Hubby wants child. I'm fixed

pinkhillJanuary 22, 2010

I have three kids from a previous marriage. Husband and i are 40. I was fixed after third because of health problems. Hubby knew this and was fine with it. He has no kids, and never wanted any. I am his first marriage.

We have a great marriage in all ways. He's hard working, attentive lover, gentle soul, adores our kids.

But last night he said that he wishes we could have a child of our own. Then he joked it off like he was just goofing. I wish I could give him a child. He is a wonderful step dad. Kids think he's so cool. Actual statement from the seven year old.

But I physically cant. I feel so sad about denying him this. But it was something that he was adamant about when we dated and married. He did not want a bio kid because of family health history.

I'm not trying to dwell on this but I worry he will feel like I kept him from having this.

I asked him outright and he says he only wants kids with me, we have three and if we cant have another it's ok. He wouldnt want kids if it were another woman. His heart is bound to me. It's just a natural urge and we are lucky to have everything we do.

Anyway, any suggestions? Or advice to ease my sadness of this.

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asolo

"I'm not trying to dwell on this..."

Then stop doing it!

".... but I worry he will feel like I kept him from having this."

How many ways/times does he have to tell you he's OK with it?

Sounds to me as if you're seizing upon what you regard as mixed messages from hubby. They aren't mixed. He's said all along the way he's fine with things as they are. Nobody's denying anybody anything. Everything's clear and everybody's happy. I think you're fantasizing. I encourage you not to get to a place where he feels he can't talk with you about certain subjects because he's become wary of your obsessing about them. I suspect this is just one more way he's letting you know he thinks you're a great mom. Accept it for what it is. Don't use it for a launching pad or an indication that he wishes you were different. He's told you he doesn't.

Let it go. Be happy. Be the good wife and mom you already are.

Or....if it does turn into some huge deal....adoption awaits. Just don't make yourself nuts over something that's impossible for you to accomplish-- which is what your post seems to say you're doing.

Personally, I wish I was 35 again. I can't do that either, but I don't dwell on it. And my friends and family don't seem to mind.

    Bookmark   January 22, 2010 at 11:47AM
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pinkhill

thanks. I needed the butt kicking.

    Bookmark   January 22, 2010 at 11:53AM
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finedreams

if you cannot have children then there is no point to agonize over it, you don't deny him anything, you simply can't have them! BUT you might consider adoption if two of you want to have children.

    Bookmark   January 22, 2010 at 6:51PM
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popi_gw

He will get over it, so will you. Everyone has regrets, but that is what they are, have to learn to live with it.

Children are hard work, you know this, they cost heaps of money, make you loose sleep, ruin your house, be mean to you when they are teens. Have messy bedrooms, then they leave and don't contact you. Reality check for you there...lol. And they are the "normal' ones.

Do you really see yourself having another child ?

    Bookmark   January 26, 2010 at 5:26PM
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mara_2008

I was fixed after third because of health problems. Hubby knew this and was fine with it ... But last night he said that he wishes we could have a child of our own.

You are not "denying" him anything. You were totally upfront with him before he married you and he 'knew this and was fine with it'.

If the two of you want a child of your own, it seems adoption would be the way to go. If he doesn't wish to adopt, I would drop it.

Either way, please don't beat yourself up about it. Let it go, enjoy him, enjoy your children, enjoy your life. :-)

    Bookmark   January 26, 2010 at 5:42PM
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lee676

Having another child (if you were still able to) would endanger your health. Does that not mean anything to your husband?

    Bookmark   April 27, 2010 at 1:26PM
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nancylouise_gw

I don't get the part where you say you are "denying him" either. You both agreed before you were married, so why feel that way? From what you have posted it sounds like you have a very good and happy marriage and family. I would concentrate on that and not about what can not happen. Don't rock the boat when there is no need to. NancyLouise

    Bookmark   April 28, 2010 at 7:10AM
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