Confused and hurt- Marriage over?

jewelzzzJanuary 9, 2009

I thought we were over the husband and I have been together for eleven years..we were just sinking into the no fighting...enjoying life...the say ahhh times. We gardened alot last husband put up a new deck outside...etc.... My 18 year old son...who has not lived with me for several years... moved back into my house. Need I say husband and him clashed..they both butted heads and acted like babies. I admit my son can be a handful...but my husband knew that too..when we both agreed he could come back. My son has lived with us since like May08. My husband took off in Oct 08 and has been living with his brother. He has told me under no uncertain terms is he moving back into the house unless my son is gone and that is that. My son may be 18 but he hasn't finished school, he has no job... he lives in an 18 year old body but hes 15 between the ears.... I have finally got him to try and finish school and I think I have him on the right track.

My husband has been gone...we see each other occasionally...he says he does not want a divorce but won't move back in until my son is gone... I don't think that is going to happen anytime soon...and my husband knows feelings are ...if he loved me he would stand by me and try to think of some solutions. I stood by my husband...thru some horrible times...he was an alcholic now he is recovering....its like he is giving ME ultimatums... I feel stuck between a rock and a hard spot feelings are hurt....I am confused on what to do...part of me wants to say to hell with it...and the other part doesnt... I am seeing a counlser right now...but it really hasn't helped me come up with any solutions....I love my husband but I don't like how he is acting right just seems so childish to me.

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Where was your son living for the few years before he was 18?. Its not clear if this is your husband son or not. Maybe he can live wherever he was living for the past few years?

Maybe your son can move in with his uncle, your husbands brother? It is immature for your husband to bail and let you deal with this yourself, however, if he has his own alcoholic issues,he may fear being pushed to drink again by the issues with your son and had to remove himself from the situation.

I have an 18 year old, times are not like they were, they can't live on their own at 18 with no education safely. Thank God mine went on to college. I do know of a few his age that chose not to. They are living 2 and three in an apartment in the worst possible areas in my county. (dangerous, drugs, crimes, shootings)but that is where the rents are cheapest and with minimum wage jobs, the choices are few. I wouldnt want it for my child. If his plans are going to college and I pray that they are, this can be short lived. Depending on where you are, he should be graduating in May or June, correct? After that, he could be going away to college, his time at home would only be for holidays, will that work?

    Bookmark   January 9, 2009 at 7:20AM
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Hi Linda :)

No this is my son's son had a falling out with his real dad..and so he came and is living with me.
That is anouther reason that I don't want my son to leave I have missed him.. he lived with me until he was like 16 and then moved to his dads house. I have a 13 year old daughter who lives with me as well. My husband right now is there stepfather.

I don't know if my son wants to go to college or not...he has every resource to I have saved money for him to go.
I don't know yet if that is what he wants to do but I'm hoping so.

This situation is so awkward....and strange...I don't know exactly WHAT to do...I just got over being very ill for the past year...and all I want to do is be happy was a tough go and I was fighting for my life... I see some entries here where there husbands play video games etc and not pay any attention to there wives...well mine...was kind of like that he wasn't that supportive thru my treatment...except to give me my shots thats what he felt like support was. Instead of drinking he zoned into video games...which was fine with me I was trying to be supportive of him...but I just felt lonely and now I feel even lonelier... I totally feel like this whole thing is unfair. He has been drinking a little at his brothers house. I was thinking that he left as well because he wants to do what he wants when he wants. He has a good hard...I don't think hes drinking heavy like he used to..he says he doesn't want a divorce...and he wants to see me and try to keep me close...but just absolutely will not live in the same house as my son. I keep thinking my god what kind of message is that giving my son? He will ALWAYS be my son....and come first.

I'm having a war within my I get a divorce and get this over with or do I play his game?

    Bookmark   January 9, 2009 at 10:07AM
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OP has been married 11 years; her son is 18. From this I'm assuming that it is not her current husband's son. I feel for you, jewelzzzzz; this is a tough situation to be in. Your son needs you, but it is ruining your otherwise happy marriage. Is the boy's father int he picture at all? Has your son been living with his father and is now with you?

I don't condone your husband leaving ("for better and for worse", and all that, plus your family automatically became blended with his when you married). But I can feel for him, too. This isn't what he (or you) had envisioned. You both worked hard to get your marriage to where it is (was), and your previous committment is bruising that.

You said that you and your husband agreed that the boy could live with you, and that he already knew that your son could be a handful (what 18 year old isn't!). Then within 5 months your husband left. How did you handle those months - get in the middle? Try to resolve? Side with son? I'm just wondering what your husband was feeling as far as what the future would hold and whether there would be any improvement in the behavior of your son.

I guess I am feeling that your first commitment is to your son. Your husband is a grown man and your son is still "being launched" - you've said that he's young for his age. Are pieces being put into place to help him grow up? Perhaps that structure, discipline, and training is what your husband is looking for. Can you go to your husband with a plan?


    Bookmark   January 9, 2009 at 10:10AM
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Oops - I was typing while you were posting. You've already clarified.

    Bookmark   January 9, 2009 at 10:12AM
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"I don't know if my son wants to go to college or not...he has every resource to I have saved money for him to go."

Well, if he wants to go to college and is a senior now, he'd better get on the stick. NOW.
The application deadline for most 4-year colleges is January 1st. There are some that are later, but he'll still need to start applying now. Has he even taken the SAT or ACT? Most 4-year colleges will require those.

If he's looking at junior college, the application process is a little simpler and more forgiving, but many of those won't get him out of the house. OR get a student who isn't mature and firmly self-directed onto the right path.

And not to bash you, but "every resource" means your time and active involvement. Not just your money.

    Bookmark   January 9, 2009 at 10:27AM
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Ok, I just read your 2nd post more thoroughly. So your son lived with you and your husband from the time he was 7 until he was 16. I was assuming that he never lived with you and your husband (you said he'd not lived with you for several years - which is really 2). From 7 to 16 would imply that your husband had a good hand in raising this kid who he now refuses to live with. I'm having a tough time with that.

Regarding your husband, now that I hear that in this past year he's acted the way you describe (non-supportive and mean during a life-threatening illness), that does not at all sound to me as though your life together had reached the point I first thought. That's far too recent. I thought from your first message that the difficult years were at least a couple of years behind you. Not so.

From what you've posted, in my very humble opinion, your son should be given some rules - MUST finish high school and go to college or some sort of higher education. Must come up with a plan for his future and show signs of working that plan. Must show responsibility and do some turning around. And regarding your husband? I've serious concerns about his commitment to you and what you hold important. I don't like what I'm hearing.


    Bookmark   January 9, 2009 at 10:34AM
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Hate to say this... but when you have kids, your first responsibility is to them. Who you love or who you want to be with becomes secondary.. yes, even to a husband especially one who came after the son. I don't want to judge your husband for leaving; I don't know his reasonings, but he obviously felt he could and was able to turn his back on you, don't do the same to your son. I'd be more than a little mad at my husband too... when you have a child, you come as a package... he can't just pick you and expect you to drop your son. And, be careful not to take it out on your son either directly or indirectly, he really doens't sound like he's the problem here.

Maybe the step parent forum could help shed some light?

    Bookmark   January 9, 2009 at 3:32PM
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I am going through the same thing here, me and my husband have only been married for 9 months he has lft me 4 times, due to my children, I have a 19 yr old son who was living on his own and he had to move back w us in august 08, he has a job, he is trying to fix his truck, he has been blowing his money on his truck, but it still needs work,
my husband left on dec 9th, with no warning, he just said that he was tired of my kids running over us. he was not working i have been the main bread winner for almost a year, he also took 2 grand out of our acct, we had a joint cking. He was wrking side jobs here and there, but nothing big, he would make a few hundred dollars once in a while, he did do all of the housework, dinner, washing clothes, etc...he did give me a lot of affection, attention, and i know he does love me. he is living two hours away, he says he does not want a divorce however he cant move back in with me and my son. he says i let my son do what ever he wants, he has no responsiblities, i do take my son to work every day. I have to constantly remind him to do chores,
my son and husband got in a fist fight the night he left, and was confronted about taking the money out of the bank.
I know i have been a slack parent. but i do love this man, he is good to me, however leaving me for the 4th time makes me wonder what to do. I am so confused, he says he does not want a divorce, i started the filing, but i have delayed it until i can decide what to do. my freinds do not like my husband they say he is no good for me. the neighbors dont like him, he is overbearing with disipline. i agree, however when you still love someone it is hard to let go.
we never had one fight or fuss until my kids moved back in.
i cant go to my freinds for any advice, they just see what he has done, they dont see the good times we had,
but how can i just kick my son on the street with no where to go? how can he expect me to do that?
i am so torn and confused myself
I can relate to your situtiation very well
help me also with some advice

    Bookmark   January 15, 2009 at 11:36AM
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Jewelzz and ames, if it were me, i would be telling both your husbands to make sure the door doesnt hit them in the A$$ on the way out. Jewelzzz, no support for you when you needed it most and then bailing because the going got tough is enough for me. Who needs that?

Ames, your husband hasnt been working for over a year and he is telling you your son has no responsbility? You son is working and seems to be trying to do the right thing with fixing his truck. Whats your husbands excuse for not working? Ladies, your kids are your kids forever, husbands especially non supportive selfish ones can be replaced.

    Bookmark   January 15, 2009 at 1:17PM
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Sorry, Im all fired up, one more thing...

Ames, change your checking acct or get his name off of it. He's not contributing, he shouldnt be withdrawing!

    Bookmark   January 15, 2009 at 1:18PM
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maybe your DH just want to keep his freedom and that's why he moved out. maybe he even having an affair but blames your son. this way he never has to take responsibility, it is all you, your fault.

also he does not sound like such a great husband to begin wiht, so what is the point to hold on to him...

i think his and your issues aren't all about your son. your soon might be just an excuse for DH to be a jerk.

In my understanding when spouses move out, marriage is over.

    Bookmark   January 16, 2009 at 10:32AM
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Linda117- yes i have taken off of my accounts, he even had the nerve to use the debit card after he had left, and said he needed Gas, i said how can you just keep taking from me.
I know i must seem like a dummy, I feel like a dummy after everything he has put me through, It is hard to trust anyone, yes, he is a jerk for doing what he has done, I think it all boils down to him being a controll freak
seems like he wont compromise until he has total controll of everything, even though i have been doing everything
well financially i have. yes, my son is trying to help his self, how can someone say that if they have no job, and put my son down.

    Bookmark   January 16, 2009 at 12:54PM
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PS- I also forgot to say that my husband had an accident in April 08, he was doing some side work on a neighbors roof and had a freak accident with a nail gun, it went through his aorta and he had to have open heart surgery to get the nail out, he could not work for 6 months. He was in good physical shape, so he recovered quickly. however he just still did not seem to even want to look for work, he would put in applications, but he would not follow up on them.
I also found out he was receiving SSI prior to when we was married. since he has moved out this time, he has went and filed for SSI again. for a disability, I think seriously he has mental problems, the way his temper flared up. he would be as nice as he could to me, until something set him off, then he would just take off and move out.
also his ex wife of 18 years told me not too long ago, he would leave her constantly. he told me it was because she had affairs on him. i am not sure of that story from either one of them, she is not very trustworthy.
i asked him, why dont you just get a job? he said there is no work where he is living. I know jobs are scarce but why would you just want to live off of the goverment money, when he is perfectly capable of work.
I am beginning to think he just has mental problems, that would be the only way he could get SSI

    Bookmark   January 16, 2009 at 1:09PM
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As our children get older they do change the dynamics of any marriage. In this case you've a nearly grown son standing his ground agaisnt the new man in your life.

The problem is compounded by the fact that your son still needs your support. I would think some outside counseling would benefit all three of you. An outside 3rd party point of view might enable your husband to see a clearer picture of what the problems truly are and would empower himself (as an adult) to find a method to have everyone live underr one roof.

With him not being in the mix it'll never get better. A couselor with help your husband and your son both to modify their resistance to not only to accept but enhance the new dynamics of their relationship.

This is called personal growth. Everyone needs to air their views without placing blame. OMG! That's so hard to do but that where the couselor with help with how perceptions are recieved.

We've found that counseling as helped in our family. We've learned how to discuss issues without attaching blame thus allowing all family members to air their thoughts without fear. The outcomes aen't always what we want but our family is more loving and less thoughtless than in the past.

So if you truly want your husband and son to get along you need a safe place to get everyone on the same page. You may find out that the marriage will not work but outside help will certainly bring underlying problems to the surface where they can be modified and understood.

Good luck!

    Bookmark   January 17, 2009 at 9:30AM
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