Tiredness and Sex

goodhome631January 20, 2009

DH and I have a problem. We have a 4 month old baby and a 3 yo. I work full-time.

He has a habit of coming in to be "romantic" about 1/2 hour after I go to sleep at night. This usually results in me either accommodating him and hoping it ends quickly so I can go to sleep, or I get so angry at being awakened that I lash out at him. He then is hurt and sulks for a while.

When I try to discuss it with him (and I have, rarely, inititated sex during the day), he shuts me out. Any suggestions?

I am getting anywhere from 5-7 hours of sleep a night, which is not enough for me. When I got to sleep at night, I am exhausted (and then up a few times in the night with my baby). I'd like him to understand that I need sleep and it is precious to me, but he just thinks I'm trying to avoid having sex.

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sweeby

Your problem is a classic! I mean, it's so well-known and so well-documented that it's hard to believe that not every man knows about it. But they don't...

It shouldn't be too hard to find 100's of letters similar to your on the web -- Ann Landers, Dear Abby, Ask Amy -- any major advice columnist. And their answers will all be some variation of "Of course you're exhausted! He needs to help out around the house so you won't be so tired, and arrange for a babysitter every now an again so you can have some quality time together."

I'd print off a few dozen of these - tell him that you didn't write them but could have, and challenge him to either accept that this is the norm or find a dozen "Now that she is so fulfilled with two young children and a busy career, my wife can't get enough of me!" posts. Yeah --

    Bookmark   January 20, 2009 at 12:54PM
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jessyf

.....thats why I named it 'the last chore of the day'....

But seriously, the mother's helper idea might be the way to go. Have you sat down with him and talked about all the stuff HE can help you with or hire help for so you can get some rest etc.?

    Bookmark   January 21, 2009 at 7:24AM
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silversword

LOL goodhome!!!

You are not alone! What is it about our rhythms? It seems it's always either right after we ate... and who wants to do that? or it's right after we go to sleep... or or or...

I think having an honest talk about it would be the best. Treat it like a date. Get help from him with whatever needs to be done in order for you and him to be able to get in bed at the same time, without the half hour lag time.

I wish you the best!!!

    Bookmark   January 21, 2009 at 10:49AM
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scarlett2001

Why doesn't HE get up with the baby? Oh, probably because he "works". And isn't that what you do all day?

Time to educate this guy, the 1950's are OVER. Real men change diapers. And he has to realize that sex is for BOTH of you, not just to satisfy him. First off, stop being so accomodating. He will never take your needs seriously if you don't take them seriously yourself.

Ever wonder what he would do if the shoe were on the other foot?

    Bookmark   January 21, 2009 at 12:15PM
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goodhome631

Thanks for the support everyone! I'd show my husband "advice columns" on this subject, but unless it's about drywall or whatever, he won't read it.

He said, hurt, "It seems like over the last few months sex has been a chore for you, like you're doing a me a favor."

I'm going to try to bring up the baby thing (Duh!!!) but he pretty much thinks it's all just an excuse, I can tell.

The good news is in a month I'm going on a 2-day business trip. He'll be home alone with the kids. Perhaps a reality check?

Still, I don't want to hurt my poor DH. I wish I could make him understand. I do bear blame for rejecting him in a very passive-aggressive way and hurting his feelings.

He does help out and in fact, last night made a special effort to take the baby. I feel much better today (more sleep!). However, he's still not talking to me really.

    Bookmark   January 21, 2009 at 1:14PM
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silversword

Hi Goodhome...
"It seems like over the last few months sex has been a chore for you, like you're doing a me a favor."

That's true though, right?

Maybe acknowledge that what he is feeling is accurate. You have been feeling that it's a chore. BUT...

you don't want to feel like that, and you appreciate him saying something because you miss that special time with him too!

"I do bear blame for rejecting him in a very passive-aggressive way and hurting his feelings."

Tell him that too. Tell him you don't want to reject him, but when you are tired, or not in the right mental frame of mind neither of you will be satisfied.

I think communication is essential to happiness in bed. If you're not tired today... take the reins in your hands and surprise him!

    Bookmark   January 21, 2009 at 3:13PM
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johnny52

You've actually given two issues and made them one. Sure, they are very related but different just the same.

The first is bein tired and your husband wants sex. The second, the first huddle to cross is his terrible judgement in trying to wake you up for it. That's just not right.. and I'm a mabn saying it.

Back to the first problem. This does cut close to home for me which I understand. Everything I read about this says make a schedule.. or a date night if you will and follow through. The problem is following through with the plan.

It sounds not like you're uninterested but that you're just plain tired. Work on solving that and hopefully everything will fall into place. It is a classic problem. You just need to talk... carefully without pointing fingers and a solution will be found.

It's time your husband takes over for you one evening allowing you to just relax and recoop your spirits. He'll understand very quickly what you go through every day. Been there done that!

    Bookmark   January 23, 2009 at 6:31PM
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