Need real advise...

darren95alJanuary 20, 2007

Had a baby with a young woman I married who is only 21 and I am 36, been together for 3 years, she had cheated before she got pregnant, I forgave her cuz I knew one day she would since her age being so young and all, so fine things happen, we had a break about 2 months ago and she had come back to me recently and said how bad she has messed up and all, I took her back knowing something was wrong, and found out about 6 days later that she was seeing someone. Why would my wife who has a baby cheat me in this way? I also know the baby is mine and just not sure on what the hell to do, I am so lost hurt and devastated by all this. Please someone leave some response....

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Look, the problem here is that our brains are able to make emotional decisions by our late teens, but the part of our brains that helps us make solid, logical decisions doesn't fully mature until we're in our mid-20's--based on the latest medical research. Unfortunately, it's unrealistic to expect anyone in their late teens, early 20's to make really good, thought out decisions. The kind of behavior you've described is not uncommon for a young person. They truly aren't capable of doing much better. Some managed to get through that period of time without making any huge mistakes in their lives, but that's more good luck, than good decision-making. Mostly, at that point in a person's life, they're experimenting with relationships, most relationships are short-term, not life-long, because they're still learning about themselves and what they want out of life.

I'm sorry to say, that it sounds as if you're more invested in your relationship than she is. I don't know that you can change someone else. Best any of us can do, I think, is to change what we can in our own lives to make them as good as possible.

I think the big question, that you haven't answered in your post--probably because you don't know the answer--is how does she FEEL about you, about your child? Have you sat down together and discussed your goals, your plans for your family? Is there at least a part of her who is committed to you and the child? If so, is she willing to go to some sort of counselling? If she's willing to work with you on the marriage, maybe there's some chance of salvaging it--neither of you can do that alone. However, you have to understand that she may have already outgrown whatever she was getting out of the relationship with you--not your fault necessarily, it's just that your stages of life aren't in sync because of your age difference.

Sorry--know that doesn't help you work things out, but perhaps it helps understanding things?

    Bookmark   January 20, 2007 at 8:23AM
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asolo a 33-year-old you sought out this 18-year-old three years ago. You don't want my advice.

    Bookmark   January 20, 2007 at 11:30AM
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I'm sorry you are in this situation and having to deal with the pain of infidelity. I agree, though, that the age difference plays a huge part in this situation. A fifteen year age difference when she is 40 and you are 55 wouldn't be as much a factor. Did you have doubts about her faithfulness before you married? What is the state of your marriage if you are "taking a break" anyway? I don't understand that... that is separation, which often leads to divorce. It sounds as if you both are taking the institution of marriage lightly. Do you believe she is commited to you now? Can you consider counselling to help deal with your pain and assist in mending the divide between you? Good luck.

    Bookmark   January 22, 2007 at 10:21PM
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I agree it's completely normal for your son (stepson) to want to know who his real dad is. You shouldnt see it as a faliure on your part. Teenage years are all about figuring out who you are,and if you dont know where you come from,it can make knowing yourself confusing.
However,this dad sounds like trouble to me. He could be a bad influence on your son. I think your choice to make him wait until he is 18 before finding him is a good one.

I DO NOT think your wife should be anywhere near the guy though. IF she was raped,she wouldnt want to be. Her story seems a little fake though. If she had pressed charges it may seem more believable. The fact that you found a letter she wrote to a friend saying she slept with him says as much. Sounds like a cover so you wouldnt leave her.
Anyways,it's your marriage,but I personally wouldnt trust her anywhere near the guy. Doesnt sound like she's capable of thinking clearly when he is around.

    Bookmark   January 22, 2007 at 11:42PM
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sherilyn has posted in the wrong spot (been there done that) took me a few rereads to figure it out though.

Honestly my opinion is this girl is a lot too young for you, she is either trying to find her 'father' or she is having a problem matching with you (different intrests and so forth)
If it was me I would be thinking of the child and only the child right now.
If she has cheated more than once chances are she didn't just make a 'mistake' until she grows up and becomes responsible for herself (as well as for a baby) she will keep stomping a hole in your heart.
Maybe counseling is the answer I don't know. I got married when I was 18 and I never not once thought of straying from my man, but I have had friends that have, and they almost seem proud of the fact that they 'got away with it' I just don't get that attitude.

    Bookmark   February 27, 2007 at 11:56PM
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Part ways!!

    Bookmark   March 1, 2007 at 11:24AM
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Look for someone your own age. Where were this girl's parents when you were 33 lurking around their 18 year old daughter. Something doesn't sound right here. What's the saying "something rotten in Denmark". Fitting.

    Bookmark   March 1, 2007 at 5:53PM
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Does Darren's style remind anyone else of Chris, the guy who allowed his girlfriend to move in "cuz" she was "having a kid"?

    Bookmark   March 3, 2007 at 8:01PM
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    Bookmark   March 11, 2007 at 11:51PM
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