other way he is a very good father and husband. The long and short of it is one of us is going to feel hurt and upset for a very long time regardless of whether the car stays or goes.

    Bookmark   January 21, 2006 at 9:27AM
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intherain

My FIL does this. He has had so many cars in his lifetime it's amazing. He never asked my MIL what she thought. He just went ahead and did it anyways - still does. I don't think it hurt them financially, but it's just the point that he didn't talk with her first. Then again, this is their relationship in general. Meanwhile, she is extremely frugal and rarely spends money on herself. I'm so glad my DH isn't like his father in this way!

    Bookmark   January 24, 2006 at 1:17AM
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bnicebkind

intherain, it is interesting because I posted the same thing above, but I did not mention that my mom is extremely frugal and rarely spends anything on herself. However, I think it is his irresponsible behavior that has created this. I think his impulsive buying makes her feel insecure financially, and so in reaction, she has become so frugal, to keep him from putting them into financial distress, which he is entirely capable of doing. He is like a child with money, and always has been. And if we try and stop him from buying some car that he wants, he gets very angry, and acts like we have no clue. And, he goes out and buys it anyway.

    Bookmark   January 24, 2006 at 12:46PM
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