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demolitionJanuary 21, 2010

Am I being a baby? Not sure but I do know everything over the past two years are getting to me something fierce and now I feel completely and totally stuck where I am. Our fourth (and final) little one came along 5 months ago and yes after each pregnancy I get a little on edge and it subsides within two months. Since my third child was born I have felt very dissatisfied with my marriage. The last baby was an accident but he is sweet and very good with no regrets with him being here whatsoever. However I feel more tied to where I should be than where I want to be. I don't want to be in this marriage. We came from another city and I would move back which complicates things even more.

About the marriage I feel there is just nothing there. We both come and go as we please, never with each other (except for dinner with friends, groups things, etc) and I don't care when he goes out and vice versa. I gave up on initiating anything years ago because why should I be his "date" planner for him. In 10 years, after telling him, I got a lunch, he made two dinner reservations (one anniversary). Well, last night is why I write this he officially put me in the "insignificant" category. He goes out every Wednesday for his social/hobby outing which ends at 10. He always come straight home. Last night he came home at midnight. Well, I am his wife and mother of his four children, I think I deserve the consideration of a phone call. I got a "I went for a beer, what, are you my mother?" I am furious over this lack of respect for me. I am a stay at home mom, which for the most part I really enjoy and these words have me so angered. Sorry I am all over the place with this. There is so much more with all the build up of all the other "little" things going on. How do you deal with it?

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I wouldn't have been surprised by his remark given what you already said about the state of your marriage. It sounds as though neither of you have respect for the other any more nor do either of you care to even be much more than civil, if that. You said that you don't care when he goes out and vice versa. Yet you apparently asked him where he'd been and he got snippy.

Whatever has become of your marriage it appears that you feel equally about each other. Do you want to give up your marriage or would you like to save it? If you'd like to try, then I think that marriage counseling is an immediate need. Hopefully in front of your children you and your husband are decent and respectful to one another; you certainly don't want the kids to be brought up thinking that disrespectful words or treatment are Ok or that that is the normal way that spouses treat each other.

If you just want out, get your finances in shape and determine how you will move on and how you will make things better for you and your children. If you want to try to save it, my suggestion is to seek out expert counseling and start immediately to look at how you each behave in front of the children. Kids are smart; they'll know that you're both unhappy. At least try to help them understand that people can be nice and respectful to one another even if they don't like each other.

    Bookmark   January 21, 2010 at 2:30PM
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I didn't even ask where he was. I merely said "It would be nice to get a phone call to say he would be late" - common courtesy hence the frustration I feel right now. I did mention, casually, marriage counseling at a point in time and he said everything is fine and that my expectations are way too high. And everything may be fine - to him but not me. That "mother" comment really struck a cord. It's rude and makes me feel he wants me just as the housekeeper/caretaker.
No, we are not name callers, we do not blow up and no discussions are in front of the children. They are so good, I would never do that to them. Maybe a break is in order. It would be a good starting point in discussion. It really pains me right now but what else can I do? I am happy to have a place to "dump" all this as it is hard on friends and family to have to listen when you are really at a final straw, they are biased and only see my point of view, etc.

    Bookmark   January 21, 2010 at 3:42PM
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"I don't want to be in this marriage. "

How long have you felt that way? How strongly do you feel it? Does he know that?

If you've felt that way for very long, I'm wondering why you're still having babies.

Any chance of resurrecting the way it was....assuming it was once satisfactory?

    Bookmark   January 21, 2010 at 4:48PM
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Demolition...just your name sounds very negative, perhaps you have a negative outlook on life that is dragging you down ?

Was your marriage ever happy, in the beginning ?

What could you do to make yourself more content ? Staying at home and raising a family is something I am familiar with. Although a good life, it can sure make you withdraw from everyone else in society, even causing your intellect to suffer. I am not saying that you are like that, I am saying there is undoubtedly a way you could make your life more interesting and not centered on the home.

"It would be nice to get a phone call to say he would be late" - I think this sounds caustic..sorry..I do. You do sound like a mother. A better way to deal with this would have been to let it go...it is not like he is doing this sort of thing all the time..is it ?

Think about the sort of things you talk to your hubbie about. Do you ask about his day, what he has done, who he talked to, sound interested. Even if he doesn't ask you about yours.

Plan outings..try to nice places. Create a dialogue of positive comments.

This is all having an affect on your children, remember that. Remember that they want two happy loving parents, for their best chance at survival in the world.

Good luck with it all, I really think you could try to talk to a counsellor, just to get all this off your chest, for starters.

    Bookmark   January 21, 2010 at 6:36PM
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Very interesting with the different input. I would have to connect with Popi the most. I think being at home and putting myself in a certain role and not just accepting it for what it is is making me crazy. Not that it's thankless by any means but it certainly is different than being in the working world where you do get the occasional pat on the back/bonus etc. Maybe I am getting resentful? I don't talk when I am angry as I don't want to put what I am thinking out there because it is very hurtful. I usually let it all pass and let it go. I will lay it all on the table on how I feel and how I hope for understanding and effort on his behalf. BTW, Demolition comes from major home renovations (had a question in the past about taking down a wall (ironic isn't it)).
Maybe I am letting things build up too much inside of me. He did come home with a dozen roses. I love peach ones and never get them - I got them. I am not a put it out there kind of girl and it kind of stresses me out to have to do it. Better to do than not. Thanks for open ears and not being harsh on us.

    Bookmark   January 21, 2010 at 7:34PM
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You know, I think a really, really big issue is deciding whether or not you really want to be married to this guy. You have four kids together and are able to be a stay-at-home mom, which is a strong argument for staying. If he's basically a good guy -- someone you can respect and usually like -- that's another argument for staying. If he's abusive, addicted, disrespectful and nasty -- strong arguments for leaving.

You know what the pros and cons are -- we don't.

But my point is that if you decide your marriage is worth saving, then it's worth doing your absolute best to try to make the marriage work. That means not being snarky when he comes home late without calling, but rather waiting until you can talk to him about it calmly and kindly, then doing so. (That also means bringing home a dozen roses when you realize you were being an inconsiderate jerk.) It certainly doesn't mean being a doormat -- but it does mean putting your pride on the back burner sometimes in order to rebuild the harmony. I means bringing things up long before they reach the boiling point, and starting the conversation with "I know this seems petty, and it isn't a big deal -- but it's been bugging me and I don't want it to become a big deal, so..."

In other words, if your marriage is OK -- work harder to make it good. When it's good, work harder to make it great. And when it's great, share your appreciation with your partner.

    Bookmark   January 21, 2010 at 10:02PM
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I was a stay at home mom with three, and to be honest I was lonely. I love my kids to pieces. But I was lonely and depressed. And after my third I was definantly suffering some post partum. You sound a lot like I did. Fed up and didnt have the energy to do much about it. I got a job when my youngest was old enough to safely be in a good daycare and I wouldnt have to fear him being harmed. I started out part time. Once they are in school, I worked for their school full time. I became calmer and more content with my life. I felt useful. I knew I was a good mom to my kids when I was at home with them, but I needed to have life outside to keep my sanity. Its a suggestion. Not everyone needs to have a job outside, Im just saying for me it really helped.

Good luck and pat yourself on the back because you have the hardest job times four.

    Bookmark   January 22, 2010 at 10:54AM
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honestly what I do not understand is that why people in bad or not so good marriages have that many children. it is not like marriage became bad after 4th child...

and then for a married man with FOUR young children to come home at midnight and not call previously is unacceptable, but he did apologize by bringing home flowers.

maybe you should go back to work so you don't stuck at home, everything seems different when you work the whole day, you don't notice minor defects. But then again you do work, just not outside your home. so you are exhausted yet never leave your house...and then he is being inconsiderate...

other people are right, counseling is a good idea...

    Bookmark   January 22, 2010 at 7:01PM
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A dozen roses, well that is lovely...gee ya gotta have a smile on your face after that !

I still think making things better for yourself, is the way to go, get out in the world and find the good things.

This week I am signing up for intro to meditation, so that is my step to self fulfillment.

All the best..

    Bookmark   January 24, 2010 at 2:59AM
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Reading this, I really feel sorry for the 4 children, growing up in a loveless home, having no role modeling of what a happy family can be. Did you ever think of what this is going to do to them?
You need to make some decisions for their sake. They did not ask to be brought into this sad situation. Either work on fixing it or find a way to make a better life for them and yourself.
You did ask.

    Bookmark   January 25, 2010 at 12:19AM
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