Where do I start?

layla1983January 7, 2009

Well im 25 my hubby 38. Totally different religions, culture. He was married before for 12 years. He minipulated his ex with wanting to kill himself. Did tape recordings about his last words for his daughter. Called them and said this will be the last sound you hear and cork a gun. Just lost of crazy things happened with them.

So now im seeing a few minipulating streaks coming through with me. I work full time, have a 7 month old baby, clean my own house, cook. He swears all of us and gets angry really easily. He even shouts and hit my 7 month old baby's hand for going somewhere he told him not to. What does a 7 month old understand?

We have sex about once every 6 months and i dont really want to either.

He doesnt want to do anything i want because the age difference i guess is just to big.

I hardly have friends and i have to make friends with his buddies wives who is also much older. I always felt like i wish i could have been 10 years older but now im not enjoying my 20's. i know i was stupid but im in this mess now and would really like to know what I should do? I dont even want it to work. Sorry for the long post.

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Why do you stay with him Layla ?

I think if a man slapped my baby's hand and shouted at them - I would leave straight away. Anyone who does that is not the sort of person you want in your child's life, nor your life.

His past is very troubling. Do you really think that someone like that, a manipulator, could change ?

Please consider your options, and find a safe place.

All the best to you and your little precious child.

    Bookmark   January 7, 2009 at 3:58AM
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thanks popi... i know that all you say is true. i told myself a few times but i feel sorry for him. i dont think he can handle another divorse, he ended up in hospital for suicide after his last divorse. i know im crazy and he really loves his son....i dont know... what will i do on my own..he said he'll kill me if i ever take his son away from him

    Bookmark   January 7, 2009 at 4:11AM
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Has he ever actually attempted sucide??? I ask this because if he just threatens it, it could be a manipulation tool to keep you there. If I were you I would seriously consider what the affects of this relationship is going to have on your child as he gets older. He is not seeing a healthy relationship and being taught how to manipulate. If he choses to threaten about sucide call the police and they will force him to get mental health help! I hope this helps its hard to walk away from a situation like this but remember you have to keep yourself happy and healthy also for your little boy.

    Bookmark   January 7, 2009 at 5:48AM
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Hi akangel

well he was in hospital for a suicide attempt. i know i have to get out for my son. his daughter is so afraid of him and says if im not there she dont know what she'll do. also she is 14 and told me to get out of this relationship because he treats me very badly. she says its like dejavu cause it's how he treated her mother as well.

i dont want to waste a lot of my time but im scared of everyone else. my family, friends and him. its just that he has managed to fool all of them.

    Bookmark   January 7, 2009 at 6:07AM
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Come on girl, get a backbone, pick up your child and leave. He treats you badly, he treats a 7 month old baby (who you say he loves) badly. From all accounts he's always been like this so it's doubtful he will change.
Sorry to sound harsh, but if he was to attempt suicide and succeed, how would that make your life worse? Not your fault, unless you were actually holding the weapon at the time- his choice. If he makes dumb choices, his problem, and really it sounds like you and your son, and probably his 14 year old daughter would be better off without him in your lives.

    Bookmark   January 7, 2009 at 6:58AM
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oh wow..thats a reality check. i know i should do it and i feel that he knows im just waiting for that one more fight and everytime it happens lately he backs down. i will eventually get out. i just feel the sooner the better for my son. ok so i work in the same town he lives. what is he dont just kill himself but the family cause what does he have to loose?

    Bookmark   January 7, 2009 at 7:17AM
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no dont keep making excuses and what ifs.I know its hard and your scared but you know u must leave this man,you will be so glad you did later on.what have you got to lose by getting rid of him,not alot.

    Bookmark   January 7, 2009 at 8:36AM
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i wish he was gone actually.think i'll feel relieved not sad. i have to do it. how do you just break it off when his pretending all is well.

i will, just waiting for the perfect moment. and i should stop worrying about what other people wil say and then i can follow my dreams. i told him i wanna be in the arts, singing. and he told me no ways....maybe jealousy, i dont know.

thank you ladies so much. i need other peoples views so know im not over reacting.

    Bookmark   January 7, 2009 at 8:52AM
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"just waiting for the perfect moment"

Understandable. You want a 'triggering event' to justify your decision.
You'd feel less guilty that way and the "I'm leaving you" discussion will be easier for you to have.

It's human nature. But it's also not a good idea. Why?

- First, because as you say, he seems to sense it and is now backing down -- stopping just short of your breaking point. So he can string you along for years, being miserable and scared, but not quite angry enough to leave NOW. But he won't really change - You know that. Waiting for him to do something 'big enough' puts all the power in HIS hands, not yours.

- Second, because then he can blame your leaving on whatever the specific trigger was -- some fight, some minor misbehavior. Whatever it was, he can twist it to make it sound to everyone else like you over-reacted. Then he'll try to get everyone else on his side, get them to pressure you... Maybe even convince YOU that you over-reacted, because to that specific incident, you did, right? You can picture the rest... Instead of feeling vindicated and free, you've backed yourself into a corner. You left 'over some dumb little fight' -- not because he was emotionally manipulative and abusive. You'll be left defending a "last straw reaction" instead of a reasoned, well-thought-out position.

- Third, because if you wait for a hot spot, emotions will, by definition, be on overdrive. And he's emotionally volatile to begin with! You should explain your decision and leave when he is calm and rational, not when he is furious or devastated to start. There's a chance he will 'hear you' if he's calm to start, and he might even recognize some validity in your point of view that could mitigate his future reaction. A small chance -- but certainly a better chance than if he's already upset and irrational.

- Fourth - You need to be prepared. If you choose an ordinary Tuesday morning, you will be ready with a safe place to go and a bank account and he simply won't be expecting it. This will give you the strategic upper-hand that you will need to deal with a master manipulater.

There are other reasons as well -- but don't let your 'discomfort' at leaving him 'for no specific reason' delay what you know to be the right decision.

Remember, you've GOT reasons - LOTS of them - GOOD ones.

    Bookmark   January 7, 2009 at 10:35AM
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From your description, you are living with a dangerous man. Take your baby and get out of there. Figure out the details later -- and in safety.

Maybe he'll kill himself or maybe he won't. Maybe he'll do other stupid things or maybe he won't. You can't control any of it.

    Bookmark   January 7, 2009 at 1:42PM
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layla - I dated a man who played similar games. I do believe that he was actually mentally ill, although very functional. I was frightened that he would kill himself if I left him (broke up with him; we didn't live together). I pictured coming home and finding him hanging underneath my 2nd floor deck. It finally got so bad that I just broke up with him. He stalked me a bit, didn't take it well, finally left me alone when I alerted the neighbors to just call the police if they saw him or his car (and I told him that), alerted my workplace (and told him), and alerted the police (and told him).

He never did follow through with the suicide that he always talked about. He just went on to make someone else miserable.

And you know what? Even if he had killed himself, I had to get to the point where I accepted that it wasn't my fault, wasn't up to me to feed his craziness, and wasn't up to me to make him happy.

It's not up to you, either.

    Bookmark   January 7, 2009 at 2:34PM
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doesn't he scare you? if he decides on suicide he may just decide to take you and your baby with him. it happens every day. how can you feel sorry for some one hits your baby?

    Bookmark   January 7, 2009 at 3:20PM
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Thank you so much for your support. My eyes are opening more with every post.

So the previous night we had a fight and when i got into the car last night i was still angry. He told me he's sick. Got a pain on the left side of his face. I told him it might be a ear infection. He then told me that someone told him it migh be signs of a stroke. I think he is manipulating me again cause he knows im angry and i backed off cause thats just how i am.

In a sick way i thought, if he were to get a stroke i would be happy. What kind of person have i become, rejoicing in someone's death. Oh my word i dont even have words, i think im loosing my mind here.

    Bookmark   January 8, 2009 at 12:01AM
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Yes, he is making you crazy. Get a lawyer, file a restraining order, move away if you have to. This is not healthy. Life is short, Layla, don't waste too much more time on this idiot.

    Bookmark   January 8, 2009 at 1:55AM
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So you didn't ask about this but I can't help myself. Did you know his sick story before you became his partner? What about that was appealing to you? I'm curious. If you don't know, you'll end up there again.

I'm having a stroke...really Layla?

    Bookmark   January 8, 2009 at 5:57PM
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he probably hid it all from her when they were dating, but as soon as they got involved he showed his real face. no way layla knew all of that when they dated.

a friend of mine was married to a man who was exactly what layla described. but when she dated him, she saw no signs of craziness, he was an angel. as soon as they signed marriage certificate, he showed his real nature. my fiend got out of marriage wiht great difficulty, had to deal wiht police and protection order and so forth. but she trully had no clue how bad he was when they just dated.

    Bookmark   January 8, 2009 at 10:08PM
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Ok, I'm seeing something else here. Sorry, obviously the guy is not completely sane and had a bad suicide bout in his past, but I want to take a step in a different direction and hope that maybe he was smacking the kid's hand when he went to touch a outlet or was crawling into the street...He can't walk at 7 months, right? A hand slap although not nice is generally pretty controlled. And, I've known a lot of people who thought they were having strokes or heart attacks when something on their left side acted up or felt funny. In fact, I'm pretty sure my husband thinks right now he may be dying from a mole on his back. Is he manipulating me into something, who knows?

I see you have a 7 month old and are working full time -- and it sounds like you don't want to do anything (friends, work, sex, nothing). It sounds like you may be depressed yourself; could you have post partum depression? Maybe it would help if you at least talked to someone yourself. I think you need to be in the right state of mind to think and see things clearly so that you are able to make rational decisions about your family. You may need to leave you husband, or he could be an ok guy with some past issues. I really can't tell what state of mind your impression of him is coming from.

My best friend had PPD and everything her husband did or ever had done became the end of the world to her. She was unhappy and wanted to lash out and he was the easiest target and I think she really thought he was the 'devil' at times, but he really wasn't.. I'm not saying this is for sure going on here, but it's something to consider. If nothing else, it does sound like your kind of depressed.

    Bookmark   January 9, 2009 at 12:54AM
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Okay well let me start with amyfiddler's question. No i did not know any of these things when we were dating. it could also be my mistake cause we dated for a short while and i moved 16 hours away from my family to live with him. About the past issues, i only found that out lately from his daughter but sure there were some signs while living together before getting married.

Ok and Carla. I can understand your point of view and it makes sense. Okay so yesterday we were driving home after picking up the baby and a lady was taking to slow infront of him and he called her a wh%&*re. Now i dont think that the guy i want to be with and has a baby with him at the time should talk like that. i might be depressed because of my marriage not ppd.

The evening he swore me because i did not put a pegg on the baby's cereal to close it properly. i also try and justify everything but sometimes its just wrong. so i didnt say anything back and he came in 5 minutes later being all fine. then obviously my face was sour and he asked me, whats wrong, why's your face looking like that now..and all i said was....nothing is wrong....nothing is ever wrong in this house and he just smiled and walked away. he is very causcous to take a argument to the next level cause he must know im not happy.

    Bookmark   January 9, 2009 at 1:52AM
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Ok, a lot of guys will call women drivers names in the heat of a road rage moment. And, I've cursed if I've noticed the milk was left out, or if I'm late and I can't find my keys. Without being there and seeing what you are talking about, I can't tell if this guy is really abusing you or maybe just has a potty mouth he needs to learn to control. It sounds like he wasn't 'mad' or guliting you 5 minutes later about the bottle thing.

The first year with a baby is hard on many, many couples. Yes, many guys will have to learn to control curse words and many may not really get it until Jr. comes home with a note from Kindergarten for saying the "F" word. Good or bad, he's probably not going to be able change his vocabulary within 24 hrs of you giving birth. It takes time to adjust; everyone's on edge. There's probably some sleep deprivation going on for everyone.. That first year with a kid is a lot harder on most families than you may think. I would say about 75% of my friends at least thought about divorce during that first year with a kid.

Again, I don't want to say he's not doing anything wrong at all. Your examples could go either way. But, calling a slow driver a bad name shouldn't necessarily put him in divorce court. Could you see how maybe adjusting to a new baby, having a depressed wife, and probably being a little sleep deprived himself may be a little hard on him and maybe not be putting him in the best of mooods at all the times either? I know you're probably doing 95% of the baby work, but for some guys it's really hard to do that 5%. I'd just hate to see new a family break up because they're having a hard time "adjusting". I'd seriously, even if he doesn't go with you, talk to someone; it should really help you sort out things. Yes, your husband could be contributing to your depression -- but could it also just be more generally that your expectations of family life just aren't what you hoped for, and that you feel you've lost your own self as you knew it (which you kinda of really do when you have a child).

It'd be good to get your depression (however it is caused) under control (and you should be able to with some help even with an abusive husband) before you make a really big decision. Of course if the abuse escalates, then you need to make a quick move regardless... but I'm not sure his cursing, or a fake suicide attempt from a years ago in a different relationship, is enough to put it at that point.

    Bookmark   January 9, 2009 at 4:29PM
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Layla, if after having thought about carla's words you still think he is dangerous, please contact your local shelter or abused women's resource. You don't have to be a victim of physical abuse to use the resource. What you describe is abusive. The staff will talk to you about how to keep yourself and your child safe. Make sure they know about your 14 year old step daughter especially if she lives with you.

I don't want to frighten you but for many women the most dangerous time in a relationship is after they leave. A man who feels he has lost "his" woman can be far more dangerous than one who is "merely" making her life hell with him.

If you decide to leave, reread sweeby's message above and plan this very carefully. Unless your safety is in issue, don't go during a fight. Go on an ordinary day when he is out of the house and wont be back for a while. Your local resource can give you ideas about how to make and execute your plan.

Good luck.

    Bookmark   January 9, 2009 at 11:14PM
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"just waiting for the perfect moment"

After years of mental abuse and wanting out my ex gave me the 'perfect moment'. I just couldn't seem to leave otherwise because it's a very big decision.

I had a girlfriend visiting from a city where we had previously lived. Evidently he was pissed that she was there and taking up my attention. One night we went to visit friends and us girls were going to do some art painting. Meanwhile the 2 guys went to a honky tonk and of course were drinking. When they got back we went home, my little 4 year old was put to bed and my teenage girls were in their room talking to my friend. I was very tired and went to bed. He came in and kicked me out of bed. I got a blanket & pillow and went to sleep on the couch. He wasn't satisified with that and came in there, jerked the blanket off me and told me to get out, went to the girls room and told them to get out. I'm sure he was fortified with the booze and feeling brave. I told the girls to get some clothes and let's go, picked my sleeping child up and we all left at 1 am. We went to a motel for the night. The next day we looked for somewhere to live, found a furnished mobile home for short term and moved in. My girlfriend had to go home so we stayed there for 2 weeks. When he was at work I would go home and get what we needed short term. We then looked for a rental house and I made arrangements for movers to go to the house while he was at work and get enough of the furniture for us to get by. Meanwhile he's looking all over town for us, calling me at work begging me to come home but never saying he's sorry, he won't do it again, just come home. If I had he would have done that every time he got mad about something so I refused and filed for divorce before long. He called everyone he knew begging them to talk me into coming back. That was 28 years ago and I have not regretted one time that I didn't go back. Had he not pitched his fit that night who knows I might still be there and still be miserable.

It's hard to tell someone else what to do. You just have to decide when it's right for you. I wish you luck with your decision.

    Bookmark   January 11, 2009 at 9:20PM
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Hi Carla

Thank you for your input I really value your positive side to things. I did speak to my husband about our situation and yes it was a screaming match at times but we managed to get everything out. Well in the heat of this argument I said he should find himself a other wife seeing as I wasnt good enough. This resulted in a fury and him leaving with tears in his eyes. I know this could be manipulative but I felt sorry for him. I am going to try and work on my marriage and see if maybe im the source of the unhappiness and at least give him a fare chance.

gajopa I am so sorry to hear about your situation. The same happened to my hubby's ex. That is how they broke up, well kind of. he came home at 2am and she basically asked him why he's home so late and they got into a fight. He then put her and their daughter out of the house and she never came back. Files for divorse and that was that. Now that we spoke about things and I also see his point of view I am hoping it will never get to this because he told me he is trying real hard and would like us to be forever. Well I have new hope and also would like ti to last forever. Like Carla said, i cant get a divorse everytime he curse or does something stupid.

Thank you ladies it was good to have a place to offload adn just get some opinions. Pray for my marriage and hopefully one day I can give advice but for now i need to find myself. God Bless You.

    Bookmark   January 12, 2009 at 2:00AM
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